What If You & Me

by Roni Loren

  Her phone rang in her hand, making her jump, and Hill’s name lit up the screen. She swallowed past the anxiety the comments had sparked and answered the phone, trying to sound upbeat. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” he said, tone clipped. “I got your text. Those comments—”

  “Yeah, I saw,” she said, cutting him off. “I didn’t see the bad ones until after I texted you the link. I’m about to flag them and delete them.”

  “What the hell was that about?” Frustration filled his voice. “Who the fuck thinks it’s okay to say shit like that?”

  “Idiots on the internet,” she said tiredly. “I’m mostly used to it. The Man-Hater guy has been in my comments before but never with a direct threat. He seems personally affronted that I try to help women learn how to protect themselves. I mean, how dare I tell women how to stay safe. The nerve of me.”

  “I guess you’re really getting in the way of his date-rape plans,” Hill said grimly.

  “God, I hope he’s not out there in the world dating actual women,” she said, leaning back in her desk chair and pinching the bridge of her nose, a headache forming. “I’m hoping he’s got all this anger because people sense what a disgusting human he is and no women come near him.”

  “Yeah, but either way, that sounds like a time bomb,” Hill said, tone concerned. “He outright threatened you. Is there any way to report him?”

  “Not really. I mean, I’ll flag the comment, but that just means he’ll pop up again with a new name or when he’s let back on the platform.” Her computer screen went dark, her book disappearing from the screen. “He probably lives in some dank basement far away. If I had to worry about every person who made a creepy comment to me on the internet, I’d literally never leave my house. And I use a pen name so people online can’t just look up the real me.”

  Hill sighed. “I know you’re smart and watch out for yourself, but I still wish I could get some time alone in a room with this guy. Teach him some manners.”

  “The best thing that I can do is continue my podcast,” she said, appreciating Hill’s protective instincts but knowing there was nothing to be done about it. “People like him want me to stop. That’s why they come for me. They want to shut me up.” She smirked. “But I won’t. Instead, I’ll probably put him in my next novel and have him murdered in a really humiliating way. Ooh, maybe I’ll write an internet-troll-hunting vigilante. That actually could fit in the book I’m currently working on.”

  Hill laughed. “I like this evil, vindictive side. I’ll be sure to be on my best behavior so I don’t make it into one of your books.”

  She smiled. “Well, I wrote a love scene this morning, so you’re already serving as great inspiration. But I promise, I won’t murder you in a book—or, you know, in person, man-hater that I am.”

  “A love scene inspired by last night, huh? And how can I preorder this book?” he said in a mock-formal voice. “I need to write this down.”

  She snorted. “No one’s going to be able to preorder it if I don’t get back to writing it, but I promise both characters were very satisfied. Now they have to outrun a crazed killer so they don’t get hacked into little pieces.”

  “Well, at least they had some fun beforehand,” he said genially. “I’ll let you get back to writing. Thanks for sending me the video.”

  “No problem. You got some great comments—and some flirty ones. I better not post where this firefighters’ auction is taking place. I think I’d have to get in line to make a bid on you,” she teased.

  “Don’t even joke. I only want one karaoke partner Saturday night,” he said firmly. “But I didn’t hate watching the video like I thought I would, so thanks for making me do that. It’s given me some things to think about.”

  “Really?” she asked, delighted.

  “Don’t get too excited,” he warned, his voice a low rumble against her ear. “Thinking is different from doing, but it reminded me how much I like being in the kitchen.”

  A warm, sunny feeling moved through her, but if she gushed too much, she’d scare Hill back into his shell. “Noted.”

  She could almost hear him smiling patiently over the phone, like he sensed she was holding back. “Good luck with the writing. We’ll talk soon.”

  She told him goodbye, still grinning, and went back to her book, completely forgetting about the internet threat still sitting on her account.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Hill stood across the street from the police station, the bland edifice familiar, the dread in his stomach new. He used to pop into the station regularly when he and Christina were together because the fire station wasn’t that far from here, but now it seemed like a lifetime ago. He no longer felt welcome in Christina’s world. However, he wasn’t going to let his sour feelings for his ex stop him from doing what he’d come here to do.

  Ever since the call with Andi the day before, Hill had been filled with unease. He’d watched the comments on his and Andi’s video blow up. Andi’s followers had jumped to her defense, aiming vitriol at the trolls, but there had also been more comments from the offenders and new ugly ones added to the mix. Hill couldn’t get over how disgusting the comments had gotten. Why were these guys so angry? By late afternoon, the comments had been removed, but he’d taken screenshots of everything he could beforehand.

  Andi seemed to be able to shake off what had been said. But he couldn’t. In no world should a woman—or anyone for that matter—be expected to accept that people could threaten them and suffer no consequences.

  Hill checked to make sure no traffic was coming and then made his way across the busy street. The minute he opened the door to the station, he was greeted with the sound of ringing phones and the stale smell of burnt coffee. His relationship had changed but the station hadn’t. It was like walking back into a former version of his life. He headed toward the main desk, where Officer Bernice Winters was searching through a stack of papers, an annoyed look on her face.

  “Hey, Bernie,” Hill said, trying for casual, like he still came in here all the time.

  Bernie looked up, her glasses sliding down her nose, and then a smile broke out, making her brown skin glow. “Hey, yourself, stranger.” She stood and braced her elbows on the high counter, giving him an up-and-down look. “Lookin’ good, Dawson. You lost weight.”

  He snorted. “Yeah, half a leg’s worth.”

  “Ha,” she said with a grin. “Pretty extreme diet plan. I’m just trying to give up carbs.” She drew a circle around her chin. “I like the beard, too. Suits you.”

  “Thanks,” he said, meaning it. The last time Bernice had seen him, he’d been laid up at home, recovering. “You’re stunning as always.”

  “I know.” She slicked a hand back over her gray hair, which she always wore in a low bun. “It’s a burden.”

  The tight knot between Hill’s shoulder blades eased a little. Just because he and Christina weren’t together anymore didn’t mean the old friends he’d made here would treat him any differently. He needed to stop avoiding all the Before people like he’d done something wrong.

  “So, what can I help you with?” Bernie asked.

  He glanced toward the door that led to the main part of the station. “Is Christina here?”

  Her eyebrows arched ever so slightly. “Yeah, she’s in the back. Let me see if she’s free.” She picked up the phone, and after a moment of murmured conversation, turned back to Hill and hung up the phone. “You can go on back.”

  “Thanks, Bernie.”

  “Y’all play nice,” she said.

  “Of course.” Hill took a breath and headed through the door and toward the little office Christina used when she wasn’t out on her beat.

  She was waiting for him, leaning against the doorjamb when he turned the corner of the hallway, arms crossed, expression unreadable.

  He cleared his throat when he reache
d her, and she didn’t step aside to let him into the office. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” she said with a brief nod. “What’s up?”

  Her expression was cool, which wasn’t surprising, and his instinct was to react in kind, but he was suddenly tired of fighting with her—of being angry. It took so much goddamned energy to hold a grudge. He could feel it eating away at him, a cancer that grew each time he fed it.

  Yes, she’d cheated. Yes, she’d left him for his best friend. There was no excuse for what she’d done. But would he have been better off if she had stuffed down the fact that she wasn’t attracted to him anymore and stayed? Would that have done either of them any good? He wished she’d broken it off without the lying, but the end result would be the same.

  “I was hoping I could get your help on something,” he said, keeping his tone even.

  “My help,” she said flatly.

  He sighed. “And maybe that we could talk.”

  Her eyes narrowed like she was gauging from what angle he was going to verbally attack her, but whatever she saw had her stepping back and letting him into her office. “Come on in.”

  Christina shut the door and then slid into the spot behind the desk. As she sat, he noticed the slight roundness of her belly starting to show. The sight was weird—Christina pregnant. He’d imagined that a few times after they’d gotten engaged. That belly had been part of the future he’d pictured for himself, but now he realized he had no wistful feelings about that loss. This wasn’t the person he was supposed to be with.

  She clasped her hands together, leaning onto her elbows, and giving him the cop stare—the look that said Start talking.

  Hill had come in for one reason but now realized he had something else to take care of before that. He rubbed his palms on his jeans. “First, I want to say I’m sorry.”

  Her brows shot up. “You’re sorry.”

  “Yeah. Just because our relationship ended how it did doesn’t give me the right to be an asshole to you indefinitely,” he went on. “I’m going to stop doing that.”

  She blinked, obviously caught off guard. “Oh.”

  He hurried on, afraid he’d lose the nerve. “I realize now that while I was dealing with my injuries and the trauma, you were dealing with your own loss and trauma. You signed up to marry a healthy, active firefighter, and suddenly, you were having to be a caretaker of an angry guy with a disability. You went to someone else for comfort. I wasn’t there to give you that.”

  Christina looked down at her hands. “Hill…”

  “I just want you to know that I wish you the best. Truly,” he said, realizing he meant it. “I hope you and Josh and the baby have a happy life.”

  Christina’s gaze jumped to his, her eyes shiny—a rarity since Chris wasn’t a crier. “Thank you.” Tears slipped out and she swiped at them hurriedly. “Ugh. Fucking hormones. I’m crying over everything lately.”

  He laughed softly.

  “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry, too,” she said, frowning. “For all of it. I know it’s hard to believe, but I didn’t do any of it to hurt you. I went about things in the most horrible way. I was lonely and upset and scared. But I’d known for a while—even before the accident—that I was drawn to Josh in a way that wasn’t just friendly, that was different from anything else I’d ever experienced.”

  Hill stiffened. “What?”

  She turned the engagement ring on her finger round and round, her face pensive as she stared at it. “I never acted on anything until after the accident, but I had already been thinking about canceling the wedding to pursue something with Josh. I’d talked about it with him.” She looked up. “But then after the fire…”

  The news that she’d already wanted to leave him before the accident had his brain spinning, pieces he’d thought he had in place repositioning themselves into a different picture. “You would’ve looked like a real dick bailing on me.”

  She bit her lips together and nodded. “I ended up being worse. I should’ve been upfront with you from the start. I’m sorry I wasn’t.”

  Hill didn’t know what to think. She hadn’t left him because of his injury or the burden it had brought into the relationship. She’d left him because…she’d been drawn more to someone else. “Wow. I guess I was more blind than I thought.”

  She gave him a sympathetic look. “Not blind. Hopeful,” she said. “I think you were so determined to have an idyllic relationship like your aunt and uncle and prove you weren’t going to be like your dad that you shoehorned us into something more storybook than it was. We enjoyed each other, but looking back, I realize now that we were never in love, not the kind of love that would survive a lifetime. It was just new love. The first time we were with someone who wasn’t a casual date, so it felt more important. But when push came to shove, neither of us were willing to fight to be together. We both gave up on each other when adversity hit.”

  Hill stared at her, absorbing her words, and then ran a hand over the back of his head. He hated the picture she was painting, him forcing their relationship into something it wasn’t, but the truth of it rang through him. Hadn’t he always done that? Tried to create the storybook? Even his chosen profession had been the classic hero role. No one would question the heart of a firefighter. He’d done everything he could to wash off the dirty shadow of his father.

  “Fucking hell,” he murmured.

  Chris gave him a little smile. “I won’t take credit fully for that insight. It’s taken months of therapy to understand why I did what I did.”

  Hill made a wry sound in the back of his throat. “When each relationship ends, a therapist gets their wings.”

  “Right? But I’m glad you came here today and we talked this out,” she said, expression more relaxed than he’d seen her in years. “I hate how things have been between us. I honestly wish the best for you, too.”

  “Thanks.” He leaned forward in his chair. “Which means you’re going to be happy to help me with why I came here today, right?”

  She gave him a no-promises look. “Depends on the request. What’ve you got?”

  “Are you still studying cybercrime stuff?” he asked, hoping Christina hadn’t given up on her interest in eventually applying to the FBI to investigate cybercrime.

  Her expression shifted into business mode immediately. “Yeah. Why?”

  “I’m not sure if there’s anything to do about it, but I wanted to give it a shot.” Hill pulled a few folded sheets of paper out of his pocket and placed them on her desk. “My neighbor, Andi, the one you met.”

  “The girl who thought someone broke in?” she asked, reaching for the papers.

  Hill grimaced. “Can you please stop calling her a girl? She’s a grown woman. Only a few years younger than us.”

  Christina glanced up, amused. “Oh, so you’re sleeping with her.”

  “Chris…” he warned.

  She lifted a palm, still smiling. “No judgment. I’m glad to see you putting yourself back out there. So what’s going on?”

  Christina started to unfold the pages.

  “Andi’s a writer and a podcaster, so she posts content online as part of her job. She runs a true crime podcast called What Can We Learn from This?”

  Her attention snapped upward. “Wait, I know that podcast. I’ve listened to it. It’s good.”

  “Well, that’s Andi’s podcast and today, when she put up a video, she got some threatening comments.” He pointed at the papers. “Those are screenshots.”

  She peered at the papers, lines bracketing her mouth as she read through the comments. “Jesus. What was in the video?”

  “It was a video of me teaching her how to cook something. She wanted to do it for fun bonus content,” he explained. “But then these assholes jumped into her comments, threatening her. Andi said she’s used to it and that there isn’t really anything to do about it, b
ut I wanted to bring it to you in case there is.”

  Christina’s frown deepened. “Unfortunately, she’s mostly right. At least, legally speaking, but maybe…”

  “Maybe what?” he asked, leaning his forearms onto his thighs.

  She swiveled her chair toward the computer on her right. “I know a few tricks. I might be able to search some of these screen names, see if I can cross-reference them on other sites and figure out who these guys are. At the very least, if we can figure out where they live, she can rest easy knowing they aren’t local.”

  “Local.” The thought made his stomach flip over. “Let’s hope to God that isn’t the case.”

  “I highly doubt it,” she said. “Most trolls never come out of the dark. They like wielding power on the internet because that’s all they’ve got. But let me do some poking around, and I’ll see what I can find.”

  “Really?”

  She shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I mean, it will be unofficially. It’s not police business. But no one should have to put up with that kind of abuse, especially when all Andi’s trying to do is help women keep themselves safe.”

  He reached out and put his hand over hers. “Thanks, Chris.”

  She smiled and pressed her other hand over his. “She seems like a really interesting gi—woman. I wouldn’t have predicted you’d go for someone who writes horror novels and looks like she could be in a punk band, but I’m glad you found someone who’s helping you get back to your old self.”

  He slipped his hand from between hers. “My old self?”

  She nodded, gaze going serious. “Yeah, the guy who doesn’t hide himself away and let the world go by. The guy who doesn’t cut off all his old friends. The guy who was good at being the hero.”

  His jaw flexed. “Andi doesn’t need a hero.”