Roadwarrior

by Nick Molloy

  Thus, when stripping stumbled along and fell into my lap - for the first time I felt like a professional athlete. I now get paid (in part) to train my body and look after my physique. This is what I call professional athleticism. I have considered myself a professional athlete for years. My attitude to sport, the implementation of training and diet and the resultant performance would put many a professional team player to shame. However, diligence doesn’t necessarily make a professional athlete. A whole concoction of factors go into the mix to make a professional sportsman. A well as diligence and attitude, an athlete must have genetics and crucially opportunity.

  I almost certainly had the genetics for certain sports but lacked the opportunity. I had the opportunity in others but lacked the genetics. Stripping finally blurred the boundaries. I was given an opportunity where my genetics were sufficient. I obviously wasn’t going to be let down by a lack of professional attitude and diligence. I haven’t looked back and can safely say that being a professional stripper actually rates as one of the proudest things I have ever done. All I ever wanted to be was a professional athlete and in a very round about sort of way, I have made it.

  However, I would not be so arrogant or naïve to say that is the only reason why I strip. There are a cacophony of reasons. I have already alluded to another of the key ones. Stripping brings in a high degree of utils to my existence. I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do. My obligation is to the client and nobody else. If I want to turn a job down I can. The feeling of well-being that comes from such a high degree of freedom is substantial and not to be sneered at.

  I actually quite like the road warrior existence. I am a bit of a wondering nomad averaging about 40,000 miles per year in my car. I traverse the country in many ways, not to mention some limited foreign travel. I sometimes find the long night time drives (no traffic) therapeutic. I get to see plenty of different places and I am sometimes able to coincide stripping and pleasure. For example, every time I venture on a tour of northern England I usually find time to go climbing in the lake district. The job has yet to become boring. Every assignment is an adventure – put simply you don’t know what will await you when you get there. Sometimes the experience is fantastic, others I’d rather forget. Dull, it most certainly is not.

  The job certainly has ‘minge’ benefits, which are discussed in more detail elsewhere. Male strippers are able to pull girls with considerable alacricity when compared to Mr Joe Public. The male stripper has a sort of minor celebrity status when he emerges after performing. This means he receives attention from women. Some are ‘bedpost notchers’, some are drunk and others just start competing with a room full of women vying for the attention of the only men in the room. This tells us much about their fragile egos. Some (although these are very rare) simply just want to sleep with you (no strings). Either way, the average male stripper gets his end away more than most.

  There are also the psychological reasons as to why I strip and this brings us into the more general area of the psyche of strippers as a breed. It appears to this author at least, that strippers as a whole are very damaged individuals. I would of course like to think that I do not fit the stereotype, but there are aspects of it which I almost certainly fall into.

  For example, all strippers I have met are exhibitionists. I have met some who are not but I wouldn’t call them strippers (for example members of the Bell Ends who don’t go fully nude and don’t play the circuit). All genuine professional strippers can be categorised as such and many psychologists would classify this as a condition/illness in itself.

  Although I would disagree that exhibitionism is an illness, there is a by product of it that is perhaps a little more sinister and this relates to attention seeking. A psychologist would probably analyse much of what I have said and conclude that I felt unloved or unwanted as a child. My reaction to that could manifest itself in my current behaviour as a male stripper. Because I felt unloved/unwanted I could now be seeking the love and attention from a different group of people outside my immediate family. That is, I seek the love, attention and affirmation of my audience.

  At face value you would probably expect me to refute the charge. However, why should I be massively different ?

  I would certainly point the finger accusingly at the rest of the stripping community. It has long been an enigma to me why it has attracted the individuals it has. They certainly seem to come with truck loads of excess baggage with very few exceptions. The stereotype of the dumb steroidal blond is not far wrong but I would go further. They are not all blonde. There are many brunettes as well. Most of them are low on the IQ scale. Many take steroids, which doesn’t help their cognitive reasoning. However, a vast number are also completely unprofessional and unreliable. They have a tendency to show up when they feel like it and only if they feel like it. In the real world this sort of behaviour would not be tolerated. Any real business that hired them to supply a service would terminate their contracts upon non-delivery. A reputation would be garnered and soon they would go out of business. In stripping however, the laws of the real world do not apply and these individuals continue to find work

  As yet, the definitive reason to this eludes me. Many theories abound. Certainly many no shows occur because the strippers are high on drugs and are no longer in control of their faculties. I have witnessed this firsthand. Many strippers have never had a ‘real’ job. Several are the terminally unemployed claiming benefits on the side. They have a tendency to agree to take the first job that comes in and then when offered something for £10 extra they attend that one and call the other job at the last minute to announce that ‘the car won’t start’. Such short sightedness, one would think, borders on stupidity but they continually get away with this unprofessional behaviour.

  It is certainly frustrating from a professional viewpoint that this sort of conduct is tolerated. Part of the explanation for this, maybe, is that the market is very small. If someone wishes to book strippers for the first time they typically won’t know the good from the bad, or the diligent from the unprofessional. They will get probably get stung and won’t book anyone ever again. Yet, their misfortune remains a local tale and allows the cowboys to continue plying their trade in another region.

  There is also the slightly more disturbing explanation that is perpetuated and facilitated by the bookers and agents. Many a drag queen books a stripper and the choice of stripper isn’t always wholly based on their performance or professionalism. All too often their choice depends on whether the stripper allows a certain amount of ‘extras’ or whether he will allow the drag to ‘give him a hand’ when tying off. Far be it from me to cast aspersions on certain individuals, but I can confirm it does go on.

  I have been asked enough times personally whether I would oblige. One drag called Camp Pixie assured me if I got my cock out for him personally (in private) he could guarantee another booking at a said venue. I haven’t played at the said venue again. Other drag queens have alluded heavily to the benefits of sexual compliance. I haven’t been booked by them again. Other strippers have told me of the benefits of sexual compliance. Essentially, certain drag queens know that they will receive a sexual kickback by booking certain strippers. They run a gauntlet as to whether the stripper will turn up, but they benefit personally if they do. If the said stripper doesn’t turn up, the drags whine constantly about unprofessionalism, yet they will offer the offender the next available booking in the hope that they will show up next time.

  Some agents behave in a similar fashion. I find their behaviour even more stupefying as very few of them even attend the shows. It should simply not be in their interest to book strippers who don’t turn up or do so in a (ste)‘roid rage. Yet, they do book them and don’t immediately blacklist the person concerned. Answers on a postcard please……

  One particularly well know agency, Startel, are famous for cancelling shows at the last minute and replacing the stripper with their preferred strippers. Their Modus Operandi is to call the venue conc
erned and explain that the booked stripper is ill or has broken down, but their stripper will be attending as a replacement. Although I can’t prove it, my theory is that the agent gets a good seeing too from the stripper at a designated time. I know the alleged actions of the agent to be true because I caught her trying to pull the stunt. She cancelled me on the morning of the show with some ludicrous excuse about the venue manager being ill. Before she had hung up I had the venue on the other line stating that they didn’t know what she was talking about. Everything was going ahead as normal. Needless to say I haven’t had another offer from that agent.

  Strippers are a very fragile breed as a whole. Contrary to what might be one’s initial perception they fundamentally lack confidence and have major self esteem issues. For example, I have met very few that will actually go on stage without applying their make up for fear of people seeing their real face. Personally, I wouldn’t know where to buy it let alone how to apply it. Some border on paranoid. In order to counter-act their low self esteem many of them have egos the size of a planet. Indeed, a stripper’s ego will typically arrive at a venue before his physical being. When strippers gather to form a pride there is much strutting around amongst the pride members in an attempt to ascertain the alpha male. This is usually measured in terms of the amount of shows performed in the last week. Stripper A will typically offer Stripper B a totally false greeting followed by the line ‘so are you busy’ ? (whilst puffing out his chest so far you would think his nipples were attached to a stampeding elephant). Stripper B will return the false niceties and proceed to explain how he has been incredibly busy having performed 87 shows in the last week alone. Stripper A will retort with ‘that’s good, but I’ve performed 91’. In all seriousness, Carpet Burn once assured me that he would perform 10 shows every Saturday. The most I have ever done in a night is 5 and that was because logistically they all slotted into place. I have been offered 10 shows on a given night, but typically would have to turn 7 of those down because it is simply impossible to go from gig to gig given the time parameters they demand and the inability of my transport to teleport.

  If Arson in the room he will typically inform all and sundry of how he has just returned from the last leg of his world tour via Moscow. The Adrenal Gland actually introduces himself as follows : ‘Hi, I’m the Adrenal Gland I am the best stripper in the country’. For the record the Adrenal Gland is short, old, fat and bald. He has a cock which is about 4 inches when erect. Make your own conclusions.

  The pride will also typically feel the need to mock the gay audience so as to protect and enhance their own masculinity. They may do gay shows, but they hate doing them. The lady doth protest far too much me thinks. Some strippers do struggle with gay shows. The audience can be far more difficult to please and won’t scream at a chimpanzee in a sailor’s uniform as the girls often do. However, some strippers need, yes need, this level of attention and adoration. I recently worked with a new guy called Timberlake (again old and bald – maybe it’s the steroids) who at the end of his show (it was a hen night) literally sprinted for the door. He stated that he didn’t like the audience because the girls weren’t screaming loud enough for him. He isn’t alone. Him and his ilk typically steer well away from the gay scene.

  Other strippers feel the need to constantly seek attention in many different forms. Some like to appear on television. We are all offered some appearances on gutter television from time to time. The Trisha show are regularly on the phone. I have declined to appear because they refuse to pay for my time. However, they know if they phone enough strippers sooner or later they will get one. It’s always the same ones. They take time out of their schedule to make somebody else money whilst they can claim to have been on television. Other strippers still, have to spend all their time posting on internet message boards, proclaiming to the world how great they are. I can’t help but compare this behaviour to that of another internet forum. Marunde Muscle is a forum where fans discuss activities within the world of Strongman competition. Some of the world’s greatest competitors, including former World’s Strongest Man titlists, post on that forum. They come across as humble and likeable. This is in stark contrast to the strippers who have won nothing, haven’t proved anything, yet shoot their mouths off as if they were gods. I refer you back to much earlier comments where talking fills in the gaps when the performance doesn’t deliver.

  I have watched some strippers on Ladies Nights deliberately try to deflect the attention from the stripper on stage, back over to them by playing up in some visible part of the room. One stripper is particularly bad for this. His character is that of a Benny Hill style cheeky chappy and to my ire people fall for it. Everybody tells me what a wonderful man he is despite his obvious falsities. A recent homophobic rant of his caught on tape has altered about all of two opinions.

  A couple of strippers have started off as pleasant and soon transformed in a swampy mire of egoism once they have received an injection of audience love. The first time I met the Looney Warlord he was just beginning and was quite polite. Six months later he walked into the room with an arrogant swagger that was deserving of a good right hand. The shit that came out of his mouth did little to alter my opinion. To be honest, I wasn’t sure which hole was his arse and which one was his mouth.

  What it is that attracts individuals of this fragility to the business? I have deliberated over this often and have concluded that by enlarge the industry doesn’t actually attract them, instead the industry recruits them. I think there is much in the psychological argument that strippers receive affirmation from their audience. Some of them cry when they don’t get it. However, strippers don’t usually apply for their positions on Jobserve or via newspaper classifieds. The only such advertised positions I have seen are for troupes who aren’t really looking for people to strip. Most strippers I have met have stumbled into the profession by accident, or alternatively, have been lured into the profession by those with an agenda.

  Those strippers, agents or drag queens that put on their own shows have recruited strippers into the business to meet their own requirements. In all examples, they have recruited vulnerable individuals who can be easily controlled, moulded and manipulated. Black Rod has recruited many a stripper. Every one is as stupid as the rest and follows him around like a lapdog telling him how wonderful he is. This has the dual benefit of meeting his troupe requirements whilst massaging his own ego.

  Many agents and drags have trialled new strippers just so that they could see a young attractive man with his clothes off. They all, off course, have to be shown how to tie off. The most compliant of these individuals usually get offered the shows. More than one agent and one drag queen have admitted their motives to me in this area.

  The down side with recruiting new strippers in this way is that they tend to be stupid, unreliable and unpredictable. They are often damaged individuals with unstable backgrounds. They are easily influenced from all quarters and soon start to believe their own hype. When they see their face on a poster they really do believe they are a superstar, as opposed to the lowest form of entertainment on a cabaret ladder where people typically laugh at them rather than along with them. Once the ego has landed they become difficult to contain and the bookers move onto recruiting the next gullible wannabee. If strippers were recruited from other areas, they would be more liable to have their own ideas and rebel against their instigators earlier. This obviously doesn’t apply to everybody, but within any given population a high percentage will conform to the norm. Strippers are no different and many are best avoided !!!!

  Chapter 12 - Shattering the Myths

  When I meet people and they find out what I do for a living they often come out with typical pre conceived notions of what being a stripper must be like. Very few of them are true. Allow me to try and straighten the record a little here.

  The first myth has to be that male strippers actually earn really good money. I have lost count of the number of times on hen nights where an aspirant gold-digge
r makes her initial approach with the line ‘I bet you earn a few quid’. Despite refuting her statement she will typically follow up her initial query with ‘what do you drive’. Typically, they dismiss my answer of ‘I drive a battered old diesel’ as modesty. It has been known for a look of horror to spread across their face when they actually see that I wasn’t joking. The look of horror directly correlates with a tightening of the vagina.

  This is the where myth and rumour seem to go into overdrive. If I had a pound for every one that tells me I must be rich from stripping, I would be rich. Also, there appears to be a trend that when I tell women that I am a male stripper, an unusually high proportion of them have a friend who is a male stripper who has allegedly become rich from the experience. When I assure them this couldn’t be true an argument ensues. Maybe this arises because we have different definitions of rich. However, these stripping ‘millionaires’ usually turn out to be gay. If there was any truth to these rumours of stripping millionaires I can assure the reader that their wealth was not brought about from stripping, but maybe the performance of ‘extras’. Generally women, even wealthy predatory ones, have yet to embrace the empowerment of paying for sex. For gay men it often comes as a second nature. Male strippers can supplement their income if they are so inclined.

  Some of the strippers will spin out their yarns where they work as £1000/night escorts for wealthy women. I am yet to see one scrap of evidence of this. ‘Escort’ agencies may be cropping up everywhere, but the term ‘male escort’ is effectively the same as ‘gay prostitute’. Men have few qualms about paying for a sexual service (be they gay or straight). Women have a tendency to feel dirty or inadequate about doing so. In this liberal era of equality, women still don’t feel empowered about paying a man for sex. Escort agencies spin a different yarn, where they will of course ask all aspiring male escorts for a fee to join their books and then never find them any work. I could list well over a dozen straight mates who have made this mistake. They struggle to find a girl in normal circumstances to have sex with (before you ask – no they aren’t ugly) never mind the luxury of getting paid to have sex.