Steel Hearts

by Ashlea Thompson

  “It’s so weird. I thought everything was fine. He has just been distant the past few days,” I say. “Do you think his parents said something to him?” She asks, thoughtfully. “I have no idea. I think it might be work stuff. He has been stressed with a new project he has been working on,” I say, taking a sip of my drink, “I want to say something, but I don’t know what to say. He hasn’t been this way before with me.” We sit in silence. Nate’s imagination is on fire today, and he has been quite the Chatty Kathy. “I think it’s because you guys are moving fast,” Amanda says. I nod but don’t say anything. I mean, He might be overwhelmed with everything. “I mean, it’s only been what, 7 months?” she continues, “You guys are joined at the hip most of the time. It’s kind of creepy.” I know what she is trying to get at. The way I feel about Jake is unlike the way I have felt about anyone else. I just wing it most of the time. I am trying not to rush things. I just want to stay happy.

  Things have gotten better over the next few months. We are approaching our first anniversary. Though I think celebrating such milestones is stupid, especially since I’m not that type of girl, I get excited. I am off today, and I plan to cook a feast of Jake's favorite food. I’m not much of a cook, I try though, so Amanda comes over to help. I want to spend a nice evening at home and since Jake has been working like a mad man, I want to make sure the evening is perfect, and he can relax. I bring some wine from the cellar (he has a freaking wine cellar) and set the table. Jake will be home in an hour, so I shoot him a quick text with a picture of the wine.

  L: See you soon. Prepare yourself for the best feast of your life. XOXO.

  J: :)

  Ok, not the response I wanted but whatever. He is probably busy. I take a shower and dress in comfy clothes. When Jake gets home, he goes upstairs to change. “I have a nice relaxing night planned for us honey, with your favorite foods and all. I was thinking we could watch an old black and white movie,” I say, smiling as I pour some wine. “Sounds good,” he says. He has been scrolling on his phone since he got home. I think to myself WTF is going on here. I push my thoughts back and we start eating. The conversation is light. We talk about our day and such. Then there is an awkward silence.

  I clear my throat, “Do you know what today is?” He looks at me puzzled. “No, he says.” I kind of sit there, not knowing what is about to happen. “Today mark’s one year of being together,” I smile. He looks at me with a blank face. Ok, cool. “I didn’t know. It’s been that long?” he says, checking his phone. That damn phone, I could throw it in the yard. Jake gets up to go to the bathroom but leaves his phone. I look over at it and see he has a text message. I can’t see the name, but the text says:

  ‘Are you with her? You could be with me. I want you bad right now. Come on over and I will show you.’

  “I thought you didn't care about such things,” he says as he sits back down. To keep from saying something ugly, I quickly pop a meatball in my mouth and chew slowly. The rest of the meal is met with silence. When he is done, he goes to his study. I cleaned up the kitchen. I sit on the couch and finish the bottle of wine. What is happening? Is there someone else? Is he done with me? What has changed? I go over and over this in my mind. I have drunk a whole bottle of wine, so I feel courageous at this point. I knock on the door of his study.

  He motions for me to come in, and I sit in the chair by the window. “Thank you for dinner. It was really good,” he says as he sits the book he is reading down. I nod my head. After a few minutes, I looked over at him. I have a million thoughts running through my head. Before I can stop myself, I mumble, “You’ve been distant the past few weeks. What’s wrong? Is it me?” Now I sound like a typical woman. I shake my head. When he finally looks at me, I am on edge. I’m holding my breath. “No,” he says. I want to figure this out, but I don’t want to seem like I am crazy.

  “Then what is going on? You barely said two words to me at dinner,” I managed to say. I get up and walk over to the couch where he is sitting. “I want a future with you. I’ve been thinking about it a lot here lately. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else," I say.

  “Why can’t we just stay the way we are?”

  “I want more.”

  “I’m not ready to settle down. I don’t want a family. You have no idea what marriage is like and what it consists of. It’s hard.”

  “How would you know; You have never been married.”

  He looks up at me with a blank face. I think I’ve hit a nerve. “Wait, you mean to tell me you’ve been married before?” I ask, feeling sick to my stomach. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal. Everyone has a past. Jake drops his head in his hands. “Why didn't you tell me?” I ask. He looks at me, he doesn't want to have this conversation. We are going to have it though. Rip the band-aid off. “It’s irrelevant,” he pops off.

  “So, you hid it, you asked me all about my past. I told you. How is it irrelevant? If you neglected to tell me, then it makes me wonder what else you are hiding.”

  “She left me. Took everything I had. Cleaned me out. I had to build from the ground up. I worked hard for what I have now.”

  “This is bullshit.”

  “Lottie, please.”

  “Don’t you Lottie me. I’m trying to tell you how I feel, and you drop this bomb on me.”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “But it does.”

  “I like the way things are now. We are having fun. Don’t ruin this. I love you, but I don't want more than what we have now. I just don’t.”

  “Do you think I’m like her? I’m just going to take everything and run? We’ve been honest with each other so far. Why not say something. That’s sort of a big deal.” He picks up his phone. “Don’t you dare,” I say through clenched teeth.

  “This is not a big deal. Let it go.”

  “Well, I think I’m done here then.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “You aren’t my favorite person right now,” I say. I leave the study as tears are streaming down my face. I go upstairs and slam the door. Jake sleeps on the couch for the next few days. I am so hurt. Not only because I have given so much time to spend with him, but because I laid my heart bare to him, and he took a big shit on my heart. I can get over him being married once before, but I can’t get over the fact that he didn’t tell me.

  I text Amanda and tell her what has happened. I know she is out with her husband tonight since her mom is keeping Nate. She calls me the next morning. I agree to come over for a while. We talked about what happened while I helped her in her garden. Amanda has a way of giving tough love when I need it. She understands me. I need to decide. She is right. I decided the best thing for me is to break up with Jake. Since there is no future apparently, why stay? I don’t want to be best buds or whatever. I’m not some friend with benefits either. The more I think about it, the more I have convinced myself that that’s what this is. That night, I wrote a list of things I will need to do. Thank God I stored much of my stuff in a storage unit. I planned on going through it and getting rid of things I didn't need. Good thing I never got around to it. Now I just have to find another apartment. So, there is that.

  6

  While working at The Gallery the next day, I tell Nina everything that has happened. She knows some, but not all of it. “Honey, don't stress yourself out. Why don’t you stay in my guest house? I won’t charge you rent. Just help me around the house,” she says. “Nina, that is so nice. I would love too,” I say, hugging her. Nina is the most precious human being, I love her so much. She reminds me of my grandmother in so many ways. I made a phone call to my momma, and then to Amanda. Everything seems to be looking up, at least for now. I decided tonight I will tell Jake I’m leaving. I shoot him a text:

  L: Will you be home tonight?

  J: Of course. I miss you.

  I roll my eyes and I leave the text unanswered. I finish up work and kiss Nina’s cheek before leaving for the day. We’ve talked about the arrangements and when I will
move in. She says she is excited to have a youngin' around the house again. She makes me laugh. Poor Nina. Since her husband died, and her kids moved out to start their own lives and family, it’s just been her. Although she is spry in her old age, I feel better knowing I will be around to help her. Amanda says I can stay with her, but I think this will be much better. I have my own space, with a bathroom and a small kitchen. It’s perfect.

  I’m out on the back deck drinking a cup of tea and thinking about what all has happened. I try to do some reading but it’s not helping me to keep my mind off the conversation I am about to have with Jake. I consider some liquid courage but decide against it. I want a clear mind. I want to mean what I say to him, even if it hurts. It is crazy to think about the past year. I thought we were golden. I’ve been thrown for a loop. I know there is nothing here for me, this relationship is a dead end. That’s exactly what it is.

  I hear Jake pull into the garage and come through the kitchen. My heart is in my throat. I am so nervous because I have no idea how this will go. I’m not a fan of confrontation. I will not let him get to me. I have made the decision and I am going to stick with it. “I thought I would find you out here. It’s a beautiful afternoon,” he says. He sits down in the rocking chair next to me, “Jake, we need to talk,” I say matter of factly. “Ok, what’s up?” he asks. “I am leaving. I can’t stay in this relationship. You made it clear to me that there is no future,” I say, swallowing hard.

  He reaches for my hand, but I don’t take it. “What do you mean?” he asks me, the color has drained from his face.

  “I mean I am moving out. You told me that you like the way things are. It’s like we are friends with benefits, I feel more like a roommate with perks.”

  “But I love you.”

  “Not the way that I have loved you. I want a family, Jake. I wanted to spend the rest of my days with you. But you don’t want that. You just want to parade me around town like some sort of trophy. I am not a trophy.”

  “Lottie please don’t do this,” he says, voice cracking. “This is the choice I am making, I’m sorry. I will move my things out within the next week.” Jake is looking at me like I just told him his cat died. He has tears streaming down his face. I feel bad, but I have to do this. I have to do this for myself. He needs to understand that. The sun is setting so I make my way inside. He follows me, asking me why and what he can do to make me stay. There isn’t anything to make me stay. He doesn’t want a future with me, so why do it when it's not what he wants. “I am going to stay with Amanda. I will be back tomorrow to start packing, I am going to bed,” I say. He doesn’t follow me upstairs. I lay awake most of the night. I am proud of myself for standing my ground and not giving into him. I’ve noticed that he is used to getting what he wants. Well not this time and certainly not with me.

  Since I can’t sleep, I go down to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. Jake is asleep on the couch. Judging by the empty whiskey bottle, he has been drinking and he is dead to the world, so I don’t worry about waking him up. I grab my mug of tea and start back to the stairs when I hear his phone ping with notifications. I try to ignore it, but it’s two o’clock in the morning for Christ’s sake. Curiosity gets the best of me. I tiptoe over and grab his phone, and I go back into the kitchen. I can still see Jake, and I keep my eye on him even though I know he won’t wake up.

  I am not a person that snoops. I find the usual. Work stuff and such. Next, I take a look at his text messages. My stomach knots at what I find. There are several text messages from a woman called Sarah. I read through the messages. My eye is twitching. I cannot believe this. The filth. It seems as though he wants his cake and to eat it too. I take screenshots (for proof), and I set the phone back on the coffee table. I go back upstairs and pack a bag. It’s too early in the morning to call Amanda or Nina, so I drive around trying to process everything. Here is this man, who swears he loves me and would do anything for me, yet he is out whoring around. I am angry, hurt, and betrayed. How can he want things to stay the way they are when he is interested in another woman? This solidifies my leaving.

  By 7 am, I’m starving. I stop at a small dinner for breakfast. I got a text from Jake.

  J: Where are you?

  L: None of your business.

  I text Amanda, and I drive to her house. She opens the door as I pull in, I haven’t told her what has happened. She wraps her arm around me, and the tears start flowing. I call Nina, and she understands. She tells me not to worry about anything. She insists on me taking the day off. I take a shower. When I lay down, I pass out. I sleep hard for the next eight hours.

  I do my best to keep Nate occupied while Amanda cooks dinner. “I knew he was no good,” Amanda says while she is stirring the spaghetti sauce. “Elaborate,” I say, coloring with Nate. “I mean, he is rich, comes from a wealthy family. He has everything he could want. He is an only child. I would bet every dollar I ever made that he is a Momma’s boy,” Amanda shrugs while pouring noodles into a strainer. Amanda starts listing other reasons. I think about the first time I heard about Jake and the Samfords. They are a prestigious family with a very successful steel company. Some would consider him the most eligible bachelor. Well 'til I came along, I guess.

  7

  I want to confront Jake about what I found on his phone. Amanda and Nina both say that I should just leave it alone. This hurts too much, and I want answers. I go back to the house with plans of starting to pack what I have there. It’s not much. It will probably just fill a few boxes. I don’t need any help, but Amanda offers me company. I decline. It’s just something I need to do on my own.

  Jake hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts all day. When I am done packing, I try to call him one more time. It goes straight to voicemail. Of course, it does. I wonder if I should stay here 'til he gets home, or should I go to his office. I would much rather have this conversation in private, but if I have to, I will do it in front of God and everyone.

  L: I need to talk to you. Please answer me.

  J: I’m busy.

  Yeah right. He is trying to avoid me because I believe he knows that I figured out what is going on. I load my car and take my stuff to Nina’s. I stop at the store to get what Nina needs since she is sick. I am starting to worry about her. I’m glad I decided to stay with her. After I drop everything off, I head to Samford Steel. I sit in the parking deck, going over what I am going to say. I have it worked out in my head. I tell myself to remain calm and civil. I have no idea how this is going to go. If this is what he wants, then I’m going to give it to him.

  I have been here several times before. I walk through the atrium, stopping to chit-chat with everyone. I finally make it to the elevator after what seems like a lifetime of hearing about Mrs. Nelson’s cat. My heart is starting to race as I try to keep calm. I put the key to his house and the screenshots of his texts to Sarah in an envelope. It feels heavy in my hand. When I walk off the elevator, the receptionist greets me with a smile, “Good afternoon Lottie, what can I do for you?’

  “I’m here to see Jake, dear. Just tell him he has a visitor,” I say. She asks me to take a seat and to wait a moment. Usually, I would just walk to his office, but I don’t want him to know I’m coming. The receptionist has been gone longer than I think she should. I stand up and start to walk towards Jake’s office. The receptionist rushes up to stop me. That’s when I see Jake. He is standing at what I assume is his assistant’s desk. The woman sitting there is a blonde woman. She is gorgeous. I can see her blue eyes from where I’m standing. She is smiling and giggling. Jake is doing the same. I can’t hear their conversation, but I am pretty sure they are flirting. I think that this is Sarah. I could be wrong. I walk briskly over, “Jake.”

  He jumps and turns and sees me standing there. The blonde has stopped talking, and her cheeks turn red. “What are you doing here?” he asks, with shock on his face. “Well, you won't return my calls or texts so, I had no choice,” I say matter of factly, “And who is this?” Jake
looks at me then back at the woman. “This is my assistant Sarah. Sarah, this is Lottie, my girlfriend,” he says. “Ex-girlfriend,” I say as I shake her hand. “Did you know he had a girlfriend, or did you not just care?’' I ask her. Jake is mortified. He quickly ushers me into his office, shuts the door, and pulls the blinds closed. “What the hell is your problem?” He says to me, as he is pacing the floor. I sit down on the couch. I am holding the envelope in my hands. “My problem is that you have ignored my calls and texts for the past two days. I’ve been trying to talk to you, and you have avoided me. The only way I knew to get through to you was to come here. And I see you have been peacocking already. Well really, you’ve been doing it for a while now,” I say in a snarky tone.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “You know you ask that question a lot. Let me lay it out for you. I’m leaving you. You stated yourself that there is no future here. You don’t want to settle down or have a family. You also kept from me that you had previously been married. I have come to realize that it doesn’t matter that you were. The fact is you kept it from me. I would have been fine either way, but you didn't give me a chance to show you. It makes me think that there is other stuff that you keep from me,” I say as I nod at the door.

  “I was going to stay, even though you don’t want the same things I do, I was willing to stay because I love you,” I say, after I hand him the envelope, “The key to your house is in there. Have a nice life.” I don’t wait till he opens the envelope. I proceed past Sarah’s desk, “Good luck. He will never want anything other than what you are giving him right now.” I press the button on the elevator and step in. I could have been violent. I could have punched both of them. I am pretty proud of the way I handled things. By now, he has probably opened the envelope with the damning evidence of his infidelities. That’s the last time I see Jake Samford.