Life Pushes You Along: A woman-loving-woman romance novella

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  “Perhaps I should start with asking if you already have a CV?” Rebecca said, while tucking the newspaper back into the briefcase.

  “Well, no. I wrote down some facts and dates but I don’t know exactly what a CV should look like. Sorry.”

  “Please don’t apologize. I have seen some awful CVs and would rather have us create one from scratch than try to fix a bad one. Thank you for coming prepared with all the details and dates.”

  She looked up at Zoe and gave her a quick smile. It flashed past so rapidly that Zoe almost got whiplash trying to absorb it before it was gone.

  “Right, unless you are applying for certain jobs, like government or academic positions where they want you to fill out their specific forms, you will need a CV. And we will make sure you have a strong one.”

  Rebecca closed her briefcase with a distinct snap and put it to the side. She sat up straighter, popped her knuckles with precise little clicks and locked eyes with Zoe.

  “Your friend Helen intimated that you had been at Darren’s Book Nook for quite a while?”

  “Uh, yeah. Since I was eighteen, actually. My parents kicked me out when I was seventeen and my life broke down. I stayed in my brother’s flat until my savings ran out, then I got the job at Darren’s a few days after my 18th birthday,” Zoe replied before she had time to scold herself for oversharing.

  Rebecca made a face that Zoe couldn’t interpret.

  Ending the rapidly growing silence, Rebecca said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine any good reason for parents to throw their children out.”

  Zoe felt that familiar feeling, the one that everyone who had to come out of the closet got when they had to tell a new person that they were anything other than heterosexual and cis-gendered. That feeling, which had been a strong dread at the start of her out-of-closet life and now had simmered down to a pang of uncertainty. You never knew how people would react or how they would treat you from then on.

  Today, that feeling was worse than normally. This was Rebecca Clare. The woman that Zoe wanted so desperately to get to know and keep in her life. Should she change the topic or just wave away the indirect invitation to tell all? Would that seem like she had something to hide? Or seem rude?

  Realising that she had been quiet for too long and had to say something, Zoe decided to take the plunge and be honest.

  “My mum is from Ireland and my dad is from Cameroon, both strict Catholics. That meant that they weren’t too happy about me coming-out as a lesbian. My brother, Jamie, who you met, stood by me and they never forgave him for that. But they at least talk to him, which is more than they do with me.”

  Zoe cleared her throat. “But never mind that. The best revenge is living well, right? A new job would do that reeeeeally nicely.”

  Rebecca looked stunned, then furious. But she quickly got her features in order.

  “Of course. I gather that this is a painful subject so we’ll leave it there. I just have to say that parents, no matter what their beliefs are, should never abandon their child, and I’m terribly sorry that it happened to you. As you say, we will focus on fixing the part of your life that we can fix – your career.”

  Zoe was happy that Rebecca had understood the hint of warning in her voice and moved on to safer topics, but she couldn’t help wonder if it would have been smarter to keep Rebecca talking to see what her views on LGBTQIA+ people were, and more importantly, if she might be one of them. But they were back to business now, as it should be.

  Rebecca booted up her MacBook and brought up some CV templates. Zoe tried to give them her full attention, ignoring the smell of Rebecca’s alluring perfume and the memory of the angry, almost protective, glint in Rebecca’s eyes as she told her what her parents had done.

  Chapter 10

  Zoe

  A week had passed and now it was Saturday again. Zoe’s CV had been finished last week; her school and work experiences were quickly jotted down, polished, and expanded upon as much as possible. Rebecca had also recommended that they include other parts of Zoe’s life, suggesting that they brand Zoe’s helping the neighbours arrange their Sunday coffee mornings as volunteer work. In short, the CV was as primped and filled out as it could be and looked surprisingly professional to Zoe’s eyes.

  Now came the question of what to do with it.

  Now was the time to start looking at what jobs were around.

  Now, it was all starting to feel horribly real that Zoe was leaving her old job and getting a new one.

  Technically, it had been Zoe’s shift at the bookshop this weekend but when she had offered to do some of the crappier jobs throughout the week, Darren had quickly agreed to switch.

  Thinking about Darren made Zoe come up with a question. She lowered her voice, not wanting to disturb the old men reading their newspapers and the middle-aged woman who was reading a magazine in, what looked to Zoe, one of the Asian languages.

  “When should I tell Darren I’m leaving? Should I tell him I’m looking for work?”

  Rebecca seemed to think about that for an inordinate amount of time.

  “That depends on your relationship with him. If you know he wants the best for you both, then tell him and he has time to look for a replacement and can support you in your search. If you think he’ll take your leaving badly and be vindictive, then you might want to wait until you are ready to hand in your notice,” she replied in an equally hushed voice.

  Zoe chewed her lip. “He does get really livid when a supplier snubs him or a customer he likes leaves. I don’t think he’s gonna take this news well.”

  Rebecca held out her hands in a say-no-more gesture. “Then I suggest you wait, but the decision is yours in the end.”

  “And if he gets fuming because I didn’t tell him earlier?”

  “Then he is in the wrong. You have no obligation to tell him before your notice period, and he must realise that if he had a better attitude, you might have confided in him,” Rebecca stated calmly.

  Zoe tried to look nonchalant but clearly her continued worry was all over her face because Rebecca added, “Just remember that this is Britain; it’s illegal for him to straight up give you a bad reference. However, most employers know how to phrase neutral statements to send the message about a bad employee to the next employer. Treat him as fairly as you can and give him more warning if you want to. But don’t let him punish you during your last period of work.”

  Zoe gave a tight nod. Rebecca placed her hand over Zoe’s on the table sending Zoe’s heart into overdrive.

  “Your concern isn’t about how he treats you, is it? It’s about doing the right thing.”

  Zoe looked down at the table and fidgeted in her seat. “Yeah, it is. I don’t want to be a prick.”

  Rebecca slowly withdrew her hand and Zoe felt like hers was tingling where it had been touched.

  “Then go ahead and tell him,” Rebecca said.

  Zoe thought about it, letting Darren’s angry, red face flash through her mind.

  “I will. But later, right now it’s all pie in the sky, you know? If I get called for an interview anywhere, I’ll tell him.”

  “That sounds more than fair. Right, should we start looking for jobs, then?”

  Rebecca indicated her MacBook. Zoe nodded in response.

  “Now, if you aren’t too picky about what jobs you want, I suggest we sign you up to a few agencies and they will contact you if they have an employer who needs you. If you want to be a bit pickier, we will start checking the usual websites.”

  “I think we can go with picky, right now. I’d like to try getting bookstore jobs, if possible. I know they are far and few between but—”

  Rebecca held up her left hand, Zoe quickly noted that there was no wedding ring.

  “Say no more. You have a job so it’s not like you are desperate, you can afford to shop around and wait for something appropriate to pop up. I’ve asked around and been told that we should check the big chains first, they rarely use agencies and they
seem to advertise on their own websites. Independent shops, well, that is a different kettle of fish. But we’ll figure it out.”

  “Okay, I’m fine with the big chains. I’ve tried an independent shop, after all.”

  “That’s true. Do you want it to be in Queenswell or are you prepared to keep commuting?”

  Zoe smiled. “This is Greater London. Everyone commutes, right? I’m always willing to travel; it gives me time to read.”

  Rebecca returned the smile and Zoe felt a warmth in her suddenly breathless chest. Get a hold of yourself, she berated herself.

  Rebecca brought up the website of the biggest chain of bookstores in the UK and drilled it down to branches in Greater London.

  Without thinking it through, Zoe leaned in closer to the screen to get a better view. This obviously meant that she could smell Rebecca’s complex perfume and feel the warmth radiating off her well-dressed body. Zoe died a little inside. She had to fight not to groan at the stupidity of getting so close to someone she was meant to be platonic with. She was also fighting not to moan at the closeness of this unobtainable goddess.

  She clenched her fists and tried to focus only on the screen.

  They kept looking, deciding that she was underqualified for all the jobs in the bigger bookstore chains as most of them seemed to be on a managerial level.

  “I can’t imagine ever being a manager,” Zoe said with a grimace.

  “Oh, it’s not so bad. You grow into it. Some people are natural leaders and others, like me, have to learn to become one.”

  Zoe looked away from the screen and right at Rebecca’s face. The little lines beside her eyes were barely visible when she wasn’t smiling and Zoe had the absurd feeling of missing them.

  “You mean you weren’t always this…” Zoe trailed off, trying to find the words. Obviously in charge? Calmly dominant? Imposing? Bloody smashing?

  Rebecca smiled at her and suggested, “Bossy?”

  “Confident,” Zoe corrected, while letting her cheeky grin match Rebecca’s.

  Rebecca’s smile didn’t fade, it just turned playful. “Ah. No, I wasn’t always this confident. I went for a senior post when I was in my mid-thirties and I was terrified. I worried about not getting the job but even more than that, I worried about getting it and failing miserably at it.”

  She paused to tighten the ponytail that her copper hair was confined in today. Zoe wasn’t sure it had needed to be tightened and took the gesture as a reflex or stalling technique. She was trying so hard to learn how to read this woman.

  Returning her hands to the table, Rebecca continued speaking.

  “I have always been able to make people listen to me. Mainly because I naturally seem to exude some form of calm, which others take for confidence. But calling the shots and knowing the full weight of the decisions resting on my shoulders, that took some getting used to. I almost developed an ulcer in the first six months.”

  “But then it got better?”

  “Yes. I knew by then that any mistakes could usually be mopped up and that I wasn’t alone, I had colleagues and superiors to assist and advise me when things got thorny. I’m a firm believer in aiming high and then adjusting to the altitude when you get up there, but I know that isn’t for everyone.”

  “No, it really isn’t,” Zoe said with a faked shudder. It earned her a smile, which spurred Zoe to keep talking.

  “So, you just started climbing in the company and never looked back?”

  “Actually, I’ve switched companies three times since then. Each time going for a higher level of position. But yes, it’s been solid work and new challenges ever since.”

  Zoe saw her chance and took it. “Sounds busy. Doesn’t your family mind?”

  Rebecca looked uncomfortable for a moment and Zoe was sure that she had overstepped and ruined the more personal chat they finally had going.

  “I see my parents every Sunday and my sister lives down in Cornwall, so no. They don’t really mind.”

  No partner. There was no mention of a partner. Zoe fought to keep her features neutral and not celebratory. She was so pleased with her detective work that it didn’t even occur to her that she could be gifted with more details, but, as Rebecca kept talking, it seemed to be her lucky day.

  Rebecca cleared her throat. “It has wreaked havoc with relationships, of course. Usually because men are threatened by me making more money than them and often women want to settle down and have children. The latter has never been at the top of my priority list.”

  Zoe felt like time just stopped. Screw that, she felt like the whole world had just stopped. Rebecca Clare had just dropped the bomb that she had been in relationships with women. Zoe hoped that her exterior was calm and unaffected because inside, she had strobing lights, a disco ball, and Celebration by Kool and the Gang playing loud.

  “Oh,” Zoe managed to croak out.

  “Enough about me. I’ve just thought of a big chain of bookshops. I forgot about them because I think of them as mainly doing stationery. But they sell books, so let’s check their website,” Rebecca stated.

  There could be no arguing with her tone of voice.

  Zoe nodded, trying to quiet Kool and the Gang and focus. It took her almost ten minutes of being dazed and happy, and wondering if she should sneak away and tell Helen, before Zoe was back in the room and engaged in checking out the website on the screen. She even managed to sound normal when she agreed that the IT specialist they needed for the Richmond office was not for her.

  Rebecca’s phone buzzed and drew angry looks from the others in the library’s reference room. A man holding a giant book, which seemed to be pictures of birds, even shushed her. Rebecca whispered an apology before leaving the room to take the call outside.

  When she was alone, Zoe sneaked out her phone and quickly texted Helen to say,

  Holy fudgeballs, Hel! She’s bisexual! Or maybe pansexual? Either way, she’s into women. Woohoo!

  Then she sat back, in such a good mood that she even smiled at the grumpy guy with the bird reference book.

  After a few minutes, Rebecca came back.

  “Sorry about that. That was a friend asking if I wanted to play squash this afternoon.”

  Zoe felt a pang of guilt. “Oh. Do you wanna go? I don’t want to monopolise your entire Saturday.”

  “No, she always wins and it’s getting tiresome. I’d rather be job hunting, to be honest.”

  Zoe realised that she was probably not hiding her relief very well. “Okay, cool. So, what’s next? Check Gumtree?”

  “I wouldn’t recommend it. You can find some good jobs on there but I’ve heard horror stories about dishonest employers and near-slave-labour. We should stick to the normal channels, I think. I feel like I have a responsibility to make sure this is a pleasant experience for you.”

  “Please don’t feel responsible. You are just helping me out. It’s my life. I’m the one who got myself into this rut and I’m the one who has to get myself out. You’re just showing me where the ladder is. Or something like that.”

  Rebecca gave a muted little laugh. “So, you are openly admitting that you are stuck in a rut?”

  “Uh, yeah.” Zoe tapped her fingertips on the table, she hadn’t done that since she was in school and about to have a test.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “No, you weren’t prying. It was a normal question.”

  “Then may I be bold and ask you why you ended up in that rut? Or would you prefer if we go back to the job search?”

  Zoe didn’t want the chat to end. She had a chance to get to know Rebecca here, but that meant facing up to some ugly truths.

  “I guess… I was scared. I was mediocre in school and then I had my parents tell me that I was a deviant and would end up dying in the gutter before dropping head-first in the fiery pits of hell. I was on my own, sleeping on my brother’s sofa. Jamie had just moved away from home and didn’t have much money, so he couldn’t help me. I had to rely on myself
and I felt like I… failed on that front.”

  “Failed? How so?”

  Zoe thought it over, trying to piece the subconscious thoughts and unpleasant reasons into a few neat and sensible sentences.

  “I got a job, but just because Darren can’t stand it when people cry. And, if I’m honest, because he guessed that I’d do anything to keep the job. I didn’t get it because I was good at something. And then I got a flat that’s got paper-thin walls and a tiny bathroom. I never tried anything else, because I felt like this was all I could achieve. Why aim for more?”

  Rebecca shook her head. “With all due respect, I think you are seeing what happened in the wrong way. Most people, if they were thrown out and traumatized in their teens, would have just curled into a little ball and needed help from the council or the Samaritans. You managed to get yourself a job and a place to live, and quite quickly at that. And let’s face it, working in an independent bookstore in London is a dream job for many people. It could have been much worse. You did extremely well, Zoe.”

  Zoe chewed her lip and then stopped, realising that the gesture might make her look younger. That was the last thing she wanted right now. But the feeling in her chest made her feel very young. Very young and very vulnerable.

  Rebecca tilted her head. “Want to go back to the job search?”

  “Yes, please,” Zoe croaked out.

  Chapter 11

  Zoe

  Saturday finally came around. The week had dragged like treacle. Zoe had been preoccupied at the bookshop, her mind brimming with thoughts of getting a new job and with spending more time with Rebecca.

  She couldn’t hide from herself that she had become even more fond of Rebecca as they spent more time together. When she looked at Rebecca now, she saw more than the impressive businesswoman who would make her melt into a puddle of swooning goo. She was slowly but surely getting to know Rebecca and she liked what she was finding. There was kindness under the confidence. Zoe had seen traces of that before, but worried it was just politeness. There was also an unexpected sense of humour that only came out by slipping through the cracks of the well-assembled façade.