Life Pushes You Along: A woman-loving-woman romance novella

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  Had that kiss been more than a kneejerk reaction from someone distraught?

  Suddenly, it struck Rebecca that Jamie had said that Zoe was distressed because she felt she’d attacked her with that kiss. She felt distraught to think of Zoe so upset over a misunderstanding. Attacked? Could she really have missed how she had pushed her lips right back against Zoe’s full, soft lips? Had she not heard the pathetic little whimper that escaped from Rebecca’s mouth as she was finally kissed after going months without physical contact? After having fantasised about kissing Zoe so many times that she couldn’t think about their Saturdays in Queenswell library without feeling all tingly.

  “I have to speak to Zoe immediately. I have to let her know that the kiss was reciprocated and that she doesn’t have to worry,” Rebecca said. She was trying to sound collected and hated that her voice had cracked on that last word.

  Jamie stood up and shook her hand. “Okay. Thank you. Just, um, is there any way you could, you know, not tell her that I told you about her crush? Maybe pretend like it never happened?”

  “Of course. I know you didn’t mean to tell me and I know that Zoe will certainly need a good relationship with her brother in the upcoming months.”

  “Oh, great, cheers for that. And thanks for not thinking it’s weird that me and Helen are the ones to come to see you. You know, both back then and now.”

  “That’s fine. The first time was a bit… unexpected. But this time I understand why it had to be you. I assume Zoe felt like she couldn’t face me.”

  Rebecca stood up. “Anyway, I think I should be calling Zoe to put her mind at ease so unless you need anything else from me?”

  “No, that’s it. Man, I’m so relieved. Thanks again and take care,” Jamie said with a warm smile that looked a lot like his sister’s.

  Rebecca shook their hands and walked them out, making polite small talk. Her mind wasn’t concerned with them at all, however. It was full to the brim with thoughts of Zoe.

  Chapter 16

  Rebecca

  Rebecca was sitting at the table in the meeting room. It was still filled with the things from the refreshment tray that she, Jamie, and Helen had so successfully ignored. Her glasses were discarded next to one of the cups.

  Her eyes were closed; the fingers of one hand pinching the bridge of her nose where her glasses always cut in and her other hand holding the mobile phone to her ear. She felt her heart beat hard with every signal that went through. And then she heard Zoe’s clear-as-spring-water voice answer.

  “Hi. Sorry I took a while to pick up. I couldn’t find my phone.”

  Rebecca wasn’t sure if that was true. Zoe sounded rushed and unsure of her own words.

  “That’s fine. I’m just calling to…” Rebecca stopped, unsure of how to approach this conversation. “I’m just calling to put your mind at ease,” she finished.

  “Put my mind at ease?”

  “Yes. About the kiss.”

  Silence. Deep, indecipherable silence. Rebecca decided to press on.

  “I wanted you to know that I…” She stopped again, cursing her brain for not cooperating. “I wanted you to know that I really enjoyed it. And that I… don’t regret it and that I hope you don’t either.”

  More silence. It gnawed on Rebecca’s nerves now. Why wouldn’t the woman just speak? Unable to stand the silence, Rebecca kept talking.

  “Of course, I am sure you have bigger things to worry about, like your career and how you are going to pay the rent next month.”

  There was a quiet reply of “no.” It sounded like it came from far away.

  Then Zoe cleared her throat and added, “I have some savings. I should be fine for a couple of months. Three if I cut down on the fast food.”

  Rebecca felt as if she was about to get a killer headache. How could they be discussing food right now?

  “I see. I’m glad you are not in dire straits.”

  “I’m glad that…” the clear voice on the line started to say but then went back to the thick silence.

  “What? What made you glad, Zoe?”

  Silence again. Rebecca counted her breaths to keep from losing her cool. One breath, two breaths, three breaths, four…

  “That you called. That you liked the kiss. That I didn’t offend or, y’know, violate you.”

  Rebecca almost laughed with relief. “Oh Zoe, no. You didn’t violate me at all. You gave me what I’ve been wanting every single Saturday in that drafty library.”

  “Really? I… I wasn’t sure.”

  “No. I can tell. Well, for the record, I gathered that you liked me but I was almost certain you didn’t like me in a romantic fashion. I have always been bad at reading romantic intention, especially in those who aren’t my obvious choices for partners,” Rebecca said.

  “Obvious choices?”

  “Sorry, I should have explained that better. As I say, I’m not very good at this emotional stuff. I meant that if it’s someone more like me in age and type and they figuratively hit me over the head with a bowl full of compliments. Anyone out of that narrow category and I’m useless.”

  “That’s sort of how I felt too. You are so different from anyone I have ever dated,” Zoe said softly.

  Rebecca took a deep breath. “Well, then let’s stop being so British and just come straight out with it. I like you. I admire you. I care about you. And I am painfully attracted to you.”

  “Painfully?”

  Rebecca wasn’t sure if the new tone in Zoe’s uncertain voice was hope or playfulness, but it sounded happier and that was all she needed.

  “Yes, painfully. Have you ever felt like you were objectifying a younger woman? You end up feeling like some dirty old man; I don’t recommend it at all.”

  Zoe laughed. All deities and saints bless this woman for always laughing at my jokes.

  “Does it help if I said I felt like a stupid teenage girl with a crush on a teacher?”

  “Teenage girl? You’re twenty-six. Besides, being kicked out by homophobic parents must have made you grow up very fast. I’d say you are older than your years.”

  Zoe hummed noncommittally. “Maybe in some ways. In other ways, I think I sort of stayed at eighteen.”

  “The woman I have gotten to know feels more mature than many who are my age.”

  “Good, then you shouldn’t worry so much about our age gap. I mean, you know, if there is a possible ‘us’ to worry about.”

  Rebecca swallowed and tried to keep her tone light. “I’m not sure, Zoe. What do you think?”

  “I’d like there to be an ‘us’ to worry about some day.”

  “In that case, start worrying.”

  “One step ahead of you,” Zoe replied, her voice chiming with laughter.

  Rebecca felt the corners of her lips tug into a broad smile. Her eyes were still closed but her fingers weren’t rubbing the bridge of her nose anymore. Instead her hand rested on her chest, where under her favourite, designer shirt she could feel her heart pound. This all felt so sudden and she wasn’t sure she could keep up with the quick pace. She realised that she didn’t care if she wasn’t in control of this. What did it matter? She felt happy and that hadn’t happened in such a long time.

  “I… don’t know what happens now,” Zoe said, breaking her out of her reverie.

  “Neither do I. And that is a situation I am not used to.”

  “This kinda changes everything, doesn’t it?”

  Rebecca opened her eyes and looked at the small meeting room, which suddenly seemed so much more welcoming than before.

  “Yes. Yes, I think it does,” she answered.

  “Before Jamie and Helen went to see you, I hadn’t had any real change since I broke up with my last girlfriend years ago. I’d sort of avoided it.”

  “Do you wish you could have avoided this?”

  “Hmm. Being sacked from my job like that? Yes. Meeting you? Hell no.”

  Rebecca smiled to herself. “That’s the thing about change, in my experience
there is a fifty per cent chance of it being negative but just as big a chance that it will be positive.”

  “Yeah. I suppose I shouldn’t try to stay away from change.”

  “No. There’s really no point. Even if you refrain from taking any form of action… your surroundings will stay in motion and not let you stay still, Zoe.”

  Zoe sighed over the telephone line.

  “Yeah. Helen said something like that. She said that no matter how hard you try to not let anything change, life pushes you along.”

  “She’s a clever girl.”

  “She’s my age. She’s a woman, not a girl,” Zoe corrected, sounding slightly terse.

  “Right. Of course. It was just an expression. Trust me, I know that you are all woman.”

  She was rewarded with Zoe’s laughter again.

  “Uh-huh. Checked that out, have you?” Zoe asked, tone full of mischief.

  “What red-blooded person wouldn’t? Have you seen yourself?”

  Rebecca realised how good it felt to flirt again, and how good it felt to flirt with someone who was going to be more than a brief holiday romance.

  “I’d rather be looking at you. In fact, I can’t wait to see you again. Especially now that… everything is different,” Zoe said.

  “I know what you mean. Seeing you will be a completely different experience now. No more wondering. No more walking on eggshells so I don’t accidentally make you uncomfortable. No trying to gauge your interest at any given moment.”

  “Exactly. Now it will just be… first date nerves, I suppose?”

  “Hmm. Yes, I suppose so. Are we calling it a first date?”

  The line went quiet and Rebecca was just about to ask Zoe if she was still there when she heard her say, “I’d like it to be a date, yes. Would you?”

  “Absolutely,” Rebecca replied. She could hear the purr in her own voice and had to remind herself to tone it down. This was all so new and Zoe was in such a vulnerable state. She had to let Zoe lead and decide the pace; she found that she was quite enamoured with that idea.

  “Great. So, um, do you want to go do something special or…” Zoe trailed off, sounding hesitant.

  “Or meet up at the library and look for new jobs for you? I’ll let you choose. Either sounds great to me. I just want to see you again.”

  “Well, I don’t want to waste out first date on work stuff. Or take advantage of the fact that I’m dating my job coach. Can I take you out for a casual dinner tonight?”

  “Only if you let me help you job search on Saturday.”

  “It’s a deal.”

  Chapter 17

  Rebecca

  Rebecca wondered if the restaurant was a good choice. Was it too posh? Zoe had asked her to choose a place and she had. But now she saw Zoe fidget and glance around at the surroundings and she wondered if she should have picked somewhere else.

  “Is this okay? We can go somewhere else if you’d like?”

  “What? No, no this is fine. I’m just… a little nervous.”

  Ah, it’s not the place that disconcerts her, it’s me.

  Rebecca smoothed a napkin on her lap, smiled at Zoe, and tried to sound reassuring as she said, “Don’t be. Just think of it as one of our job search sessions.”

  Zoe gave a mix of a scoff and a laugh and Rebecca spotted that cute little crooked tooth in her lower jaw.

  “I was nervous then too.”

  “Worse than this?” Rebecca asked and took a sip of her wine.

  Zoe tucked some of her thick, black curls behind her ear.

  “No, it’s just different this time. Now I’m nervous because I think you’ll come to your senses and realise that you are out of my league.”

  “Oh good. Then we are sitting here afraid of the same thing. We can be anxious, insecure idiots together.”

  Zoe laughed. “Wow, I really know how to show a girl a good time, huh?”

  Rebecca tried for a teasing tone of voice. “I thought we were sticking to the word ‘woman’ and not ‘girl?’ Or is that just a rule for me?”

  “No. No, I suppose I should stick to that too,” Zoe replied, mirth flashing in her eyes.

  The way Zoe was looking at her now was making Rebecca experience a mix of butterflies in her stomach and the heady pull of arousal emanating from her lower abdomen and sinking lower.

  Rebecca cleared her throat. “You look less nervous now. Perhaps I just need to keep you talking?”

  “Yeah. It’s hard to think about anything else than how stunning and brilliant you are as soon as you open your mouth,” Zoe replied.

  “Are you referring to my intelligence when you hear me speak or was that a flirtatious way of saying that you like watching my lips part?”

  With that, Rebecca had taken back the lead in this flirting game of theirs. She saw Zoe swallow visibly.

  “Wow, you really are in another league to me,” Zoe said, sounding almost reverent.

  “Not at all, darling. I’ve just got a few years’ extra experience.”

  Rebecca wondered if the restaurant was warm or if it was just her.

  Zoe took a big gulp of her wine. Rebecca was happy with the wine she had chosen for them. The restaurant was mid-ranged when it came to prices and she had practically begged Zoe to let her pay. This meant that she had chosen the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu for them with a clear conscience. The claret was velvety and potent, and Rebecca hoped it would relax Zoe, as it had her.

  A waiter came over, bringing their food. Zoe began arranging her plate, pushing her lettuce to the side and cutting her lasagne into small pieces. She ate some and made a moaning noise in appreciation.

  “Please don’t do that,” Rebecca said before she could stop herself.

  “Oh sorry. My table manners have always been awful.”

  “It’s not that,” she quickly reassured. “It’s just that my mind seems to be in the gutter enough without you helping it further down by making… delicious noises. Not that it’s your fault of course. I can just feel my self-control slipping a little tonight so I’m trying to catch hold of it.”

  “Why?” Zoe asked.

  “Pardon?”

  “Why? Don’t control yourself. I really like the way you keep looking at me like I’m your dessert.”

  Rebecca felt her cheeks flush. Surely the restaurant must be hot, it couldn’t just be her burning up like this. She looked at Zoe, all cleavage and long eyelashes batting slowly, and decided that it was probably all her and the restaurant was quite possibly cold as ice.

  “Well, you certainly look like dessert. Does your shirt have to be so unbuttoned? I’m finding it hard to breathe.”

  “That’s your problem. I don’t have as fancy clothes as you so I have to play to my strengths – my curves.”

  At the word curves, Zoe ran the back of her fingers over her cleavage. Quickly and subtly caressing the shimmering skin in a way which made Rebecca feel dizzy.

  “Nice to see that you got over your nervousness.”

  “It’s still lurking at the back of my head. You staring at me is making it hide more and more though, so please keep ogling,” Zoe said, blinking those long-lashed, flirty eyes once more. Then, as if that nervousness came back as it heard itself mentioned, Zoe quickly looked down and continued eating.

  Rebecca couldn’t make this woman out. One moment Zoe was all confidence and flirtation, the next she was a shy flower in need of tending. It was confusing. It was sweet. It was irresistible.

  Rebecca had to ask.

  “Why is it so hot in here?”

  Zoe smirked. “Is this my queue to drop a cheesy line and say that it’s not the place, it’s you? Because you are smoking-hot tonight. That dress must be oozing with gratitude for being allowed to hug your body that tight.”

  Rebecca laughed. “Jealous of it?”

  Zoe’s chestnut-coloured eyes looked suddenly serious. “Hell yes.”

  Heat coursed through Rebecca. Oh god, she just got even sexier. How am I suppos
ed to be the experienced and suave one here when she can make me burn for her so easily. Stop looking at me like that!

  Out loud, she simply cleared her throat before focusing on her sirloin steak. She chewed and swallowed the perfectly cut pieces, but barely tasted it. This date was not going the way it should. They should be getting to know each other and enjoying some relaxed banter and small talk. Instead, they were locked in a circle of uncomfortable nervousness and unbridled lust. Going around and around. She had never been on a date like this before. But then, she had never had a romantic entanglement that started the way this one had. Her romances were always calculated and calm things, steered by both her and the man or woman she was dating. This however, was a car without a driver, swaying across the road much too fast.

  “Are you okay?” Zoe asked.

  “Yes. Well, yes and no. This date is just a little unconventional for me.”

  “How so?” Zoe asked, brow furrowed.

  “Normally at this stage of a date I’m thinking about what clever questions to ask or how to portray myself in a good light. Right now, however, I’m deciding between what needs my focus more. Is it trying to keep us both relaxed and comfortable or keeping from launching myself across the table and kissing your brains out.”

  Zoe smirked again. “I think I like our date better then.” She pushed her half-empty plate away. “I’m done. So, whenever the waiter comes back, feel free to pay and then let’s go find a black cab.”

  “A taxi?”

  “Yes, to some place where you can kiss my brains out without having to worry about people staring. I don’t mind public displays of affection but I have a feeling you are more private.”

  Rebecca wondered if she looked funny in her state of shock. Was her mouth open? Her eyes wide? “Um, well, yes. I am.”

  “Great. So, finish your food, pay the bill and then let’s go get a cab. Sound good?”

  Rebecca pushed her plate away, even though she had only eaten a few bites.