Why Do Men Have Nipples?

by Mark Leyner

  It always happened to Wile E. Coyote. The Road Runner drops an anvil on his head and then the poor coyote sees stars circling his head. Not only does this happen in cartoons but it is actually a sign of a concussion. A concussion is simply when an injury to the head causes your brain to move around inside your skull.

  As for the stars, what probably happens is that the portion of your brain that is responsible for visual information, the occipital lobe, bangs up against the side of the skull.

  WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE BOY IN THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE?

  In 1976, one year before John Travolta was dancing his way through Saturday Night Fever, he was in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. The film was based on a true story of a boy suffering from a rare inherited disease called Severe Combined Immunodeficiency Disease (SCID). SCID is now often referred to as “bubble boy”; disease, thanks to this cinematic tour de force.

  Severe Combined Immunodeficiency is a life-threatening syndrome in which there is a defect in the white blood cells that protect us from infection. This lack of a functioning immune system leads to frequent severe infections. Patients are usually diagnosed before they are three months old and if untreated the syndrome can be fatal. New treatments such as stem cell or bone marrow transplantation can save many patients. Gene therapy now also shows promise as a treatment for one type of this syndrome.

  After some of his more recent movies, John Travolta has been rumored to be photographed by paparazzi attempting to re-enter the bubble. Good idea.

  CHAPTER 8

  OLD WIVES’ TALES

  It’s now 4 A.M. and people are drunk, bloated, and exhausted. Leyner is recovering from his Academy Award performance and has his tongue inside the tequila bottle, trying to extract every last drop. He removes his mouth from the bottle and says, “The tongue is God’s gift to the human race . . . the ultimate organ of poetry and pleasuring.”

  Leyner goes on to say, “The lingua, blessed instrument of storytelling that allows me to continue the tradition of the oral urban legend.”

  Jeremy, still stinging from his loss in charades, confronts Leyner and says, “I’m so sick of all your stories, my tongue tells me that you should kiss my ass.”

  Although it’s late for most, nothing motivates Leyner more than verbal provocation. He responds with glee. “Ah Jeremy, in medieval times, kissing the ass of a fool’s sister was said to cure acne. Have you noticed how clear my skin is lately? Thank your sister for me.”

  Jeremy leaps at Leyner and the two of them tumble around the floor in a grunting, adolescent flurry of fists and fury. They roll toward the living room and Leyner, although in a seemingly suffocating headlock, is still able to continue his grand historical survey of old wives’ tales. “The Visigoths believed that eating juniper berries would make them strong for battle.”

  Jeremy tries to silence Leyner with a jab to the throat, but in a hoarse voice Leyner adds, “All it did was cause excessive flatulence.”

  Urban legends and folklore can be the cause of tremendous uncertainty. People often desperately want the record set straight on some of these common myths. So, here you go.

  IS IT TRUE THAT YOU HAVE TO WAIT A HALF HOUR AFTER EATING TO GO SWIMMING?

  As a child, no time seemed longer than the time spent waiting to jump back in the water after a meal. This half hour in hell is not based on science but rather on the minds of nervous parents. There is absolutely no medical evidence that supports waiting thirty minutes before getting back in the pool. Digestion begins immediately when you put food in your mouth, but once the food arrives in your stomach it takes about four hours to process there completely. Food then passes into the small intestine, where it spends another two hours, and then on to the large intestine for another fourteen. These times vary widely depending on what you eat, so don’t set your watch by it.

  This doesn’t mean that it is safe to eat twelve hamburgers and then try to swim the English Channel. Use your head and listen to signals from your body. If you feel pain, cramping, or severe fatigue when swimming, get out, and please don’t puke in the pool.

  WILL STARING AT AN ECLIPSE MAKE YOU GO BLIND?

  Things to avoid staring at:

  a woman’s cleavage

  a large facial mole

  a couple making out in public

  the sun

  The answer to this question is that you probably will not go blind, but staring at an eclipse can indeed cause harm.

  The eclipse of the sun on August 11, 1999, put many people at risk of solar retinopathy. Solar retinopathy is the fancy name for damage to the back of the eye caused when radiation from the sun is concentrated by the lens onto the retina. This radiation causes a burn. Solar retinopathy has been studied in medical literature, and surprisingly the damage it causes is not as severe as previously thought. A group of researchers in the United Kingdom studied forty people who experienced eye problems after the August 11, 1999, solar eclipse. It was found that only half suffered from eye discomfort. Only 20 percent of the group of forty reported some damage seven months after the eclipse. These were people who looked directly at the eclipse. It is unclear if these same patients were also staring at cleavage, moles, or amorous couples.

  SHOULD YOU STARVE A FEVER AND FEED A COLD?

  Or is it feed a fever and starve a cold? Or should you just curl up on the couch, whine like a baby, and call your mommy?

  Either way, the answer is no, but there may be some science behind this old wives’ tale.

  In a study in Clinical and Diagnostic Laboratory Immunology, cell biologists in the Netherlands found that starving and feeding affect the immune system in different ways. Scientists looked at healthy volunteers and measured certain chemical messengers in their blood. After a meal, the average level of the chemical that stimulates the body’s defense against infections increased by 450 percent. So you should feed a cold and a fever, right?

  Not so fast.

  Other volunteers, after starving, had high concentrations of another chemical, one that is also associated with the production of antibodies. So the answer is confusing, because it seems as though both starving and feeding a cold or fever can help the immune system.

  Like many areas of science, there is no absolutely clear answer here. Our recommendation is that whether you have a cold or a fever, your body needs fluid, rest, and nourishment. If you’ve lost your appetite, try to drink plenty of fluids and eat whatever healthy food appeals to you and, if in doubt, whine like a baby and call your mommy.

  DOES WET OR COLD WEATHER CAUSE A COLD?

  A friend once called to ask if she could have caught a cold from touching a goat at a petting zoo. This is not a common question, but many people do ask if any of the following things can cause a cold:

  sleeping in front of an open window

  getting a chill

  sleeping in front of a fan

  getting caught in the rain

  sleeping with a wet goat in front of a fan in the rain

  The answer is no. Cold or wet weather does not cause a cold, but nobody seems to want to accept this.

  The common cold is caused by a virus. These viruses are everywhere and it is difficult to avoid them. When you are exposed to someone who has a cold, you are more likely to get ill yourself, so be careful about close contact and definitely wash your hands. Not getting enough sleep or eating poorly can also reduce your resistance to infection. Remember that antibiotics won’t fight your everyday cold. Antibiotics work only against bacteria.

  To take care of a cold, rest, eat well, and a little chicken soup couldn’t hurt. . . .

  CAN YOU DIE FROM CHASING POP ROCKS WITH COKE?

  From penicillin to Post-its, accidental discoveries have led to many of our most important products. That is how we’ve come to have Pop Rocks.

  Pop Rocks were accidentally invented in 1975 by William Mitchell, a scientist at General Foods. Mitchell was trying to design an instant soft drink when he mixed sugar flavoring and carbon dioxide in his mou
th. His startling discovery may or may not have led to the demise of Mikey, the boy from the Life cereal commercials, who as the urban legend goes, liked mixing Coke and Pop Rocks. Supposedly, this deadly mix caused his stomach to rupture.

  In 1983, Pop Rocks were taken off the market but recently have come back into fashion like Razzles, Sugar Babies, Charleston Chews, and other retro candy. You should have no problem finding Pop Rocks for your home science experiments. You will surely find that there is no danger in the delicious combination of soda and Pop Rocks.

  As for Mikey, he is alive and well and living in post–child star obscurity. As for other child stars, we offer these dramatic gastrointestinally induced death rumors:

  1.Gary Coleman (Diff’rent Strokes) from snorting Lik-M-Aid and drinking fizzies.

  2.Danny Bonaduce (The Partridge Family) from ingesting the marshmallows from thirty boxes of Lucky Charms.

  3.Erin Moran (Happy Days) from choking on Razzles while intoxicated from drinking excessive amounts of Clamato.

  CAN LIP BALM BE ADDICTIVE?

  When you search the Internet these days, you realize that some people have far too much time on their hands. Conspiracy theorists seem to have it out for many commercial products. Websites claim that lip balm manufacturers lace their products with addictive substances, and lip balm companies use the Internet to refute these claims.

  Lip balms may be habit forming, but they certainly aren’t addictive. Carmex, which has been accused of containing acid and ground-up fiberglass, contains salicylic acid, which is closely related to aspirin. The salicylic acid works as a pain reliever and as a drying agent but is not addictive. Chap Stick contains white petrolatum (petroleum jelly), lanolin (a wool grease), and padimate O (sunscreen). Nothing addictive there either.

  IS IT TRUE THAT LEFT-HANDED PEOPLE ARE SMARTER THAN RIGHT-HANDED PEOPLE?

  First we must state that we are right-handed. Second, Billy’s wife is left-handed. Mark’s wife is ambidexterous and must use both hands to keep him in line.

  Medical literature is filled with studies on the effect of right- or left-handedness on oral hygiene, depression, immune function, schizophrenia, enuresis (bed-wetting), longevity, language, asthma, allergies, and injury.

  The list continues but none of the evidence is very clear.

  In general, the right side of our brain receives input from and controls the left side of our body, and vice versa. Therefore, right-handed people are usually said to be left-brain dominant and left-handers, right-brain dominant. Each brain hemisphere is known to have specialized abilities. The right brain is responsible for visual and spatial skills while the left controls language and speech. Again this does not always hold true. Neuropsychologists have tried to test for intelligence differences between lefties and righties but have found no significant results.

  Males are about one and a half to two times more likely to be left-handed than are females. There is no scientific

  evidence about why this occurs but Mark postulates an evolutionary explanation. Males have developed their left hands to accommodate ambidextrous masturbation.

  WILL SLEEPING IN FRONT OF A FAN OR AN OPEN WINDOW CAUSE A STIFF NECK?

  Unless you are sleeping beneath an industrial fan that causes your head to wiggle like a bobblehead doll, there should be no problem. This old wives’ tale has no scientific basis.

  DO MICROWAVES CAUSE CANCER?

  This morning I microwaved the milk for my coffee, and a few hours later I heated up some lasagna for lunch. If what you read on the Internet is true, I should have about twelve more hours to live.

  But no studies have proven modern microwave usage to be harmful. Much of the fear about the cancer-causing agents of microwaves has to do with radiation. Basically anything that moves is radiation, including visible light, ultraviolet rays, X rays, and microwaves. Ionizing radiation, such as X rays, have enough localized energy to do chemical damage to the molecules they hit. Nonionizing radiation, such as microwaves, do not damage molecules.

  One possible danger with microwaves is that heated products can explode even after they are removed from the microwave. Exploding eggs are specifically dangerous. Many injuries have been reported and some doctors in the United Kingdom have even pressed for warning labels.

  WILL USING A CELL PHONE GIVE YOU A BRAIN TUMOR?

  Wireless phones (including cell phones) use radiofrequency energy, also known as radio waves. It is not believed that wireless phones are harmful, but the research in this arena has only been conducted recently, so the real negative effects of cell phone usage remain unknown for now.

  WILL A PLATE IN YOUR HEAD SET OFF A METAL DETECTOR IN THE AIRPORT?

  This question makes me think of the scene from High Anxiety when Mel Brooks, playing Dr. Richard Thorndyke, passes through airport security with a gun. As the metal detector beeps, he bursts out, “Is this a game show? What did I win, a Pinto? I beeped! Take me away! Take me back to Russia! I beeped! The mad beeper is loose!”;

  If you have a titanium plate in your head, a pacemaker, plates and screws for a broken bone, or an artificial implant, this too could happen to you. The size of the implant and the sensitivity of the device will determine whether you are turned into the mad beeper. Don’t worry, the metal detector won’t hurt you.

  IS IT DANGEROUS TO HOLD IN A SNEEZE?

  The old wives’ tale warns us that if you hold in a sneeze, your head might explode. That won’t happen, but you can do yourself some harm.

  A sneeze is a very complicated thing that involves many areas of the brain. A sneeze is a reflex triggered by sensory stimulation of the membranes in the nose, resulting in a coordinated and forceful expulsion of air through the mouth and nose. The Guinness Book of World Records reports the longest sneezing bout ever recorded was that of a schoolgirl from the United Kingdom. She started sneezing on January 13, 1981, and didn’t stop sneezing for 978 days.

  The air expelled by sneezes is said to travel up to one hundred miles per hour, and an unimpeded sneeze sends two to five thousand bacteria-filled droplets into the air. Holding in a sneeze potentially can cause fractures in the nasal cartilage, nosebleeds, burst eardrums, hearing loss, vertigo, detached retinas, or temporary swelling called facial emphysema. Therefore it is best to let your sneeze fly, but please cover your nose and mouth.

  CAN YOU SWALLOW YOUR TONGUE?

  Several years ago at the Columbus Circle entrance to Central Park, I came upon someone having a seizure in the street. As I attempted to help the patient, someone from the crowd reached into the nearby garbage can and insisted that I stick the dirty spoon he had found into the person’s mouth to keep him from swallowing his tongue. The guy with the spoon didn’t seem to be impressed with my medical degree and “politely”; told me that I didn’t know what the (insert vulgar NY expression here:___) I was talking about.

  This is not an uncommon belief, but it is not possible to swallow your tongue. The tongue can block the opening of the airway and one of the first things that you are taught in basic life support is that if someone is having difficulty breathing, you should tilt his or her head and lift the chin. This helps to remove the tongue as an obstruction. If you do come upon someone who is having a seizure, just make sure that he is safe and won’t hurt himself. Do not put a bacteria-covered spoon in the mouth. Call for help and before you know it, the seizure will probably stop on its own.

  CHAPTER 9

  GETTING OLDER

  I can’t believe it’s not over yet. I feel as though this evening has taken years off my life. Leyner and Jeremy have been separated, and there are only a few stragglers left picking at the remnants of Eloise’s glorious buffet.

  Even Leyner seems beaten down from a combination of toxic tequila, amorous adventures, and verbal violence. He is leaning on the credenza and says to me as he agonizingly stretches his neck, “I used to be able to drink, womanize, and brawl and come out of it all as fresh as a daisy. Now I feel limp and shriveled like a rotting clump of stinkweed.”<
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  Leyner stands and arches his back uncomfortably. “Did I mention my prostate feels a little swollen?”

  With that, I turn and exit the party.

  There are many advantages to getting older—early bird specials, senior citizen discounts, the fact that people don’t ask you to help move a sofa up a flight of stairs, and getting away with saying whatever the hell pops into your head. But there are some perplexing changes ahead for all of us. . . .

  5:33 P.M.

  Gberg: Maestro.

  Leyner: Hey you . . . give me five minutes (at most) . . . go get something . . . then we’ll work.

  Gberg: Surely.

  5:45 P.M.

  Leyner: You there?

  Gberg: Yes, sir.

  Leyner: What should we do?

  5:50 P.M.

  Gberg: Light this piece of shit on fire and go drink ourselves silly.

  Leyner: Brilliant idea.

  Gberg: Or we can talk about the health alert that I just received about mycobacterium bovis in U.S.-born children.

  Leyner: What the hell is that?

  Gberg: You are so filled with all of this medical knowledge, I was hoping you could fill me in.

  Gberg: I am waiting.

  Leyner: What is it? Some mushroom thing, some fungal thing?

  Leyner: Some fungal cow thing.

  Gberg: You are getting warm with the cow.

  Gberg: Sounds perverse.

  Gberg: Give up?

  Leyner: I give up.

  Gberg: Similar to TB (mycobacterium tuberculosis).

  5:55 P.M.

  Leyner: Duh . . . should have known that.

  Gberg: Infection that you can get from the milk of infected cattle.