by Ginger Scott
The weekend before his birthday gave me plenty of planning time. Reed’s game was in Colorado, so I wouldn’t get to see him until the team got back into town. I was spending my Saturday with Sienna for the first time in months. Always up for planning surprises, she was excited when I asked her to join me for a little shopping spree. I needed to get some picnic gear, just enough to make things romantic. I’d borrowed the camping equipment from Buck the weekend before and stashed it in my gigantic trunk.
Sienna and I were cruising the various aisles of Target and almost had everything on my list when we stopped in front of the baby supplies. I froze. I hadn’t thought about it in weeks, but with that small flash of pinks and blues, it all came rushing back to me, and I went catatonic.
“Nolan, are you okay?” I felt Sienna’s arm reaching around me, snapping me back.
“Oh, uh…yeah. I’m okay,” I looked back at the soft quilt hanging from a display and the various piles of baby toys and onesies. Everything around me was so small, so tiny, so precious. I couldn’t seem to come to grips with how quickly something could be here and then be gone. It all happened in an instant.
“Do you think I’ll ever have kids?” I asked, swallowing hard and looking up into Sienna’s eyes. It was the first time I’d said this out loud. I knew I wasn’t ready now, and I felt so guilty that I was relieved when I’d lost the baby. Our baby. Reed’s baby. But I was also terrified that I’d never get another chance. That this was it for me.
Sienna just squeezed me harder and pulled me into a full hug. “Nolan, of course you will have kids. What happened is something that happens all of the time, to a lot of women,” she was stepping back now, holding my hand a little and looking at me curiously. “Have you talked to anyone? I mean, you know I think you still need to talk to Reed, but you might also want to talk things out with someone else, someone who can help you put what happened behind you.”
I just bit my lip a bit and nodded. I knew she was right, but I also knew I wouldn’t talk to anyone. If I had my way, I’d erase what happened from Sienna and Sarah’s memories, too. And even better, I’d erase it from my own.
I dropped Sienna off at her apartment after lunch and was heading back to my parking lot when I heard my phone beep. Still paranoid about reaching for my phone while I was on the road, I pulled over into a Starbucks and dug through my purse. It was a text from Gavin.
Hey, the dingle twins managed to line up our last three tests today. If you can make it, we should be able to knock everything out and put together the final findings and report – and be done with those jackasses forever! Let me know if you’re in – we’ll meet at the library at 2. –G
The thought of finishing my nightmare psychology project was inviting. I knew it would be a long day, but Reed was going to be gone until late Sunday, so I thought I might as well make the best use out of my time and get the dingle twins out of my way.
I’m in. I’m at Starbucks, want anything?
I waited for a few seconds to see if Gavin had an order. He wrote back quickly.
Chai. Thx.
I grabbed a strong coffee for me, and a chai, and made my way to the library. I probably should have offered to get something for the dingles, too, but I was pretty sure Gavin wasn’t with them yet. He and I both tried to limit our time alone with those two.
I could hear them as soon as I walked into the study room. It was a weekend, so thankfully we were the only group in that part of the library; otherwise, I’m sure those two would get us kicked out. Their real names were Steven and Cory, but I just couldn’t get myself to even think of them as anything other than our nickname for them.
“Hey, what? No love for me, Sugar?” Cory said, reaching his arm around me like we were buds. I just smirked at him, annoyed, and he quickly took his arm from my shoulder. “Sorry, no touching. Got it.”
I handed Gavin his chai and then tossed my backpack to the floor and took a spot at the end of the table. Gavin dove right into work mode, and I was grateful. He assigned Steven and Cory specific jobs—ones even they could handle—and we set up the three rooms for testing. Our subjects arrived within the hour, and we were done with all testing by 4 p.m.
When it came to compiling results, I was the master. I had our main spreadsheet organized within minutes, and Gavin was fetching copies from the printer for us to evaluate as a group.
“I don’t know, these people look like a bunch of dummies,” Cory said, leaning back and plopping his feet up on the table. His attitude must have annoyed Gavin, because he flung his feet back to the floor without even lifting his gaze to look at Cory.
“There are two dummies here, and they aren’t on this spreadsheet,” Gavin said, chewing on his pen cap and refusing to make eye contact with them. His nonchalant insult made me snort-laugh a little.
“Hey, man. That’s not nice,” Cory said, tossing his pen at Gavin who only looked up at him briefly and then went right back to work.
“So Nolan, what’s your deal?” Cory was moving on to me now that he’d worn out his welcome with Gavin.
“Sorry, not sure what you mean,” I said, taking Gavin’s lead and not looking up to engage him.
I felt him shift in his seat and lean forward to put his elbows on his knees. Steven was joining him now, too. “I mean, you’re like totally committed to your boyfriend and shit, right?” He was smirking at me, and I didn’t like it.
“Yes, I’m like totally committed to my boyfriend, and shit,” I said, still not engaging, but becoming more and more pissed off.
“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it. Settle down, settle down,” he was chuckling.
“What a cocky asshole,” I thought.
“I was just thinking…you probably haven’t partied much. Or done anything really college experienced, or nothing.”
“I’m pretty happy. Besides, I don’t have a lot of time to party…when I’m carrying two losers on my academic shoulders,” I said, tapping my pen on their unfinished report pages.
Despite Cory’s inability to launch a sentence, he was right. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction now, but his words did have some truth to them. I noticed Gavin studying me, too, and I could feel the intensity of it without even looking. I just forged on with my work, and the room stayed silent for several minutes. Gavin finally broke it.
“We should give you a college experience,” he said. I snapped my eyes up to meet his, not sure where this was going but pretty sure I didn’t want to experience anything with these three. Gavin must have sensed my fear, because he started chuckling and backtracking a bit.
“No, no. That’s not what I meant. God no,” he laughed. “I mean, we’ve been working our asses off on this project…or at least some of us have. Anyhow, we should celebrate when we’re done tonight. Let’s hit a club or something. I’ve got a buddy who’s playing on Mill. I bet you’d like his stuff. We could just kick back, dance, shoot some pool, down some beers. Whataya say?”
It was clear the dingles were game, but I knew that the only person Gavin was really asking was me. Most of me was repelling the idea of going out tonight. But then there was also that small part of me—the part that craved to live just a little—that was fighting to say yes. It was a harmless night out. And Reed would be gone. Before I could talk myself back out of it, I just smiled and nodded.
“Okay, why not,” I said, throwing my pen down and standing to head to the restroom.
When I walked into the ladies room, I headed right to the sink and mirror, splashing a little water on my face and looking at myself, my hair knotted atop my head and a pencil holding it in place. I pulled the pencil down and let my hair fall to my shoulders, shaking it out in sexy waves. I hadn’t thought about how I looked in months. And even though it wasn’t for Reed, it was nice to think about being pretty for someone.
We didn’t get everything printed, bound and labeled until 8 p.m. By this time, I was usually heading over to Sienna’s or Sarah’s to crash on their sofa and watch whatever stupid mo
vie or TV show I’d talked them into recording for me. I had gone to clubs, but they had all been in Tucson, and I was always with Reed. I was a little nervous about getting in without an ID, but Gavin told me not to worry. He knew a lot of the people at the place we were going and was pretty sure I could pass by unnoticed. I just hoped I could fit in with the clubbing crowd.
My wardrobe hadn’t changed much over the last two years. I hadn’t really thought about that until now, but looking at my sparse closet and shoe selection had me a bit embarrassed. The guys had all headed to their various rooms, and we all planned to meet downstairs before heading out. I decided to keep it simple and put my red heels on with a pair of jeans and a tight black tank top. I left my hair down and made up for the boring outfit with some heavy eye shadow and lipstick. I gave myself a once over, took a deep breath, stuffed my keys and phone in my small handbag and headed out the door.
I took the elevator down, nervous about walking in these shoes and running into Gavin on my way. I pulled my phone out briefly and thought about sending Reed a text but decided I would just talk to him in the morning. I knew he didn’t really like Gavin, but I thought the fact that I was out with a group might assuage his concern a little.
“Daaaaaaamn, girl!” Steven said as I rounded the corner by the front desk and met up with him and Cory. “Your man know you’re going out looking like that?”
I blushed a little at the attention. As much as I thought Steven and Cory were idiots, I also had to acknowledge their attractiveness. They were both in the same fraternity and spent far more hours in the gym and by the pool than in class. Brown hair, dark skin, tall and lean—they were made for recruitment posters and college calendars. They also got around the sororities quite a bit. I had yet to see them with the same girls twice and was pretty sure they shared their women often, too. As much as I wanted to experience a little taste of college freedom, I was confident I never wanted to be that wild.
“Gav, hurry up man, let’s get goin’!” Cory shouted over my shoulder. I turned to see Gavin walking toward me, his eyes intent on my face. As he got closer, he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down, almost embarrassed that I’d caught him staring.
“Sorry, had to find a clean shirt,” he looked up again, chewing the inside of his cheek and winking at me. He held out his elbow for me to take, and I hesitated. Not wanting to offend him, I reached through his arm and let him walk me through the door and along the walkway outside. When the twins were far enough in front of us, he leaned in and whispered in my ear.
“You look…really nice,” I heard his gulp.
I let go of his arm after that and wiped my sweaty palms on the sides of my jeans. I needed to be careful. I didn’t want to give Gavin the wrong impression, and I didn’t want to forget what mattered to me, either.
Gavin was right. We got into the club without any trouble. The crowds were still filtering in slowly, and the band hadn’t started to play yet. To kill time, Gavin ordered a pitcher of beer and challenged me to a few rounds of pool. The twins were sitting along the bar working on a group of freshmen girls who looked star struck by them. I just rolled my eyes, embarrassed by my gender.
“Okay, how about we play some nine-ball? Do you want me to teach you how to play?” Gavin asked, assuming. I was going to play along with this, and it would be fun.
“Sounds fun. Okay,” I said, grabbing a stick from the wall and standing at the head of the table while he racked the balls.
The dingle twins and their female fans had moved over to the stools by the poolroom and were watching now. It was funny to see the girls react to their new eye candy. While the dingles were good-looking boys, Gavin was downright sexy. He was wearing a tight black shirt that accentuated his toned chest and abs and the scrolling artwork on each of his arms. He paired it with his usual faded jeans and black Converse shoes. He also wasn’t wearing his usual black-rimmed glasses, which made the blue of his eyes stand out even more than normal.
“Okay, I’ll break and show you how it’s done,” he said, moving me to the side to watch. I bit my tongue a little to force down the giggle of superiority that was dying to escape me. I’d been playing pool since I was 4; my grandpa was what you’d call a shark, and he had taught me well. When I was little, he would set me up on a chair so I could reach the center of the table, and after 16 years of play on his professional table at home, I was pretty threatening with a cue.
Gavin broke well and explained the basics of the game to me while we circled the table. Nine-ball isn’t hard. It’s just a game of counting, really. You shoot the balls in numerical order. The trick is planning out your shots in advance so you’re never left in a corner. I watched as Gavin took his next shot and knew he wasn’t going to be much competition. To make things interesting, I decided to play up my novice skills for a little longer, missing my first several shots and sighing in frustration.
“You’re doing great; it’s okay, you’ll get it. I’ve been playing for a while, so that’s why I’m so good,” he said, his eyes crinkling with his confident smile. I almost felt bad. Almost. I was still going in for the kill.
“I think I just need a goal. I’m good with goals,” I said as I pulled the balls from our practice game out of the pockets, and rolled them in the center to rack them.
“Okay,” Gavin said, scrunching his brow and not really following me.
“Sorry, I’m not making much sense. I’m just a competitive person by nature, so I’m thinking if there’s something I can win, maybe I’ll play harder,” I squinted my eyes and looked around the room a bit, pretending, as I knew full well what I was about to propose. “Ah, how about this. If I can win just one game…but only one,” I was playing up my desperation some, “you and the dingles here have to wear my red lipstick out on the dance floor.”
“Haaaaaaaaa,” Cory laughed, completely taken by my acting skills. “That’s funny. You’re so on. There’s no way you’re winning.”
Gavin leaned into the bar and had a pensive look, not as convinced by my performance. He was chewing on his bottom lip for a few seconds, considering, and finally spoke up. “Okay, but what if I shut you out?” He wasn’t as trusting as the dingles, smart man.
We stood there in a staring contest for a few seconds, considering each other’s bluffs. I was starting to think that maybe Gavin had been holding back a little, too, when he chimed in with his idea.
“If I shut you out, you have to kiss each of us on the cheek, with the red lipstick, leaving your mark behind—so that way everyone here tonight will know you lost a bet,” he said. He smiled with tight lips, laying down all his cards. He was definitely holding back. But I was still pretty sure I could surprise him. My grandpa had won thousands at the tables and had trophies named for him in Vegas. I’d been taught by the best, and I was about to put all of my faith in those skills.
I reached out my hand to shake Gavin’s, and the bet was sealed. “You’re on,” I said, sliding the balls into the rack with flair, just to show the boys a hint of my skills.
“Fuuuuuck,” I heard Steven whisper to Cory. It made me giggle.
I leaned my weight to one side and posted my cue on the floor, grabbing my glass of beer with my free hand and taking a big chug just for effect. I was getting better at holding my liquor. “You wanna break first or do you just want me to run the table right now and win the bet,” I smiled and winked, just as Gavin had done minutes before.
He just laughed at my boldness and waved me through. “By all means. Show me what you’ve got,” he said, sliding into one of the stools by the dingle twins and their harem.
It had been a few months since I’d played, but I wasn’t very rusty. I broke and sunk the one ball right away. Two, three, four and five went soon after. I strutted around the table with a cocky swagger just to show off my new confidence, and then polished off the rest of the balls in a matter of minutes. Just to be a bit of an asshole, I tilted my stick sideways when I was done and blew the chalk off the tip. Gavin just
nodded, smiled and looked down before reaching out to shake my hand again.
“Well played,” he said. “I knew you were holding back. I didn’t think you’d be that good, but I knew you were playing me.”
“Why’d you take the bet then?” I asked, feeling a little guilty for flaying him in front of everyone now.
He just turned to look at the stunned dingle twins and then looked back at me. “Wearing lipstick for the next 30 minutes out there on that floor is worth every ounce of embarrassment knowing these jack-offs have to, too,” he laughed.
I smiled and took another drink of my beer. I was having an amazing time. I felt freedom I hadn’t felt in weeks, and the weight of my secret was temporarily lifted. “Play again?” I asked.
“Damn straight,” he said, racking the balls. I let him break this time, and as I had suspected, he was better than he’d let on. I was still the stronger player, but he was good. And we competed for the next 30 minutes until the band started playing and we all headed to the dance floor.
The boys were all good sports, proudly wearing their red lips until the shiny makeup wore from their faces. The dingle twins were able to wear theirs off quickly by making out with a few various women at the club. Gavin’s took a little longer, and after 30 minutes, I felt guilty and handed him a napkin to wipe the remaining color away.
I wasn’t sure how many beers I had drunk, but I was working on a nice buzz when the main band started playing and the floor became crowded with moving and gyrating bodies. The band was amazing, somewhere between hard rock and alternative pop. They played a few cover songs that I loved and a few songs of their own that surprised me.
I was in my own world, dancing with my arms over my head and my hips swaying, when a strange guy reached around my stomach and pulled me into him. I turned to face him and put my hands up against his chest to push him away, get some distance. But he quickly pulled me close again. I was starting to panic a little when I saw Gavin’s tattooed arm reach in between us, and heard him say, “Sorry, man. She’s taken.”