Steel Hearts

by Ashlea Thompson

  The ride to the feed store is mostly in silence. “You know you can talk,” Jake says. I sit quietly concentrating on driving. “Earth to Lottie,” Jake smirks. “I find it hard to believe you are getting married. To my sister. I can’t help but wonder how she tagged and bagged you in six months,” I say, finally. Jake doesn’t speak for a moment. “Things change,” he says. Things do change. “Why did you do me the way you did? What made you change your mind?” I ask.

  “You didn’t do anything. Sarah was a mistake. We were fine the way we were.”

  “So, you went from wanting everything you had, to not wanting it to, settling down?

  “Well.”

  “Deep subject.”

  “Mom and Dad want me to settle down.”

  Now that I think about it, his mom never really liked me. She only spoke to me when she had to. Jake being an only kid, was a Momma’s boy. What Momma wants, Momma gets, I guess. I know what his mom wants. High society, the same level as them. Money and greatness. Unfortunately, I don’t fit that mold. “You mean your Mom wants you to settle down,” I say, “Your Dad could care less.”

  “Lottie,” he says. He tends to do that when he gets frustrated with me. He should be. I want answers. He changes the subject. He asks questions about finding work and what my life was like after we broke up. I told him. He tells me what he has been up to, but I don’t pay attention. After we pick up the items at the feed store, the drive home is a little better. I find myself talking more. The ease with which we are carrying the conversation surprises me. “So, is that Evan guy your boyfriend?” Jake asks. “He is. Why?’ I replied. After a moment, he turns and looks at me, “I was just wondering.”

  When we get back to the farm, Jake helps me unload everything. He follows me into the barn. He seems eager to learn the way of farm life, so I guess it’s up to me to teach him. Daddy just gets frustrated when he tries to teach. It mostly ends up with everyone grumpy. “So, what does this whole ‘working cows’ thing entail?” Jake says. He is such a city boy. “We are going to separate cows, then tag the calves. We will vaccinate them and castrate some of them. Some of them are going to the sale. One or two are going to go to the butcher,” I say. “I’m sorry, what?” he says. It looks like the color has drained from his face. I laugh.

  Some of Daddy’s friends have come to help. I saddle up the horses for me and Jake. He is a little apprehensive but gets on the horse anyways. We take it slow until he feels more comfortable. Samantha would kill me if he ended up hurt. We head out into the pasture and start rounding the cows up and lead them toward the barn. Once we get all the cows moved into the corral, we set to work. We kind of move in a production line. I show Jake how to tag the cows and give them the vaccines. We move the bulls into another corral. Jake seems a little green in the gills at this point.

  Daddy gets to work on the bulls. I look over at Jake to tell him something, and he isn’t standing next to me. I look down and he has passed out cold. I laugh and wake him up. When the work is done, I finish up and head back to the house. “You did well,” I say to Jake. He is sitting on the porch with his head between his legs. I go in and get a wet washcloth and bring it out. “You could have warned me,” he says as I place the cloth on his forehead. “I thought it was pretty self-explanatory,” I replied. He scowls at me. I get us some tea and sit on the porch talking.

  I guess Jake and I can be friends. Samantha pulls up after being gone all day and rushes to the porch. “Oh my god, baby! What happened?” she asks Jake. I roll my eyes and stand up. “He had his first dose of farm life. He will be fine,” I say. I go into the house and get ready for work.

  17

  There is a month left before Samantha and Jake say 'I do'. Samantha is running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Jake is back and forth to Birmingham. Evan and I have been spending more time together. I must admit I kind of miss Jake. I hate to say it and I feel some guilt about it.

  Samantha has an idea to have a joint bachelor and bachelorette party at the Broken Wagon. Duke agrees to open the bar on Wednesday for the party. Samantha has invited everyone. Jake’s friends have come up from Birmingham. I plan on having fun tonight and letting loose. I haven’t done that in ages. I called Amanda to check on her and her family. I fill her in on everything. She is excited for me. She hopes she can make it to visit soon. I miss her and Nate like crazy.

  Everyone is dancing, drinking, and eating. We are all having a good time. Momma and Daddy left early to get home before dark. Evan and I are in the back booth watching everyone party. After a while, he leaves too. He and Duke are leaving in the morning for their annual fishing trip. One of Duke’s friends is going to run the bar while he is gone, so I am glad I will be able to work. I join Samantha and Jake at the bar. Samantha is three sheets to the wind. Daddy comes to pick her up. Jake stays behind. Jake asks me to dance, and I oblige.

  I know I am tipsy, but it feels good in Jake’s arms. It reminds me of old times. Jake is smiling at me when I look up at him. “What are you smiling about?” I ask. “I was just thinking about how we used to slow dance in the kitchen,” he says after a moment. We talk about memories. I know Jake is tipsy too the way he is swaying.

  Most of the crowd has died out. When the last person leaves, I start to lock up. I will come in tomorrow and clean the place up. I’m going to make Samantha help me since it was her party. While I’m at the bar gathering cups, Jake walks up behind me and puts his arms around my waist. “What are you doing?” I ask him. I feel him smile against my shoulder. He starts kissing my neck. “We shouldn’t be doing this, Jake. You are getting married in less than a month. To my sister,” I say. I don’t do anything to stop him though. I turn around and kiss him, taking his hand and walking him towards the office. I lock the door as soon as we enter. We are all over each other and there is no sign of stopping.

  I jolt awake. My head is pounding. I must have drunk too much last night. I remember bits and pieces of the night. The only ones I seem to remember are those with Jake. I jump up and get dressed and head out into the bar. The place is a mess. I check my phone and I have a few missed calls from Momma. I called her back and told her I stayed at the bar and slept in the office since I drank a lot. Once she is satisfied with my reasoning, I end the call. I have a text from Jake.

  J: Going back to Birmingham for some business. I had a good night.

  I ignore the message and head towards the door. As soon as I open the door, Evan is standing there with his hand stuck out. “Baby you look like hell,” he says. I smile and kiss him. “I stayed here because I drank a lot last night. I didn't want to drive,” I say, “I will be back in a little bit to clean this mess up.” “Don’t worry about it, I will have someone come and do it. You go home and get some rest,” he says. I hope he didn’t pick up on my weirdness. I tried to keep a straight face and act as nothing happened. I hurry to my car. I call Jake. “Did we, you know, do the things last night?” I ask. “Wow I thought you would remember something like that,” he says. I don’t have time for his shit today. “Listen to me, we don’t tell anyone about this. Do you hear me? Not one breath,” I say and hang up the call. My face is hot with tears.

  I can’t believe this has happened. I didn’t stop him. I let him. He was drunk, too. This was just a drunken mistake. Samantha knocks on my door and I jump. “Hey, we are working on centerpieces, want to join us? I have wine” she asks. “Jesus, Samantha it is nine o’clock in the morning,” I responded. “Hair of the dog,” she smiles. I tell her I just want to sleep. My head is throbbing, and I am so hungover. Evan checks on me before he heads out. I hope he has a good time with his dad. I lay in bed and think about things that have happened over the past few days. I am mad at myself for letting this happened over the past few days. I am mad at myself for letting this happen. And it was with Jake. How stupid am I?

  18

  Work drags on and I don’t have the energy to do anything. I’m still a little hungover, but not as bad as I was this morning. I chat
with the patrons and serve beer. I plaster on a fake smile. I just want to get through the night. My mind is somewhere else tonight. I step into the office for a minute to have some time to myself. If things stayed the same, Jake and I would be married by now. Maybe even have a little one on the way. I think about Evan. I think about what the future holds for us. I can see us together for the rest of our lives and have a family. The feeling of guilt washes over me again. I finish out the night and head home,

  When I get home, there are flowers on my dresser. They are pink and white Gerber daisies. They are gorgeous. I open the card and read it.

  A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN SHOULD BE SURROUNDED BY BEAUTIFUL THINGS

  It doesn’t say who it’s from, but I know who exactly sent them. I have another rush of guilt, but I smile. Part of me still has feelings for Jake. I don’t think I ever really got over him. I filled my days after the breakup to keep my mind off of him and what happened. I lay awake a while and thought about the past. I finally fell asleep.

  Samantha has all her wedding stuff spread out on the living room floor. It is mind-boggling to me the amount of planning that she is doing. Samantha is always the planner. Everything down to the last detail. It makes her good at her job. It makes my head hurt. “Do you need any help?” I asked her. She looks up at me with a crazed look in her eyes. “That would be nice. Momma has gone off to a meeting with the ladies of the church, I have no idea where Daddy is and Jake won't be back 'til the end of the week and I am losing my mind,” she says. I sit down beside her and we work together. Honestly, it’s nice. Maybe my sister and I can have a relationship.

  “Thank you for your help. I think we got a lot done,” she says. I smile and hug her. We clean up the mess and I get ready for work. I shoot Evan a text.

  L: I miss you so much! I hope you’re having fun.

  E: I miss you baby. We are.

  He sent me a few pictures of the trip. There is a lovely one of him and his dad with the big bass they caught. I think about getting it framed. My feelings for Evan are growing. I think I love him. I can’t wait for him to get back. I miss him so much. I just want to be in his arms.

  Samantha decided to have her bridal shower at the church for space-sake. All her friends are there. I don’t know half of these people except the ladies of the church and the ones from town. I grit my teeth and push through the affair. I am not a big fan of social gatherings. Everyone is so bubbly and chatty. It’s making me cringe. I at least attempted to dress for the part, in a floral sundress, as opposed to my black shirts and jeans or shorts. At least the food is good. Momma made her chicken and dressing again, and I am one hundred percent on board with that.

  Samantha walks over to me and hugs me. I am happy for her. Sort of. “Are you having a good time? I know this isn’t your forte?” She asks me. I fake smile, “Yeah, everything is so nice.” What I wanted to say to her is that she is making a mistake. I keep my mouth shut though. I want her to learn on her own. Samantha does seem in love. Naive, but in love. Everything with Jake is just a mess. The feelings I have for Jake are coming back. I have no idea what to do. I have strong feelings for Evan. I love him. But what am I supposed to do?

  My stomach is starting to hurt, and I feel nauseous. I get kind of clammy, so I sit down. Suddenly, I have the urge to throw up. I ran to the bathroom. After puking my guts up, I just sit there by the toilet with my head in my hands. I haven’t had any wine, so I know it’s not that. I haven’t overeaten either. I mentally go through everything in my head. The more I think about it, the more it makes my head hurt. I realize I haven’t had my period. How late am I? I do the calculations and figure out I am three weeks late. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t noticed. Shit. I find Momma and Samantha and tell them I am not feeling well so I am going to go home.

  I stop by the Dollar General and grab a couple of pregnancy tests. I lock myself in the bathroom, even though no one is home. I take two and save one in the morning. I wait a good five minutes just to be sure. They are both positive. Fuck me. The next morning, I took the last test. Positive. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know what to do. The worst part is I have no idea who the father is. Jake or Evan. What a mess this is. For right now, I will not tell anyone. I made a phone call.

  My appointment with the doctor isn’t 'til one, and I am early. I am a nervous wreck. I can’t seem to sit still. Finally, they called me back to a room. Dr. Williams looks the same now as he did when I was a kid. “Lottie Mae, look at you,” he says as he enters the room. “Hi Dr. Williams,” I replied. He gives me a bear hug. We catch up briefly and he asks what he can do for me. “Well, I believe I am pregnant,” I say, a few tears escaping. He promises me he will take care of me. I have blood drawn. I pace the waiting room. Finally, Dr. Williams comes back in. “Well girl, looks like you have a bun in the oven. Congratulations,” he says. My fears have just been confirmed. Tears well up in my eyes again. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. Either way, this is a cluster that’s for sure. He gives me some medicine for nausea and sets up an appointment with an obstetrician. I thank him and head back home.

  Evan is home from the fishing trip. I keep quiet about the pregnancy until I can figure out what to do. I stopped by his house on the way home. It’s so good to see him after being gone for a week. I fill him in on what has been going on at the bar and what needs to be done. I told him about the bridal shower. “I’ve missed you so much,” I say. “Baby I missed you,” he replies, kissing my forehead. I listen to him tell me about the fishing trip, but I’m not listening. I’m dazed and in another world.

  The wedding is less than two weeks away. I help Samantha and Momma as much as I can. Jake is back too. I try my hardest to avoid him, but he is around every corner. Momma and Samantha have gone to pick up her wedding dress and the bridesmaid dresses. Daddy is off piddling around. So, it’s just me and Jake at the house. I’m curled up in Daddy’s chair when Jake brings me a cup of tea. We make small talk, but mostly we stay silent. “Why don’t you come over here,” Jake says. I get up and he pulls me into his lap. “There, that’s nice,” he says as he pulls the blanket over us. I must admit it does feel nice laying here in his lap. “What are you thinking about?’ I ask him.

  “Why did I ever leave you?”

  “I’m pretty sure I left you.”

  “That you did. I was shitty to you.”

  “It happens.”

  “I think about what could have been all the time.”

  “Even though you are marrying Samantha in two weeks?”

  “Yea. I know it’s wrong, but you are the one that got away.”

  “Are you having doubts?’

  “Honestly?”

  “Honestly.”

  “I am.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m still in love with you.”

  This takes me by surprise. I am at a loss for words. I smile though. He knows I’m with Evan. I know I’m with Evan. At this moment though, I just let my mind wander. What exactly is Jake wanting here? Is he wanting me back? Is he realizing that he did want a future with me? I want to ask him these questions. I want to tell him about the pregnancy, even though I’m not sure yet if he is the father. This is a sticky situation.

  We sat there for a while just snuggling and kissing. I hear a car door and jump up and look out the window. Momma and Samantha are back. Jake and I scramble to make it look like we weren’t doing anything. Momma shakes her head when she walks into the kitchen. “I swear your sister is stubborn as a mule,” she says. I nod without saying anything. Samantha walks in carrying my dress. “Time to try it on to see if it needs any alterations,” she says. I follow her upstairs.

  I slip on the dress, but I can’t get it zipped. It’s snug. Samantha tries and fails. “Lottie, what have you been eating? It seems like you’ve gained weight. We’re going to have to let this dress out a little.” I bite my lip and look up to the heavens.” I don’t know. It fit perfectly at the dress shop.” She takes her measuring tape and measures my
waist and shakes her head, “Good thing we have time. Better go on a diet.” I fight the urge to stick my tongue out at her.

  “Come on in here, I want to talk to you,” Momma says. I sit down at the table and Momma places a cup of tea in front of me. “Is there anything you want to tell me?” she asks. I stiffen up and look everywhere but her. I think she knows. I tread lightly, “What do you mean?” She looks at me with a squint. “Well, judging by the number of pickles in the fridge, and you puking at any given moment, I figure something is up,” she says. Yeah, she knows. She just wants to hear me say it.

  “I have something to tell you, but you can’t say anything. Not just yet,” I say, looking down at my cup, “I’m pregnant.” Her face lights up and she is smiling from ear to ear. I think for a moment and take a deep breath, “I don’t know who the father is.” Momma doesn’t say anything for a good five minutes. “Who do you think it is?” she asks. This conversation is hard, especially with my Momma. I think it would be worse with Daddy. “It’s either Evan’s,” I say. “Or?” Momma says, waiting for me to stop beating around the bush. “or Jake’s.”

  Momma sits there. She doesn't say anything. I am trying to judge her reaction. Either she is in shock, or she is not surprised. I brace myself. “This is quite the pickle you are in,” she finally says. This is the kind of trouble Samantha would get herself into. Not me. I’m the good one. “Well, we will figure it out,” she says, hugging me. I ask her to keep it between us only until I can figure out what to do. She is right, this is quite the pickle. Daddy comes in and I tell him the news. I leave out what Momma and I talked about. He is so excited to have a grandchild. I ask him not to tell anyone just yet. He kisses my forehead and hugs me.

  I talk with Duke and Evan and decide to take a few days off for personal reasons. Also, because Samantha’s wedding is Saturday, and she needs a lot of help. The planning for the wedding has been crazy. It makes my head hurt. I helped as much as I could.