Truly Madly Deeply: Volumes 1-4

by Brenda Pandos

  “That’s six months longer than me.”

  “The point is, it’s not with teens. You have to have experience. Something…” She sits on the bunk, thinking. “Babysitting? Vacation Bible School? Anything?”

  I shake my head. “Just a bratty younger sister, I have to watch all the time, but I don’t think that counts.”

  Syd rolls her eyes. “Probably not.”

  “Other than working as a bank teller. Oh, and attended Ju—college, I’m tapped.” I catch myself, almost saying Junior College.

  “Crap,” she says, sinking backward onto her bed. “He’s such a control freak.”

  “Well, Logan isn’t even twenty yet, and Dirk hired him.”

  She sucks in a breath and sits up. “What? And he’s sweating you? That’s so wrong.”

  “I think he’s getting back at me for our junior year. Either that, or it has something to do with Gage.”

  “What happened with Gage wasn’t your fault.”

  “Well…” I rub my arm absently, still remembering his grip holding me hostage. “Maybe he thinks I’m unstable.”

  “Unstable, my ass. We’re all unstable.”

  We both chuckle. The main bell dongs four times, which means kids are descending upon the premises.

  “I should go,” I say.

  Syd stands, then hugs me. “Thanks for trying.”

  “Of course. Anytime.”

  I exit the cabin, and prop the door open. Girls are lugging their suitcases on wheels up the path, giggling and pointing. There’s a naïve gleam in their eyes. Curious and hopeful about life, that’ll remain until disaster strikes. Mine hit young and I’m already so jaded. Maybe it is a good thing I’m not advising them. Heck, my life is a mess.

  I clean up and get changed for dinner. Ryder’s already bored downstairs, tinkering away on his laptop. I offer to bring him food back, but he declines. I can already see this will be a strained week.

  The kitchen is a bustle of energy. Being down one person means extra work for me. I put on an apron, and half-expect to see Logan checking in until I remember he’s a counselor this week.

  “I already heard,” Joe says with a glare. “The kitchen is always the last to know, like it won’t affect us or anything.” He mumbles under his breath. “Things will be tight, considering it’s a full week, so get ready.”

  I nod, actually happy about that fact. The busier, the better. Joe puts me to work assembling the condiments for the taco bar, a dish we haven’t had yet, which makes my stomach growl. At least he likes to change up the menu from week to week.

  As the kids start to trickle in, I happen to look up just as Logan walks in. I stop and stare for a moment. He has a group of eight younger boys hanging around him and they’re totally idolizing him, yet he’s cool about it. A happy thrill dances in my stomach, at seeing how he might be as a father. There’s something so sexy about that, and I want to keep watching, and live inside this daydream.

  Then I remember he’s not mine, that he proposed to Kat this weekend. That he’s probably on cloud nine over it. I sink against the wall, keeping my eyes shrouded under the bill of my hat while Dirk reads off the announcements from the podium.

  My glance finds Logan again, and he’s looking at me. My eyes dart away, but when I chance to look at him again, he’s still watching me. His expression isn’t filled with elation as I’d thought. He actually looks sad. Did things not go as expected this weekend? Hope blossoms inside me, then I shove it down.

  The room erupts in a cheer once dinner is announced, and I snap to attention. The boys annihilate the buffet, and I do my best to keep things organized. I’m running back and forth, replacing cheese, tomatoes, onions and guacamole. After forty-five minutes, the rush is over and I’m exhausted.

  Logan’s campers are one of the last to finish. He’s talking with one of them, a smaller boy with ruddy cheeks. Upon further inspection, I see the boy is crying. He excuses himself to the restroom, and Logan clears their plates.

  “Hey,” he says to me as he passes.

  I almost startle at his voice, expecting him to ignore me like he had last week.

  “Hey.”

  I want to know what happened to make him look sad, but I’m too scared to hear about his good news. He’s probably just hating it here, wishing to go home and be with her instead.

  “Home sick,” Logan says while helping me put the lids on the condiments at the station.

  “That’s what I figured.”

  “Any word on Kitty’s mom?”

  “No.”

  I bite my lip. He looks at me sweetly, his eyes sweeping over my face. My tummy flutters. For someone who’s newly engaged, I’m so confused why he’s looking at me like this—like he’s missed me.

  The boy returns from the bathroom. “I’m ready,” he announces.

  Logan gives me a nod, and then they’re gone. I can’t help but think something went wrong, and that he didn’t propose.

  I hear the music start in the auditorium and duck out for the snack shack. A Drumstick will do me good about now, that and the book Logan lent me. Perhaps he’ll want to hide in the snack shack like he did last week.

  An hour later, the night game ensues. I see the counselors fan out and hide. I wait, and Logan doesn’t come. Disgusted with myself, I decide to check on Ryder instead of staying here, looking desperate.

  There’s a soft knock at the door.

  “It’s open,” I say.

  Logan walks inside. “Hey.”

  I look up at him and set down the book. “Hey.”

  Though we say nothing, the air is charged with so many unspoken overtones. It’s like that’s all we can say to each other, because we can’t talk about how we really feel.

  “You’re reading without me?” He gestures to the book.

  “Well… maybe.” I crack a sheepish smile. “You need a place to hide?”

  He sighs. “That and the usual.”

  I swing my arm outward. “Help yourself.”

  He slides me a twenty across the counter. “I know I owe you more, especially after busting your phone, but this is all I have on me. Did you get a new one?”

  I look at the money, and blink. It’s like he read my bank statement. “Yeah.”

  “Has… Gage tried to contact you?”

  My eyes swing up to meet his. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

  He works his jaw, but doesn’t say anything.

  “Look, I’m not trying to be rude.” I stand so we’re eye to eye. “But you don’t need to worry. I can take care of myself.”

  He lets out a heavy sigh, and I know I need to make him leave—to stop this sick relationship, whatever it is.

  “Where are you at?” He touches the book.

  “Um, not far. I can go back.” I pick it up from the counter and flip back a few pages, looking for where we left off.

  “Read to me?”

  I begin to read, but am thinking about Logan while the words robotically spill from my lips. About how tortured he is, about the secrets he keeps, and the tough act he portrays like nothing fazes him, but I can’t shake that somehow I’ve crept in and challenged that. That I’ve messed up his perfect world and his plans, and since I’m not his, he doesn’t have a say in my life, other than the advice of a friend.

  He moves closer to me, his thigh brushing mine. The heat presses into my side. I pretend it’s not there, warm and full of silent implications. He’s pretending, too. Pretending that he’s still in control, when we both know he’s not. I know something more than friendship is happening here, otherwise he would have told me how the proposal went, or he wouldn’t seek me out to begin with.

  “Maddy, stop.” He puts his hand on the book.

  I turn to him, and feel my breath quicken. His eyes are smoldering as he looks down at my lips. My toes curl because I know the moment is here. He’s going to be honest with me. He’s going to show his true feelings. I want this. I want him.

  Without thinking, I lean
forward.

  “Found you!” A kid cries from the doorway.

  I lose my balance, and knock my forehead into Logan’s. The book topples to the ground.

  “Ouch.” I hold my head, and my nerves bubble up into laughter. It’s either that or cry.

  Logan holds his head, too.

  “What are you doing?” the kid asks, his face twisted into that of disgust.

  “Just helping out Maddy.”

  They have some sort of code word exchange, and Logan gives the kid the next clue. There’s one last puzzled look, then he’s gone.

  “That was awkward.” I stoop down to pick up the book, thankful to be saved by the interruption. If I kissed him first, I’d be the one at fault.

  But when I straighten, Logan’s watching me, his lips pulled in a grim line. He knows what I attempted to do. My stomach plummets. This is my nightmare coming to fruition.

  “Maddy,” he starts.

  “No, Logan, don’t,” I say quickly. “This was a mistake.”

  He opens and closes his mouth, but says nothing. Then a group of kids bust into the snack shack all at once, announcing they found him first. Logan retreats outside to interact with them. I clutch his book and waffle if I should stay or leave.

  Once the kids thin out, he stands in the doorway. “We should talk.”

  My phone beeps in my pocket. I pull it out.

  Gage: Let’s talk.

  I want to scream at the universe’s humor, but they’re both right. All of us need to talk and get our shit straightened out.

  “Is it Gage?” he asks.

  “Why does it matter, Logan?”

  “It matters because I care about you.”

  Courage burns through me and I’m done lying about my feelings. “So much so, you’re okay with kissing me after you propose to someone else?”

  “Kiss you? What are you talking about?”

  I laugh, and my chest squeezes so tight it hurts. “Oh, that’s just perfect. Pretend you don’t know what’s going on here. Coming here. Sitting close to me. Looking in my eyes. What am I supposed to think?”

  His eyes dart away. “Nothing. I have a girlfriend.”

  I suck in a breath and glare at his lying face. “You’re playing games.”

  “I’m not playing games.”

  I’m speechless, and all I can do is pant fast shallow breaths.

  “No. Forget it,” I huff. “I’m beginning to think you enjoy leading me on.”

  He balls up his fists. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “This isn’t The Bachelor. You don’t get to try me on for size, then dump me when it doesn’t fit into your schedule.”

  “Maddy, we aren’t dating.”

  “Aren’t we though? You can lie and tell yourself you’re not crossing the line because we haven’t been physical, but it’s intimate, and if I were Kat, I’d be livid.”

  I can’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. I know that I’m going to lose him for real this time, but at this point this needs to happen. I can’t keep pretending he wants me. Hell, he’s engaged to someone else and if that doesn’t scream “Run Maddy,” I’m deluding myself. I have to shut it all down now.

  I slam the book against his chest, and storm past him outside. “I’m beginning to think this is all for my car, and all-you-can-eat Drumsticks.”

  He grasps onto my wrist. “Maddy.”

  I pull away from him. “No, Logan. I’m done.” My phone chirps again. “I have to go. I need to call Gage.”

  His eyes harden. “That’s not fair.”

  “Fair?” I shake my head. “You don’t get to call the shots in my life.” I take off running.

  “Maddy!” Logan runs after me.

  I burst into tears. “Stop it. Just stop…”

  He grabs me and pulls me into his arms, and squeezes. I melt into him, and my shoulders shake from my tears. He has me, heart and soul, and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself from wanting him.

  “Shit,” he says in my ear. “I didn’t want this to happen.”

  I pull away from him. “What to happen?”

  “For you to fall for me.”

  His words sting me. “Oh, aren’t you arrogant. Don’t worry. I haven’t fallen for you, Logan.”

  A group of girls run up to us. “There you are!” they squeal.

  Logan turns, and I take my leave of absence. I’ve done exactly what I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do, fallen for someone I can’t have. Only this time I can’t run away, and my punishment entails seeing Logan everyday, all summer.

  Will I ever learn?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  I run upstairs and stop before my closed door. Oddly, there’s a sock on the knob. Inside, I hear giggling.

  “Great,” I mumble, before knocking.

  “Maddy?” Syd asks sheepishly. “Is that you?”

  “Yes.”

  I hear shuffling, then something hits the floor. Syd bursts into giggles, then the door clicks open.

  I glare at her.

  “Sorry,” she says quickly as she runs past, pulling Ryder by the hand behind her.

  I gawk, in awe. They just helped themselves to my room. “Aren’t you supposed to be doing the game?”

  “Dirk gave me the hour off.” She gives me a coy smile, then sobers up. “What’s wrong?”

  Ryder disappears from sight, continuing the rest of the way down.

  “Nothing.” I shake my head.

  “No, something’s wrong.”

  I bite my lip. “It’s Logan.”

  “What about Logan?”

  My gaze goes to the floor. “He proposed to Kat this weekend.”

  Syd’s mouth gapes open. “Oh, Maddy. You have feelings for him.”

  “I don’t.” I swallow hard. “I can’t.”

  She comes and hugs me. “Guys suck sometimes. I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah, well… you warned me.”

  “I…” She looks at her watch. “Crap. I have to go. We’ll talk later, okay? Are you going to be alright?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  She gives me a withering smile, before she leaves, and I disappear into my room, shutting the door. Luckily my bed isn’t messed up, but knowing they were here makes me gag. Everyone is happily in love. Everyone but me.

  ~|~

  The rest of the week is more awkward than the last, and I start counting the days until summer’s end. All I want is to get far away from Logan, and any memory of him, but I have nowhere to go. Home isn’t home for me anymore.

  By the time Friday rolls around, I’m dragging from working double time all week in the kitchen. Me and my pillow have a date Saturday morning, that is if I can sleep. Logan’s created a lot of restless nights for me.

  “Hey,” Syd walks up. “Drumstick, please.”

  I smirk. Did she have to pick that? “Sorry, sold out.”

  “What?”

  I shrug. “It’s popular.” I’d waited all week to tell Logan, but since he was avoiding me, I hadn’t the chance.

  “Okay, then how about a Sandwich ‘O Cream?”

  I swivel around and snag one from the freezer.

  “So, I guess you didn’t hear, yet,” she says as she unwraps the ice cream sandwich.

  “About Kitty?” I say. Unfortunately, her mom took a turn for the worse, and Kitty wasn’t coming back for another week.

  “No, about Kitty’s replacement.”

  I shrug. Of course it wasn’t going to be me. “No. Did they find someone?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So?” I lift my eyebrows in anticipation. “Is it someone I know?”

  “Yes,” she says as she licks the edges of the melting sandwich. “I thought you’d want to hear it from me first.”

  I frown. Who could it possibly be that she needs to warn me. “And?”

  She looks left, then right before she turns to me and deadpans. “Kat. Kat’s filling in.”

  My jaw drops as all the blood in my body sloshes down to my to
es. “You’re shitting me.”

  “Wish I was.”

  I couldn’t breathe, let alone think. My life just went from bad to hell. Kill me now.

  VOLUME THREE

  CHAPTER ONE

  I curl my toes in the warm sand as the soft waves crash in the distance. For the moment, I close my eyes and pretend camp doesn’t exist, that Kat isn’t here, that Logan and I had met under different circumstances.

  “Pretzel for your thoughts.” Syd passes the bag of chocolate covered pretzels.

  I laugh and take a handful. She’d promised that the tasty combination could cure a world of maladies, more so than ice cream. “You’re right. Pretzels and chocolate are a marriage made in heaven. They just need some peanut butter.”

  She pulls out a bag of Peanut Butter M&M’s and throws it at me.

  I laugh and roll over to my back, before tearing into the bag. I might return home with a broken heart, but I’ll be damned if it’s not without a kickass tan—well, wherever I’m living. Tomorrow, I’ll start my diet.

  “Oh my gosh. Look at her.” Syd gestures to a group of girls as they saunter past. They all have their suits riding up their cracks. “I have a nice ass, but that’s straight up tacky.”

  “True.” I flip through my magazine. “I dare you to do it.”

  “What?”

  “Sunbathe with your ass hanging out.”

  “Oh, you mean like this?” She pulls her suit up, so her cheeks hang out. “Am I sexy, or what?”

  “Oh, baby.” I laugh and copy her.

  She nudges me. “Check out three o’clock.”

  I look slyly to the right and gander at three hot guys ogling us. My cheeks flame red hot, and I fix my suit bottoms. “Sydney,” I say between my teeth.

  She busts up laughing and rolls onto her back. “See? You’re hot. You don’t need Gage or Logan to confirm that for you. Some attention is all you need to boost your confidence.”

  Oh, hell no! I’ve been burned twice. No one is allowed inside my wall.

  “Chocolate is what I need.” I pop another M&M in my mouth, savoring the delectable sweetness. “Thank God we don’t have these in the snack shack.”

  “I say you ditch the Drumsticks, well, except order a few for the best friend, and get these instead.”