Life Pushes You Along: A woman-loving-woman romance novella

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  “We? You don’t need to help me. This is not a chilled out search for the perfect job anymore. I just need to get out there and find a pay check asap. I’ll probably just apply for a job in a fish-and-chip shop or something,” Zoe said.

  Rebecca stopped next to where Zoe sat and leaned down so they were at the same eye level. She reached her hand out as if to touch Zoe’s face and then retracted it immediately as though she was about to be burned.

  “If that is what you want, of course. I do believe you can get a job nearer your sector in a manageable amount of time but, either way, I’d like to help you. I know you feel like you’re wasting my time but I thought I had explained that I enjoy spending time with you. I mean, I enjoy helping you.”

  Zoe met her gaze, her eyes locking with a determined pair of blue-green ones. She watched as the light made the two colours blur into a deep turquoise. Rebecca was so close and she was clearly not going to move until she was sure that Zoe had understood her sincerity. Rebecca’s presence was, as always, a magnetic pull and Zoe couldn’t look away even if she had wanted to.

  She was desperate to know what Rebecca was thinking. It was obvious that Rebecca cared but what were her feelings when it came to the two of them? Did she see Zoe as a pet project, as a friend, as someone to mentor or, even worse, were her feelings somehow maternal?

  Suddenly the clock on the wall seemed to be ticking unnaturally loud. It sounded like a countdown. Every tick bringing her closer to what had to happen. To action.

  She felt bone-tired from all the emotional turmoil and her panic but there was a manic energy that wouldn’t let her relax. A survival instinct or adrenaline rush perhaps. She had gone from the most unnerving confrontation of her life, not counting when her parents threw her out, to rushing straight towards the woman who terrified and thrilled her. She had truly tested her nerves and her heart.

  And now here she was. So close to Rebecca. Driving herself crazy with trying to figure out what Rebecca was feeling without having to ask and endanger their fragile new friendship.

  The ticking was stressing her out, making her heart race. She couldn’t shake the feeling of a countdown. But to what? To running away? To asking Rebecca what her intentions were? To blurt out her own attraction?

  Zoe’s palms were sweaty. She knew it had only been a handful of seconds since Rebecca had last spoken and they hadn’t been locked like this for long. It just felt like it. It felt like the painful rush of her heart and the ticking of that damned clock had been plaguing her for hours.

  She couldn’t stand it. The whole day had been too much and she knew that she was dangerously close to snapping. She didn’t want to start crying in front of Rebecca. Or shouting. Or laughing hysterically.

  She wished she was one of those calm, collected people who knew how to control themselves. But she was sensitive and emotional and completely out of her depth in so many ways.

  And she couldn’t control herself.

  And the clock ticked down the seconds.

  And if she didn’t do something, she would scream.

  And she was so lonely and she needed…

  Needed…

  She made a sound somewhere between a whimper and a sob and pushed her face forwards to connect her lips with Rebecca’s. She kissed her again and again, letting her lips meet Rebecca’s warm mouth in every way she could. She had no idea what she was doing or if Rebecca was reciprocating. She was all instinct and panic.

  And then her brain caught up with her and she realised what she had just done. She moved away from Rebecca, whispered an “I’m so sorry” and got up so fast she knocked her chair to the floor.

  She ran out of the room, down the stairs and, when she got to the turnstile, she jumped over it and sprinted out to the street. She ran until the sensible voice in her head ceased screaming at her for ruining all her chances with Rebecca. Until it stopped asking her if that had been some form of sexual assault. Until it stopped saying anything at all.

  When she stopped, she was by a set of traffic lights on a major road, in a part of town she didn’t recognize and she was drenched in sweat. She also realised that she was crying.

  She leaned against the building closest and let herself drop down into a sitting position, hoping that no one would come over and ask if she was okay. She couldn’t face strangers right now.

  She took out her phone and rang Jamie.

  Chapter 14

  Zoe

  Zoe still felt dazed, almost numb. She was sitting on Jamie’s sofa and watching Helen storm in and take her coat off.

  Jamie was in the kitchen making tea, which he had been doing for the last fifteen minutes. Proving that he was hiding and freaking out.

  Having hung up her outerwear, Helen sat down next to Zoe.

  “Jamie told me everything over the phone. I can’t believe Darren did that to you. I feel like going over there and kicking him in the knackers!”

  “Never mind him. He’s a wanker and I’m better off far away from him. I just need to get a new job. Any job. I don’t care what I have to do or what hours I have to work. Right now, I’m more worried about… the Rebecca situation.”

  Helen scratched her neck. “Well yeah, that is tricky. But I don’t think you should downplay the job thingy. You know what the job market is like right now. Finding something won’t be easy.”

  “Helen! Will you let me freak out about one disaster at a time?”

  Helen held her hands out in a calming gesture. “Sure, I just wasn’t sure that this was the most pressing of your two disasters. But hey, whatever you need, love.”

  There was nothing Zoe could think to say, words seemed so inadequate. She let herself lean towards Helen on the sofa until her forehead was on Helen’s shoulder. Helen put her arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug.

  “Hey, it’ll be okay. We’ll find a way to help you with both the work thing and the Rebecca thing.”

  Zoe just hummed into Helen’s shoulder, not wanting to commit to that sort of confidence. They sat like that for a while and listened to Jamie moving cups around in the kitchen. Zoe knew that he wasn’t the kind of bloke that minded talking about emotions or freaked out when seeing people cry; he saw a lot of that while working for the council. She assumed that her current situation was so weird that even he didn’t know what to say or do.

  She felt Helen giggle and grunted out, “What’s so funny?”

  “Was she wearing lipstick? When we met her she was wearing this really vibrant maroon lipstick and I’m afraid I’ve got this image of her standing in a posh meeting room with lipstick smeared and eyes the size of saucers.”

  “Stop giggling. It wasn’t funny. I might have breached the rule of certain consent; you know how important that is. And no, I didn’t smear her lipstick. She was wearing some, I think, but the kiss wasn’t involved enough to mess up her makeup. I didn’t make out with her or anything!”

  “Okay, okay, sorry. I was just trying to break the tension. I know how important consent is. Look, for what it’s worth… Jamie said that she told you she wanted to spend time with you. That in combination with all the subtle flirting and all the hints she’s been dropping, I think she’s into you. So, it’s really likely that she wanted to be kissed.”

  “But ‘likely’ isn’t good enough, Helen. If we’re wrong – I attacked her.”

  “The whole situation is a bit of a mess. But the kiss was a weird panic reaction and not some predator move. Just call her and explain that.”

  Zoe groaned into Helen’s sweater-clad shoulder. “No way. I can’t imagine she would ever want to hear from me again. I’m going to leave her alone.”

  She heard Jamie’s footsteps coming in from the kitchen and felt Helen’s head raise. She knew that they must be making eye contact over her head but was not sure what that was conveying. Pity? Confusion? Judgement? She had to say something to stop them from looking at each other.

  “I just don’t know how my life got into such a mess in one day. I was
fine before. I had a dull but steady job, and safe daydreams about an unobtainable older woman. I was doing okay.”

  Helen sighed and said, “No, love, you weren’t. You were standing in one place, letting everything pass you by. Here’s the thing, Zoe. If you do nothing, if you settle and then just stay dormant, stay still… then life pushes you along. It might not be a nice push. It might be a shove or a kick up the arse, but life pushes you along.”

  “Life didn’t flippin’ push me along. You and Jamie did.”

  “Yeah, and if we hadn’t, something else would have happened. You would have gotten ill, won the lottery, been struck by lightning, started dating someone, or Darren’s Book Nook would have gone under. Humans aren’t made to just stay still; life happens and pushes you along. This time, it just used me and Jamie to do it.”

  “Very philosophical, Hel. I’m too tired for this though. I want to go home, have a hot shower, and go to sleep.”

  “You sure? It’s really early and you didn’t drink your tea,” said Jamie, with a mug in his hand.

  “Screw my tea. I’m having a shot of vanilla vodka before the shower and then another one just before bed. You drink the tea.”

  She saw Helen and Jamie exchange glances. Jamie put the tea down and kissed his sister on the crown of her head.

  “I’ll take you home and make sure you have a tall glass of water with that vodka,” Helen offered.

  “Thanks. And thank you for coming to get me, Jamie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “Hey, what’s family for? Just be careful and get some sleep. Everything will look better in the morning,” Jamie promised.

  She gave him a hug and left the apartment with Helen right behind her. She made a mental note to make it a large shot of vodka to dull her brain and bury this day.

  Chapter 15

  Rebecca

  Rebecca had woken up with a nervous energy coursing through her. Yesterday’s meeting with Zoe and the kiss were buzzing around her mind and she blamed them for spilling her morning coffee. And for putting too much honey on her yoghurt. And for tripping over the cat. Most of all she blamed them for her lack of reaction to the fact that she didn’t have a cat. Her neighbour’s cat had come in through the open window and she hadn’t thought twice about it until she tripped over the damn creature. Leading her to scold herself and wonder just how distracted a person could be.

  Arriving at work, she willed herself to focus. She was Rebecca Clare. There was an expectation for her to be calm, controlled, and professional always. Not to be mooning over a woman who was about fifteen years younger than her and in the middle of a mental breakdown.

  Rebecca’s lack of social skills, when it came to anything but business negotiations and minor office disputes, meant that she didn’t even know if it had been actual attraction or some form of misguided need for physical comfort that had driven Zoe to instigate a kiss. Should she call Zoe to find out? That sounded like an uncomfortable conversation to say the least.

  She clamped her jaw tightly shut. Why do I have to be so useless when it comes to human interactions? I should stop thinking about her now.

  She walked past reception, nodding and smiling at today’s receptionists, hoping they hadn’t heard about what happened yesterday. Hoping that tales of Rebecca Clare having an impromptu meeting with a crying woman in casual clothing, who then ended up running away from the building mere minutes after the meeting started, hadn’t spread. Thank heavens they were British and too polite to ask any questions or she would have been mortified.

  One of the receptionists stood up suddenly. “Oh, Ms. Clare. Excuse me but you have someone waiting for you here.”

  Rebecca stopped dead in her tracks. It was five past eight and her first meeting wasn’t until ten fifteen. In fact, she wasn’t supposed to be in the office until nine today. Who would be here waiting for her? Could it be Zoe?

  “I do?”

  She looked over to the seating area and saw two faces she recognized from an earlier visit.

  Zoe’s friend and her brother. This should be interesting. Or dreadful. Or both.

  She fought to keep her expression neutral.

  “Well, hello again and good morning. Would you like to come up to a meeting room? I’m assuming that our discussion needs privacy this time?” she asked the two staring faces.

  “Uh, yeah. I suppose that would be best. We won’t stay for long, though. We both have work to get to,” the man answered. Rebecca struggled to remember his name. Was it James?

  “Ah, that explains why you are here so early. That is a good thing as most of the meeting rooms should be free for the next half an hour or so. Would you like to come with me?” She began to walk to the turnstile to get the guard to let them all in.

  After ordering a tray of coffee, tea and biscuits, Rebecca sat down and looked at her two guests. She was regretting choosing the small meeting room at the top of the stairs. Too many memories in here from yesterday. Memories of chestnut eyes brimming with tears, of nervous hands fidgeting with a cup of tea, and of full lips pressed forcefully against her own. That kiss had felt so good, despite the inappropriate circumstances.

  “I’m sorry to barge in on you like this again but as Jamie and I were the ones to start this whole thing up, we felt like we should step in and try to fix this mess,” Helen said.

  Jamie, that’s what he’s called, Rebecca mused. I wonder what Zoe told them. How much do they know?

  “I see. How is Zoe? I wanted to call her last night but I wasn’t sure if she wanted some privacy?”

  “What she wants is to not have been sacked and not have rushed into your building and kissed you,” Jamie said.

  Rebecca felt a freezing feeling in her chest. Zoe regretted their kiss. Of course she did. It had just been a need for distraction and comfort on her behalf. Zoe had never made a secret of the fact that she looked up to her and, heaven knows, she had tried to behave like a role model. Like a mentor. Not like some skirt-chasing middle-aged man with a weakness for young women.

  “Ah. She told you everything, then?” Rebecca asked, trying to keep the shame out of her voice.

  “Yes,” Helen said. Then her gaze flickered down to her hands.

  Rebecca cleared her throat. “I want you both to know that I didn’t intentionally encourage any… physical affection.”

  She hated how stilted and prim she sounded when she talked about things like this. It added ten years to her age, and that was the last thing she wanted to do when talking about Zoe and their situation.

  Jamie sat forward on his chair. “No, no. We know. And Zoe feels awful about it. She’s so sorry she put you through that.”

  Rebecca tried in vain to figure out what he was talking about, in the end she gave up and asked, “what?”

  Jamie looked at her with a blank expression. “What?”

  Helen looked from one to the other. “What?”

  “What do you mean by ‘put me through’?” Rebecca asked.

  She was starting to feel stupid.

  “Well, you know, pouncing on you,” Helen said. There was a pink tinge covering her cheeks.

  “Pouncing? No one pounced. We kissed,” Rebecca said.

  Helen and Jamie looked at each other and Rebecca sensed a silent conversation taking place between them.

  “You mean you didn’t feel attacked or freaked out?” Jamie asked.

  “About what?”

  Jamie stared at her before clarifying. “About the kiss?”

  Rebecca grew uncomfortable. This was an odd enough situation on its own but discussing it with strangers was unpleasant to say the least.

  “No, if I had, I wouldn’t have taken part in it.”

  “You took part?” Helen exclaimed.

  There was a knock on the door. It was the new receptionist bringing in the tray of refreshments. What was her name? Katherine? Kathryn? Katarina?… Mel? Rebecca tried to read the name tag but her long hair was draped over it.

  “Thank you… de
ar.”

  “Of course, Ms. Clare. Anything else I can help you with?”

  Yes, you can get lost so I can figure out what the hell is going on here, a voice in Rebecca’s mind shouted.

  “No, that’ll be all. Thank you.”

  The receptionist left them with a nod and a smile. As soon as she was gone, Helen grabbed the sleeve of Rebecca’s suit jacket.

  “You mean the kiss was a two-way kiss?”

  Rebecca tried not to bristle. This still felt strangely inappropriate.

  “Well, yes. Zoe was upset. She seemed about to, well, snap in some way. We got close to each other and I wanted to comfort her and she seemed to need comfort. I was considering giving her a light hug or something. I just knew I needed to calm her down and stop her from spinning out of control. And then it… somehow turned into a kiss. Then, of course, she took off running before I could apologise.”

  They laughed. Both of these fidgety twentysomethings just laughed.

  Jamie held up a hand. “Sorry, we’re just relieved. You see, Zoe is convinced that you are not into her and that she pounced on you and kissed you against your will. She’s felt so guilty. She’s been crazy in love with you for ages and that kiss was sort of her reaching fever pitch and—”

  He was interrupted by a clearly flustered Helen. “Jamie! You can’t tell her that.”

  He seemed to realise what he had just said and looked from Helen to Rebecca open-mouthed before whispering, “Shit. I’m not supposed to tell you that she has a crush on you. Bugger, she’s gonna kill me.”

  So many things happened inside Rebecca at once. The realisation that Zoe didn’t think of her as a role model but as dating material, the fact that Zoe had apparently been “crazy in love” with her for ages and not just seeking a mentor as she had thought.

  It was impossible for Rebecca to make her self-image of an emotionally repressed, dull, ginger woman who, at forty, was closer to middle-age than she wanted to admit, gel with someone that this fascinating, young beauty could fall for. All those times that Zoe had stared at her and Rebecca had assumed she was just shy or staring because Rebecca said something painfully uncool – could they have been looks of admiration?