Truly Madly Deeply: Volumes 1-4

by Brenda Pandos

  I turn to walk away, though I’d rather run. The tears fight to burst from my eyes. There’s nothing left to salvage. My actions have destroyed everything, and the last thing my pride needs is for him to see me unravel over it.

  “Wait.” He drops his bag and before I know it, his hand takes my arm to stop me. I pull it away.

  “No, Logan. It’s fine… Please, let me go.”

  “No.” He runs his hands through his hair. “I just see the bruise on your cheek, and I want to break his hands so he can never do that to you again. But I can’t. And knowing you, and your kind heart, you’ll probably give him a second chance. And who am I to demand you never see him again. You clearly love him, or… shit, I don’t know what’s going on between you, but it’s not my business, so I just have to shut it out… it’ll drive me crazy otherwise.”

  I furrow my brow, touched and confused. Did he just admit he’s jealous? I look away all the same. My life through his eyes is twisted and self deprecating. “Of course you can tell me that you don’t think he’s good for me. That’s what friends do.”

  “I did, and you told me time and time again you weren’t hurt.”

  “I was embarrassed.”

  “You don’t have to be embarrassed with me, Maddy.”

  I press my fingertips into my temples to ward off the growing headache. “Well, it’s over with him, just so you know. He’s not getting a second chance.”

  He lets out a long, low breath. “Good.”

  A tear slides down my cheek. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

  His shoulders fall. “It’s just… I can’t stop… Seeing you like that. Broken. Maddy… it was so maddening.”

  I close my eyes and I hear him shift closer to me. His palm slides up the side of my cheek, and he catches the tear with his thumb. My breath catches and I can feel him watching me and my chest constricts.

  I want to tell him everything. That I’d broken up with Gage way before camp, that I cared enough for myself to ignore him, but because of the lies I was forced to see him. I want Logan to see I’m not entirely the idiot he thinks I am, but mostly, I want to tell him that the reason I no longer love Gage is because I’ve fallen for him, deeply.

  “You’re too special to be treated like that,” he whispers.

  He holds me for a minute, and I know if I open my eyes, he might just kiss me, which terrifies me. I tug away from him, and he finally lets me go.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, Logan. For not trusting you. I just like to keep things to myself.”

  He sighs. “This is something you need to tell someone.”

  “I know.” I give a small smile. “We good now?”

  “Yeah.” He nods, but he doesn’t look relieved. More like I’m a lit fuse and he doesn’t know what to do with me.

  “So why are you jetting out of here like a bat out of hell? Big plans?” I ask to alleviate the tension.

  “Actually, I could probably tell you.” He grits his teeth for a second. “I’m going to propose to Kat this weekend.”

  I suck in a startled breath. “You are?” I manage to squeak out.

  His brows press together in response. “Yeah.”

  “Oh.” Once again, I’m reminded that I’ve read everything wrong. That he’s in love with someone else, and I’m heading for another heartbreak.

  “Yeah, so…” He pulls the box out of his pocket and opens it. The solitaire diamond sitting on the ring of gold, sparkles in the fading sunlight, taking my breath away. “Hopefully she says yes.”

  She’d be an idiot not to.

  I touch my temple. “You’re nineteen.”

  “The wedding won’t be until after we graduate.”

  My eyes lift to his. “Well, then, congratulations.”

  “She hasn’t said yes yet.” He smiles, but the happiness doesn’t touch his eyes. He heads back to the porch to grab his bag and pulls out the keys from his pocket. Dirk’s truck chirps twice. He opens the door and stops to look at me for a second. There’s something there, something he wants to tell me. He chickens out, and steps inside. The engine turns over, and I wish it to stall. He pulls out of the spot, waving as he passes me. I see his lips move, but I don’t know what he’s saying.

  I wave, too, and before I know it, he’s gone and he’s taken my heart with him.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I return to the mess hall. It’s desolate once more, all except for Sophia.

  “There you are.” Sophia huffs with a broom in hand. “I thought I’d have to clean this up by myself.”

  “Sorry.” I take the broom from her.

  She stops and looks at me. “You okay?”

  “I’m great.” I take the broom to the farthest corner from her and try to keep to myself as she empties the trash. Anything to keep my mind preoccupied from you know who.

  She rattles on about how Jordan and half the girls are spending the weekend with their boyfriends and how everyone is leaving. I just smile and nod, but get the feeling she’s trying to latch onto me. Rumor at camp is she was dumped right before coming to camp, like me, the only difference is she can’t stop talking about it. I’m lonely for a friend, but I’m not up to being anyone’s grief counselor.

  She makes it sound like camp will be a ghost town, and I wonder what Syd will be doing. Maybe I can rent a boyfriend or find some Goldschläger to drown my sorrows.

  “Hey, there you are.” Syd saunters through the double doors into the mess hall, looking tired but happy.

  At the sight of her, I almost burst into tears. “Hey.”

  She blinks at me for a second, her gaze tracing over my cheek. “Your eye looks great.”

  “I’ve been putting parsley on it. Joe suggested it. Weird, huh?”

  “Wow.” She comes in for a closer look. “It’s almost gone.”

  “Good thing. The pirate patch was starting to chafe my cheek.”

  She laughs at my joke. “I’ve got good news.”

  “You do?” I blow out a breath. Did Kat die? I cringe at my sudden ugliness. How cruel of me to wish that. All I want for Logan is happiness, whoever that’s with. I don’t have a right to be jealous that it’s not with me.

  “I’ll be in the rotation for next week. We’ll be roomies!”

  I tackle hug her, elated with the news. “What about Kitty?”

  “Well… there was a cancellation at a local boys camp and they’re coming here, so they had to pull Matt from rotation. Originally he and Kitty were slated to rotate together, so Kitty asked if I’d switch.”

  “That’s sweet of you.”

  “It’s purely selfish. I love my girls, but they talk non-stop all hours of the night.” Syd sighs. “And I miss Ryder so much. He was able to change his flight.”

  My shoulders sink down. Visions of us hanging out all week fall and crash in a fiery ball. “He’s coming?” I try to keep a happy tone. “When?”

  “Well, Saturday afternoon to Thursday, possibly Friday. He has to get back to his job eventually. I think we’ll go to Monterey on Saturday night. He’s never been there before.”

  “Sounds romantic.”

  She walks forward. “What’s wrong?”

  I want to tell her about Logan’s big plans, and how I’m heartbroken, but then I’d have to tell her everything. “Oh, just the same old thing.”

  “You didn’t hear from Gage, did you?”

  “No, thank God. I doubt I ever will.”

  She takes my arm. “You know it’s for the best.”

  “I know, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

  “Well, then you just need a distraction.”

  Tell me about it. I had one. He’s taken, and most likely engaged by now.

  “One night this week, we’ll go out to dinner. Okay? Just the three of us,” she continues. “Somewhere yummy. Do you like sushi?”

  I push my lips up into a smile. “If you’re treating, I’m up for anything.”

  “It’s a date.” She gives me a hug. “C
ome to the bonfire tonight at Devil’s Peak. It’ll be fun.”

  I shrug noncommittally. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “There’ll be S’mores.” She flashes a toothy grin from over her shoulder, then leaves me alone with my broom.

  ~|~

  I show up at the campfire, eat a S’more, but once the singing starts, I ditch the cheesiness and sulk in my room with only my book to keep me company. I don’t feel like pretending everything is okay. Not today. Not for the rest of the summer.

  Saturday morning rolls around and after I get my grubby hands on my paycheck, I run out to get a new phone. The deduction from what I’d owed from the snack shack plus the phone leaves me penniless again.

  After I scroll through the missed texts and calls, I have buyers remorse. There’s nothing from Gage, which stings a little. I don’t even have enough money to get lunch out, and when I return, camp is desolate once more.

  I stumble into the mess hall, stomach growling.

  “Hey, Maddy!” Dirk calls out. “Thought you might have left for the weekend, too.” He slaps his hand on the empty seat next to his. “Come join us.”

  Dirk’s at a table with Jordan, Brady, and a few other counselors, in the middle of a riveting game of cards. I run through the buffet, that consists of leftover hamburgers from last night and lasagna from two nights ago, sit down and watch them argue over a game I’ve never played before.

  “We’ll deal you in next round.”

  “Oh, that’s okay,” I say with a mouth full of noodles. “I’ll just watch.”

  “Read ‘em and weep.” Dirk throws down his hand and everyone groans, tossing their cards in the middle.

  “You so cheat,” Jordan accuses.

  Dirk quirks a grin while he gathers up the cards and shuffles them. He turns to me. “So, tonight, we thought we’d pitch in for pizzas, and watch a movie on the big screen in the auditorium.”

  “Something R rated. I’m so sick of being PG,” Jordan says with a chuckle. A few of the others agree.

  I lift my brow and gauge Dirks reaction, which is solemn, then remember my lack of funds. “Uh, sure. All except for the pizza.”

  “Really?” Jordan wrinkles her lips.

  “I’m…” Claiming I’m on a diet, while I’m shoveling greasy cheese covered noodles in my face, is quite contradictory, “limiting my carbs.”

  She lifts a brow while eyeing my plate. “Okay.”

  I take one last bite and smile.

  Dirk deals me into the game.

  “No, I’m good.” I hold up my hands.

  “Come on, it’s fun.” Dirk scoots closer to me and looks at my cards. “I’ll tell you what to do.”

  After a few rounds, I start to get the hang of it and actually win a hand.

  “What?” Jordan throws down her cards. “This sucks.”

  “Beginner’s luck.” Dirk grips my knee under the table and squeezes.

  I jump and suck in a startled breath.

  At my reaction, he removes his hand. He gives me an apologetic frown, but I want to bite his head off. Is he kidding me? I just had a nasty public breakup. That’s not an invitation to hit on me.

  “I think I’m going to go…” I start to say.

  Kitty busts into the mess hall, her cheeks stained with tears. Matt’s right behind her.

  “Dirk,” she says breathlessly. “Can I talk to you alone, please?”

  Everyone turns toward Kitty.

  “Sure.” He gets up and motions they speak outside. Within minutes, he returns.

  “What was that about?” Brady asks as he inspects his cards.

  “Kitty’s mom is in the hospital. We need to change the rotation schedule again.” He scrolls through his phone. “Syd’s going to hate me, but she’s going to have to work this week.”

  “Really?” I say, sitting up taller in my seat. “I’ll fill in for her.” The words slip from my mouth before I can stop myself.

  Dirk’s eyes lift from his screen. His brow creases. “Uh… yeah, we can definitely talk about that.”

  “You need me. I can do it.” I scan the others’ faces. Their eyes are glued on their cards, or anywhere other than me, like having me as a counselor is the most ludicrous idea ever.

  “What about the snack shack?” Dirk asks.

  “Get a kitchen staffer to fill in. It’s not hard to take orders, believe me.”

  By the look on his face, the idea is not helping my case.

  “Like I said, we can talk about it later.” Dirk’s phone starts to ring. He excuses himself outside.

  I stand, excusing myself from the game, and linger close to the door. I’m assuming it’s Syd, and she’s pissed he’s ruining her rotation week. His gruff voice can barely be heard over the game, and I can’t make out what he’s saying. When I think the conversation is over, I slip outside. Dirk is pacing at the far end of the walkway near the auditorium.

  “Yeah, Syd, I know.”

  He pauses.

  “I wouldn’t ask you to unless I had no other choice.”

  My cheeks burn. Why am I not a viable replacement?

  He hangs up and turns around. Once he sees me, he pulls his lips into a thin line.

  “Maddy,” he says, clipped. “What are you doing out here?”

  “I don’t understand why I can’t fill in. Does this have to do with what happened with Gage?”

  “What? No.” He shakes his head. “It’s because you don’t have any experience.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Working with kids.”

  I pull my head back. “How do you know that?”

  He stiffens and my eyes narrow. “Did Marge say something?”

  He shoves his hands in his pockets. “I saw your application.”

  I glare at him. I didn’t fill out an application, meaning Marge did say something, but what? Did my name come up as a viable counselor candidate prior? Was someone else slated to be the snack shack person, and they’d pulled them to be a counselor instead, making the job vacant? Either way, Dirk knew, and I can’t make up experience I’ve never had without being found out.

  “Dirk. Come on. Syd’s boyfriend is here visiting from Washington.”

  “I know, but I need her. She’s employed to be available all summer.”

  “I don’t get what’s the big deal,” I mumble under my breath.

  “The big deal is that being a counselor is exhausting: emotionally, physically, and mentally. There’s a lot to it, besides just hanging out and making sure they don’t sneak off and make out after hours. They’re needy and going through stuff, lots of stuff. And I’m not sure if you’re up to that.”

  I glare at him. Yes, I’m beginning to see this has something to do with my lack of discernment with Gage. “I may not be experienced with kids, but I’m experienced with life.”

  Dirk closes his eyes briefly.

  “This is about Gage. Don’t lie to me.”

  “No. It’s about your experience plain and simple.”

  I blow out a breath. “Sure it is.”

  “Don’t take this personal, Maddy. Please.”

  I shake my head. “It’s fine, Dirk. I get it. Whatever.” I turn and head toward the snack shack, my place in this hell hole. Screw pizza. Screw them all.

  CHAPTER TEN

  If the ground could have quaked under Syd’s shoes once she returned Sunday afternoon, we all would have felt the tremors. The worst part is I’m terrified she’ll find out Dirk wouldn’t take me as a replacement and wring his neck as a result, or just quit. Dirk does pull a few strings and allows her a few afternoons off, but it’s not much. Ryder will sleep in his cabin, and keep out of everyone’s way since he’s not officially staff, nor has he passed a background check.

  “I can’t believe this,” Syd says under her breath as she stuffs the rest of her things into her suitcase and lugs it out of Aspen.

  “I know,” I say as I follow, carrying her laundry basket filled to the top.

  “I have to leave the gro
unds now if I want some nookie, and screw in the back seat.”

  My cheeks heat, and I want to offer my room, but then I don’t.

  Ryder passes us in the hall, and Syd stops to kiss him. I quickly escape down the stairs. After a few minutes, I wonder what’s the hold up, but I’m afraid I’ll catch them doing it in my room.

  Of course Ryder is tall, dark, and utterly gorgeous, but in an hour, he has to make himself scarce and that doesn’t leave them much time.

  “Syd?” I call out and look up to my second story bedroom.

  Syd appears a few minutes later with a glow on her face. “Sorry about that. I needed to say goodbye.”

  I bite my lip to hide my embarrassed smile.

  “You’ll keep him company, right?” she asks. “I told him he could hang out at your place.”

  I smile and agree, but I don’t think Ryder wants to have anything to do with me.

  We trudge across the grounds, and once inside Mulberry, we pile Kitty’s things inside one of the closets and lock it. Syd quickly sets up her bunk. She has a cute welcome poster, and streamers, but she’s totally not in the mood to be festive.

  “Hey,” I say as I tape up one of the pink strands. “I’ll keep an eye on the girls and give you a break in the afternoons, then you can sneak away and see Ryder, okay?”

  “Okay, yeah.” She tapes up the other strand. “I think he’s going to try to fly home early because of all of this. I wish you could just fill in for me all week.” I watch her eyes widen as her secret wish sinks in, blooming into action. She hangs the last of the streamers and hops off the top bunk. “You could, you know. I’m sure Dirk would say yes. We’ll trade, and I’ll run the snack shack for you. It’ll be perfect.”

  I fake a smile. “I… uh…” Lying has gotten me into so much trouble already, and I can’t lead Syd on, especially not now. “I already asked.”

  Her hopeful smile turns into a frown. “And?”

  “Dirk said no.”

  “What?” She flops onto her bunk.

  She’s less devastated than I expected. “I don’t have any experience with kids.”

  “Heck, I don’t have any experience,” she says. “Other than babysitting and working at a daycare for six months to find out I hated it.”