Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight

by Robyn Peterman

  “I can’t hold them back,” Zelda hissed. “They're going to invade Assjacket.”

  “Stay behind us,” Fat Bastard bellowed. “If them slugs spit, let us take it. We’ll send it back and poison them slimy sacks of shit.”

  “Too many and they’re immune to their own poison,” Zach yelled, continuing to pop slugs with fireballs. “Also, this is a bad fucking plan we have going here. They're multiplying. We have to find another way to get rid of them.”

  “Agreed,” I said as I watched the trees stomp as many advancing slugs as they could.

  “Should we make a run for it?” Zelda asked, still zapping away. “At least we can warn people.”

  “We can't let them reach town,” Mac said, squatting down and connecting with the earth. “I’m going to try to open a crater. Willow, tell the trees to back off.”

  “The slugs are everywhere,” Zach said. “Not sure that’s going to work.”

  “What we’re doing now isn’t working,” Zelda pointed out. “May as well try something else.”

  “Trees,” I called out. “Back away. Return to your home.”

  Leaves and pine needles rustled and fell to the ground covering the slugs and slowing their advance. Thousands of the little bastards began to eat the leaves.

  “Look at that,” Zelda said. “Make it happen again, Willow. The leaves are confusing the slugs. They think it’s dinner time.”

  She was right, and I knew exactly how to make a tree shed some leaves. “What was wrong with the tree’s car?” I yelled.

  The trees paused their retreat and leaned toward me.

  “It wooden go!” I told them.

  They shook with laughter and their falling leaves covered more of the venomous slugs.

  It wasn’t destroying them, but it had slowed them down. “How does a tree get on the internet?”

  The trees jiggled with excited anticipation.

  “They log on,” I shouted.

  Again, they rocked with laughter.

  Again, their leaves fell.

  Again, the slugs slowed.

  “Another,” Zach said.

  “On it,” I told him. “How did the elm tree know the fig tree wasn’t looking for anything serious? It asked for no twigs attached.”

  It was spring, but it looked like a fall day as massive amounts of leaves floated through the air and landed the ground.

  “Should I sing?” I asked, not knowing what else to do. Eating would only distract them for so long, and we still didn’t know how to destroy them.

  “Not sure thousands of humping slugs is a good thing,” Zelda said, shaking her head. “But since I don’t have a better idea, go for it. My magic is making it worse.”

  “As is mine,” Zach agreed, snapping his fingers and producing earplugs for all. “Put these in unless you think all of us getting horny is a good plan.”

  “Not a good plan,” Mac said, grabbing a set from Zach and shoving them in his ears. “I like you, but not that much.”

  “Incoming,” Fat Bastard announced at the top of his kitty lungs.

  “What the hell?” Zelda grunted as we all got knocked to the ground by a vicious wall of wind.

  “Today is going seriously shitty,” I muttered, crawling over to Zach and holding onto him, so I didn’t blow away.

  “I love you,” he said. “I love you completely.”

  Even though we were probably going to die shortly, I smiled from ear to ear. “Do you love yourself?”

  “I do—at least I think I do,” he said as the wind grew stronger and his smile grew wider. “I love that we were able to save Zorro. I love that I have a family. I’m proud to have avenged those who died at the hand of Henrietta Smith even though it seems to have ended in a deadly slug infestation. I finally believe that I deserve Fabio and Zelda. I believe I deserve you because I’m a good guy. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy the way you make me happy.”

  “That's adorable, Brother, but the rest of your lives might only be about five minutes if we don't come up with a new plan,” Zelda yelled over the roar of the wind.

  “I don’t care,” I said, hugging Zach hard. “I love you and no matter how much time we have together, it’s perfect. I will love you in this life and in the Next Adventure.”

  “Would someone like to tell me what in the Goddess’s gauchos is going on here?” a gorgeous woman demanded as she appeared in a blast of shimmering light.

  “Oh fuckballs,” Zelda muttered under her breath. “I didn’t think this day could get worse.”

  “Apparently, it can,” Mac added.

  Even though it was dark and cloudy, the woman’s radiance was almost blinding. I had to shield my eyes from the glare.

  She was stunning in an otherworldly way and seemed somewhat off her rocker. She stood at least six feet tall and had a figure that belonged to a Barbie doll, perky big boobs and a teeny tiny waist. Clad in army fatigues and combat boots, her attire didn’t match her femininity. Tons of thick, curly, rainbow-colored hair framed her breathtaking face. With beautiful black skin and sparkling silver eyes, she was unlike any other being I’d come across in the Universe.

  I had no clue who she was, but she seemed to know who we were.

  “Get up off the ground,” she commanded in a frightening tone.

  She snapped her fingers and the winds halted. Glancing around, she wrinkled her nose in disgust when she saw the slugs. Holy crap, this woman might not be aware of the poisonous venom. She definitely seemed dangerous but dying for being scary seemed a little harsh.

  Hopping to my feet, I dashed over and yanked her to relative safety.

  “May I ask what you’re doing?” she demanded as her silver eyes narrowed dangerously and I heard Zelda choke on her own spit.

  “Sorry,” I said nervously. “It’s just that you were kind of close to the slugs and they spit venom. I… umm… didn’t want you to die.” My voice trailed off as the woman’s eyes began to shoot sparks.

  “Excuse me for a moment,” she said as she walked about twenty feet away then threw a fit like I’d never witnessed in my life.

  The woman spewed out some rather vile profanities and was now dancing around like she had a colony of fire ants in her pants—branches were falling and rocks were flying. Ducking, I grabbed Zelda with a look of terror in my eyes. Zach and Mac immediately huddled with us. However, the cats watched and laughed like felines with a death wish. The woman was insane and so were the cats.

  “Who is that?” I asked Zelda.

  “Fate.”

  “Oh my Goddess,” I choked out. “I just pissed off Fate?”

  “Possibly,” Zelda said with a shudder. “But I think that’s her being happy.”

  “That’s happy?” I asked, shocked. “She’s like a shitstorm on steroids.”

  “You got that right,” Zelda agreed. “You definitely don’t want to see her when she’s mad.”

  “How do we stop this? That crazy freak is going to level Assjacket and kill all of us if she keeps going,” I hissed. I couldn't believe the slug infestation was now the least of our worries where the town was concerned.

  “Not a clue,” she said. “Normally, Fate just has to work it out. Although, she’s gonna cause an avalanche at the rate she’s gyrating.”

  Since I was probably going to die today anyway, I had nothing to lose. This was ridiculous. At least the slugs had paused their attack to watch Fate unravel.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” I shouted over the noise. “You will stop behaving like a whack job on crack right now.”

  “Or what?” Fate demanded, pausing to see what I was going to do.

  “Umm… or nothing,” I said, exasperated. “It’s been a really bad day, and we’re probably about to bite it. So, this just isn’t working for me.”

  “Okay,” Fate said, striding back over like nothing was out of the ordinary.

  “I can’t fucking believe that worked,” Zelda whispered.

  “Neither can I,” I whispered b
ack.

  “Who are you?” Zach demanded, eyeing the woman.

  “It’s Fate,” Mac said with a curt nod of respect to the nutjob in question. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

  “He meant displeasure,” Zelda chimed in.

  “Ahhh, if it’s not the soon to be Baba Yaga,” Fate said, eyeing Zelda with a smirk.

  “And if it’s not the winner of the Toddler Tantrum of the Universe,” Zelda shot back. “Why are you here? And PS, we don’t have much time. Kind of trying to figure out how to off the slugs and live to see tomorrow.”

  “I came to see my investment,” Fate said coolly, crossing her arms over her chest and stomping her foot. “Wanna see where my money went.”

  “You’re the investor?” Zach asked, confused. “You’re the one who put two hundred thousand into the Assjacket Community Theatre?”

  “Yep,” she said as the cats waddled over and sat at her feet. “I just loved the musical version of The Silence of the Lambs. Sooooo realistic. I want to see my show or I’m going to throw a fit.”

  “Like the one you just threw?” Zach asked as neutrally as he could.

  “That was not a fit,” Fate said. “That was a warmup.”

  “Your money is in the bank,” I told her quickly, keeping my eye on the deadly slugs who were done with their snack and on the move again. “Sassy ate the check and… well, never mind. Suffice it to say we can pay you back every cent.”

  “Don’t want my money back,” Fate said, looking like she was on the verge of leveling the state of West Virginia. “I want to see a show.”

  “Now?” I asked.

  “Right now,” she replied.

  I turned to Zach with wide eyes. He shrugged and then went for it. “It’s Jaws—the musical,” he explained. “Mac is the umm… shark.”

  “That’s right,” Mac said, wildly confused.

  Zach blew out a relieved sigh that Mac had played along. “Normally, Mac would wear pink assless leather chaps, but since we’re not at the theatre we’ll have to go without costumes.”

  “Thank the Goddess for that,” Mac said.

  “No worries,” Fate said with a wicked little grin. She wiggled her fingers and Mac’s ass was now on display for the world in pink leather assless chaps.

  Zelda slapped her hands over her mouth and tried not to laugh. She failed. I laughed, too, but swallowed it when I noticed the slugs were getting dangerously close.

  Crap.

  “I’m the sheriff. I’ll be playing the role as a man,” I said quickly. “Zach is the marine biologist played as a woman, and Zelda is the captain. She’ll be performing the captain as a hermaphrodite.”

  “Are you serious?” Zelda shouted, appalled.

  “Completely,” I hissed, nodding my head toward the advancing slugs.

  Fate clapped her hands. I was now in a sheriff’s uniform. Zach was in a lab coat and a speedo and Zelda was wearing a potato sack and weathered yacht cap. I was unsure how a potato sack represented a hermaphrodite sea captain, but I wasn’t about to ask.

  “What about the set?” Fate asked.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, getting frantic.

  “Doesn’t Jaws take place on a lake in a boat?” Fate inquired as the cats started to chuckle.

  Mac was going to die in pink leather assless chaps. I was going to die looking like Roy Scheider. Zach was going to bite it in a speedo. And Zelda was going to the Next Adventure in a sack that held carbs.

  “Actually,” I said. “Jaws doesn’t take place on a lake. It takes place…” I gasped and almost passed out.

  Zach steadied me while inching the group away from impending death. If the slugs didn’t kill us, Fate might.

  Fate watched me closely and with great interest. Her brows were raised, and a small smile pulled at her lips.

  “Will you create the set I ask for?” I inquired as Sassy’s and Fabio’s comments from earlier bounced in my head and smacked me in the brain.

  “Ready?” Fabio asked, looking at both of his children with pride. “It’s time to salt some slugs.”

  “They’re slugs,” Sassy said, digging through the applesauce frantically just in case they had shifted and hidden. “They probably shifted and slithered out. Too bad applesauce isn’t salted. That would have shown them.”

  Fate’s smile was positively wicked. “Depends on what you ask for.”

  My mind raced. Could it be that simple? I mean, it would be seriously gross… but so very simple. It could also wash away Assjacket, but I somehow didn’t think that was Fate’s plan.

  “Do you see the future?” I demanded.

  “I might,” Fate replied cryptically.

  “Do you control it?” I pressed as Zach, Mac and Zelda watched the exchange with confusion.

  “Nope,” she said, enjoying the game. “I only see it. I don’t decide it. You do, dryad.”

  Bingo.

  “Jaws the Musical takes place on the ocean. A SALTWATER ocean,” I yelled.

  “As you wish,” Fate said with a cackle.

  “Brilliant,” Zach yelled. “How did we not think of that?”

  “Shit,” Zelda yelled. “We’re idiots.”

  “Almost dead idiots,” Mac added.

  “Almost but not quite,” Fat Bastard shouted. “I didn’t think youse dumbasses would ever come up with it.”

  “You knew?” Zelda snapped at her cats.

  “Hell to the no,” Fat Bastard said with an eye roll. “Youse think I would have embedded my fine ass in dat woman’s smelly mouth if I knew how to off her? I meant that when dis hot piece of woman called Fate is involved, everything usually turns out fine.”

  Fate winked at Fat Bastard and snapped her fingers. A saltwater ocean gushed into the valley.

  “We're going to need a bigger boat. Or at least a hole to put the ocean in,” Mac said with a whistle. He dropped to his knees and opened the earth. It filled with the salty water along with the screaming and disintegrated slugs. It was a symphony to my ears.

  The dark clouds disappeared, and the sun shone brightly. The Goddess was pleased.

  And Mae Blockinschlokinberg would never harm anyone again.

  Calling back the trees, I silently asked for a border so the ocean didn’t flow into Assjacket. They obeyed without question and giggled the entire time.

  “We’re going to live,” Zach shouted joyously, grabbing me and kissing me senseless.

  “And I’m not going to bite it in a butt-ass ugly sack and a shitty captain's hat,” Zelda sang, dancing around as the slugs withered away shrieking in agony.

  “Yet somehow, I’m still wearing pink leather assless chaps,” Mac pointed out, shaking his head.

  “And I’m still waiting for my show,” Fate informed us.

  She clapped her hands. A chair, a supersized box of popcorn and a bottle of bourbon appeared. She sat down, crossed her long legs and raised a brow.

  “Are you serious?” Zelda demanded with an eye roll.

  “Completely,” she said. “Start acting, witch.”

  “If Sassy was here, she’d wax your sorry ass,” Zelda grumbled.

  “What was that?” Fate asked in a tone that made everyone run to get into places for a show we’d never rehearsed with a cast who wasn’t even in the show.

  Zelda wasn’t a dummy. “I said if Sassy was here, she’d umm… tax your safari gas.”

  Or maybe she was a dummy.

  Fate tapped her toe and checked her diamond-studded watch. “I’m waiting.”

  “On three?” Zach suggested with a pained expression that made me giggle.

  “What the hell are we supposed to do?” Mac asked, bewildered.

  “Wing it,” Zelda told him. “We’ve all seen Jaws, right?”

  Everyone nodded and started laughing.

  “One,” Zelda said.

  “Two,” I chimed in.

  Zach was still laughing. It was beautiful. He was finally free. Well, after the performance, he would be.

  “Th
ree,” he said.

  And we gave Fate her show.

  It sucked. The cats booed us, and Zelda zapped the shit out of them. Mac made up a song about needing a bigger boat, and Zach and I grunted like kidneys and bowels. Sadly, Zorro wasn’t here to pole dance and Sassy couldn’t sing in German, but in the end, it was… awful. Awful and awfully beautiful.

  Thankfully, Fate felt like she’d gotten her money’s worth and decided to let the Assjacket Community Theatre keep her investment for the next show.

  As the crazy immortal woman stood to leave, I marched right over to her and threw my arms around her. If she had another tantrum, so be it. I heard Zach gasp and Zelda squeak in horror. Mac groaned and the cats backed away. I didn’t care. My guess was that not too many people showed Fate any affection—and with good reason. She was really scary.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. “You saved us.”

  “You’re wrong,” she said, patting my back awkwardly. “I don’t create destiny, child. I just know it.”

  “We wouldn’t have figured it out,” I insisted, hugging the dangerous woman tighter. “Without you, we’d be goners and so would all of Assjacket. You’re wonderful.”

  “That’s a given,” she said, extracting herself from my hold and eyeing me with amusement. “I’m fabulous.”

  I nodded and laughed.

  “And since I’m so freaking amazing,” Fate said with a grin that made me uncomfortable. “I’m putting in a request.”

  “For?” I asked, terrified.

  “The next Assjacket Community Theatre show,” she replied silkily.

  “Shit,” I heard Zach mutter.

  “Fuck,” Zelda added.

  “Shaun of the Dead told through interpretive dance,” Fate announced much to everyone’s semi-delighted surprise.

  “I love that movie,” Zach said with a grin.

  “Lots of opportunities for the audience to get mamboed by zombies,” Zelda pointed out with a wince.

  “Makes it exciting,” Fate insisted. “Interactive cannibalistic theatre is invigorating.”

  “Says the freak that won’t have to heal all the Shifters who lose their limbs,” Zelda said.

  Fate slapped her hands on her hips and prepared to throw a fit. “Do we have a deal?”