Truly Madly Deeply: Volumes 1-4

by Brenda Pandos

  “Are you going to Hulk out or something?”

  “Maybe.” A wry grin forms on his lips, and he moves forward, pinning me against the counter. My heart races and, I gnaw at my lip. I like him in my personal space. I like it way too much, and the girl who knows he’s taken isn’t listening.

  “I’ll stash extras in a secret place,” I barely breathe out, wishing he’d do something we’d both regret. “And I’ll tell everyone we’re sold out.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “And where is this place? I want to see it.”

  My belly tingles low and deep, and I can’t help the naughty thoughts from running wild. Why does he keep doing this? Is there trouble in his paradise? Once again, I tell myself this is just innocent flirting, but it isn’t working. He’s so irresistible.

  Self-preservation overcomes me, and I attempt to slither away from his grasp. “I don’t kiss and tell. And you’re trespassing.”

  “Really?” His eyes ignite with something that makes me want to throw out reason and ravage his lips, but I refrain. Yet he remains close as if he knows the temptation raging inside of me.

  The phone next to us rings, and I jump. The moment is suddenly lost. I lunge for the handle on the second ring and pick up.

  “Snack shack, we don’t do deliveries.” I stifled a giggle with my fingertips, and watch his reaction.

  Logan’s lip curls and my toes do a jig of happiness in my flip-flops.

  “Madison,” Joe says on the line.

  “Yes?” I straighten at his sternness. What did I do wrong now? “Sorry, I’m just teasing.”

  “Don’t worry about that. You have an urgent call.”

  “I do?” I asked, confused.

  “Yes. I hope everything is okay. I’m patching it through.”

  My heart skips. Dang it. I should have kept my phone on me. Did something happen at home?

  The line clicks. “Hello? Madison?” Gage’s voice floods the line and my stomach lurches.

  My glance swings wide to Logan’s and his smile vanishes into a frown, like he’s mirroring me. I gulp down my terror, and bow my head mortified he’s here witnessing this. I’m going to be so caught.

  He shuffles nervously, then puts his warm hand on my shoulder. My eyes lift to his—the look is a mix of concern and fear.

  From it I draw courage and channel strength to my vocal cords, though the blood is whooshing in my ears so loud from my heart doing double time. I’m on the verge of vomiting. “Yeah. What’s up?”

  “Maddy?” he asks like he doesn’t recognize my voice.

  “Yeah.” I push as much happiness as I can into my voice, but it’s not working. “What’s the emergency?”

  Logan’s eyes narrow. I shrug apologetically, then quickly look away. I don’t want Logan to think anything other than I’m cool, that this is no big deal. Why can’t I make myself hang up?

  “You didn’t return my text, so… I was worried.” Gage pauses and breathes heavy into the phone.

  Logan shrugs and makes a motion that he’s going to step outside. Secretly I don’t want him to leave, like his presence is the glue that keeps me from shattering into a tiny million pieces, but it’s better for privacy sake, and I nod. The door softly shuts behind him.

  I squint my eyes, doing everything I can to keep it together.

  My voice hardens. “We broke up, Gage.”

  “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” His tenderness envelops me and just like that, the sick pathetic part of me surfaces, the one that wants his arms around me, wants his kisses to heal me, wants his apologies. I shove her down and refuse to give her control.

  “I’m fine.”

  He swallows and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Maddy. I—I was such an ass.”

  My strength crumbles for a second as my insides give way. He’s apologizing? I blink in awe when the vision of Allie and Gage locked together comes crashing in and the pain washes over me again. “You should have thought about that when you were screwing my best friend.”

  “Maddy,” he starts, then pauses.

  “I’m done with your excuses.” I bow my head. “I need to go.”

  “I was an idiot and shouldn’t have let you go.” He huffs on the phone like he’s about to have a heart attack. “Come on, Mad. Cut me some slack, here.”

  “I did, Gage.”

  “You know how Allie can get. She took advantage of me, but we’re over. She means nothing to me.”

  I shake my head and laugh, catching the implication his unfaithfulness is an accident. “You mean you used her, then got tired of her.” All the sappy photos of them on Allie’s Facebook flip through my mind. Paradise didn’t last long. “You must think I’m stupid.”

  “Maddy, no. The honest truth is, I care about you, and I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to take back what happened every day.”

  The tattered pieces of my heart he’d crushed, twist and writhe, trying to fit back together. I’ve craved this apology, watched it happen in my mind a million times, him begging, the victory of his realized mistake, the opportunity to crush him like a bug. And in my opportunity to exact revenge, I cave.

  I suck in a breath and dig my nail into the soft wood on the counter. “I can’t—”

  “Just hear me out.” He lowers his voice. “I should have never agreed to help, and when she came at me like that. I’m so sorry.”

  I pinch my lips together in an effort not to scream. One minute I believe his apologies, and yet he’s still making excuses. How can you rape the willing? He didn’t look like a victim when he was between her legs. “I don’t believe you.”

  “Maddy…”

  “I saved myself for our wedding day, and then you just threw that away—”

  “Allie, I promise you…” He sucked in a quick gasp. “Maddy. Crap.”

  “Don’t call me again, Gage.”

  “No, please. I need you.” He begs as I try to hang up the phone, but my hand won’t put the receiver on the hook. “I just want to see you, that’s it.”

  My world sways, and even though he’s called me that bitch’s name, I still crave his attention, this overdue apology. Will this be the best I ever do? Will all the Logans be taken? The few drops of self-respect I have left are evaporating, and I can already see myself letting him back in.

  “Gage…” I sigh, trying my hardest to stay strong.

  “Just think about it—it’s just lunch.”

  Warning bells sound in my head. Lunch could lead to other things, but then again I could get closure, too. My heart pounds like it’s about to burst, and my thoughts collide with what to do.

  The words fly out before I can stop myself. “I’ll think about it. Just don’t call my work anymore. Bye.” I hang up before he makes me agree to anything further.

  I suck in a few breaths and grip the counter before turning around. Logan stands outside with his hands in his pockets, his face pensive. He watches me through the window like a caged tiger. I smile and open the door wide.

  “Hey, sorry about that.”

  His eyes darken. “What’s wrong?”

  I gulp down the sand lining my throat and try to speak, but it’s difficult.

  “It’s nothing.”

  Logan’s gaze clouds over and he works his jaw. “Really?”

  A million things hurricane through my head as I contemplate what to say. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

  He squints and his jaw tightens. “You could tell me, you know.”

  I sigh. “Yeah, I know. It’s really no big deal.”

  My arms start to tremble. I need to talk to someone about that lying bastard, but not Logan; this will destroy our friendship. And after agreeing to see Gage, my stomach aches, and I really want to go to the restroom.

  “Maddy, you’re shaking.”

  Tears pinprick my eyes. I will them to stop filling my lids. I have to say something, but nothing good comes to mind. “It’s complicated, okay? I’d rather not talk about it.”

  Helplessness crosse
s his face, and he keeps looking at me in a way that pries away my defenses. “You’re worrying me.”

  I wipe one of the rebellious tears off my cheek. I’m stronger than this. I’d had enough time away to heal. My time for crying is over, and I just need to suck it up.

  “I’m fine.” I try to smile.

  He walks closer, entering into my protective bubble. Then he enfolds me into a hug. His scent engulfs me, and more tears slip from my eyes. I want this. I want him. The thought terrifies me. I stiffen and pull away.

  His concern is there, more prominent than ever, and the desire to have someone care about me like Logan does stings, and he’s only a friend. I smooth my hands down my jeans. “Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me, but really. It’s going to be okay.”

  “I know what you need.”

  I startle at his words. “What?”

  A wicked grin forms on his lips, making my toes do that curling thing again. Before I can say anything, he weaves his hand in mine and leads me toward the main building. His stiff gait feels protective next to me, like he’s my personal bodyguard. Thinking about it now, Gage never did that for me, never opened doors, never held my hand unless he wanted to stake his claim. Actually, he never cared when I was injured or hurt.

  We enter the counselors’ lounge and head for the kitchen. “I lied to you.”

  My arm tenses, but I don’t pull away. He chuckles as he twists the knob. What’s he planning to do? “What are you doing?”

  “Shhh…” He pulls me inside and closes the door.

  My heart hammers when the thought of him kissing me in the dark zips through my head without my permission. He drops my hand, and the furious beating only grows louder. At the click, light pours into the room from the fridge. “I have a secret stash.”

  He shuffles aside other frozen things, and I blink at how easily my mind wandered. The light illuminates his boyish grin. Then his lips curl downward.

  “What?”

  “That asshole!” Logan slams the door shut and brushes past me, leaving me alone in the darkened kitchen. “I’m going to kill Brady!”

  The absence of his presence leaves a horrible longing. I’ve let him in, and my secrets are holding me hostage. Giving him up would be the solution, the problem is I like his attention—I like it more than I should. And I want it all to myself.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  After another amazing afternoon with Logan, I lather my hair in the shower, lost in a daydream. Our paint fight has shoved Gage and his stupid phone call to the farthest recesses of my worries. The hot water soaks into my sore muscles, and I hum a tune. If there is a prescription for getting over someone, Logan is surely it.

  “Hey!” Syd raps on the wall. “Hurry up. We’re going to be late to the night hike.”

  “The what?” I peek around the shower curtain.

  “To Devil’s Peak.”

  I laugh and feel my cheeks burn. Devil’s Peak, the infamous make-out spot, is where Matt got to first base with me, and the rest of the freshmen at camp apparently. Of course Dirk and the counselors are going for a morale building exercise, if they’d extended the invitation to me and Logan was going, of course I’d go.

  I rinse my hair and imagine Logan’s hands running up my stomach, touching me in secret places. Then I cross my eyes and snort. This is getting way out of control. Tonight I’d prove to myself I’m not addicted to him, and hang with Syd. I need a head check anyway.

  Bundling my hands into my pockets, I leave the cabin, and join in the circle waiting for the group to assemble. Matt’s knowing look meets mine, and I quickly glance away, my stomach twisting. There is no way I’d acknowledge the memory of his cold fumbling hands.

  “Alright, mateys. First person to use their flashlight volunteers themselves for breakfast duty at the crack of dawn,” Dirk says with his pirate accent.

  I roll my eyes. What a stupid way to volunteer someone for Breakfast duty, which is my coveted duty every morning.

  “I think this be it.” Dirk trudges forward, and the group follows behind.

  I scan the crowd for Logan’s dark hair, and once the disappointment floods over me at his absence, I knock some sense into myself. This will be happening all summer, especially after he has campers. I have to stop looking forward to spending time with him, and it needs to happen now.

  Together we walk down the main road in a pack, but once we maneuver down the trail single file, my heart gallops a little, wishing Logan was by my side. Quickly my eyes adjust to the moonlight, and I push away my concerns that Logan ditched the hike.

  A general murmur about what everyone wants to do on our last night of freedom flutters over the group—something off campus, of course. Suggestions like laser tag, or wearing skit clothes and performing a flash mob seems to be the favs, until someone suggests a camping trip on the beach. The group quickly agrees. The idea thrills me, especially if it means Logan will be sleeping nearby.

  “So…” Syd turns to me. “Did you talk to Gage?”

  I choke on my spit and gasp for breath. How did Syd know he called? I quickly try to process how that could be possible. Was the phone line unsecure?

  Syd pounds on my back. “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I manage to say. “Sorry.”

  “So did you?”

  I mop up my runny nose with my sleeve. “No, why?”

  “Oh, shoot. I wanted to tell Ryder when to visit. He’s going to be bored when I’m working, so I was hoping they’d hang out until we’re free.”

  “Oh-h-h, that,” I say, a little too pronounced. “He’s working the entire time and can’t get off.”

  “Really? Even on the weekend?”

  “Yeah…”

  “That sucks.”

  I withhold my desire to laugh. Gage never plays well with others, especially guys he’s intimidated by. “He’s married to his work.”

  “What does he do?”

  “Uh… works for his dad’s firm.” I bite my lip. Keeping up the pretense is starting to make me dizzy. One week was child’s play compared to an entire summer of my so called life.

  “Oh, wow.”

  “It’s all good.” I shrug. “Once summer’s over, it’ll be good.”

  “Good?” Syd purred. “Maybe you aren’t doing it right.”

  My cheeks flush, and I stifle a giggle like we were in the fourth grade. “Sydney!”

  “Don’t tell me you’ve never…” she starts, then stops. “No. Not in this day and age. Why the hell not?”

  My eyes slide shut. Apparently I can lie about everything else, except sex, or my lack of having it. I press my lips together.

  “Oh, honey.” She laughs, and when I don’t laugh with her, she pauses. “You’re serious.”

  “I mean, yes, we fooled around plenty, but I just didn’t want to go all the way.” I sigh. Maybe if I had, he wouldn’t have cheated. At her silence, I feel stupid and want to say something to defend myself. The whole thing makes my ears hot. I know if I could see her eyes, they’d be wide like saucers.

  “Didn’t?” she clarifies.

  “Don’t,” I say. “Things between Gage and I are rocky at times, so… I’m not ready for that.”

  “Then you’re the smartest woman I know. I was pressured into it early, and I should have saved it for someone who loves me like Ryder does.”

  “Saved what?” Logan pops his head between us.

  I scream and Kitty clicks her flashlight on, beaming it at me.

  “Dish duty!” a few counselors cry out.

  “Shit, Maddy.” Kitty beams the light in my eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  I shield my eyes, but I can’t stop laughing.

  “Language,” Dirk warns. “Practice now. We don’t want slip-ups during camp.”

  “I wouldn’t have to effing mind my words if Maddy would control herself.” Kitty mumbles a few more expletives, but doesn’t shut off the light.

  “I have dish duty everyday. Welcome to the other side
of the tracks.”

  A snicker falls over the group and I can almost feel Kitty’s death glare before she shuts off her light.

  “Wow. What did I miss?” Logan asks.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Syd chuckles, and I elbow her in the side to shut-up. Thank God he didn’t overhear. For some reason, being a virgin is mortifying.

  The rest of the walk involves banter between Logan and Syd, which is fine. Questions directed at me means more lies, and at this point I need a diary to keep track of my made up life. Instead, I daydream about what I will bring to wear on the camping trip; that new black bikini perhaps.

  Eventually the trail opens and we stop at the overlook. Down below in the vast canyon hundreds of little lights salt and pepper the neighboring mountain. I follow Syd’s lead and sit on one of the logs circling the pit. Dirk kneels down to light the bonfire. Kitty whistles and jokes about plumber’s crack on her way over to sit farthest from me. She makes sure to shoot me another smirk.

  “She’ll get over it,” Syd says as I sit down.

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  I watch Logan sit opposite us and chat with the guys. I hate that it bothers me he didn’t sit by me, like we were in stupid junior high. I don’t need to be jealous, considering we’d spent all afternoon painting each other.

  After the fire’s flames lick the sky, Dirk takes out his guitar and starts strumming to a song I don’t know. Those who know the lyrics sing along. I study the fire instead and try to push all my worries away—that is until I catch Logan watching me. The fire dances in his eyes and there is something there—curiosity of sorts, like he is trying to figure me out. My stomach zings with excitement. I look away. What game is he playing?

  After an hour passes, Syd leans in. “I’m exhausted. Feel like going back?”

  I shrug and find Logan in my peripheral vision. I know I should leave, but the stupid part of me that craves more time with him digs her heels in. “Yeah.”

  I don’t stand right away, and Syd follows my gaze to Logan.

  “Be careful,” she warns.

  “What? Me?”

  She perches a brow. “You two are awful chummy.”

  “Pfft.” I laugh, but I know she’s right.