Walk of Shame

by Gregory, O. L.

  "Has anybody ever done this to you?"

  I gave him a panting laugh. "No, you're the first."

  "Good." He continued to claim his territory, one toe at a time.

  Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!

  He laid my foot on the sheet and moved to loom over me. "My name is Michael," he whispered, having heard my not so silent litany.

  "Make love to me."

  "Do you?" he asked.

  "Do I what?"

  "Do you love me?"

  I wrapped my hands behind his neck and drew him down until we were all but nose-to-nose. "You wouldn't be here if I didn't."

  He reached down a second before I heard his artifice hit the floor.

  I took that as show of cooperation and I yanked his shirt up and got it off with a little help from him. Then I attacked the belt buckle and fly on his shorts.

  Once I had them off, he pinned my wrists back up above my head. He nibbled on my ear before he whispered, "So impatient." I whimpered as he began trailing kisses down the front of my body. He gathered himself up on all fours along the way, and then next thing I knew, he'd flipped me over onto my stomach and pulled off my shorts and panties.

  I forgot how to breathe when he started drizzling honey across my lower back and my rear end. I went back to panting when his tongue followed the trail.

  Mewling noises, which I'd never made before in my life, came out of me. My hips were squirming involuntarily, looking for some kind of friction. I was on the verge of begging when his fingers finally came to my body's rescue. Ohmigod!

  But it wasn't enough. He'd build me up and then back off. Build me up and then back off. I was being tortured and I couldn't take it anymore.

  I got up on all fours, intending to turn and attack him.

  The moment my butt was in the air, he wrapped his hands around my hips, adjusted my angle, and plunged. The rhythm he set was firm, steady.

  Ohmigod. Thank God.

  He let out a choppy laugh. "Michael, I'm Michael."

  I let out a moan and adjusted my angle just so, and we both stopped talking.

  Saturday

  "Was it really that good?" Chloe asked, breathless on the other end of the phone.

  I gave a dreamy sigh. "No. It was better."

  "Well there you have it," she said.

  "There I have what?"

  "You're decision. It's pretty much made now, right?"

  "Um, no?"

  "Why not? Don't you want to have sex like that for the rest of your life?"

  "Just because Mike did it like that once doesn't mean he does it like that all the time."

  "Yeah, like maybe there's usually blindfolds and bondage involved. And this time he was just going easy on you."

  "I've been in his bedroom, there's nothing weird hanging around in his room."

  "Maybe he's just really good about keeping it hidden away during dry spells."

  "Chloe, good grief. Maybe Liam was the one going easy on me, keeping things simple until he really reels me in."

  "Maybe. Have you been in his bedroom?"

  "No."

  "I should have checked out everyone's bedrooms when I was there. Why didn't I think to do that?"

  "You're killing my afterglow buzz."

  "So what did you two do this morning?"

  "We fell asleep after sunrise, so we slept until it was time to leave."

  "And what does that tone of voice mean?"

  "It means we squeezed in a quickie before we had to dress and go."

  "And it was good, too, wasn't it?"

  "Yeah, it was," my smile leaching into my voice.

  I hung up with Chloe and went for a run with Goldie. As sad as it sounds, I had to shake off the effects of last night. I needed to clear my head so I could be objective.

  "I don't understand why you're so worked up this evening," Troy said as we sat down and went over the entire week. "This week's decision has been made."

  "I can't do this anymore," I told him. "I'm starting to lose my mind."

  Troy sat back in his chair, elbow propped on the arm of the chair, holding his hand just in front of his face. His finger rubbing across his chin as he regarded me. "What do you mean? That you want to back out and choose no one, or that you want to go ahead and make the decision this week?"

  "I want to make a choice."

  "Okay, you're set on who it is, then?"

  "No."

  His hand shifted to squeeze his temples with his thumb and forefinger. "Then are you really going flip a coin? Because that will be a first."

  "No. I don't know how I'm going to figure it out, but I'll think of something."

  "Might I offer two suggestions?"

  "I'll entertain any ideas you have."

  "Lay it out for them tomorrow night. Just be completely honest about how this is for you. Then offer them the choice to stay or not. One of them might just make the decision for you."

  I nodded. "Okay. And the other suggestion?"

  "Talk to your Mom."

  "I can't get her to talk to me. She's gone all silent."

  "She's your mother. If you explain how stuck you are, she'll help you think it through. And she'll more than likely know what to say to you, to help you get the right perspective on it."

  I nodded. "I want to lay it out tonight for them."

  "Okay, okay," he said, rolling the possibilities around in his mind. "We'll make that happen."

  We moved on with the interview.

  They had the cameras set up around a picnic table alongside the lake. They brought Mike and Liam to sit on one side and Troy sat down on the other. I watched back in production's trailer as Troy explained that I wanted to speak to them.

  Mike and Liam shared a look before Liam turned to Troy.

  "Where's Jared?" Liam asked.

  "Jared's gone, he left a few hours into his lockdown," Troy answered.

  "Well, is she bringing him back or something?" Mike asked.

  "No. No one's coming back, but she needs to speak with the two of you."

  The guys nodded and waited as Troy stood and I was cued to go out there.

  I came on camera and sat down across from them.

  "Are you all right?" Mike quietly asked.

  I shook my head. "No. I've been a wreck ever since the beginning of visiting everyone's families. Now, Phillip made it easy with my finding out about his... misrepresentations. And technically, I've already made this week's elimination by saying goodbye to Jared. Because when push comes to shove, I am not a swamp girl."

  "Then what's the problem, if you're set for this week, then we just move into the final week," Liam said.

  Tears flooded my eyes and both men looked horrified. Someone from production set tissues on the edge of the table, just off-camera, and I grabbed one. "I can't do this for another week. I can't torture myself, or the two of you, with another week of this back and forth. I am physically exhausted and emotionally spent. I want to figure this out at the Walk of Shame tomorrow. I need to come to a decision, for all our sakes. I know you both want this over as much as I need it to be finished."

  "Do you know who you're choosing?" Mike asked.

  I swiped a hand across my forehead. "You know how I'm always standing up there going 'I'm good, I'm good'? Well, I'm not good right now. To be completely honest with both of you, I'm torn. I'm so torn, I'm disgusted with myself. I thought that by this point, I'd know who I was meant to be with. I'd keep my mind open and use my time to learn more about each of you. I figured I'd have a firm grip on who it was I was sold on by now. But, I just don't."

  They both remained silent, either letting me vent, or not sure what to say.

  So, I continued talking. "I can see a future with you both, and both options look good to me. See, here's the thing, if Mike weren't here, I'd know I was supposed to be with Liam. And if Liam weren't here, it'd be Mike, hands down. But you're both here, and you're both so amazing, and make me feel so wonderful. It's messing with my head. I
can't come up with a single legitimate reason to say goodbye to either one of you."

  Mike looked up at the cameras and made a 'T' with his hands. "All right, time-out guys." He turned back to me, "Are you trying to build a clamor for ratings here? Or do you seriously mean that you're this torn between us?"

  "I am really this torn," I said.

  "So you love us both, and you slept with us both?" Mike guessed.

  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and looked up at a nearby tree. I forced myself to meet their gazes before I spoke though, I'd gotten myself into this mess, it was up to me to see it through. "Yes," I whispered. Besides, I'd rather them find it out now, instead of later from either rumors or watching the show.

  "Who else?" Mike asked.

  "No one else, and neither of you before this week," I answered.

  Mike scrubbed his hands on his face. Liam looked down at the ground.

  "Why tell us all this?" Liam asked.

  "Because if either, or both, of you can't handle this, or don't want a marriage with me, then please put me out of my misery now. Let's come to an adult decision here. This, right here, right now, isn't about the cameras that are still rolling. This is about our lives. I'm laying the truth out on the table. I need to know the truth in whether or not you're each willing to handle it."

  "And if we both walk away?" Mike asked.

  "Then I hole up somewhere and cry my heart out for a month," I said.

  "And if one of us walks away, the other will just be sitting there out of the process of elimination," Liam said.

  I scrunched my brows and shook my head. "It's not like that. I'll find out who actually wants me in return. No one here is sloppy seconds for me. You're both first-class in my mind, that's my whole problem. You are both genuinely great guys. You two are like two different versions of the Mr. Perfect fantasy I have painted in my head."

  "And if we both stay?" Mike asked.

  "Whoever I have to say goodbye to will break my heart. But I promise that I will get my crap together and make a decision on this. For my own sake, I can't drag this out any longer."

  The three of us sat there in silence for minutes on end, each of the two guys lost in their own thoughts, and me holding my breath, waiting to see what they'd say.

  "I'm still in," Liam said. "I don't care what went on last night. It's not like I didn't know you were dating someone else. I only care what goes on from tomorrow onward. After tomorrow, we'll either be broken up, or you and I will have a commitment."

  It took Mike another moment before he spoke. "I told you before that I could deal with this as long as I went last in the rotation. You managed to put me in the last spot, so I will remain true to my word. I've told you exactly how I feel about you. I know that you're confident in me. I just wish you weren't so confident in him. But, yeah, I want the commitment. I'm staying."

  I nodded at them, convincing myself that I was capable of making this choice.

  I went home. I lay in bed. But I didn't sleep that night.

  Sunday

  "This is ridiculous," Chloe said. "There's supposed to be one perfect guy out there for each of us. Are you trying to tell me you've found two?"

  "Maybe. And, I mean, who says there's only one guy out there? What about people who find their match, marry him, he dies, and she finds another one? If those people get two, why can't I have two?"

  "But you can't marry two. At least not in this country."

  "What the hell am I supposed to do!?"

  "Why are you forcing yourself to make this decision before you have to? You're obviously not ready."

  "Because this is tearing me up inside. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm not okay. I can't drag this out another week. And if I'm like this, I can't imagine what the guys are going through."

  "Okay, so, if they're both Mr. Perfect, then does it really matter which one you choose?"

  "What if I only think they're both perfect. What if one really is, but the other one only seems like he is, but he's not, and we end up divorced? That kind of thing happens all the time. And I'll have thrown away the real Mr. Perfect."

  "You're making me dizzy."

  "You're making me frustrated. Help!"

  "Okay! All right... All right... Uh... Oh! How do you feel in Mike's arms?"

  I took a breath and imagined standing in his arms. "He re-centers me. The world falls away, and my head becomes clear. And then I get distracted and turned on."

  "Okay. And how do you feel in Liam's arms?"

  "Safe, protected. Like the rest of the world just doesn't matter. And then I get distracted and turned on."

  "Isn't that just about the same thing?"

  "Yeah. Look, I need you to work some sort of magic here. Figure out how to make this decision click in my head for me."

  "Okay! Okay... Oh, I got it! I got it. Ready? What's the one thing you want to be able to look at one of them and say to yourself?"

  Without thinking, I opened my mouth and answered. "I'm so...ld." My mind flashed back to the night of the limos.

  Chloe laughed. "I knew you were going to say that."

  I gave the phone a disbelieving look. "How?"

  "Do you read your own books? At some point, the heroine always thinks about the hero and uses the phrase, 'I'm sold'."

  "Seriously?"

  "Yes. Do you remember your first impressions of Liam and Mike?"

  "Yeah."

  "How do you even remember?"

  "Do you know how many times I've watched that footage? How many times they've gone back and asked me to view highlights of each guy, beginning with our initial meeting, and outline the progression of each relationship for them?"

  "Okay, you remember. Aaaaand?"

  "One of them made me say 'I'm done'. The other made me say 'I'm sold'."

  "'I'm done' sounds like you don't want to debate anymore. But 'I'm sold' sounds like there's nothing left to debate."

  "I can't believe you just broke that down and made it so simple."

  "Yeah, but I'm twenty-one and just a big flirt. Plus, your initial responses to them weren't based upon anything but a gut-reaction. You... you know who you need."

  I sighed. I knew who I needed, but I wasn't sure how to make it happen. "Is she home?"

  "Yeah."

  "Is she still mad about this?"

  "She's still cleaning. The house sparkles."

  I sighed. "Put your phone on speaker and hold it near her."

  Chloe snickered. "I love it when you let me be a fly on the wall."

  I listened to Chloe hit a button, get up, and open the door. "Mom," she called into the other room. "You got a minute?"

  "Yeah," I heard Mom say.

  "All right, go," Chloe said.

  "Mom," I called into the phone. "Mom, I need you. I know you don't approve, and I'm sorry I'm making different life choices from anything you'd have ever considered. I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter you wanted and I'm all kinds of nontraditional and un-rooted. But I need you. For five minutes, please, I need my mommy."

  I could hear someone handling the phone and tapping a button, taking me off speakerphone. "I've never not wanted you," Mom said, to my relief. "I just don't feel like I understand you."

  "It's the same for me, too. But I still love you with all my heart," I said.

  "You know that goes both ways," she said.

  "I do. Which is how I know that you'll give me sane advice."

  "What's the matter?"

  "I've got two great guys left. I mean, really great for me guys."

  "What do you want from me?"

  "How can I choose? If they both seem like I could be happy with either one, if they're both so great and wonderful. If I'm certain that if I'd met either one of them in my normal life, I'd still have known he was the one. If I can come up with no reason to eliminate either one of them, how do I know which one I should leave behind?"

  She held her silence for a moment before letting out a sigh. "You're looking at it all wrong."

>   "I'm begging you to enlighten me, please, Mom."

  She let out half a chuckle. "Love and marriage isn't about finding someone you can live with. It's about finding someone you can't live without. Who is it going to devastate you to say goodbye to? And if the answer is neither one, then you still haven't found a husband yet, no matter what that cockamamie show claims."

  I thought about it for a moment, picturing saying goodbye to each of them, and measuring the ache in my heart with each vision. Then I smiled into the phone. "Thank you, Mommy."

  She softly grunted. "You're welcome, baby."

  I said my goodbyes and went to go climb into my bed. Finally at peace, I drifted off to sleep moments later for a much needed power nap.

  "Are you all set?" Troy asked from my doorway.

  I turned from my laptop where I'd been typing up a quick draft of an article about the resort we'd been using. "Sure am."

  He did a double take. "You've decided, then."

  "Yes."

  "And you feel confident?"

  "I feel wonderful."

  "Awesome," he said with a broad smile. "Just remember that production is going to want to see both of these guys propose."

  I was already shaking my head. "I'm not letting the one I'm sending home propose. I will not subject him to that kind of humiliation. It's too cruel."

  "Em, it's what they both signed up for."

  "I don't care. Dress them up. Bring them onsite. But I'm not letting them both get down on bended knee."

  "Will you at least wait until he starts to get down on a knee?"

  "If he doesn't back me into a corner, looking for a decision before he's willing to do it."

  "Okay, then by all means, let's get you over to makeup and wardrobe. They want you to come to them this time, so they have all their stuff on hand as they doll you up for tonight."

  I chatted with the staff as they did my makeup and hair. I even joked around with them. The sense of relief in me was light and freeing. Not only did I know whom I was going to choose, but this would also be the last time these people ever put me in five-inch, strappy heels.

  The Walk of Shame for tonight was a pier that led to a wide dock. When I got onsite, I looked out at the dock and saw a guy out there with a shop vac.

  "Is that guy vacuuming the dock?" I asked.