Ballistic Kiss

by Richard Kadrey

  “I thought that thing ate you,” they say.

  “Nah. Turns out it was vegan.”

  Janet kisses me and when we pull away, I finally get a good look around at the tunnel.

  My stomach knots up, because I know where I am.

  What the hell is going on? I’m in the goddamn Jackal’s Backbone. Only a few people are supposed to know about this place. It used to hold L.A.’s wandering dead. More important, it shares one of its walls with Mr. Muninn’s secret cavern where he keeps his storehouse.

  And if there’s a secret passage here from Dan and Juliette’s mansion, it means they know about the place. But do they know how powerful it is? They’ve probably been using it for their fucking excursions. That stops tonight.

  I grab Dan and Juliette and drag them away from the others. No need for the rest of the kids to end up covered in their blood.

  I bounce Dan off a wall, but Juliette just stands there looking bored. Once I get him back on his feet, I shove Juliette against the same wall and start talking very quietly and clearly.

  “Do you have any goddamn idea how dangerous it is down here? There’re things in these tunnels you don’t want to know about. There’re things I don’t want you to know about.”

  I take the black blade from my boot and hold it to Dan’s throat.

  “Stark?” says Janet. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m protecting you. I’m protecting these two losers. I’m protecting everybody.”

  “It doesn’t look like it. Please put down the knife.”

  “Not until these two agree to get out of here and never come back. Or I’m putting their heads on the trophy wall upstairs.”

  For the first time, Juliette starts looking a little worried.

  “Dan?” she whispers.

  Dan’s lips are bleeding and he has a nice cut on his forehead. But he doesn’t look as scared as he should be.

  “May I say something?”

  “Keep it short.”

  He leans to the side and waves to the rest of the Lodge.

  “Thanks, everybody, for a wonderful evening. We’ll see you in a month for something truly spectacular.”

  Not very fucking likely. But it gets the mooks to leave. While the rest of the Lodge files out, I keep hold of the doom twins. I have a hundred questions for them. How did they find the place? What have they been doing down here? Who else have they told about the Backbone? But mostly, I’m just anxious to hurt them.

  Janet takes hold of my knife hand.

  “Please don’t do this,” they say. “Juliette and Dan have something to tell you. Please listen to them. It isn’t just about you, but me too.”

  I don’t like the sound of that, and I don’t let the doom twins go. Out of the corner of my eye I can see a few Lodge members who haven’t left, including Maria. Something weird is going on and Janet has a secret they haven’t told me. The easiest thing to do would be to kill everyone and take Janet away, but that would put a definite crimp in our romance.

  I’m about to let go of the doom twins when I say, “Just so we understand each other, if one of you runs, you both die.”

  They nod. Juliette pulls Dan away from the wall and says, “We wouldn’t dream of running, would we, dear?”

  Dan wipes away blood from his split lip with the back of his hand.

  “I have a proposal for you,” he says.

  “I don’t want your proposals. I want you out of here now.”

  “Please listen to him,” Janet says. “I told you. This is about me too. About something bigger than any of us.”

  I look at them.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The Lodge,” says Dan.

  “The Lodge Within the Lodge,” says Juliette.

  She looks past me.

  “You’re a member, dear. Explain it to him.”

  Janet is still leaning on my knife hand. I let her lower it.

  “The Lodge Within the Lodge is special. It’s not just excursions and games. It’s about looking into the unknown. Expanding human consciousness. Looking into the world beyond the world.”

  I laugh a little.

  “You want to see ghosts? You want to see Hell or Heaven? I can show you those things. You don’t need these creeps.”

  “I don’t want you to show them to me,” says Janet. “I want to get to them on my own. Taking a helicopter to the top of a mountain isn’t the same as climbing it. I want to climb, not to be dropped off like luggage.”

  “What do you think the excursions are for?” says Dan. “Just kicks? There are easier ways than that. The excursions are tests. Rites of passage to find the proper sort of people who can take part in the Lodge’s real purpose.”

  “You get people killed.”

  “The weak ones, yes. But not you and not Janet.”

  “Do you understand now?” Janet says.

  “Listen to them, Stark,” says Juliette in a way that sounds like an ultimatum. “Join us in the Lodge Within the Lodge or go home. Or murder us all. Of course, you’ll have to kill Janet too since they know about the Jackal’s Backbone.”

  When I see the look on Janet’s face, I put away the blade.

  Janet comes over and puts their head on my shoulder. I drape an arm around them.

  The doom twins look at each other.

  “Does that mean you’ll join us?” says Dan.

  I think about it. The black blade is still in grabbing distance.

  “Let me ask you something. You ever have any actors come through the Lodge?”

  “Actors. Producers. Directors. You name it,” says Juliette.

  “Ever heard of one named Chris Stein?”

  The doom twins look at each other.

  Dan says, “The name is vaguely familiar. But he isn’t one of our people.”

  “He’d be from around forty years ago. You have records that go back that far?”

  “Yes, we do,” says Juliette. “And you can see them.”

  “But only if you’re one of us,” says Dan.

  I look over at Janet.

  I want to see those records, but more than that, I don’t want to lose Janet, even though I don’t know what the hell it is we’re doing. They’re in over their head, too afraid of their past, and too in love with death to back out of things now.

  I look over at Maria and say, “How’s Manimal Mike?”

  She smiles.

  “He’s all right. He just had the wind knocked out of him.”

  “Is he a member of this secret glee club?”

  Maria nods. “You shouldn’t judge things you don’t understand.”

  “Wow. You could write fortune cookies.”

  I take a breath and look at the doom twins.

  “I’m in, but you have to agree to one thing.”

  “What’s that?” says Dan.

  “No more scampering around in these tunnels.”

  “Done,” says Juliette a split second after the words are out of my mouth.

  “Actually, there’s one more thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Stop killing so goddamn many people. You’re making me look bad. This next excursion, take the ducklings to Disneyland or something.”

  “Also done,” says Juliette.

  Dan holds out his hand.

  “Welcome to the Lodge Within the Lodge. I think you’ll have a lot of exciting and mysterious times ahead of you.”

  Because I need more of that in my life.

  Candy calls the next afternoon and I hope it’s about what we said to each other at the drive-in, only it’s anything but.

  She says, “You should get over here right away. Kasabian was in a hit-and-run accident and he’s in bad shape.”

  “He doesn’t want to see me.”

  “He doesn’t want to see anyone,” says Candy, sounding even more anxious. “I mean, how many friends does he have? Alessa and I have tried talking to him, but he starts crying and gets embarrassed, which makes everything even wor
se. Maybe you can try talking to him?”

  “He’s not going to let me in.”

  “I’m going to let you in. Please.”

  This is exactly what I need right now. Kas getting weepy about a couple of dents in his undercarriage.

  “Okay. I’ll be over in a few minutes.”

  I make it to Max Overdrive a half hour later and go straight into Kasabian’s room.

  He’s laid out on his crummy little single bed. The covers are spattered with traces of blood. Kas has a serious black eye and his face is covered in welts and scratches. Worse, his legs are bent at weird angles and one arm is hanging on by a few thin strips of metal. I wait for him to go off at me, but he’s too depressed to be angry.

  “Come to see the dog-face boy?” he says. “That’ll be a quarter, asshole.”

  “I only have hundreds.”

  He raises his good hand and lets it drop back down on the bed.

  “You even fail better than I do. You get kicked around and end up rich. I try to buy a cruller and suddenly I’m the Elephant Man.”

  I sit on the wooden chair next to his bed.

  “Does it hurt?”

  “Look at me. Of course it hurts.”

  I hold up the bag I brought with me.

  “You want a drink?”

  “Some of that Aqua Regia crap? No thanks.”

  “No, this is good stuff. Remember a million years ago how you gave me my first Kurosawa movie?”

  “You uneducated prick. Yeah, I remember.”

  I hand him the bottle from the bag.

  “I’m returning the favor. Suntory Toki. Straight from Japan. The guy at the shop gave me a taste. It’s smooth. Like having a fruit salad punch you in the face.”

  Kasabian examines the bottle.

  “What’s the gag? Did you spit in it or something?”

  “Only a little.”

  Kas gives me a look, then fails miserably at opening the bottle. He tosses it to me.

  “You do it.”

  I twist off the top and look around.

  “You have a glass in here somewhere?”

  “If it’s good it doesn’t need a glass.”

  Kas upends the bottle and takes a long drink.

  “Not bad,” he says.

  “Not bad? It’s better than anything you buy.”

  “Don’t rub it in.”

  He sits there with the bottle propped on his chest looking already half-dead. I actually feel sorry for him.

  “Did you see who hit you? I could stop by and have a word. Maybe shake some money loose.”

  “Some kind of SUV. You know, the big kind with wheels.”

  “Maybe I could get a potion from Vidocq. Something to help you remember better.”

  “Oh yeah, the French nutbag who turned himself immortal by mistake. You think I want to be immortal like this?”

  “Okay. Maybe Allegra has something. I could at least get you some painkillers.”

  “That shit doesn’t work on me. Believe me, I’ve tried. Norco. Oxy. Morphine. I even tried snorting heroin.”

  “You were using heroin?”

  “Once, Mr. High and Mighty. Once.”

  “I’m not judging you. I just don’t want you to OD.”

  He gives me a look.

  “You sure about that?”

  “Fuck you, crybaby. Give me back my whiskey.”

  “No way. This is the only good thing that’s happened to me in years. Since that night Mason sent you to Hell.”

  “That wasn’t a good night for me either.”

  Kas props himself up on his elbow.

  “Yeah? Well right now look at you, then look at me. Who do you think came out ahead?” He takes a long pull from the bottle and says, “This is it, man. This is my life. I was a lousy magician, but I ran a good store. Now I can’t even do that.”

  Kasabian thrashes around trying to sit up and spills whiskey everywhere.

  “Calm down, Kas.”

  He stabs a finger at me.

  “First Mason fucks me over, then you leave me nothing but a chattering head. A Halloween toy you throw away when all the candy’s gone. My life is a fucking joke. So, no. You calm the fuck down.”

  Candy knocks and comes in.

  “How are you boys doing?”

  Kasabian smiles at her.

  “We’re great. How are you, princess?”

  I don’t like where this is going.

  I say, “Kas, you want to yell at me, fine. But don’t go after Candy.”

  He turns to me.

  “Look at you, the knight in shining armor. How much good did that act get you? There she is. Standing there right in the doorway. Close enough to touch. She might as well be on the moon. You lost her, Stark. Sure, she goes on a little date with you every now and then just to keep you from blowing your brains out. You think it means anything? She’s gone. She’s got Alessa and the store and you’ve got nothing. Like me.”

  Candy says, “Please calm down, Kas. Let me get you a glass for the whiskey.”

  Kas doesn’t hear her. His eyes are locked on mine.

  “You got that big gun of yours with you? Of course you do. Come on. We’ll go out together. Two losers no one will ever miss.”

  “I’m not shooting you and I’m not shooting myself.”

  “Then what good are you? Get out of here and don’t come back. You too, princess.”

  Candy says, “Let me call Manimal Mike one more time.”

  “Fuck him and fuck all of you. Get out and leave me alone.”

  We leave and Kas slams the door behind us.

  Candy slowly shakes her head.

  “I’ve never seen him like this.”

  “I have. Those first few months after I took his head. This is my fault.”

  “Don’t say that. He sent you to Hell. He shot you.”

  “But I’m still walking around and have a life. I took his head but kept him alive out of nothing more than spite. He has every right to hate me and there’s nothing I can do to fix that or him.”

  “At least you tried. Now leave him to me and Alessa.”

  “Let me know if he gets worse. I’ll drag his ass to Allegra whether he likes it or not.”

  Candy crosses her arms.

  “See, that’s exactly the kind of thing you can’t do. What did you say the other night, about how you know everything about monsters but nothing about people? Well, if you want to help people, kidnapping them is a bad start.”

  “You’re right. But if he gets to be too much to handle, call me. Maybe I can talk him into staying at the flying saucer house. Then he can yell at me and leave you two alone for a while.”

  Alessa comes over and stands behind Candy.

  “Hi, Stark.”

  “Hi, Alessa.”

  “I heard you in there. Didn’t turn out so well, did it?”

  “You stopping by to rub it in?”

  “No. To tell you it was a lot more than I expected from you. Like you meant what you were saying.”

  “You think I’m incapable of helping people?”

  She gives me a wan smile.

  “Most of what I’ve seen you do is kill people and get Candy and me in trouble. This was something new.”

  “Thanks, I guess.”

  “I do. As far as assholes go, you’re not the biggest one I ever met.”

  “That I’ll take as a compliment.”

  She heads back to the stairs that lead to the upstairs apartment.

  “You should come to our gig on Friday.”

  “Thanks. Maybe I will.”

  When she’s halfway up the stairs she shouts, “And bring back those movies. We have paying customers, you know.”

  “I won’t forget.”

  Candy smiles at me.

  “I consider that a breakthrough.”

  “I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and get out of here. Will you be at Bamboo House later?”

  “You bet.”

  “Great. I’ll see you tonight.”<
br />
  I go through a shadow to the flying saucer house.

  I can’t really blame Kas for what he said. He’s basically right. His life has mostly been a mess. He was always a mediocre magician. Mason promised him power after he betrayed me but then never came through. And I thought I’d fucked him over like no one else could. But, no, it was some prick in an SUV who’s off having it detailed right now to take out the dents and repaint the damage. No cop will lay a hand on the bastard, and what would we tell them anyway? “He ran a stop sign and hit a man with a hoodoo metal body”? That wouldn’t fly with the LAPD. Even after he and Mason betrayed me and he shot me, I can’t hate him. What I can do is find him a new body. Manimal Mike isn’t the only Tick-Tock man in town. I have a few thousand dollars to spend. There are worse ways to go broke than helping out a fellow loser in the loser parade. Just another bug on God’s windshield.

  Even with Samael and Abbot’s deadlines hanging over me, I need to clear my head after the tire fire of the last few days.

  Don Tiare playing Les Baxter tunes is on the jukebox when I get to Bamboo House of Dolls with Janet. It’s a busy night. Carlos pours us drinks right away, then moves off to serve other customers. Before any of the others get there, I pull Janet into a corner in the back of the bar. No chitchat with strangers tonight. No sneaky selfies. I just want a drink with friends.

  “Tell me more about Brigitte,” says Janet.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “You said she helped you fight the Drifters. Tell me about that.”

  “This city would be zombies and rubble without her.”

  “And you.”

  “Thanks, but it was mostly her. She was the boss and I just tried to keep up.”

  Janet looks at the happy, drunken crowd a little dubiously. It’s a funny night. Maybe a tour group came in. The bulk of the crowd is civilians who probably heard rumors about Bamboo House or read a strange online review and have come down to rub elbows with L.A.’s most exotic citizens. After thinking for a minute, Janet turns back to me.

  “It’s not fair,” they say. “Punishing someone for their past when they saved so many people.”

  “That’s the problem. Not many people know what she did, and that means neither do the desk trolls who decide who stays and who goes.”

  “But I know what she did. She saved my life. You told me to go home, but you wouldn’t have known what to do without her.”