Ballistic Kiss

by Richard Kadrey

  Candy plays air guitar for a few seconds and says, “I’m a lot better than the last time you heard me.”

  “You had a year to practice.”

  “So, you’ll come?”

  “Will Kasabian let me in?”

  She sits back in her seat and looks up at the screen. Dr. Frankenstein and his creepy assistant are hauling a casket out of the cemetery.

  “You let him get under your skin too much.”

  “Well, he does hate me.”

  “No, he doesn’t. He gives you his books and tells you about our best new movies.”

  “That’s just so I’ll stay away.”

  Candy sighs.

  “He just gets worked up sometimes. He gets scared.”

  “Yeah. Of me.”

  “Not just you. His body doesn’t work right anymore. Sometimes his arms get stuck or his legs won’t hold him.”

  “I’ll tell Manimal Mike to come by and check him out.”

  “Mike already did. He says he can fix things, but it would mean taking Kas off his body for a few days.”

  I laugh.

  “I bet I know what he said to that.”

  Candy nods.

  “He started shouting and Mike left. Maybe you could talk to him . . . ?”

  “He’s not going to listen to me.”

  “You’re probably right. But we have to do something.”

  I think about it for a minute, trying to come up with an angle. Some way to get Kasabian to make the right move. I start to say something about it, but what comes out is, “Listen. Janet and me, we’ve been—”

  Candy cuts me off, still looking at the screen.

  “I know. I mean, I guessed. It makes sense.”

  “I didn’t go looking for it to happen.”

  “You don’t have to explain anything to me. The way things are, I know you get lonely.”

  “I suppose I do.”

  “You have such a hard time admitting things like that. You think you’re still just Sandman Slim, the killer, and you don’t need emotions.”

  I watch the screen for a minute with her.

  “You think that’s it? My head gets all scrambled when I try to figure it out. I mean, what about you and Alessa? How does she handle us being together?”

  “She has a friend she sees sometimes too. We worked it out that as long as we’re honest we can sometimes see special people.”

  I give her a mock-smug smile.

  “I’m a special person?”

  “Special jerk is more like it, but yeah.”

  “People are really complicated.”

  She looks at the sky.

  “That’s what makes it so great.”

  “Janet is complicated. More than I first thought.”

  Candy reaches over and takes my hand.

  “Before you go on, promise me one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m with Alessa and you’re seeing Janet, and all that’s fine. But please promise me that whatever happens with anybody else, we’re always us. Connected. Can you do that?”

  I look at her. Her eyes are still on the screen.

  “You know I can.”

  “Then say it.”

  “Whatever else happens there’s always us. Like you said when we first met, we’re the funny little people . . .”

  “. . . who live in the cracks in the world,” she says, and finally looks at me. “Thanks.”

  “Besides, who understands a monster more than another monster?”

  I lean over to her and we kiss for a while.

  When we come up for air, Flicker is standing by the car.

  “Have you two got a minute?”

  “Hi, Flicker,” says Candy. “You should come by the store on Friday. My band is playing.”

  “Cool,” she says. “I’ll do that.”

  Then she looks at me.

  “I have something for you.”

  Flicker hands me what looks like a small bundle of herbs, but it’s too heavy for that.

  “You serve salads at the snack bar now?” I say.

  “No, smartass,” says Flicker. “It’s a distraction. If you want to talk to Stein alone or just corral all the Stay Belows, use the bundle. But get rid of it fast. It’s nothing poisonous, but there’s a stick of magnesium at the center. That stuff burns as bright as the sun. It’ll attract any Stay Belows in the area.”

  “This is great. Thanks.”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll make sure Abbot pays you for this.”

  “Sweet,” she says happily.

  “How’s the King doing?”

  “Ask him yourself. You’re friends now. As long as you respect him he’ll be there for you.”

  “I still don’t understand any of your hoodoo.”

  “The Stay Belows, the whole situation isn’t based on your magic. This is older stuff than that.”

  “I use Hellion magic. That’s practically angelic and pretty damn old.”

  Flicker shakes her head.

  “Hellion is a bastardization of angelic magic and a lot younger. What I do, what the King is, doesn’t correspond to any of your systems. There aren’t any spells. No bending the universe to your will. Sure, there are calls and incantations, even cries for help, but they’re not to subjugate universal forces. When you work the old, old way, you are the universe and it moves through you. You just direct it here or there. It’s really pretty simple.”

  I nod. “I don’t think I could ever do that kind of hoodoo.”

  “Of course not. You’re a Black Lane Walker. You do what’s right for you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help every now and then.”

  “The King again.”

  “He can help you send them home. When you’re ready, try making an offering.”

  “I’m not sure Mr. Muninn would approve.”

  “And where’s Mr. Muninn now? Is he helping you? The King is always here. Right under your feet.”

  “I’ll remember that.”

  Flicker wiggles her fingers at us and says, “Have fun, you two.”

  Me and Candy stay for all three movies, eat popcorn and concession-stand hot dogs. We make out between the features, and for the moment at least, it really does feel like old times.

  Janet seems a lot better the next night, though they still have a slight limp. That means, one more damn time, we get ready for the Lodge. They wrap their leg in an Ace bandage and say, “Tonight should be interesting.”

  “Another birthday excursion?”

  “Yes. Rudy Morrello’s. But don’t worry. He’s the last birthday boy for a while. After tonight, you won’t have to see anyone for a month or so.”

  “You’re one hundred percent sure you want to go back?”

  They stand and put weight on their leg. It holds.

  “One thousand percent,” Janet says.

  Not having to lay eyes on the doom twins—Dan and Juliette—for a few weeks sounds good, but I still haven’t picked up anything new about Stein. And my only other lead—Lisa Thivierge—is still missing. Maybe it’s time to stop being subtle with Dan and Juliette’s flock and start pinning people against the wall until they tell me a story. But even then, anything they say will be second- or thirdhand. I haven’t seen anyone old enough to have been in the Lodge in Stein’s day.

  Maybe Abbot is right. Maybe I should go back and kill the Stay Belows one by one with my Gladius. But the idea grates on me. The spooks didn’t ask to be here. Stein drew them. Stein is the one who wants something and I want Stein. That means for now, I’m stuck with the Lodge.

  Janet wants to ride the Hog to the doom twins’ house, so we have to crawl up the hill in the dark, dodging coyotes and stoner kids in Daddy’s Porsche. By the time we arrive at the mansion I’m in a dismal mood.

  We go inside and it looks like any ordinary nouveau riche L.A. cocktail party. When they see her, everyone rushes over to greet Janet. A lot of them are jealous of her snake bite and wish it had happened to them,
because obviously, not getting burned alive wasn’t enough of a high for them. A lot of the dummies are burned red from the desert sun, with hands and faces scratched by rocks and the coarse vegetation. Manimal Mike looks like hell, but Maria must be some kind of athlete. Not a scratch on her. There’s a weird energy in the room. Giddy, but also wary. Seeing someone you know get eaten by a monster will do that to you. In a few minutes, Dan, Juliette, and Kenny arrive and greet everyone, especially the birthday boy, Rudy Morrello.

  After a minute or two of adulation, Juliette raises her hands for quiet. When she speaks, she sounds like someone on TV trying to rope you into their pyramid scheme selling fake vitamins or wrinkle cream.

  “After the great success in the desert, we thought we’d take things a little further for the birthday boy. Tonight, Kenny is going to summon a full-fledged demon and capture it in a magic circle.”

  Dan picks up the pitch. “When they’re ensnared, the demon becomes your slave and must answer all your questions—about the past, present, or future. Since it’s Rudy’s birthday, he’ll have the honor of asking the first question.”

  Trash wizard Kenny, what have you been doing, you bad, bad boy? I want to run right then, but I know Janet won’t leave. I think things over. Kenny did manage to summon the gut monster and enhance the vampire. Really, what Dan and Juliette are talking about is simple enough. Draw the circle. Do the hoodoo. It’s mostly mechanics, really. If he sticks to his paint-by-numbers grimoire, even Kenny can’t fuck it up.

  As for the other Lodge members, the giddy tension in the room jumps up a couple of notches. Heartbeats pound like a gorilla banging on a trash can. There’s the slightly metallic tang of fear sweat. But the crowd seems excited by their demon dream date. Mainly because they have to be. It’s an animal thing, and a schoolyard thing. Never look afraid or whatever is coming for you will come twice as hard.

  Juliette and Dan herd us ducklings down into the rumpus room. Kenny slipped away earlier and is already getting the ritual started. He takes a handful of salt and dribbles it out in a circle on the wooden floor. I push my way up front so I can check his work.

  To my surprise, it’s not a bad circle. Simple, but solid. It should hold any of the low-level bogeymen garbage Merlin can conjure. It’s not like the ass has the power to call up a hellbeast or Qliphoth. At best, we might get the ghost of Bela Lugosi coming down from a bender.

  I relax a little.

  With the circle complete, Kenny begins a chant. Very quietly at first, then letting his voice rise with each repetition of the words. Like the circle itself, the chant is simple and pretty generic. Okay. Good. We’re going to be all right.

  With each round of the chant, Kenny gets louder. In a minute, he’s practically shouting. Then something changes.

  The little prick is going off script. I don’t even recognize the language anymore. It’s not English, Latin, Hebrew, or Greek. It sounds almost like someone trying to speak Hellion with a mouthful of marbles.

  Oh shit.

  Something explodes from the center of the circle, and the force of it knocks the first row of gawkers back a few steps.

  The thing is about ten feet tall and squidlike. But not entirely physical. It’s more like smoke, but not quite. The shape stutters and glitches like bad video. It flails its tentacles around like it’s really pissed or trying to signal a waiter. It’s a funny-looking thing.

  The smoke squid’s tentacles crawl across the ceiling, looking for a way out of the circle. It slams the edges with its thick body, looking for the slightest imperfection in the design. But it’s stuck, and by the sound of its foghorn bellowing, it’s not taking it well.

  Good for you, Kenny. It looks like you actually pulled it off.

  A moment later, the smoke squid gives up trying to bang its way out of the circle. It retracts its tentacles and just hangs in the air, like it’s floating in dark water.

  When the thing calms down, Kenny gets a round of applause. Even I have to give him a couple of claps for not getting us all killed in the first thirty seconds of the smoke squid’s appearance.

  Dan and Juliette escort Rudy Morrello right up to the edge of the circle. When he stops, the squid slowly turns its thick body around like it knows Rudy is there. While the rest of the Lodge stares in envy, the birthday boy looks like he’s about to soil his nice suit.

  Juliette says, “Is there anything you’d like to ask our captive?”

  Rudy looks like he wants to run, but he’s stuck between the doom twins and they’re not letting him go anywhere.

  “I’m . . . I’m not sure,” says Rudy. “I had something, but I can’t remember what.”

  Juliette puts an arm around him.

  “Take a minute. Relax. I’m sure it will come back to you.”

  As Rudy stares, the smoke squid slams its tentacles at the edge of the circle, just a few inches from Rudy’s nose.

  Everybody jumps. Janet grabs my hand.

  “Pass!” he yells. “I give up my turn. It’s my birthday and I say that I don’t have to go first.”

  “It’s okay,” says Dan. “You don’t have to ask anything complicated. It can be who’s going to win the World Series. When are you going to die. Even lottery numbers.”

  Rudy shakes his head furiously and pulls away from the doom twins.

  “I need a minute. Let somebody else go first.”

  While they argue, I notice a few grains of salt on the interior of the circle move, like there’s a gentle breeze coming from somewhere.

  I say, “Hey, Kenny. What’s that circle made of? Sea salt?”

  He smirks at me like he was expecting the question.

  “Of course it’s salt,” he says, “but I souped it up. The book says that silver is also a powerful spirit binder. So, for extra protection I added silver.”

  He looks so pleased with himself. A kid who just went around the block on his first two-wheeler. Too bad he’s going to die.

  Rudy finally pulls away from Dan and Juliette and plunges into the back of the crowd. Kenny steps up to take his place at the circle.

  “Pure silver?” I say.

  “Of course.”

  “You know that mixing too much silver with salt cancels the effects of both, right?”

  He looks puzzled. “I’ve never heard that. You just made that up.”

  I grab Janet and try to pull them to the stairs, but it’s too late.

  Smoke squid manages to move enough of the circle out of the way that a tentacle blows through it and grabs Kenny around the neck. It pulls him into the air and shakes him like a terrier with a rat. His neck snaps and he’s dead a second later.

  I drag Janet back from the stairs to the vault room where I fought the vampire. I stay outside, but yell to the others as I go.

  “In here, assholes.”

  Having honed their survival instincts through years of extreme craziness, Dan and Juliette are the first ones into the room before the rest of the Lodge shoves and claws its way inside. The smoke squid is out of the circle now, banging off the walls and shaking the whole building as it looks for a way out.

  As the last few people make it inside the vault, Manimal Mike shoves Maria in ahead of him. Then some nervous creep pulls the door shut before Mike can get in.

  The smoke squid grabs his arm and tosses him across the room like a dead flounder. Mike doesn’t move after that, so the squid loses interest in him. To make sure, I shout some hoodoo at the thing and blast it into the wall a lot fucking harder than it tossed Mike.

  The squid spins and comes after me, but I’m able keep it away with a stream of Hellion curses.

  Whatever the thing is, it isn’t dumb. When it realizes that it can’t kill me, it shoots out its tentacles and probes the walls and ceiling for a way out. I pull the Colt and take aim at it with a Spiritus Dei–coated bullet. But as I’m squeezing the trigger, the smoke squid rips a set of heavy bookshelves off the wall and tosses them at me. I have to dodge it to keep from being crushed and by the time I
have the Colt back up the squid is gone.

  It turns out that the bookshelves were a con job. They were there to cover a passage cut into the rock wall. I want to ask the doom twins where the tunnel leads, but there’s no time. All I can do is go after the squid and hope it’s not hiding around the first turn to rip my head off. That would be embarrassing.

  I hate chasing things that float or fly. I’m stuck on two legs, panting and sweating, while they glide around like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. I swear that I chase the smoke squid for at least twenty minutes before I get near it. We move down through a series of passages that open up into a huge cavern, which soon narrows into a wide tunnel.

  I eventually catch sight of the squid. There are stalactites hanging from the roof of the tunnel. I shout some hexes, and one by one, they begin to fall. The third one comes down dead center on the squid, blasting its smoky body into a thin mist. I take a couple of shots at it with the Colt, but there isn’t enough of the squid in any one place to hurt it badly. When it does coalesce again, it shoots out two long tentacles and latches on to one of my legs.

  It drags me along the floor of the tunnel toward a black maw the size of a cement truck. When I try to shoot again, another tentacle knocks the Colt out of my hand. I have to wait until the last minute, when Smokey the squid thinks it’s about to get lunch. Just before it tosses me like a peanut into its guts, I shout one of my old favorite bits of arena hoodoo—a massive pressure blast that hits like a cement truck.

  The problem is, this close to the smoke squid, the blast could take me out too. There’s a split second when the pressure hits and the squid lets go of me to dive into a shadow. Only I’m just a little bit off and the force of the tunnel blast rockets me through the shadow and into the Room of Thirteen Doors at the speed of a cruise missile. I hit the far wall and come to on the cool stone floor.

  Once I’m sure all of my limbs are there and still working, I stumble out of the Room and back into the tunnel.

  The doom twins and the other Lodge suckers are staring down at the two tons of goo that used to be the smoke squid. I come up behind Dan and Juliette as quietly as possible so I can rip out their spines in front of everybody.

  Before I can get hold of them Janet screams my name and practically tackles me, holding me in a rib-crushing hug that goes on for a long time.