Big Hard Girls

by Nikki Crescent

  “What’s your rate for ongoing commissions—like a full time gig, sort of thing?” she asked.

  “For you? It’s free,” I said. We ran into my apartment and then I fucked her tight asshole as she lay on my office floor, surrounded by drawings—many of which were of her.

  THE END

  MY WIFE'S NEW PACKAGE

  There’s a new drug on the market called Gendypnol. It’s a revolutionary and controversial drug just for female-to-male transgenders that turns a girl’s lady parts into boy parts with a single dose, followed by a week of nausea and body pains and headaches. Husband and wife, Nick and Rey, think the drug is stupid and dangerous—so they’re naturally mortified when a dose of Gendypnol is accidentally slipped to Rey while she’s battling a cold.

  There’s no reversal drug yet, so Rey is going to have to get used to her new package. Nick is going to have to get used to it as well—and he’ll have to get used to some of the urges that come along with Rey’s new hormones as well.

  CHAPTER I

  It was a late February night and Rey’s annoying friend, Amber, came by the house without warning, which wasn’t unusual. She’d been coming by the house unannounced every two or three days, ever since she broke up with her fiancée—and that was almost two years ago already.

  And she was always coming to deliver the same news, as if Rey and me cared. It was either: “Oh my God, I met this new guy and we’re so in love. We met on Tinder and we had our first date last night. He wants just as many kids as me. Two! Isn’t that crazy?” Or she was there to say, “Oh my God, I’m going to kill myself. He’s not answering my calls. I’ve left him eight messages. Do you think he hates me, or do you think he’s just not getting the messages? Should I try messaging him again? What do you think? I’m just going to do it.”

  After every breakup, there would be a week of more-than-usual visits. Sometimes she was there every day. There was one week where she wouldn’t leave. I went to bed while she was still blabbing away to my wife, and when I woke up, there she was, asleep on my couch. She must have fallen asleep while blabbing off.

  Usually, about a week after every breakup, she would announce her new thing. “I’ve decided I’m going to go to climb Mount Everest. I know, I’ve never climbed a mountain before, but I met this girl at the bar and she said that her aunt did it with no experience. I think I need to do this.” She usually never followed through with her crazy plans. She was always cancelling flights just days after booking them, and quitting radical diets within a week of starting them. “For the rest of my life, I won’t eat anything that came from an animal. I don’t need that stuff in my body,” she once said, two days before ordering the chicken parmesan when she was out with us for dinner.

  My wife had a special ringtone on her phone, just for Amber. We called it the Amber Alert. “Better answer it,” I would say to Rey.

  And sometimes she would say something like, “I’ll just call her in the morning.”

  “No—you have to answer it, or she’ll come over,” I would say.

  “No she won’t. She knows it’s almost midnight.”

  And sure enough, Amber would be at the door, fifteen minutes later—just like she was on that late February night. She didn’t wait for an invite inside after I opened the door. She just walked past me and stomped off her boots with a big smile on her face. “I have great news—huge news. You won’t believe it, but you’re going to be so proud of me,” she said. Rey was in her pyjamas, standing in the kitchen with heavy eyes. We had just been cleaning up before bed when the doorbell rang.

  “What is it, Amber?” Rey asked.

  “Aren’t you going to offer me a drink? Just because I’m your best friend doesn’t mean I’m not a guest.”

  I rolled my eyes and sauntered over to the liquor cabinet. “What can I get you?” I asked with a sigh.

  “A cocktail—something fruity.” I was about to pour her a very simple screwdriver and then she said, “Actually, no. I want the most boyish drink you know how to make.” I stood there for a moment and then I went to the fridge and grabbed a Bud Light. I gently tossed it to her and she caught it with a flinch and a gasp. “Careful!” Then she looked at the can with a slight grimace. But to my surprise she still cracked it and had a sip. She let another grimace slip and then she said, “It’s going to take some getting used to, but I have a feeling I’ll like it. I’m sure I can get into this. Plus it’s cheaper than what I usually drink, so I’ll save money. Maybe I’ll invest that money into international real estate. You know that’s what all of the big players are doing right now: international real estate.”

  Rey politely nodded her sleepy head. “Is that what you came to tell us, Amber?”

  “What’s the matter with you?” Amber said, tilting her head to the side like a confused pug.

  “She’s got a cold. We think she picked it up at the airport the other day,” I said. It was true that Rey had a cold—I just hoped it would be enough to shoo Amber out from our house.

  But Amber didn’t seem to even notice the mention of Rey’s illness. “I have big news—really big news. I’m scared to tell you, but I think you’re going to be so excited. Have you seen the news lately, by the way? Have you seen all that stuff about the gender reassignment pills?”

  “More like circus freak pills,” I said. And then I was surprised by the dirty look I got from Amber.

  “Excuse me? Those pills are going to help thousands of transgender people fit into this world.”

  There was a new product on the pharmaceutical market called Gendypnol. It was a controversial pill women could take. It literally turned their pussies into cocks—with a single pill. The science behind it was confusing. From what I could understand, the pill changed the user’s ovaries into extremely powerful hormone factories, pumping out the same hormone that baby boys get in utero when their little penises are first developing. These hormones were apparently strong enough to turn a pussy into a cock in a matter of days—though I had a hard time believing the result was even slightly convincing, despite what the ads said. “Just look it up on Google!” the guy in the advertisements always shouted at the end of the ads, as if he was selling used cars. But I refused to look it up. I didn’t need to see any nasty pictures of some girl’s mutilated you-know-what.

  “Those pills are going to leave lots of girls with big regrets,” I said. “You know that they can’t reverse it, right?”

  “Why would they need to be able to reverse it?” Amber said, putting her hands on her hips as if she’d just made the greatest argument in the history of the on-going controversy. “These girls want to be boys. It’s not just a phase, Nick.”

  I shook my head. “Well isn’t it something like seventy percent of transgenders who get surgeries regret the decision within three years? Why would these pills be any different?” I said. “I blame the parents. The parents of these poor girls failed to raise their daughters to be happy with the bodies they were given. It’s a travesty, really.”

  “You’re such a bigot,” Amber said, waving me off, probably because she didn’t actually have an argument.

  “What about the pills, Amber?” asked Rey, reeling her back in, trying to get her back on track so she could get back on her way home.

  “Well, I was doing some thinking, and I decided that I’m going to take the pill.” She clasped her hands at her chest and stood with a big smile, as if she was waiting for us to scream, ‘Congratulations!’ But instead, Rey’s mouth dropped open and her face turned even whiter than it was with her cold. “What? Aren’t you guys proud of me? I’m finally coming out. I’ve always wanted to be a man.”

  “Since when?” Rey asked, still with her lips parted.

  “Since always. I mean—I didn’t really know it until recently, but I could always feel it. And now that feeling makes sense.”

  Rey shook her head. Usually my wife indulged Amber in her crazy ideas, but not tonight. Tonight, even Rey thought Amber was off her rocker. “Well thankfully you
need to get a prescription from a doctor. No doctor is ever going to give you that pill—not until you can prove that you’ve wanted this for a very long time.”

  Amber reached into her pocket and pulled out an orange bottle containing a single pill. “I got it today. I literally just told him how I felt and he wrote the prescription.” She shook the bottle, making the pill rattle around. I didn’t care much for Amber, but even I didn’t want her taking that pill. I didn’t want her ruining her life. If she took that pill, then she would really die alone. She would realize within a week that she wanted to be a woman, but it would be too late, so she would be a woman with a cock. Maybe she would get it removed surgically, leaving her with a makeshift hole where her pussy once was.

  “Amber, you cannot take that pill. You’re making a big mistake. Give it to me,” said Rey, trying to approach Amber slowly, as if she was a toddler waving around a loaded gun.

  Amber shook her head and scoffed. “I thought you would understand, Rey. I’m disappointed. It’s 2019. It’s time to be more understanding.”

  “At least wait a couple of weeks. You’ve waited twenty-eight years—another couple of weeks won’t kill you,” said my wife. It was refreshing to hear my wife talking some sense to Amber for once. She was always encouraging her delusions, always playing along with her stupid fantasies, always scorning me whenever I made fun or tore up Amber’s lousy logic.

  “I don’t need to wait a couple of weeks, Rey. I know what I want.”

  “Remember when you thought you wanted to be a pianist? And you went out and bought that piano and signed up for lessons, and I went with you and you spent four hundred dollars on sheet music at that store? And then a week later, you decided you didn’t want to be a pianist.”

  “That was different,” Amber said.

  “How was that different?” Rey asked.

  “I didn’t actually want to be a pianist. I just thought I did.”

  “Listen to yourself,” I said, butting back into the conversation. “You sound psychotic.”

  “Nick—you’re not helping,” my wife said to me. She turned back to Amber. “Just give me the pill, Amber. Spend some time thinking about this. At least go out a few times as a man before you commit to becoming a man for the rest of your life. I’ll go to the mall with you and we can get you a couple of outfits. Maybe we can even go and get your hair cut—but I worry that you’ll even regret that.”

  “If I’m going to do this, I’m going to commit one-hundred percent,” Amber said, taking another sip from her Bud Light. She cringed at the taste again. “I’ve never committed completely to something—that’s why things never work out for me. Now I’m going to commit. I’m going to become a man.”

  “Just let her do it, Rey. Let’s go to bed. I’ve got work in the morning,” I said.

  “No—we aren’t letting her do this. We’re going to talk about it until she realizes she’s making a massive mistake. Sit down at the table, Amber. Nick—get me a drink.” Rey was on a mission. She was exhausted and sniffling and it was almost 1:00 AM, but she was determined to protect her psychotic friend. So I got her a glass of wine and then I sat in the living room while she tried to talk Amber out of her idiotic and permanent idea.

  When Amber finished her Bud Light, she went to the fridge and got a second one. She cracked it open and took a long sip. Then she looked at me and said, “See? I told you it would grow on me. I told you I could be a man.” I tried not to laugh at her idiotic statement.

  Her little pill would give her a pair of testicles and a cock, but it wouldn’t change the size of her small bladder. After her second beer, she was going to the bathroom every ten minutes. A fun fact about women: their bladders are smaller. Women pee more than men, and even if Amber took that pill, that wouldn’t change.

  Rey got up to use the bathroom after Amber’s third visit. “Stay here and make sure she doesn’t take that pill,” she said to me as she walked towards the potty. Amber was looking at me with a big grin.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  “You guys think you can stop me, but you can’t. You’re going to see me as a man in a few days and you’re going to realize that I was right all along.”

  “You think that I’ll be so impressed by your manliness that I’ll agree the pill was a good idea?” I said, making sure I understood her ridiculous statement correctly.

  She nodded her head, and then I heard Rey scream in the bathroom. I sprung to my feet and ran over to see what happened. “Are you okay?”

  Rey was holding up the orange pill bottle. It was empty. “She took the pill—oh my God, she actually took the pill. Amber! Where’s the pill? What did you do with that pill?”

  And suddenly, Amber was standing behind us in the doorway. “I took it. I told you, I want this. I know what I’m doing. I want to be a man.”

  “Make yourself throw up. It’s probably not too late. Stick your fingers down your throat and throw up.” Rey ran up to Amber and grabbed her arms. “Please make yourself throw up.”

  “I’m not going to do that. I should be getting home. Those nasty side effects should be kicking in soon,” she said. “Next time you see me, I’ll be a man.” She looked happier than ever as she sauntered over to our front door—like the newest member of some deranged cult. Her life was essentially over. In a few days, she would officially be a mutilated abomination. And there was nothing we could do to help her.

  CHAPTER II

  My wife’s cold only got worse, thanks in part to Amber’s idiocy. After Amber left, Rey wasn’t able to sleep. She tried calling Amber a few times, but she wouldn’t pick up. Then she paced around the house until about 3:30 AM. “You need to get some sleep, darling,” I said. So she got into the bed, but she couldn’t fall asleep. And there’s nothing worse than getting no sleep when you have a nasty cold.

  She ended up sleeping for an hour at most, and when she woke up, her sniffling was worse than ever before. She had a pounding headache and a body that hurt all over. She took the day off of work. I made her a bed on the couch before heading off to work, and then I left work early, so that I could help Rey out and make her feel more comfortable.

  “This headache is killing me,” she said, pressing her hands firmly against the sides of her head.

  “Did you take any Advil?” I asked.

  “I’ve taken so much Advil,” she said. “I need something stronger.” So I fetched some stronger pills from the back of our medicine cabinet. I gave her two of the pills she got when she had her wisdom teeth removed. “These should help.” And they did help. After an hour, she was able to sleep with a slight smile on her face, and a lot of snot running down from her nose. But at least she was getting some rest.

  Though her cold didn’t get any better. She slept through the night—almost for sixteen straight hours—and then she woke up with another pounding headache, and more body pains. It was around noon the next day when she started throwing up. “Should we go to the doctor?” I asked.

  “It’s just a cold,” she said, but it was worse than any cold she’d ever had before. I gave her a couple more of those powerful wisdom tooth pills, and she conked out for another sixteen hours, only waking up briefly so that she could drag her feet to the bathroom to go pee. The third day of her cold wasn’t any better, and then the fourth day was actually worse. “I’m taking you to the hospital,” I said after she started throwing up what looked like blood. And even though Rey hated hospitals, she agreed to let me take her.

  I had to help Rey from the car into the emergency room, and then I had to help her onto the hospital bed in the tiny curtain room they put us in. I looked at her pale face and I was starting to worry that something was seriously wrong—something much, much worse than a cold. I put my hand on her forehead and it felt like a furnace. The doctor took a long look at her but couldn’t figure out what was wrong. “I’ve seen this before,” he said. “But usually with surgery patients. Sometimes little pieces of gauze get left behind in the body, and then
the body tries to reject the foreign material. But this is even different than that.” He shined a light in her eyes. “Your pupils are dilated, as if you’ve been doing cocaine. And your muscles are all tense, as if you’ve been taking steroids. I’m going to have them take some blood samples and a urine sample.”

  The nurse came by and took Rey’s blood, and then she asked if Rey was okay to get her own urine sample, or if Rey needed help. Rey tried to strain her body up, but she was in too much pain. Her face turned red and she said, “I think I need help.”

  “Don’t be embarrassed,” said the nurse. “I’ve seen everything.”

  So the nurse took her little cup and funnel and then she lifted up Rey’s gown. She paused for a moment and then took a deep breath. “Go ahead and pee,” she said, looking away while holding the funnel and cup between my wife’s legs. So Rey started peeing. There was a long awkward silence. The nurse capped the little cup of pee and then she placed it on her cart. She smiled awkwardly and said, “So how long since you took the pill?”

  “Which pill?” Rey asked.

  “The Gendypnol pill.”

  Rey stared at the nurse for five terrifyingly silent seconds. “I didn’t take a pill,” she said. “I just took a few T3s and some Advil.”

  The nurse was quiet for a moment before saying. “Oh, I’m sorry. On your chart it says you were born female. I know that it seems old-school that we have that there, but it matters for things like drug dosages and whatnot.”

  “I was born female,” Rey said. “What are you on about?”

  “I mean sex, not gender. I’ll admit that I’m not entirely versed in all the lingo. You’re biologically male, correct?”

  Rey was silent and her face was bone-white. “No,” she said carefully. “I was born female, and I’m still a female. I have a four-year-old daughter, who I gave birth to.”