Undertow (Dragonfly)

by Moore, Leigh Talbert

  When Lexy (I’m still calling her Lexy) said she’d come back, I’d been so looking forward to spending more time with her and us getting back to the old team we’d once been. As it turned out, she was more of a team with Billy and Bryant than with me, and I was home alone as much as ever. Every night I was completely miserable when Billy came in, but he never seemed to notice.

  He graduated with honors, of course, and I hoped when school ended he’d adopt a more family-friendly schedule. But with college behind him, he started working harder than ever at the office. I was usually asleep when he got home, and if I wasn’t, we never seemed to have anything to talk about.

  When Will was a baby, that had been fine, but the first day I dropped him off at kindergarten, I knew something had to give. I was crying hysterically when I reached the car, and I had to drive back to the house and have a mimosa so I could get control of myself. That’s when I called Lexy, and of course she came running.

  I couldn’t believe when she suggested I stage an “accidental” pregnancy. It was like an omen, and that silly mimosa had loosened me up so much I spilled the beans about little Will.

  Here you go, Journal. Moment of Truth. (Now that Lexy knows, I don’t know why I shouldn’t write it here.) I did not accidentally get pregnant senior year. Yep. That’s right. I did it on purpose, and I can’t believe I got drunk and told Lexy.

  Now don’t start thinking I’m so devious. It was the only way I could see to hold onto Billy back then with him and Bryant starting on their big development plans. It was like he was forgetting all about our future together, my dreams, and it was making me desperate. The fact that I’d intentionally gotten pregnant with little Will was something I planned to take to my grave, but I was safe. Lexy would never tell Billy.

  Then the other day, when she suggested I “accidentally” get pregnant out of the blue like that, I felt like she was inadvertently saying what I’d done before had been okay. So I told her.

  And I’ve thought about repeating what I did a lot. As the days passed, and I kept finding myself home alone, I decided it might work.

  I was just so angry with Billy. He wouldn’t return my calls during the day, and when I suggested we have another baby, he was so dismissive and cold. He didn’t even seem to care that I was suffering.

  I decided to give him one more chance, so last night when he got home, I planned to bring up the subject gently. But he looked so happy and satisfied after a day accomplishing his dreams, I completely lost my temper.

  “Hard day at the office?” I asked sarcastically.

  “You should see the way it’s all coming together, Meg. It’s going to be exactly the way I dreamed it would be.” His blue eyes gleamed with satisfaction, and the fist of anger tightened even more in my chest. “Bryant’s got the crews running like they were choreographed, and Alex keeps turning out interiors that you just wouldn’t believe.”

  “I’m so glad the three musketeers are having such a great time self-actualizing.” That was a word I’d learned in one of my magazines. It meant following your dreams, something I was never allowed to do, it seemed.

  “Yeah, I guess that’s what we’re doing,” he said, looking down. “What did you do today?”

  “I brought Will to school, came home, watched TV, read a magazine. Waited for school to get out. Picked up Will, and then made your supper.”

  His brow lined. “Is that a good day?”

  I slammed to my feet. “It’s the most pointless existence I can imagine.”

  “Well, maybe the part about TV and the magazine, but the other parts weren’t pointless.” He actually had the nerve to look concerned. “Will loves having his mommy there to pick him up and play with him, and I know I’m glad you made us dinner.”

  “Bill!” I shouted. “I want to be more than a nanny and a personal chef. I want to have another baby!”

  “Meg,” he groaned. “Don’t start.”

  “I’m not a child. You can’t just dismiss me like that. You always just try to dismiss me.” My silly eyes felt hot with tears.

  “I’m not dismissing you,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “I’m asking you to wait and be reasonable. We’ll have another baby as soon as we have our new house.”

  “It’s going to take at least a year to build that house. I can’t wait a year.”

  “Sure you can. And then you can have as many babies as you want.”

  “I want to start now,” I demanded. “It’ll take nine months for another baby to even get here, and that’s if we managed to get pregnant today, which it would have to be immaculate the way things have been.”

  He didn’t answer, and I felt bad for attacking him that way.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “But I feel like I’m going to do something desperate.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like… I don’t know. But I want another baby.”

  His eyes flashed at me. “I said we have to wait.”

  “And I said I don’t want to wait.”

  For a moment we only glared at each other. Then his jaw clenched. “I’ll be very unhappy if we get pregnant again right now.”

  “Well, it would be your fault if it happened,” I said, pushing my hair back. “You’re turning me into a desperate woman.”

  He nodded. “I’ll try to get home more and spend more time with you. We can get through this. It’s like empty nest or something.”

  “It’s more than that.”

  I’d gone to bed angry with him. I didn’t even want to kiss him goodnight, and I’d stayed angry for months. I hated the way I was feeling, and I was sorry that I was taking it out on him. But I couldn’t help it. I was mad, and Billy didn’t seem to care.

  Jan. 15, 19--

  I can’t believe it. Just when I’d given up on us, Billy turned around and surprised us all with a trip to Mexico. He must be the sweetest husband ever. I was sad, and he found a way to take us all on vacation. He called it a business trip to investigate the competition, but I couldn’t care less about that. I had to go shopping.

  Mama was coming home to keep Will while we went, and it was going to be the six of us—Billy and me, Bryant and Donna, Lexy and Suzanne. It was so odd Lexy didn’t have a man to take with her on trips like this. I’d been pretty self-absorbed, and looking back, I couldn’t remember her going on any dates since she’d been home.

  “You should try setting her up with one of your friends,” I said to Billy that night. I was lying in bed reading a book while he undressed.

  “Who?” He sounded confused as he positioned his slacks on the wooden hanger.

  “Lexy.”

  “You mean Alex?” He glanced up at me.

  “I’m sorry, but I cannot call her that.”

  Billy laughed. “So you’re wanting me to set her up with someone?”

  “It’s just not right that we’re all going on this great couples’ weekend, and she’s bringing a girlfriend.”

  “I think it’s great,” he winked. “More pretty ladies in bikinis.”

  “I’ve never seen this Suzanne,” I said, dropping my book. “What if she’s not pretty?”

  “I couldn’t care less. I only plan to look at you.” He walked over and flopped on the bed facing me.

  “You’re very sweet,” I smiled. “And a big fat liar.”

  He rolled onto his back, palms flat on his stomach. “You think I’m getting fat? I guess I don’t get out of the office much anymore. Not like when we were kids and we spent the whole summer slinging hay bales.”

  “Billy!” I laughed. “It’s an expression! You’re perfect, and I meant the only thing you’ll be looking at are high-rises and amenities.”

  “I’ll be checkin you out, too.” He rolled back on his side, facing me.

  “Ugh, well, don’t check too hard. We’re just coming off the holidays, and this trip was a surprise. I haven’t been to aerobics as much as I’d like.”

  “Maybe that’s why you’ve been feeling sad.” He reached out and caugh
t my leg, sliding his hand down my calf.

  “I’m feeling sad because I want to have a baby.” I picked up my book again. He rolled onto his back once more.

  “Meg. Please.”

  “I know! You don’t want to talk about it.”

  “I was hoping this trip might be a little distraction from that. Have some fun, get your mind off things. Spend some time with your friend.”

  “And it’s a tax write-off.”

  “Not only that, I’m looking forward to spending time with Marco. I plan to pump him for all the information I can get.”

  “The owner? I’m sure he’ll tell you whatever you want to know. Everybody likes you.”

  Jan. 16, 19--

  Luxury accommodations are the only way to travel.

  Marco Dominguez was one of the owners of Tango Sol, and he put us all up in individual cabins shaped like tiki huts. They were gorgeous with dark wood floors and tall four-poster beds shrouded in mosquito netting and separated from the more traditional hotel accommodations by a series of paths that ran down the side of a hill covered in little waterfalls.

  The ceilings in the huts went up to points and had an open-air feel, but we never had a bug problem. I assumed there had to be some bug-proofing somewhere that I just couldn’t see. It was Mexico, after all.

  We also had our own porches overlooking the side of the hill and leading down to the beach, where the long expanse of sand was dotted with hammock-bound palm trees for relaxing in the cool sea breezes. It was absolutely beautiful and perfectly romantic.

  If I were to make one recommendation for change, though, it would be removing some of the waterfalls. They were everywhere. One big waterfall crossed the path that separated the swimming pool on the dining level from a smaller pool below. It flowed right over the path, and while it was pretty, the only way to cross it was by getting your feet wet and either ruining your shoes on the outside or taking them off and then getting your shoes all wet on the inside. Or running around barefoot, which was ridiculous. I had a pedicure to consider. I intended to recommend Billy not copy that idea.

  For breakfast I ate nothing but mango and drank their local coffee. It was all so wonderfully fresh. I’d never tasted mango straight from the tree, and instead of being tart and bitter like what we have back home, it was like eating a slice of vanilla cream pie. It was the most delicious fruit I’d ever tasted, and the natives laughed that it was all I ever ordered for breakfast. After we ate each morning, the girls would all go and lie around the pool or walk out to the beach while the guys met and talked business with Marco.

  Lexy seemed to be having a good time with Suzanne, and I only got the chance to talk to her once about bringing a friend instead of a boyfriend. She laughed and said something about me being just like Miss Stella. As if I have anything in common with that old bitty. Lexy could be so stubborn sometimes. I’d decided when we get back home I was going to be more vigilant about hunting down a man for her. She could fuss all the way to the altar.

  In the meantime, I also decided to pursue my other little plan. Enough time had passed that it would probably work. And the fresh breezes and relaxing atmosphere put us all at ease. There was nothing like drinks with dinner to set the tone for a romantic evening, and the last time Billy and I had taken an exotic vacation was on our honeymoon. That was a good memory for both of us.

  Two weeks before the trip, I’d started quietly dropping my birth control pills down the sink while I brushed my teeth every night, and I was hoping the island fertility gods would smile on us this trip. Billy might say he didn’t want to have any more kids, but I remembered how happy he was when I was expecting little Will and then how it was at the hospital. He’d be glad in the end, and I was hoping for little John next.

  It wasn’t hard in this setting to get my handsome husband in the mood. I’d packed the most sheer nightgowns I owned, and I planned not to wear panties or a bra with them. After showering, I brushed my long, blonde hair smooth and stepped out of the bathroom smelling like coconut and hibiscus. I could practically see the sheet rise from where I stood.

  Not that I minded in the least. Billy was perfect as ever, with his cool blue eyes and his light-brown hair highlighted from the sun. Lying in that mosquito-netted bed, sunkissed and lined, in only his white boxers, he was like a movie star.

  The first night, I took my time, starting out by placing his palms over my breasts, with only the filmy fabric of my gown between our skin. Our lips met, softly at first, then increasing in intensity as our bodies remembered and our desire grew. By our fourth night, we were less gentle. I didn’t even bother with the buildup. I’d leave the bathroom completely nude and dive into his waiting arms. We’d roll around in the sheets, kissing and laughing, missing each other and finding each other again, surging with happiness and warmth and electricity until we both cried out in release. It was fantastic, and I was confident we’d have our new baby in nine months.

  Lying on my back, with Billy’s arm hugged across my waist, I gently traced my fingers over the lines in his back as he slept beside me on the cool white bed. The mosquito netting swirled around us, and I closed my eyes to dream of my perfect little boy just waiting to join his family.

  Jan. 20, 19--

  It was hard to return from our exotic rooms in Mexico to our little cottage in Fairview and back to the groove of normal life. Little Will was thrilled Mommy was home, which helped a lot. He was getting to be such a big boy. Mama said she couldn’t stay, so she was leaving in the morning. And with the morning, everyone would return to work.

  I’d be alone again.

  At the same time, I was excited to be back. Billy and I’d had four nights of uninterrupted adult activities, getting re-acquainted with all our favorite sexual positions and even inventing some new ones, and I was confident all my sneaking around had paid off. I might have to name this baby Marco in honor of the location, although that could backfire if it had dark hair like Billy’s daddy. I giggled. I was already planning his little room theme and colors when the phone rang.

  “I want you to decide where you’d like to have dinner tonight and see if you can get a sitter,” Billy announced on the other end of the line.

  I blinked. “What’s the occasion? Did something big happen?”

  “Nope,” he said, sounding as happy as he had in Mexico. “I just made a resolution that I’m not going to work late again, starting now. There’s no need for it. We’re right on schedule.”

  “Billy! That’s wonderful! Did Lexy say something?”

  I heard him frown. “No, why?”

  “No reason.” I was not about to kill his joy by saying I’d discussed him with her. “What are you in the mood for?”

  “Whatever you want. I’m not picky.”

  I hung up the phone elated, and I immediately started going through my mental Rolodex of single guys. Lexy and I had talked in Mexico about how alone I always was, and she’d said she would try to get their team on a more family-friendly schedule. If Lexy had worked it so that she and Billy were home more, I was going to have to return the favor by setting her up on some dates.

  Let’s see, there was Rain and Chuck…

  March 5, 19--

  Twins.

  The doctor said I’m having twins.

  I felt my heart drop to my feet, and I thought I might throw up.

  Billy was going to be furious.

  It had only taken a few weeks after the trip for me to notice something was different. I’d taken a home pregnancy test, and it lit up in less than a minute. At first I was sorry. Billy has been so sweet and attentive these last several weeks. He really listened when I said I was sad, and now I was going to have to tell him I was pregnant. He’d know it wasn’t an accident—especially after our fight before the trip. I’d all but threatened him, and I knew he knew what I was thinking.

  I kept waiting for the right moment to tell him, but after another month, I noticed I was gaining weight faster than I had with Will. I thought it was jus
t because it was my second pregnancy. I’d heard you started showing faster with number two, but I had to be sure. So I left Will with a sitter and made my doctor’s appointment. A quick physical exam, and I was sent back for an immediate ultrasound. Sure enough, two heartbeats. I needed help fast, so I grabbed the phone.

  “Meg?” Lexy’s voice was instantly concerned. “Is everything okay?”

  “Oh, Lexy!” Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Help!”

  “What is it?” she said. “What happened? Is Will okay?”

  “I just left the doctor’s office. He said I’m having twins.”

  “What?” For a moment she was confused, then instantly happy. “But that’s wonderful! Right? And wow. Twins.”

  “Shh!” I hissed loudly, quickly unlocking my car and climbing inside. “Are you at work?”

  “Where else? Your husband is a ruthless taskmaster. And now he says no overtime. I barely get a break.”

  “He doesn’t know yet,” I said in a low voice.

  “What? I thought you two had decided together—”

  “No,” I snapped. “I did what you said and dropped the pills down the sink.”

  “Wait,” her voice was nervous, and I could tell she was already changing the story on me. “Meg, no. Not that.”

  “You told me to!”

  “I also told you to volunteer or get a part-time job. This is not good.”

  “Oh my god, Lexy!” Panic hit me hard, and I was almost in tears. “You can’t turn on me now! Billy’s never going to forgive me, and now it’s twins!”

  “Calm down,” she said softly. I could hear her walking fast. “First, he will forgive you. He’ll be shocked, and he might be a little annoyed, but he will forgive you. Keep positive. Bill loves babies. Remember how happy he was when you were expecting Will?”

  “But he thought that was an accident.” My voice was still a high-pitched whisper. “He’s going to know I did this on purpose.”

  “How would he know? You’re being paranoid. Just act very surprised, maybe throw in a little shock, and say you have no idea how it happened. Blame Mexico and all the antibiotics you were taking.”