Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties

by Lynda Renham

  Hamilton sighs with relief. I don’t suppose she is going to say I’ll get my share. This is bloody awful. Julian is the prick who got me into this, and Hamilton is the second prick who led me down the garden path letting me think he could get me out of it. Bleeding men, I swear they’ll be the sodding death of me. I wonder if they’ll forget about the ring. Well, you never know, maybe I could forget it too and wander off home with it on my finger.

  ‘Brice, you’ll receive yours when I complete the paperwork next month and Hamilton you will receive yours on the tenth anniversary of your marriage to Harriet.’

  Good God. There is no way on earth I’m going to marry this little shit. As for spending ten years with him, Christ, I’d rather cover myself in jam and sit in a wasps’ nest. Hamilton sways on his feet and Melanie looks about to faint. Sebastian freezes, and for a moment resembles the bronze statues in the hall, without the bronze of course. I’ve never seen anyone so white. Some of the guests lower their heads in embarrassment while others make a discreet exit to the hall.

  ‘Perhaps after ten years you will have learnt some sense of responsibility,’ she adds ignoring the potent affect her words are having.

  ‘What do you mean little test,’ he asks.

  Oh, the penny has finally dropped has it?

  ‘She’s not dying Hamilton, at least not in the next few weeks,’ I say calmly.

  ‘Quite right my dear, I am not.’

  ‘I’m glad,’ I say, removing the ring. Well, I couldn’t really sneak out with this huge rock on my finger could I?

  The news that Margarita isn’t about to pop her clogs stuns everyone into silence. After the calm comes the storm, and the hall bursts into commotion.

  ‘Ten years?’ cries Phoebe. ‘How can you make him do that? That’s unbearably cruel to make him stay with her for ten years. You forced him to take her as his wife. He wouldn’t have looked twice at her otherwise.’

  She rushes to his side and clasps his hand.

  ‘It’s okay honey,’ she whispers softly.

  ‘You can always be my Camilla,’ he says thoughtlessly.

  I suppose I should be flattered to be the Princess Diana in this scenario, and I give Phoebe a smug smile.

  ‘Oh well, it’s much better to be the consolation prize than to be ignored altogether isn’t it?’ I say.

  She looks about to slap me. I have to admit to rather enjoying this. A shame I will leave penniless, but what the hell, it is what I have been used to all my life.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Mum asks Fiona.

  ‘Are they engaged or not?’ asks Dad.

  ‘I’m bleeding confused,’ says Caron.

  ‘You lied,’ yells Hamilton, snatching the ring from me. ‘You said you were dying, you lying old witch. You deliberately made us all desperate.’

  Sebastian steps forward, his face deathly white.

  ‘You’re not going to die in the next few weeks?’ he says with frustration evident in his voice. This family are unbelievable.

  ‘Sorry to be a disappointment to you Sebastian,’ she retorts haughtily. ‘I hope you haven’t gone to too much trouble with the funeral arrangements.’

  Melanie is so overcome that she cannot stop trembling.

  ‘Do you realise how much this whole thing has cost us,’ she says, seething with anger. ‘The engagement cake alone was two hundred pounds.’

  My God, two hundred pounds, Christ, is it full of hash? Maybe I should have a slice now and ease some of this tension. On reflection it might be a good idea to force feed it all to Hamilton.

  ‘That was an obscene thing to do Mother,’ Sebastian says through gritted teeth.

  ‘And your behaviour hasn’t been?’ she snaps.

  ‘That’s enough abuse,’ says Brice, stepping forward. ‘Grandma has the right to do whatever she wishes. They are her shares after all.’

  ‘You would say that wouldn’t you,’ Sebastian says angrily.

  Fiona quietly slips her arm through Alistair’s.

  ‘I think you are all incorrigible,’ she says. ‘You are vultures, the lot of you’.

  ‘Hamilton is such a w-w-w-w- …’

  ‘Wanker,’ says Fiona.

  ‘Waste of space,’ finishes Alistair.

  ‘I think wanker was more fitting,’ I say.

  Julian sighs and downs a glass of champagne.

  ‘You’re a wicked lying old witch,’ repeats Hamilton. ‘You’ll end up alone and miserable and may it serve you right.’

  She reels at his words and I put a restraining hand on his chest.

  ‘Hamilton, try to calm down.’

  ‘Don’t tell me to calm down you common little tart. You knew, you knew she wasn’t dying. What did she pay you to play along? You can sling your hook and crawl back to the gutter where you belong.’

  ‘Watch your bleeding mouth young man,’ shouts Mum.

  ‘Yes, you bloody upstart, who do you think you’re calling a tart,’ cries Caron, edging towards him.

  ‘Yeah, bloody toffs. You think money can buy everything don’t you?’ joins in Gary.

  I roll my eyes. This is all I need. The Montagues and the Capulets in the grand ballroom. I’ll be knocking back the poison next. Perhaps I’ll just slip out when all the mayhem starts. I can sneak Gary’s Barclaycard Platinum into my bag and bugger off somewhere nice. Hamilton steps towards his grandmother and she wheels herself backwards. I put a restraining hand on his chest yet again. I’m a glutton for punishment that’s for sure. I’m about to beg him to think about his actions when there is a loud rapping on the front door.

  ‘Open up,’ shouts an all too familiar voice.

  I look at Brice who nods and pulls out his mobile.

  ‘This is Scooby Doo,’ he says with a grin. ‘Let’s rock and roll.’

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Meanwhile, at the Boathouse …

  Babyface Jack paces back and forth, anxiously looking across the loch as he does so. Hamish had radioed to say they were on their way. He has been dreading this moment. He knew it would come but he hadn’t expected to feel so sick at the prospect. He is tempted to leg it but he knows he can’t. He has promised Harriet and he can’t go back on that promise. He finds his mind wandering back to the events of the last two days ...

  ‘What’s ‘appening now?’ Mad Jack Junior asks, biting into a Scotch egg.

  ‘How the ‘ell do I know,’ answers Diamond.

  ‘Christ, they ain’t going to shoot things are they?’ asks a nervous Mad Jack spotting a rifle in Sebastian’s hands.

  ‘I think we should go,’ says Babyface in a nervous voice.

  ‘Will yer stop being such a pansy,’ snaps Diamond. ‘If they’re all out ‘ere it’s a good time for us to go in, ain’t it?’

  ‘Not with ‘em all in the bleedin’ back garden,’ says Mad Jack, scratching his leg. ‘These bleedin’ midgets are a pain in the arse.’

  ‘They’re not out yet, what’s the matter with yer,’ sighs Diamond.

  They all jump at the sound of a shotgun.

  ‘Jesus Christ Dad, this is bleedin’ dangerous,’ says Mad Jack, dropping his egg.

  ‘They’re shooting in the air you wally, not firing at us.’

  Several more shots sound and echo round the glen making Babyface tremble.

  ‘I think Mad Jack is right, I think we should leg it,’ he says shakily.

  ‘Yeah,’ agrees Mad Jack. ‘Come on, let’s go. I think …’

  He stops in mid-sentence as another shot sounds and Babyface drops to the ground.

  ‘What the fuck?’ squeals Mad Jack

  ‘Oh my God, they shot him, they shot Babyface,’ he screams.

  Diamond stares at his son and then back to the house where someone is running towards them. He looks at Babyface lying still on the ground.

  ‘The bastards ‘ave only gone and killed ‘im,’ says Mad Jack with a sob.

  Jack Diamond grabs his eldest son and pushes him forward.

  ‘We can’t do noth
in’ for him now, come on let’s go.’

  Mad Jack freezes.

  ‘We can’t leave him.’

  ‘Don’t be a plonker all your life. What’s to stop them shooting the both of us too? Leg it now.’

  Babyface hears them running away but is too stunned to call them. He’s shaking so much that he wonders if the ground is moving beneath him. A man leans over him and he feels his hand on his leg. A sharp pain shoots through his knee and he groans.

  ‘You’re okay, it’s not a serious wound,’ says the man. ‘What are you doing here?’

  He tries to answer but nothing seems to come from his mouth.

  ‘Is he dead?’ He recognises Harriet’s voice and tries to turn his head to see her.

  ‘Of course not, it’s just a graze. He’s in shock more than anything. He must have been poaching. Honestly, no sense these people.’

  He wishes he could get away. It won’t be long before Harriet recognises him. He tries to speak but the trembling stops him. He feels himself carried to the house and then he is lying on a bed and Harriet is apologising to him. That’s all wrong ain’t it? He should be apologising to her. He struggles to find a voice and finally says,

  ‘I’m sorry ‘arriet.’

  There is some commotion around him and then a prick in his arm and he knows nothing until the morning when the doctor and Harriet have a long chat with him. He knows he shouldn’t have told them everything, that it was disrespect to his dad who he knows is big on respect. Not just big, bleeding huge. But what else was he to do? He didn’t agree with his dad, and all he ever wanted to be was clever like Harriet. He found himself telling her and Brice all this. How he’d always wanted to study like she was doing. He wanted to be a proper car mechanic and own his own garage one day. She was nice, was Harriet, she listened. Brice said they could get Harriet out of this mess. He wasn’t sure what they were suggesting about playing his dad at his own game but Harriet said it would mean he could study and his dad wouldn’t end up in the slammer. As it was now, he could be done for all sorts, blackmail, extortion, trespassing and threatening behaviour. The doctor said the list was endless. Babyface said yes for his dad really. Although he hated pretending he was dead all this time. Being carried in the carpet was a bit hairy and he’d been relieved when the copper and Brice, the doctor, had taken over. He’d had the shock of his life when he’d heard that Cedric’s voice. He’d had visions of rolling out of the carpet and having to face that toffee nosed woman with the barking voice. But they’d made it to the boat. He knew his dad would be watching. Dad always did the one-to-five shift whenever they staked a place out. Mad Jack was useless at night shifts, he always dozed off. That’s what he told Harriet.

  ‘If you want my dad to see yer, then yer ‘ave to do it about two o’clock, otherwise by three he’ll be asleep. You should make some noise with the boat just in case.’

  And so he had rolled out of the carpet once it was on the boat and then Brice and the copper had chucked it into the loch shortly afterwards. Dad would think it was his body for sure. That was how bodies were disposed of his dad had always said, that and other ways that Babyface didn’t even want to think about. His dad weren’t bad, not really. He ain’t never killed anyone. But he knew people who had and how they had disposed of the body in a rolled up carpet. He was a bit crooked his dad, but that was all. That’s why Babyface told them a rolled up carpet was best. He knew his dad would come to the house, and now he has. He’ll miss this little boathouse, it had been nice for his short stay and Brice had given him some interesting books to read. He likes Brice. He hears the boat in the distance and collects the books before opening the door to meet Angus.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  ‘Excuse me madam, there is a … erm gentleman at the door asking for you. At least I think he is asking for you,’ says Cedric, blushing slightly.

  Heavens I don’t think I have ever seen Cedric blush.

  ‘Did he ask for me by name?’ asks Margarita.

  ‘In a manner of speaking,’ replies Cedric.

  ‘Oh for God’s sake man, who did he ask for?’

  ‘The old battleaxe madam. I couldn’t fit that description to anyone else,’ he replies poker-faced.

  ‘Who is this person, and are you sure it is me he wants to see?’ she replies, seemingly not in the least put out to be termed the old battleaxe.

  ‘I think it may well be you old girl,’ says Brice.

  ‘And what would you know about it young man?’

  The interruption couldn’t have come at a better time. I rather felt had it not, that Sebastian or Hamilton may well have murdered Margarita themselves. Honestly, I’ve never known a family like this one. I’m thinking I should buy them all self-help books as leaving presents. You know, along the lines of Louise Hay You can heal your life. Before Brice can reply the ballroom door is flung open and Jack Diamond and his son stride in arrogantly. They stop at the opulent sight in front of them and Mad Jack opens his mouth in shock.

  ‘Good evening,’ Jack Diamond says, taking everyone in. A hush descends upon the room and all that can be heard are the bagpipes slowly grinding to a halt.

  ‘Bleeding ‘ell, this is fan-bloody-tastic,’ Mad Jack Junior gasps.

  Jack Diamond looks around and nods in agreement.

  ‘Don’t stop on my account,’ Diamond says to the piper. ‘We like a bit of music don’t we Mad Jack? Me missus loves all that old-fashioned stuff.’

  Mad Jack nods. They are both wearing suits, complete with ties and shiny shoes. Diamond’s hair is greased back with gel and the smell of his aftershave permeates the room. Fiona pulls Alistair closer to her and whispers,

  ‘It’s the Jacks, well two of them at least.’

  Alistair’s mouth drops open. Julian backs slowly away from them until he is at the ballroom doors. His attempt to slip through them is thwarted by Brice who pushes him back. Jack Diamond walks towards the tray of champagne that Emily is holding and takes two glasses.

  ‘Thanks darlin’. You’re looking pretty tonight. ‘ere Mad Jack, ‘ave one of these. I bet you ain’t had champagne like this.’

  ‘Now look here …’ begins Sebastian.

  Jack Diamond stops him with his hand.

  ‘Business after pleasure, mate, what do yer say? Let’s all enjoy the champers shall we? ‘aving a celebration are yer? Let me guess, it’s an engagement party right?’

  ‘I don’t know who you are but if you don’t leave right now you’ll leave me with no option but to phone the police,’ says Sebastian confidently.

  ‘Oh, I wouldn’t go doing that if I was you,’ smiles Diamond. ‘You ain’t begrudging me ‘avin’ a little toast for old ‘arriet and ‘amilton are yer?’

  Melanie lets out a little cry.

  ‘How did you know about that?’ demands Sebastian.

  ‘I think you should call the police Dad,’ says Hamilton.

  ‘Mate, we know everythin’, ain’t that right ‘arriet?’ says Mad Jack looking at me.

  ‘What the hell Harry?’ says Julian.

  ‘Friends of yours are they Harriet?’ sniggers Phoebe. ‘Well that figures doesn’t it? Or are they extended family?’

  Margarita wheels herself in front of Diamond and knocks the champagne out of his hand.

  ‘Alright young man, you may be able to frighten everyone else here but you don’t frighten me. Now, you wanted to speak to the old battleaxe and here I am. Spit it out. I’m presuming people like you are good at spitting.’

  ‘Bleedin’ cheek,’ says Mad Jack Junior putting his glass down.

  Jack Diamond calmly brushes down the front of his shirt.

  ‘I think you get the message,’ says Sebastian arrogantly. ‘Now leave our house. By the back door if you would. Cedric, show these gentlemen out, and I use that term loosely.’

  Diamond laughs.

  ‘Cocky ain’t we? But I don’t think you cut the mustard me ole mate. Now let’s get down to brass tacks shall we?’

  ‘I have n
o idea what this man is talking about,’ barks Margarita. ‘What does he mean brass tacks? And what is this about the mustard? Does cook know about this Cedric?’

  I reluctantly step forward. Desperate times call for desperate measures. God, I’m sounding like Diamond, it must be catching. Margarita looks across the room and shouts,

  ‘Diamond, what do you think you’re doing?’

  Jack Diamond’s head snaps up.

  ‘What,’ he says.

  ‘Stop that at once, you bad girl.’

  Mad Jack Junior fidgets nervously.

  ‘She called you a bad girl Dad,’ he says, looking at Margarita with wide eyes.

  ‘Now, hang on Mrs …’ says Diamond looking thrown.

  I point to the cat that is licking the engagement cake.

  ‘That is Diamond,’ I say. ‘He’s just a dumb animal with the same name, but still, if the name fits.’

  Diamond looks at me with distaste.

  ‘I think it’s time for a few home truths, don’t you ‘arriet?’

  I shrug.

  ‘I’ll cut to the chase shall I? First of all, she,’ he says cockily pointing at me, ‘is no more ‘amilton’s fiancée than I am. She’s just after the money.’

  ‘I wonder why?’ chips in Brice.

  Jack Diamond ignores him and points at Margarita.

  ‘And this old battleaxe would like you all to think she’s dying. Well, I can tell yer now, she ain’t.’

  ‘Yeah,’ says Mad Jack, smugly. ‘You’ve all been conned.’

  We all stare at them with bored expressions on our faces.

  ‘Is that it?’ asks Sebastian.

  ‘Yes, is that everything?’ encourages Brice.

  ‘Do you want to tell us something we don’t know?’ adds Sebastian.