Undertow (Dragonfly)

by Moore, Leigh Talbert

  “It’s not going to work,” I said, trying to focus on the road. “He knows I wasn’t taking antibiotics. And we had a fight. I practically threatened him.”

  “What?” I heard her frown.

  “After you visited that day. I kept stewing about what you’d said, and we ended up having the biggest fight later on. I said I wanted a baby, and he said he’d be disappointed if I turned up pregnant… Oh, Lexy!”

  “You never told me—”

  “I know!” I cried, walking fast into the cottage. “He’s going to know I did it on purpose.”

  “Now stop. Just stop, stop, stop. We’re talking about a baby here.”

  “Babies!” I cried, throwing my purse on the counter and dropping into a chair.

  “Well, still. It’s not like you got caught with another man. This is a good thing!”

  “I need you to be here when I tell him.”

  “No.” I could tell she was shaking her head. “I can’t do that. This is not my business.”

  “It most certainly is! This was all your idea.”

  “Meg! Stop saying that!” she cried. “I didn’t mean for you to actually do it!”

  “Then why did you say it?”

  “I don’t know! You were sad! I wanted to make you happy! I would’ve dressed up like Big Bird if that would’ve made you smile.”

  “Please come over,” I pleaded, holding my face in my hand. “Just come over to see Will, and I’ll tell him when you’re in the other room. I just need you to be here in case he loses it.”

  “Bill would never hurt you, especially not if you’re pregnant.”

  “I know, but I’m scared. I need moral support, and you’re so brave.”

  She exhaled loudly into the phone. “Okay. What time?”

  It was a huge relief Lexy was coming. I decided to stop off at La Belle Monde and have a massage on the way to pick up Will. Since I’d talked to that doctor, I’d been completely clenched.

  In the beginning, I’d felt a twinge of guilt for deceiving Billy with the pills and all, but I was convinced once he saw his new little son or daughter, all would be forgiven. Now that he’d been working so hard to be home and spending time with us, I wasn’t so sure. And I’d never expected to hit the jackpot.

  Twins.

  April 23, 19--

  Time is supposed to be some great healer, but I think it’s all a lie.

  I hate time.

  Time is my enemy.

  It’s a great, shapeless blob that expands and contracts depending on who’s controlling it.

  I have to figure out what to do with it every day. When I’m not looking, it’s this sneaky presence that creeps in and says I’m getting older, and all my dreams are passing me by. Or it’s this empty space. This big empty space filled with nothing.

  No one ever has any of it to give me, but I’ve always had more than my share to spend. And if I had all the time I’ve spent alone in my life, maybe I could use it to go back and start over and do everything differently.

  Billy is so mad at me. He’s almost completely stopped coming home. I haven’t seen him in two weeks.

  I can tell he’s been here to get clothes, and I can see he’s showered. But he never sleeps here. It’s like we’re separated, but somebody forgot to send me the notice. Do you even get a notice when you’re separated or is it something that just happens? I tried calling him once, but he would only answer my questions with Yes or No, and after listening to the hum of silence, I said goodbye.

  How could what I’ve done be so bad? I can’t believe he’s so unhappy about having twins. I should be the one freaking out, but instead it’s him. He says it’s not about the babies, that he loves his children. He says it’s because I lied. I deceived him.

  I don’t really get that, because when you’re married and you sleep together, you could always get pregnant. You’re supposed to be okay with that when you sign on the dotted line.

  And here it comes again. Time. It just keeps passing. I started sleeping with little Will in his big boy bed until I got too big and uncomfortable. I’m growing like a giant whale, and these days it’s nonstop doctor’s appointments. I never had to go so much with Will. My back is killing me, and last week I was spotting. The doctor says I’ve got to go on bed rest, but I’m fighting that as long as I can.

  Tonight for supper, Will and I dined on delicious leftovers. I’ve been cooking for three, but there’s only ever two to eat it. I can’t believe Billy won’t even come home long enough to see his son. Will doesn’t even ask about Daddy anymore. He’s so used to him being gone all the time.

  I was so angry and sad after I’d tucked him in his little bed, I decided to take a long, hot bath. That’s where I was when I heard the door. My heart jumped.

  “Billy!” I called as loudly as I could without disturbing Will. After a few minutes, he walked back into the bedroom and sat on the bed. “Billy, is that you?”

  “It’s me,” he said.

  A wave of happiness hit me so hard, I almost wept. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here. Give me a second.”

  I pulled myself out of the tub and quickly dried off, wrapping up in his robe. It was the only one that barely fit me now.

  “You’re really growing,” he said.

  I nodded. “I know. It’s kind of scary, but the doctor says I’m right on track.”

  His eyes traveled up my body but stopped before they reached my face. “Do you feel bad?”

  “I did, but I’m feeling a lot better now.”

  I went over to sit beside him. He put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my forehead. My body trembled with need, and I was fighting tears. But the last thing I wanted was to start crying like a baby in front of him.

  “Are you staying?” I asked quietly, afraid of his answer.

  He nodded, and I reached my arms around his waist. I pressed my face on his shoulder to stop the tears. We stayed that way for a few minutes, and then he stood and started taking off his coat.

  “Mama said we could move some of our stuff in the big house and live there after… after my delivery,” I said, watching him.

  “I’d thought about that. I’ll get some of the guys to come over, and you can tell them where you want everything put.”

  “I was thinking we don’t have to move everything. Just clothes and a few pieces of furniture. The beds. Will’s stuff.”

  He nodded, continuing to change.

  “Oh, Billy, are you ever going to forgive me?”

  He stopped. “I just need some time.”

  Then he went into the bathroom to shower, and I crawled up on the pillows. At least he was home. I could work with Time on this one.

  Dec. 15, 19--

  It’s been two months and three days since the babies were born, and I’m just getting my feet under me again. For the record, having twins is exhausting!

  I’d never been so glad little Will was in school until I brought my two golden angels home and started caring for them. Before, I’d missed my little man. He was my constant companion. Now, I never stop moving.

  Looking at their adorable faces, I wished we were at a point where I could hire a nanny. Things were coming together, and we were starting to have more money in the bank, but we were still tied to a budget. I guessed I’d have to wait. I couldn’t put that pressure on Billy at this stage in the game. Not now that he’d finally gotten over being so angry at me about the whole thing. I never expected that to last so long. I thought I’d lost him, and I’d been on my best behavior ever since.

  John is a good little baby. We call him Jack, and he sleeps right on schedule and does exactly what he’s supposed to do. Lucy is constantly in motion. She cries when I put her down, she wakes her brother if I lay her too close to him, and then he screams. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a day at the spa. Mama came back from Sedona for the first several weeks, but after she left, it was just me and the babies. If only I had an extra pair of hands to help me all the time!

  Billy was still wor
king as much as ever, but at least he was coming home now. We still hadn’t slept together since the night I told him about the twins, not that I’d really felt much like that. I was just glad he wasn’t sleeping at his office anymore. That was the hardest two weeks of my life.

  I’d been willing to take a chance on him being mad when I’d hatched my little plan, but I’d never meant for it to be like that. I wondered if the twins part made it worse. I wondered if I’d only been expecting one if he’d still have been so angry.

  It didn’t matter. Things were getting back to normal, slowly but surely.

  May 15, 19--

  I know. I’m the worst Journal writer now, and I used to be so faithful!

  I’m doing my best, but with all these babies, it’s hard to find time to write. Let me see, where are we now?

  Spring.

  It’s spring, and I’ve decided to try and get out with the twins more while Will is still in school. Three children is really two too many for one person, so I’m attempting to get back in circulation before summer comes. I have no idea what I’ll do then. Hire some teenager, I guess. Billy will just have to understand.

  There’s nothing I love more than driving over to Newhope to stroll the blocks between Church and Section Streets and visit the French Quarter on De La Mare Avenue. The streets all have wide sidewalks that are adorned with native spring flowers, stargazer lilies, impatiens, and fresh-faced daisies. Newhope actually plans for flowers in their city budget, and the planners know how to decorate a town. They have flowers peeping out from behind every window, hanging from the streetlights and even around the trash cans.

  It’s the happiest time of the year to be here, other than when they light up all the trees at Christmas, and with the babies asleep in the stroller, I can wander through the small shops and immerse myself in high fashion. Girls come from Atlanta and Charleston to open stores here catering to the tourists who vacation at the Grand Hotel in Clear Pointe, and they always have the most appealing selections.

  There’s one store devoted entirely to purses, and the owner is so friendly. She always tells me to park the stroller by her desk, and I can try on all her quirky bags. One is made from tennis shoes and another from old album covers. One looks like a satin pillow with the faces of Japanese geishas painted on the side. They’re all works of art, and I have to struggle not to buy ten of them.

  From there I make my way down to the shoe store where the owners have set up a little play area for kids. So thoughtful! I can try on heels that look like they came straight off the runway in Italy. Snake and leopard skins, feathers and Lucite, daisies and open-toes. They’re all stunning. I sneaked a pair of ten-inch bright green heels in embossed crocodile. They’re gorgeous and they’re on sale, so that counts for something. Daddy left me a little legacy when he died, and while everything’s still Mama’s, she gave it to me now. It’s fun to have a bit of breathing room, and I deserve a little treat after working so hard.

  In the clothing store, I tried on all the latest in New York fashions. The girls there helped me decide on a pair of jeans and a bright tank top to match my new shoes. I could pair it with a scarf or jacket for cooler evenings, and they helped me choose some chunky accessories to tie everything together perfectly and even match my purse. I just had to buy them. They were practically made for me. We all agreed. And since I was getting closer to my pre-twins size, I needed to update my wardrobe. What would people think if the wife of the most important developer on the Gulf Coast were wearing last year’s fashions?

  At the toy store on Newhope Avenue, I picked up a few developmental toys for the babies. I wanted them to be smart, and they couldn’t just play with each other all the time. They were starting to wake up when I decided we’d better make our way back to the car. The stroller was almost tipping over backwards from the weight of all the bags I’d looped on the handles. But I felt so refreshed.

  I decided if my plans with Billy hadn’t worked out, and I’d had to figure out a way to support myself, owning a little shop like that would’ve been the perfect thing. I’d always had impeccable taste, and I would have no problem finding the hottest items at market in Atlanta or Dallas.

  Driving home, I imagined the possibility of things being different. I remembered the first time I saw Billy at school. Lexy and I were walking from one class to another, and there he was, leaning with his back against his locker looking in a book. I saw those blue eyes, and I think I said out loud that he was the one. He was already tall but skinny. He hadn’t really filled out yet, but that would come later. Like most of the local boys, he’d end up spending every summer doing what amounted to manual labor on the farms, but I wasn’t complaining. All that heavy lifting paid off for us girls.

  I remembered he was so serious and focused even then. Bryant was on the football team, but not Billy. He taught himself to play golf. He taught himself to do everything. And then they got their big idea junior year. Up until that point, we’d been practically inseparable, but once he and Bryant got started on their plan, he did nothing but read, read, read. Everything he could get his hands on about development and business and economics. It was practically impossible to divert his attention, and as the end of senior year started closing in, I’d had to do something to keep my dreams on track.

  I didn’t regret it. Not even a little, even with things like they are now. We’d find our way back together. This was just a temporary setback, and these storeowners would have to settle for my patronage rather than my companionship. I wouldn’t do anything differently. I loved my life, and I loved my babies. I just wished I wasn’t so tired all the time.

  I was asleep most nights when Billy got home, but that was one bright spot. I could feel him over there beside me again.

  The other night, I managed to get both twins to sleep at once and decided to sit up and wait for him. By 10 o’clock, I was asleep. Still, I roused when he slid into the bed and moved toward him. I wasn’t fully awake, but it only took a few kisses to let him know I was willing. His soft lips and gentle touch reminded me why we had three babies. That was a good night, and I’d drifted to sleep in his arms.

  Aug. 10, 19--

  Well, I just got the shock of my life today! I would never have believed this one was coming, even if someone had sat me down and warned me.

  It’s been three months since Miss Stella’s funeral, and in that time I haven’t seen a hair on Lexy’s head. Every time I call, she tells me she’s tired or she’s working on some project she simply can’t leave.

  It was getting to be too much. I could deal with a husband I never saw, but not a best friend. Will had just started back to school, so I decided to drive to her little cottage in Dolphin Shores and pay her a surprise visit with the twins. She hadn’t seen them since the funeral, and I hoped the sight of their little sunny faces would cheer her up.

  I was the one surprised when she answered the door.

  “Oh my god! Lexy, you’re pregnant!” I shrieked and hugged my best friend, laughing.

  “Meg, what are you doing here?” She turned white as a ghost. “You brought the twins!”

  I ignored her odd reaction. “Let me see you!” I said. “When did this happen? Who’s the daddy?”

  She literally looked like she might faint. “It’s… well, it’s somebody from work. You don’t know him. Oh, Meg. I really wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

  I blinked, not sure how to take that. I had always dreamed of us having babies together, and even though I was a little ahead, it wasn’t by much. “I’m sorry. Are you feeling bad?”

  “No.” She shook her head not meeting my eyes. “I just hadn’t told you about this, and… and now here you are.” She stepped back. “Come in. Sit. Let me get something for the babies. Do you want some coffee?”

  “Sure, thanks. But Lexy! Stop being weird,” I went to the table, putting the twins down. They were crawling and pulling up on everything, which made it hard to sit for long. “So who’s this guy at work? I know everybody th
ere! Is it Rain Hawkins?”

  “What? Oh, god, no.” She swallowed hard, clearly worried. “It’s a guy in Atlanta.”

  “Somebody from the advertising firm?”

  She looked puzzled, but quickly shook her head. “No. He’s… umm… He’s one of the investors. I’m just so embarrassed about all this. I couldn’t tell you. We were all out and there was alcohol, and, well…”

  “Miss Passionate Romance? You always wanted to be swept away.”

  She laughed, but it seemed more desperate than happy. “This is more like being swept under and out to sea.”

  “So what’s the deal? If he’s an investor, then he’s loaded! Have you told him? Are you getting married?”

  “Um… well, yes and no.”

  “Lexy!”

  She breathed. “Oh, Meg. It’s so complicated. I can’t marry him. I’m just… I’m just going to have the baby and take care of him myself.”

  She looked so stressed, I was hesitant to press her for more details.

  “So it’s a boy?” I asked, hoping to ease her mind.

  She nodded.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. “Do you have enough money?”

  “I’m fine. Money’s not a problem,” she said. “I’ve got plenty of work to do, and Bryant asked me keep going as long as I can through the pregnancy.”

  “Billy’d better be acting right. Why, you’re practically family!”

  “Bill’s… fine.” She studied the table. “He hasn’t said anything.”

  “Well, you tell him if you need anything.” I got up to refill my coffee and tried to think of happier words. “A little boy,” I said. “That’s wonderful! I have so many little boy things. I can give him all of Jack’s little hand-me-downs. Most of it’s barely even worn.”

  “Oh, no,” she said. “That’s too much.”

  “What’s mine is yours! And what about a baby shower? We need to get that going. Have you registered anywhere?”