The Renegade

by P. M. Johnson

  Chapter 15

  Yes, there are hundreds, thousands, millions of voices crying out to be avenged, but who among the Children of Bréh can offer justice? Who can stand against the fast-rising flood of unremitting cruelty? Flee! You have it in your power. Escape to the stars! Set aside foolish pride and desire for revenge. Follow the Geth into the great beyond, nevermore to return, humbled, impoverished, but alive.

  - Sissuro Hanni, Appeal to the Last Alamani.

  Logan and Beth reclined on a bed of pillows and blankets on the floor of their small apartment in the city of Liberty, formerly the Capitol District, and watched the dancing flames of a crackling fire. Logan rested his back against a sofa and gently pulled Beth toward him until her back lay against his chest. In her hand was a glass of red wine. She took a sip and set it on the low table to her left.

  “I don’t want us to part,” she whispered.

  Logan traced the lines of her arm with his forefinger until he reached her hand. He laced his fingers together with hers and breathed in the sweet, intoxicating scent of her hair.

  “Ravenwood is leaving for Tyseria soon, and he’ll want you at his side.”

  “Nope,” she said. “Change in plans. He’s staying here and Chancellor Penawah asked me to join Agrom and go to Osh to try one last time to change Skogg’s mind. I don’t know what I can say that he hasn’t already heard, though. Maybe Pendu Barka and her Brevians can give it another shot.”

  “You know Skogg hates Ambassador Barka.”

  “He’s a wise and stubborn old Grenn, immune to her tricks,” said Beth. “Like many Lycians, he knows that whatever the Brevians say or do, they’re never forthright. Their brains are wired to be constantly probing, gathering data, influencing behavior. It’s just who they are.”

  “That’s why Ravenwood needs you. Because we can’t fully trust Barka, he relies on you. You’re his best and brightest assistant.”

  “Best, brightest, and only assistant is more like it,” quipped Beth. She took a sip of wine, placed the glass once more on the table, and continued in a more serious tone. “Ravenwood’s got a tough job ahead of him. Negotiations on the terms of Earth’s joining the Alliance have ground to a halt. The Lycians keep throwing in more conditions, but they can’t seem to get their priorities right. They’re falling apart.”

  Logan grunted dismissively and looked into the fire. “You’d think the fall of Halduan would have woken them up to what’s at stake. It should have pulled them together, but it’s doing the opposite.”

  “Stop thinking logically. Losing the capitol simply accelerated their scheming and infighting. It threw fuel onto long smoldering doubts of ever defeating the Sahiradin. To be honest, only Admiral Var-Imar’s fleet and Chancellor Penawah’s strength of will are keeping the Alliance from collapsing. Ravenwood understands them better than I do. He has more patience for their nonsense.” She turned to her side and looked into Logan’s eyes. “Maybe I’ll just retire and let him deal with them.”

  Logan shook his head. “He needs someone at his side, Beth. Besides, you’re a natural at this diplomacy stuff. You speak Malorian like a native, not to mention Rui and…what’s the Tullan language?”

  “Urudaska. It’s their main dialect. They can’t agree on an official language.”

  “Whatever…it’s very impressive. Three languages in three years.”

  “The Brevians taught me well.”

  “And you gobble up Trade Federation regulations and protocols like they’re popcorn.”

  She smiled and laughed softly. “I don’t like popcorn. It sticks between my teeth.”

  She reached over to place her hand on Logan’s cheek and gently stroked it. “There are a dozen very capable people willing to take my place. Maybe I should let one of them have the job.”

  “It wouldn’t be someone Ravenwood trusts like he trusts you,” countered Logan. “We think of him as some kind of mysterious, indomitable force that eventually overcomes all resistance, but he needs someone at his side he can really lean on – someone he can talk to. And that someone is you.”

  “I’ll politely but firmly decline.”

  “He wouldn’t let you get away. He’d harangue you until you came back just to shut him up.”

  Beth dropped her hand from Logan’s cheek and rested it on the blanket covering his knee. “I’d hide from him.”

  “That’s like trying to hide from the moon. He’d soon find you.”

  She remained silent for a few moments, listening to Logan’s breathing.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to resign your commission?” she asked.

  “I guess I’d just had enough of Attika and her idiot Septemberist minions. I met with her two days ago. Barged into her office to be more accurate.”

  Beth slowly nodded her head. “So I heard. You went into one of your famous righteous rages. You didn’t use to be so quick to anger.”

  “I didn’t use to have to deal with narrow minded bureaucrats,” he muttered, though he silently admitted Beth was right. He’d changed. Over the past few years his personality and those of the spirits within him had slowly intermingled in countless ways. Some were subtle, such as his deepening understanding of the ways of the Lycians and the Sahiradin. Others, such as his volatile temper, were more obvious. “I was angry that her damn committee voted against answering the UEC’s call for money and troops.”

  That was true, but like so many things he told Beth these days, it was not the whole truth.

  “I can’t say I’m surprised, given the state of the economy,” said Beth, “but she could have pledged something.”

  “Not one cent for defense but billions for tribute,” said Logan bitterly.

  “Did she give you a reason why the committee voted against it?”

  “She spewed some garbage about the weak economy and political instability, but then she admitted what she’s really up to. She’s planning to dismantle Second Army, probably First Army too if she can get rid of Vessey.”

  “You’re joking,” said Beth in disbelief. “You people really know how to screw things up. First your Guardians build up a giant military so you can take over the continent…”

  “Not my Guardians,” interjected Logan.

  “…Now Attika wants to disarm completely and ignore the Sahiradin threat. When are you people going to get a grip?”

  “Good question, especially now that the Sahiradin are moving against Agurru,” said Logan. “But don’t be fooled. Attika has no plans to disarm. She just wants to replace the Army leadership and the old veterans with her own people - people she trusts.”

  “And when you say ‘people she trusts’ you mean Septemberists.”

  “Exactly,” said Logan as he finished his glass of wine.

  “But the northern part of the country still isn’t under control,” noted Beth. “There are thousands of PRA loyalists and former SPD officers causing trouble up there. Of course they call themselves the Storm Front now, but it’s the same bunch of lowlife scum. If she weakens the army too much, they’ll get the upper hand and the whole country might come crashing down around her.”

  “True, but she’s also afraid to use the army to crack down. She’s relying on her Conguards. She’s giving them heavier equipment – troop transports, Provex armor, M-35s and 37s. Equipment that should be going to the Army.”

  “Shields?”

  “Not new ones; they’re too expensive to make. But she’s taking existing ones from the Army and giving them to the Conguards. No need for the military to have antiballistic shields if we’re not at war, right? And there’s no foreign market for them because the Earth Defense Force will get shields from the Lycians along with everything else. They’re a thousand times more advanced, and they’re free. The Lycians will equip anyone willing to join the fight.”

  Logan looked into the fire for a moment then declared, “Attika’s nuts.”

  “Maybe, maybe not,” said Beth. “You see what she’s doing, right? She’s trying to
solidify her powerbase. Seen that way, her plan makes sense: disband the old regime’s military; replace it with one you can trust, honor the heroes of the past while quietly sidelining them; put food in the bellies of the people; and avoid foreign, or in this case alien, entanglements that limit your ability to maneuver.”

  “Sounds like you’ve got her all figured out.”

  Beth shrugged. “It all just seems obvious to me.”

  “Yeah. Obvious,” muttered Logan.

  “You know, now that I think about it, it’s much better that you resigned your commission.”

  “I think the term ‘fired’ is more accurate,” said Logan.

  “Whatever,” said Beth. “But now you can run for Congress. As a Congressman, you could change the direction the country is going. You could get things done.”

  Logan groaned at the thought of running for political office. The notion made his stomach turn. And how would that help him to defeat the Sahiradin? How would it get him any closer to the Apollo Stone? Not for the first time, he felt a deep yearning in his breast, for he and the spirits longed for the power of communion like a parent for its child or a parched land for the rain. No one else could comprehend the nature and depth of this desire – not Ravenwood, not Beth. Only he the spirits understood.

  “Seriously, Logan. You’re a war hero – you defeated Third Army. You captured Colonel Linsky and delivered him in chains. You’ve fought against the Sahiradin. People will vote for you, Logan. If you want to beat Attika, that’s the way to do it.”

  “No, no, and hell no!” he said. “Besides, I’m not as popular as you say. Politics is her arena. She’d rip me apart. And to be honest, I don’t give a damn about the People’s Republic, the Federated States, or whatever they call this country six months from now.”

  He curled a few stray blonde hairs behind Beth’s ear then turned sideways so they were facing each other, the crackling fire illuminating their faces in dancing yellow light. He leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the lips, but he could tell that Beth’s mind was elsewhere, racing down another path.

  “Right…Maybe not Congress,” she murmured. “They’re all Attika’s creatures; you’d never get anything done.” Then with more enthusiasm, “How about becoming a state prefect or governor? You’d be outside the capitol and all its intrigue. You’d be among the people.”

  Logan groaned once more. “I’m a fighter, not a politician.”

  “You’re a leader.”

  “Please,” he scoffed dismissively. “I just want to kill Sahiradin and being in front of an army helps me do that. Anyone who wants to be a leader for its own sake shouldn’t be trusted. Nine times out of ten they’re just bullies, petty and egotistical. But let’s not talk about politics and leadership.” He grinned wolfishly. “I’ve got something else on my mind.”

  He pulled Beth close to him. She smiled and gave him a playful kiss on the nose. He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tightly, noting once again how slender yet strong she was. She was so light, he could lift her up with one arm, but in battle he’d never seen anyone so fierce and determined, aside perhaps from Lena. When dressed in battle armor she seemed to grow in size, her shoulders broadened, her arms and legs grew thicker, her voice acquired a strange resonance that penetrated to your bones. But here, now, lying under the blankets before a dancing fire, she was vulnerable, beautiful.

  He kissed her neck then pressed his cheek against hers.

  “Or maybe we don’t do anything,” she whispered.

  “I like the sound of that.,” he murmured.

  “I’ll resign my commission too. You know I’m still officially in the League Defense Force.”

  “Even better,” he said as he kissed her neck once more. “We’ll both step back - take a minute to think.”

  “Hmm,” she breathed. A smile spread across her face. She lowered her hand and gently raked her fingernails along Logan’s forearm. “We could stay here forever. Never go outside, just eat, sleep, and make love. That would be a good life.”

  “I’ll even cook for you,” he said as he reached below the heavy blanket and caressed her thigh, pleased to hear her breath quicken in response. “What does your heart desire this evening?” he whispered. “I will give it to you.”

  “Peace,” she said after a long pause. “Real, permanent peace. You made the Guardians go away. Now make the Sahiradin go away. Then we can settle down on a farm somewhere on the shores of a little lake.”

  There will be no peace until I have the Apollo Stone and the Sahiradin are crushed, he thought, though he buried that wish as soon as it appeared, responding playfully, he said, “What happened to staying in this apartment forever? Eat, sleep, and make love?”

  “Changed my mind. Now I want a farm.”

  He chuckled. “Okay, a farm it is. We’ll raise chickens, pigs, and goats.”

  She ran her fingers through Logan’s dark, wavy hair. “And cows. Every farm needs a few cows.”

  “Of course we’ll have cows,” he agreed, nodding his head and smiling. “They’ll be the envy of everyone. And we’ll have kids.”

  “Mmmm…yes. Strapping young lads to work the land,” she said with a laugh.

  “And girls as pretty as roses to brighten our days,” said Logan, smiling. Then he added in a deep voice, “And to work the land.”

  She scowled and lightly tugged his hair. He took her hand in his then kissed her firmly on the lips. She wrapped both arms around him, digging her fingers into his back. He pulled her close once more. Below the blanked, she snaked her leg around his until their bodies were tightly intertwined.

  He kissed her again. She returned his kiss for a long moment. Logan’s pulse began to increase, his breathing grew heavier.

  Suddenly, Beth pulled her lips from his. He tried to kiss her again, but she withdrew into the folds of the blanket.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked, trying to hide his disappointment, already knowing the answer.

  “I don’t see how we can win this war,” she said softly. “There are so many of them, Logan. And Ravenwood tells me that with the Sahiradin fleet approaching Agurru, the Tullans are considering leaving the Alliance. They think they can fall back to their fortified worlds, disconnect the khâls to non-Tullan systems and fend off any Sahiradin attacks on their own. Maybe even strike a separate peace. If they do that, it’s the end of the Alliance. The Rahani are talented pilots, but they’re no match against Sahiradin warriors in a ground battle. And the Grenn pulled out of the fight more than a year ago. Without the Grenn or Tullans to go toe-to-toe against the Sahiradin, the Lycians will need more troops from Earth than we can possibly contribute. How many can we muster? Twenty thousand? Fifty thousand? Two hundred thousand? What’s that against millions of Sahiradin warriors?”

  Logan turned her chin to face him and looked into her eyes. “Where are you going with all of this? Should we stop fighting? The Sahiradin are going to hit Agurru. If anyone thinks we can stick our head in the sand and wish it all away, they need to think again. And let’s not forget they have the Apollo Stone now. There’s no hiding from them. If we stop fighting, we die.”

  “I know,” she replied softly. “And I don’t think we can hide from them. It’s just that, without the Tullans or the Grenn the Lycians will be leaning on us to do the hard, bloody fighting.” She looked at Logan and placed a hand on his cheek. “I know you’re planning to meet General Longmire and sign up under his new command in the EDF. I’m afraid for you, for both of us.”

  “Don’t be.”

  “Don’t tell me not to be afraid, Logan,” she said sternly. “What if I wanted to just disappear and let others do the fighting? Live life peacefully for as long as possible – stop worrying about the Sahiradin and just live. What would you do?”

  “I’d go with you.”

  She glanced at him doubtfully then whispered, “Maybe you would. You’d be miserable, but you’d try to keep your word. But let’s be honest. Thoughts of laying down your s
word and spending the rest of your days with me don’t grip you like your hatred for the Sahiradin or your fascination for that thing. You might give up fighting the war, but you’d never be able to give up your desire it.”

  Logan gave her a confused look as though surprised by her accusation, but it was a thin veneer, something to distract her and buy time while he assembled his defenses.

  “You know what I’m talking about, Logan. The Apollo Stone…Suvial.”

  Logan returned her steady gaze but said nothing. His heart swelled with love for Beth. He loved her for her beauty and intelligence, for her toughness and forthrightness. Yet, despite his utter devotion to her, he rarely spoke to her about Suvial. And he had never told her the full story about the spirits of long-dead Alamani who now shared his mind and body. Of course, she knew something was amiss. He could fool others and carry on as if all was well, but Beth sensed the truth. She knew that although he closed his eyes at night, he rarely slept. He told her it was due to the pressures of command, but in truth he didn’t have the courage to tell her that his dreams were plagued by alien voices and strange, often terrifying, images. He never told her that it was only through meditation that he could he give the spirits what they desired, freedom to roam through his conscious mind where they interacted with one another and with him. It was a communion of sorts with himself acting as the medium. Over several years of frequent interactions, he had come to know them, especially their leader whom he referred to as the One Voice, and they knew him.

  Yet, although the alien thoughts and images which sometimes flashed through his mind both frightened and exhausted him, he had reached an understanding with the spirits. Their unspoken agreement rested on two principles. First, he and the spirits shared a common desire to regain the Apollo Stone. Despite their fear and anger toward Suvial, the spirits yearned to feel the mystical liberation and heart-pounding exhilaration of communion. Logan desired it as well. He loved the power of coursing through the galaxy, witnessing its wonders. Second, though Logan could not sleep peacefully without the restless spirits waking him, he discovered he could approximate sleep through deep meditation. When his mind drifted into that place between wakefulness and sleep, he released the spirits from the shackles of his will and allowed them to move freely throughout his whole being. During these times of quiet meditation, he sometimes talked with them, or more precisely, shared images, feelings, and thoughts. Though he had an imperfect understanding of the details of the lives they once led, he nevertheless had a profound understanding of their true essence, and they of his. They remained separate, but the Humani and the Alamani were slowly merging together, not necessarily to become one, but rather a composite being, an amalgamation of multiple beings sharing a single corporeal vessel.