by Ginger Scott
She looked up and took in a deep breath, wrapping her arms around her stomach again like she was forcing herself not to be sick. When she looked back down at me, she just shrugged. “I don’t really know. It just sort of happened…” she was soft, full of shame.
I turned to look away from her for a bit, just to reset my thoughts, and put my hands on my head. “Nolan, how does something like that just sort of happen? Was it…a small kiss?” I was turning to look at her again with hope that it was something innocent, but when her body started convulsing again, I knew there was nothing innocent about what had happened between her and Gavin.
Shaking my head, I started backing away from her slowly. “Noles, I don’t think I want to hear anymore. I…I just can’t,” I was cold now. I didn’t want her following me, but I didn’t want to be mean. And I knew if I heard anything else she had to say, I was going to be. I was at the main floor and was reaching to pull the door to leave when she caught up to me one last time, her hand on my shoulder just breaking me all over again.
“Reed, please!” she pleaded.
I turned to look at her, so damn close to me. Not thinking, I just reached up to grab both sides of her face and kissed her hard, willing myself to erase the pain. But the more I kissed her, the more her body shook, and the more I thought about her lips on Gavin’s, and how she actually wanted them there. I pulled away quickly and pushed her back gently. I scrunched my brow a bit, thinking, and finally found the courage to ask.
“Are you…into him?” I was afraid of her response. And when she didn’t give me one immediately, I stumbled off balance a bit again, hit in the face with an entirely new devastating fact.
“No, I’m not…I just…I don’t know how it all got to this…oh god,” she was covering her mouth again and squeezing her eyes shut.
I just reached for her wrists to take them in my hands and pull them to my lips so I could kiss them softly. “I have to go,” I said, my heart broken as I turned away from her.
“What do you mean? Are you coming back? Are we…okay?” she was blubbering now.
I just shrugged my shoulders a bit at her words. “I don’t know. I don’t think so,” I said as I let the door fall shut behind me.
Reed
I don’t know how I got home. I don’t remember a thing about the drive. I know I thought about stopping at my pop’s house, talking it out with him. But honestly the thought of telling my dad about what Nolan did just ripped through me almost as much as the act itself, so I kept driving.
Somehow, I had made it back to my dorm room. It was early still, the sun barely setting. Normally, I’d be bringing Noles home from dinner, distracting her from homework, wrapping strands of her hair around my fingers and blowing on her neck while she tried to read or concentrate. But instead, I was laying flat on my back, staring up at my dorm room ceiling, miserable and alone.
I held the box with my grandmother’s ring in it for two hours, flipping it open and then shut. Finally sick of flipping back and forth between what I had wanted a day ago and what I was faced with now, I just set it there on my chest, open and taunting me. Part of me registered the sound of my door, but I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone anymore until Trig broke into my numb silence.
“Woah, damn…is that what I think it is?” he said, reaching for the box on my chest. Reacting, I flipped it closed and pocketed it before he got too close.
“It’s nothing,” I said, sitting up and rubbing my hand through my hair to try to hide the wallowing that clearly had been done over the last hour.
“Oooookay then. You hungry or something? Didn’t you eat with Nolan? You know you turn into a bitch when you don’t eat,” Trig was trying to be funny, but I wasn’t in the mood.
“I’m not hungry,” I said, standing and sliding on a gray beanie and then a sweatshirt. I started pacing around the room on a hunt for my shoes.
“Dude, you a’right man?” Trig asked. I locked eyes with him for a minute, and then continued looking for my shoes.
“I can’t find my fucking shoes. Do you know where they are?” I was short.
“Uh, no. I’m not your fucking shoe keeper,” Trig shot back, calling me out a little on my attitude. I just sighed and sat back on the edge of my bed, holding my forehead in my hands and rubbing my temples.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick. I’ve just had a shit day,” I said, holding a little back, and unsure if I wanted to get into it with Trig.
“Aw, what happened man, lovebirds fighting?” he said with a chuckle. He was trying to lighten my mood, but he had no idea how dead right he was. I just rubbed my hands on my face and finally stopped, holding my head in my hands and shrugged. Trig got it right away. “Ah shit, man. I’m sorry. Wanna…talk about it?”
He was uncomfortable. So was I. And I wasn’t ready to talk yet. I finally spotted the laces of one of my shoes under Trig’s bed and stood up to grab them. “No talking. I wanna go to the bar. I’m buying, you in?”
“Fuck yeah,” he said, grabbing his keys and jacket. “We’ve got late practice tomorrow. Let’s go.”
I was about four beers in at Cooler’s before I felt like opening up about things to Trig. Even then, it took him asking again about the ring he’d seen for me to start talking.
“So seriously, man, was that an engagement ring I saw you flashing around? Is that what happened? Oh…wait! Did you ask, and she said no?” he was making up his own story now.
“No, jack off. That’s not what happened,” I said, taking a big drink and finishing the rest of my beer. I pushed the mug to the side, tapping the top of it to let the bartender know I wanted another. Rubbing my eyes a little and scrunching my brow, I finally started to fill Trig in. I told him about the conversation I’d heard, and how Gavin actually had the nerve to come back up to her room.
Trig was ready to drive back up to ASU to beat his ass with me, but I just bought him another beer and told him to sit his ass down. “Thing is, man…she kissed him back,” I said, pushing my lips tight, gritting my teeth and staring at the edge of the bar in front of me. That was the part that was killing me most. “I wish I could fix this by just taking it out on that asshole, believe me. But I can’t. Something’s wrong. It’s been wrong for a while, and fuck, man? She kissed him back…”
I shook my head more and started on my fifth beer. My stomach was rolling over with hunger, so Trig and I ordered some nachos and got comfortable for the night. We were going to be here for a while.
“Sorry man,” he said, just shaking his head. “I never saw this coming. I mean, I know I give you shit about long distance relationships and all, but that’s only because I never thought you’d really have to worry about it. Hell, my girl is here with me, and I almost fuck things up on a weekly basis!”
I laughed a little at him. Trig was a good friend, and I was lucky I’d found him. But I knew he wouldn’t be able to help. I was pretty sure no one could, and definitely not tonight. No, tonight was about me drowning my thoughts, throwing a huge-ass pity party, and finding a way to quit being so damned angry with Nolan. A little stupid from drinking, but still in control of my actions, I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent my best friend Sean a text. He was used to these, and he was my bro. Had been since high school. He would know what I should do next.
Hey man. Nolan cheeeted on me – need 2talk2u. don’t freakout. i didn’t do anything stupid. Drunk tho. Really fucking drunk!!!!!!
I pocketed my phone and went back to my beer. I was sipping on it like a fucking baby, when two giggling blondes bumped into me, one of them grabbing onto my arm to catch her balance.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” she giggled more. She was flirting, and it was obvious.
“No problem,” I said, turning my face back to my beer and trying to ignore Trig’s elbow into my side, telling me I should fix my problems by making bigger ones.
“Hey, my friend and I are trying to find a way home. You guys have a car?” she was leaning over into me now, pushing her bre
asts against my arms, and making them impossible to ignore. And I was looking…seriously looking.
I turned to Trig for a few seconds, chewing on the inside of my cheek, my mind sorting through all of the possibilities.
If not this one, then there would be another, and then another.
Taking things into his own hands, Trig just smiled at me and held my stare while talking to the girls. “We walked, ladies, but we’d be happy to walk you home, make sure you get there safely,” he said, holding out his arm to take one of them, and willing me to do the same—daring me.
I downed the rest of my beer, still staring at him, and then threw a wad of cash on the bar and turned around to smile at my distraction. “Sure, let’s go ladies,” I said, smiling at her from the side of my mouth and letting my heavy eyes focus only on her. She snuggled in closely when I did that. Her skin smelled like peaches, and her long waves of hair tickled my bicep.
I’m not going to lie, it had me thinking about what she looked like under that short-ass dress. Maybe I’d been missing out?
Trig and I walked the girls two blocks in the opposite direction of our dorm, and my head was swimming the entire time. I was either going to say goodnight, and head home to pass out—or fight through the dizziness, and make myself feel better by making a decision I’d probably regret in the morning, but would feel so damn good right now.
The girls talked and giggled the entire way to their place, but I couldn’t tell you a damn word they said. When we got to the steps up to their apartment, Trig hung with me for a few seconds, walking them all the way up to the door. But when they invited us in, he just held up his phone and said, “I got things, but my boy will stick around.” He winked at me and skipped down the steps.
Drunk, I followed them inside. The blond that had been walking with Trig just smiled at her friend and said she was going to take a shower, leaving us alone in their living room. Everything looked fuzzy, and I felt enormous in their frilly, girly apartment. I wasn’t sure what I was doing here, but I wasn’t ready to leave yet either. I pulled my hat from my head and shoved it in my back pocket, pulling my sweatshirt up and tossing it on her couch.
“You want anything to drink?” she said, kicking her high heels from her feet and sliding to her kitchen.
I just stared around at my new surroundings, still debating with myself and fighting my instincts. “Nah, I’m good. I should…” I was about to say go when she came back out to the living room, her dress now hanging around her hips and her black bra exposing everything I had been dying to get a better look at.
She walked right up to me and held on to my arm while she pulled her dress the rest of the way down. My mind wandered, “Shit. She was fucking hot!” Her black panties left very little to the imagination, and I was really fighting the urge to just throw her over my shoulder and carry her into her bedroom. Everything started happening in slow motion, and I was pretty sure I was making the dumbest face, my mouth wide open and panting like a dog. My eyes were so heavy, my mind was racing minutes ahead, imagining running my hands over her body and taking off the last bits of clothing she had on. It was all right there, waiting for me.
She stood to her tiptoes and pulled on the collar of my T-shirt to reach her lips up to my face. I let my eyes fall shut for a second, and then her teeth were tugging on my bottom lip. The shock of it knocked me off balance, and I took a step back, my eyes shooting open in an instant.
Fuck! What was I doing?
“I’m sorry, I…I have to go,” I said, grabbing my sweatshirt and turning from her before I changed my mind. Feeling a little guilty, I stopped at her door before opening it. “I’m sorry. This isn’t how I am…You’re a really pretty girl.”
I couldn’t get myself to fully look at her face, but from the periphery, I knew she was embarrassed, and I felt bad. But somehow, I stopped myself from doing something really stupid.
By the time I finally woke up Friday, I only had a few hours to spare before Trig and I had to get ready for practice. He must have come to a lot earlier than I did, because he stuck a Post-It on my forehead telling me he took off to the main hall for food and would just catch me at practice.
The entire last 24 hours felt like a damned nightmare. If it weren’t for my god-awful raging headache, and the fact that the stupid ring was sitting on my night table staring at me, I might have been able to convince myself I’d dreamt it all.
After guzzling from the gallon of water we kept cold in our mini fridge, I forced myself to dig my phone out from my pocket. And there it was, staring at me—an undoubtedly minutes-long voicemail from Nolan. That stupid flashing green light was giving me the middle finger, over and over again. I’d listen to it, but not now. “Maybe after practice,” I thought. Instead, I slid open the text from Sean.
First of all, dude, you can’t just drop something like that on me without more to go on. WTF? Second, I’m around all day. Just waiting on Becky to finish a midterm and hanging out around the apartment all morning. Call me when you’re done lovin’ on the toilet ; - )
I missed Sean. He was, in so many ways, the brother I wished I had. Everything about him was good. When I decided to grow up, I told myself I would try to be more like Sean. I always thought it was a damned miracle Noles picked me over him in high school. And an even bigger miracle that he didn’t fucking hate me for it, too.
It was almost 2 p.m., and I was pretty sure he’d be gone, but I gave him a try anyhow. I was about to hang up and just shoot him a text when I heard him answer, breathless.
“Yo, what’s up man?” he asked, still breathing hard.
“Hey, sorry. I was a little late getting started today. Did I…interrupt something?” I teased him. He and Becky were living together, and I’d caught him more than once trying to talk to me while Becky was distracting him.
“No, dumb ass. I was just lifting weights out on the balcony. Not all of us get personal trainers and shit to keep up our workouts,” he gave it right back to me.
We bantered back and forth for a few minutes on nothing important, and then finally settled into the serious stuff. I brought Sean up to speed, and then sat there silent while he thought about things and got over the shock of it all. I knew it would hit Sean pretty hard, too—one, because he was truly a brother to me; and two, because he loved Nolan almost as much as I did.
“Okay, so let me just ask you this…what is it you really want?” he started.
I thought about it for a few seconds, not really sure how to answer that question.
“What do you mean? Like, do I wish I could go back to that hour before I drove to her campus, and didn’t know she kissed that asshole? Yes. Or better yet, do I want to go back even more, before she kissed him at all, and just show up magically and stop it all? Yes. But that’s stupid…and I feel like,” I swallowed, knowing what I was about to say rung a little with truth. “I feel like maybe it would have just happened at some point anyway. Like I would have just been putting it off, the inevitable, know what I mean?”
Sean just sighed. I could almost see him nodding through the phone.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” I said quietly.
“Reed, I don’t know. But I think maybe this kiss is just the tip of your problems,” he was laying it out straight. “But…and I mean this…I don’t think you’re ready to quit on what you two have. You love her. Like, really love her. You always have, and you know it. You need to talk.”
I took in a deep breath and lay flat on my bed again, staring at that same stupid dot on my ceiling that I’d been looking at since yesterday. “Yeah, I know. You’re right. You always are, dick head,” I joked, trying to lighten the situation, and my miserable-ass mood. I was pretty sure I was heading to ASU after practice. Some things just weren’t meant to be said over-the-phone.
Chapter 8
Nolan
Somehow, I kept managing to find new lows. I was working on maybe two hours of sleep over the last 48 hours, and it was starting to make me paranoid and full of
anxiety—something which I already had a tough time managing with ample amounts of sleep and low stress.
When Reed shut the door on me yesterday, I crumbled. I sat there in the stairwell sobbing for an hour. And when I made it back up to my room, I just kept going. I ignored Sarah and Sienna for the entire day, just texting them that I was busy, putting them off. I wasn’t ready for their dose of advice. And worse, I wasn’t ready for Sarah to be pissed off at me. I knew she would be.
I’d done this. And I knew if I just let Reed in earlier, I could have avoided it all. But I’d made a mountain out of my problems and guilt, and rather than deal with it all, I got carried away in stupid fantasies. I liked Gavin, sure. He was smart and handsome, and had that musician thing that made girls get stupid. But he didn’t have my heart.
I dialed Reed’s number on an impulse last night, spilling my guts to him. I was thankful, at first, when I got his voicemail. Voicemail wasn’t intimidating, at least not when you were throwing caution to the wind. I told him everything. I told him how sorry I was that I’d been so cold toward him, how freaked out I was because I was pregnant, but how guilty I felt now because I’d lost the baby. I started crying harder when I admitted that aloud, just saying the words cut through me like a knife and forced me to pause on the phone for a few seconds—choking on words and heartbreak. I told him about what really happened the day I fell from the treadmill, about the heartless doctor who gave me a stack of brochures and a condom, along with my miscarriage diagnosis—and about how my fucked up head and drinking turned into the worst decision of my life when I kissed Gavin that night. I downright begged for him to forgive me. I laid it all out on the field, nothing left.
And then I waited.
As each hour passed, the fact that Reed wasn’t calling was hitting me harder and harder. I figured he was probably ignoring my call and message at first. I thought about texting him, trying to force him to see my name and face. But each time I grabbed my phone, I chickened out, thought it was better to let him work through what he had heard and seen.