The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  “Why do you love photography?”

  I smiled, snapping another photo of him. The orange glow from the fire played against the shadows of the night on his face. “I told you once before. You don’t remember?”

  “You told me you’re nerdy about it and it’s your passion. But you never told me why.”

  I frowned, realizing I didn’t really know the answer. “I guess I just love the power of being able to temporarily freeze a moment in time, even if it’s not as good as the real thing. I like being able to pick up a photo, close my eyes, and feel that place and time again.” I flipped through a few settings on my camera and took another shot. “We have thousands of memories and our brain is like a never-ending filing cabinet. But sometimes you forget about something until someone reminds you to pull that file. That’s what photos do for me. They take me back.”

  “And what about the future?”

  I dropped my camera into my lap, adjusting my position on the small tree stump. “I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to shoot photos for the future, photos that would drive me and make others who weren’t in my memories feel something powerful. But, I guess, to be honest, I’m just kind of lacking inspiration.”

  It hurt to admit, because I’d always thought photography was the one thing in my life I had complete control over, but the truth was that I knew I had so much work to do to really hone my skills. It was part of the reason I wanted to go to an art school, not a state university.

  Rhodes seemed lost in thought across the fire. After a moment, he slowly rose and pulled me to my feet, too. Sliding his hands into my hair, he pressed his lips to mine, claiming my mouth with his own. It was a possessive kiss. It was needy, yet patient and sure. He broke it long enough to whisper against my lips.

  “So let me inspire you.”

  Suddenly, the fire’s heat seemed so futile.

  In one fluid movement, Rhodes lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist, locking my ankles. His mouth never left mine as he climbed the stairs. He laid me down softly onto the futon and stood, grabbing his shirt at the back of his neck and pulling it up and over his head. In the candlelight, the ridges of his abdomen were highlighted even more than usual. I bit my lip in anticipation of having him pressed against me.

  Moving to the edge of the futon, I slid my hands over his muscles, and each one tensed with the touch. I pressed my lips to his skin, kissing him over and over. His hands found my hair, and the urge to take control hit me.

  “I want to try something,” I whispered, untying his board shorts. I tugged them down over his hips and they fell to the floor. Rhodes was so hard, so ready. He kicked the shorts to the side and stared down at me as I took him in my hand. Groaning, he flexed into my grasp as I moved my hand up and down his length in a slow and steady rhythm. Hesitantly, I bent forward and just barely touched his tip with my lips.

  Rhodes growled, grabbing my chin between his forefinger and thumb and tilting my face to meet his. “Natalie,” he breathed. I wasn’t sure if it was a warning or a plea.

  “I want to try,” I repeated, swallowing. “But I need you to show me how.” I’d never gone down on Mason, mostly because I’d never had any desire to see him come apart at my touch. With Rhodes, it was all I craved. I wanted to make him feel the way he made me feel — powerful, wanted, sexy.

  He cursed, looking up to the ceiling like God would help him maintain composure. I took it as permission, sliding my tongue flat against his length before taking him in my mouth. He groaned, rolling his hips in time with my mouth, careful to not push too deep.

  Grabbing my hand in his own, he showed me how to stroke him where my mouth wouldn’t meet. He coached me through swirling my tongue and when I pulled him in too deep and gagged, he moaned. Apparently, gagging was a good thing.

  Who knew?

  I did it again, pulling him in a little deeper and letting my natural reflexes take over. This time, he cursed and pulled back.

  “You’re trying to kill me.”

  “On the contrary. I’m trying to make you come.”

  Rhodes smirked at my forwardness and I blushed. He bent to my lips, covering them with his own and slowly laying me back on the thin mattress. Effortlessly, he stripped my clothes off, piece by piece, littering the treehouse with them as he did. When he slid between my legs, pressing his hard on against my inner thigh, my breath caught and I held on tight to his biceps. He reached blindly for his wallet, but I grabbed his hand with my own.

  “I just want you.”

  Rhodes furrowed his brows, unsure. I’d been on birth control for two weeks and I wanted nothing more than to feel him, only him, inside me. I physically ached for that uncensored connection.

  “Please,” I thrusted my hips up to meet his, the tip of him sliding to my wet opening. He inhaled stiffly, pressing his forehead to mine.

  “You’re so light, Natalie.” He shook his head, but gripped me tighter. “I’m afraid I’ll ruin you with my darkness.”

  I kissed him hard, tugging on his bottom lip with my teeth as I struggled for a way to make him understand.

  Pressing my hands firmly against his chest, I slipped from beneath him and crossed the room. I blew out the candle on the small coffee table before moving to the next in the small kitchen. One by one, I extinguished the flames before making my way back to him.

  He pulled me to straddle his lap and I locked my fingers behind his neck. I could barely see him, only the soft natural light from the stars and moon sneaking in through the open windows lit the house. Still, I could feel every inch of him pressed against me, I could hear his heart hammering in his chest, I could smell the scent of his body wash mixed with his desire.

  “Sometimes, the darkness is where you find yourself.” Carefully, I slid down onto his length, feeling every naked inch of him for the first time as I took control. “Let me find myself in you.”

  Rhodes groaned, his jaw falling slack as he tilted his eyes to the sky.

  He rolled his hips into me and I gasped at the fullness. We blindly felt for each other, kissing and touching to find where we wanted to be. His breaths were in my ear, his tongue was on my skin. He was everywhere. I was nowhere. He completely surrounded me.

  Just like the darkness.

  It was in the moonlit shadows of that night that I found myself. Rhodes wanted to inspire me, but the truth was that it was the possibility of what we could be together that inspired me most. For one night, even if that was all there could be, I lived inside a passion I never knew existed with a man I never saw coming.

  Rhodes was an unanticipated thunderstorm.

  And I danced in his rain.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “SO LET ME GET this straight,” Willow said, tucking her long, caramel-colored legs underneath her. They were dark against the soft yellow of her new dorm room comforter. “Rhodes is actually his last name, but you can’t tell me what his first name is because it’s personal?”

  I nodded, smiling at the screen of my laptop where Willow was framed in a video chat window. It was Wednesday, my day off from training, so we made sure to schedule time to catch up. She had already shown me her room and told me every detail about her first college party, and now we had moved on to Rhodes, which was always her favorite topic of conversation.

  “And the same Rhodes who made Nathan Arnold piss himself during weightlifting practice from simply yelling at him to move benches took you on a canoe trip down Edisto River to a beautiful tree house tucked into the trees, where you let him teach you how to suck his wang?”

  I blushed, covering my face with my pillow. “Lo!”

  “Well, am I on track so far?”

  Rolling my eyes, I waved my hand at her to continue, cocking a brow in amusement.

  “So you had this super romantic weekend together, which is already weird because it’s Rhodes, but on top of it all, you did so with both of you knowing in the back of your mind that he found a note on his bike that said to stay away from you and he thinks it�
�s written in his dead sister’s handwriting?”

  “Willow,” I warned, shaking my head. “Have a little respect.”

  “Okay, his assumed-to-be-dead sister.”

  “That’s not any better.”

  “But am I right?”

  I sighed, tucking my pillow closer to my chest and resting my chin on the edge. “Pretty much.”

  Willow clicked her tongue. “Jeepers, chica. I think your summer is more interesting than my entire life.” I chuckled, not moving my head from its resting place on the pillow. She watched me through the screen for a moment. “You really like him, don’t you?”

  I nodded.

  “It scares the shit out of you.” She said it as a statement, not a question. I simply nodded again.

  “It’s just, when I first met Rhodes, he was so closed off to me. To the world. And now that he’s letting me in, it’s like he’s pulling me down fast into an ocean of feelings I’ve never felt before.”

  “And you think you’ll drown?”

  I swallowed. “I know I will. I’m the ship, he’s the water. It never ends well for me when there’s a storm.”

  Willow blinked. “Are you turning into me? That totally sounds like some shit I would say.”

  “Someone in Poxton Beach has to take your place. Might as well be me.”

  “Please,” she said, waving her hand at the screen and checking the polish on her nails. “No one can think of bullshit clichés like I can. But valiant effort, Nat.”

  She winked and we both laughed. Willow took it as an opportunity to change the subject, which I was grateful for.

  “So Mom and Dale come home tonight?”

  “Yeah, they should be here in a couple of hours.”

  “You going to tell them about you and Rhodes?”

  I frowned. “I don’t know yet.”

  Willow shook her head. “You couldn’t just fall for a banker’s son? Or wait until college and find a lawyer-to-be? Something boring and predictable that would save you this emotional tug of war and make your parents happy?”

  “I’ve been doing boring my entire life,” I said, shrugging. “I’ll take whatever heartache is coming to feel this alive for a while longer.”

  Willow smirked, braiding her long hair to the side. “My best friend is growing up.”

  “I’ll have wrinkles soon.”

  “Or gray hair.”

  “Probably both.”

  “Don’t worry,” Willow assured me. “I’ve read anti-aging blog posts. I know just the cream and hair dye to fix all of that. As long as your vag doesn’t dry up, we should be good.”

  I laughed. “I miss you.”

  “Miss you more.”

  After hearing horror stories about Willow’s roommate and refusing to tell her anything about my experience going down on Rhodes, we reluctantly ended our video chat just as I heard the front door opening downstairs. Christina had already gone home for the evening, so I knew it was Mom and Dale.

  Tossing my hair up into a messy bun, I skipped downstairs, excited to hear about their trip up north. As soon as my feet hit the bottom stair and I saw my mom’s mascara-streaked face, my stomach fell.

  “Mom?”

  She choked on a sob, her hand flying up to cover her lips.

  “Oh my God, what’s wrong? What happened?” I flew from the stairs and pulled her into a hug. She folded into me easily, leaving all of her weight for me to hold. I felt the tears run from her eyes and soak through my t-shirt, but I only held her tighter.

  When another car door slammed outside, Mom’s head snapped up. Wiping at her face, she urged me toward the stairs. “Go upstairs, honey. I’ll come to your room in a little bit.”

  “No, I’m not going anywhere. Is he high?”

  She smiled, but another tear fell from the apple of her cheek onto the hardwood floor. “It’s okay, sweetie. I just want to get him to bed and then I’ll come up. I promise.”

  “I can help you,” I said, making a move toward the door.

  “No!” The tone of her voice surprised me and I halted. “Damnit, Natalie, do as you’re told and go to your room!” My mouth popped open and Mom bit her lip, closing her eyes tight. “I’m sorry. Please, honey, just give me a few minutes.”

  The door swung open behind her and Dale stumbled through the frame. His dark hair was slick with sweat, his eyes rimmed in red. When they found mine, I gulped.

  I’d always seen Dale as nurturing, kind of like the father I’d never had. He was caring and calm, patient and understanding. He was a businessman, firm but compassionate. But that night, all I saw when I looked into his eyes was a menacing calm that scared me more than I would admit to myself.

  “Natalie, please,” my mom begged. I looked to her once more, feeling my heart ache at the sight of her tears, before I did as she asked. I didn’t chance another look at Dale before jogging up the stairs and into my room. Shutting the door behind me, I reached for my phone and quickly typed out a text to Rhodes. He was working the first night shift at his new job, serving as one of the cooks in the small diner right across the street from the high school. It wasn’t everything he wanted, but it was a start. And right now, it was a major inconvenience to me. I hated how selfish I felt, but I needed him. When ten minutes went by without him responding, I knew I wouldn’t hear from him until his shift ended.

  Fighting back my own tears, I collapsed into the covers of my bed and wrapped them around me. I stared at my closed door, listening to the shuffling and muffled voices of Mom and Dale down the hall. I had no idea what was happening. Was it Dale’s addiction? What exactly was he addicted to? Had he hit Mom? Would he hit Mom?

  It seemed like an eternity had passed by when Mom finally slipped through my door, holding her finger to her lips to ask me to stay quiet. I simply held up the covers so she could crawl into bed with me. When she did, I wrapped my arms around her and told her I loved her.

  And she cried.

  I wanted to ask her what happened. I wanted her to stop acting like I wasn’t old enough to handle whatever was happening. But, in that moment, I knew all she needed was for me to be there, so I didn’t ask anything at all. I hugged her and let her know she wasn’t alone. That was what she needed.

  Mom fell asleep after a while, and I tried to rest, but failed. Around one, Mom kissed me on the forehead and slipped out of bed. I pretended to be asleep, but I listened to her feet pad down the hallway to her and Dale’s room. Once she was inside, I reached for my phone and sighed with relief when I saw the text from Rhodes.

  - Come over. -

  I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a PBHS hoodie before quietly sneaking out. Although I probably didn’t need to be quiet at all — Dale was clearly wasted and I knew Mom had left my room to go take a sleeping pill. She’d been self-medicating almost every night that summer and didn’t think I had noticed.

  Rhodes was standing outside when I pulled into his apartment. He yanked the driver door open and I leapt into his arms, burying my face into his neck. He held me tight, gently took the keys from my hand, locked the Rover, and carried me inside.

  He helped me to the couch and brought me a glass of water, but I set it to the side without taking a drink. Rhodes opened his arm for me and I snuggled into his chest.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head, kissing the hot skin of his neck. He had already changed into navy blue basketball shorts and a plain white t-shirt and his hair was damp from a shower, but he still smelled faintly of grease.

  “You sure?”

  “I don’t really know what’s going on, to be honest. Dale has a problem, Mom is treating me like I’m too young to understand, and I just don’t want to be home right now.”

  He nodded. “I know that feeling. Are you hungry?”

  “Not really.”

  “Tired?”

  “Definitely not.”

  Rhodes frowned. “Tell me how to help you, Bug.” He lifted my chin with his knuckle, his viridescent eyes flicking
back and forth between my chocolate irises. My eyes fell to his lips, and without hesitating, he answered the request I didn’t have to speak aloud.

  He winced as his lips met mine, as if my mouth had burned his, and maybe it had. I felt the heat every time Rhodes touched me, and at this point, I wasn’t ruling out that maybe I had the power to do the same to him.

  No matter how many times Rhodes kissed me, my heart still hammered in my chest every time his tongue snaked in to meet mine. He sensed it, gently laying me down on the couch. He moved between my thighs, his rough hand hiking one up and hitching it around his waist. I gasped at the feel of him pressed against me and he smirked against my lips.

  “How do you do that?” I breathed.

  He sucked my lower lip between his teeth and released it with a pop. “Do what?”

  “Make me forget all the pain?”

  Rhodes stilled, his thumb softly grazing the exposed skin between my pants and hoodie. His eyes searched mine before he pulled me up just enough to strip my sweater over my head. Dropping it to the floor, he ran the pad of his thumb across my lower lip where his teeth had just marked me for his own.

  “I don’t know, but I don’t ever want to stop.” His mouth found the sensitive skin of my neck, my collarbone, the swell of my breast. He used both hands to push my tank top up so he could kiss down my navel. When his teeth grazed my hip bone, I bucked, and he took it as permission to slide my pants down to my knees. Leaning back on his heels, he slowly grabbed the fabric bunched over my left leg and pulled it off, his eyes locked on mine the entire time. He did the same to what was left hanging from my right leg before dropping them to the ground next to my hoodie.

  Rhodes pulled me to sit up straight. My feet were on the floor for only a moment before he fell to the ground and hiked both of my knees up on his shoulders. I gasped at the sight of his neon eyes piercing the darkness as he gazed up at me.