by Sarah Bailey
“Do you still love me?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
I nodded, not willing to say the words out loud yet. Not until I could be sure I’d let go of the pain he’d inflicted on my heart.
“Move forward with me, little queen. Let me be what you need.”
I didn’t answer him with words. Leaning forward, I pressed my mouth to his. His hands wrapped around my thighs. He did nothing else but let me kiss him. When I pulled away, I rested my forehead against his.
“I’ll try to.”
He smiled, setting my world on fire even though I still felt like shit physically, what with the hangover raging through my system.
“Will you let me take you out? Just the two of us, to reacquaint ourselves with each other.”
I nodded, not wanting to let him go. No one would care about our age difference now. It wouldn’t hold us back any longer. Only my heart would, but in time, I hoped I could learn to trust him again.
Our lips met again, but this time the kiss became urgent. His hands moved from my thighs, curling around my behind as I gripped his head with mine.
“Cole,” my moan vibrated across his mouth, my hips grinding into his.
All of my senses came alive at his touch. The aftereffects of drinking no longer seemed to matter when I had him between my legs. All the feelings I had two years ago when Cole and I were together rushed back. The want. The need. The craving. He was so familiar. So real.
My hands dropped from his head, running down his chest and sliding under his t-shirt. All his hard muscles remained. Just like I remembered. I’d always loved the way his skin felt under my fingertips.
“Do you want me?” he murmured.
I shouldn’t. Now wasn’t the time to get lost in him. And yet, I didn’t want to stop either. I didn’t have to ask if he wanted me. That much was clear by the way he’d hardened between my legs. I pulled away, staring at him as my chest heaved with each breath.
“I do, but I don’t think we should… not yet.”
He nodded, reaching up and stroking my cheek.
“Breakfast then?”
I stared at him in wonder. Sometimes he surprised me with how considerate of my feelings he could be. Yes, he’d hurt me, but before that, he’d always made sure I was happy with anything he did.
“Yeah, breakfast.”
I crawled off him and got up, rubbing my head before I went over to my cupboards and pulled out a pair of jogging bottoms and a hoodie. Tugging them on, I shuffled back over to the bed and picked up my mug. Cole had got up and pulled his clothes on. The two of us went downstairs and into the kitchen, finding Rhys had cooked us up some bacon sandwiches.
“Oh my god, you are a lifesaver,” I told him as I went over and wrapped my arm around his waist, leaning against his side. Rhys placed a kiss on my forehead and ruffled my hair, which was still half up in a bun and braids.
“You seem a little perkier.”
“Tea helped.” And Cole’s kisses. Those made me feel alive.
He raised an eyebrow.
“Hmm, why don’t I believe that is the only reason?”
“Shut up,” I muttered, pulling away and going to sit beside Cole, who put his hand on my knee.
Rhys sat across from us with his own plate. The three of us ate in a companionable silence. Cole turned to me when he was done, leaning back in his chair.
“I need to get going, but I’d like to know when I can take you out.”
I looked at my plate, feeling a little awkward with Rhys being here and having not talked to him about Cole properly.
“Depends on what you have in mind.”
“Well, I was hoping you’d let me take you to dinner. It would also be nice if you wanted to come over at some point. I’m sure my parents would be happy to see you.”
“Dinner during the week would be okay. I’d like to see them too.”
Cole pulled out his phone and made me put my new number in it. Then he got up, placing a kiss on top of my head before gathering up his stuff.
“I’ll call you later, yeah?”
I nodded, capturing him by the hand before he disappeared. He raised an eyebrow at me. I got up out of my chair and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my face into his chest. Cole hugged me back, leaning his chin on the top of my head.
“Monday,” I whispered. “Dinner on Monday.”
I didn’t want to wait long to see him. Honestly, I didn’t want him to go at all, but I knew it would be better for me to get my head straight first.
“Okay, little queen, Monday it is.”
He pulled away and smiled at me. I gave him an awkward shrug before he walked away. A minute later, I heard the front door slam. Dropping back into my chair, I pushed my plate away and planted my arms on the table, leaning my head against them.
“So… you’re just forgiving him?” Rhys asked.
“Not exactly.”
“And that means?”
Rhys didn’t look like he disapproved, but I sometimes couldn’t tell with him.
“He explained why he left me and apologised for it, but it doesn’t mean I forgive him for it or trust him not to hurt me again.”
“And yet you’re making plans with him anyway.”
I closed my eyes. My head still hurt and I didn’t like the way Rhys sounded as if I was making a huge mistake.
“Just because someone hurt you, doesn’t mean you can just stop loving them or turn your feelings off.”
“Trust me, I’m aware of that, but you ended for a reason. Do you really think he deserves a second chance after the way he treated you?”
“He didn’t leave to deliberately hurt me. He didn’t want to come between me and Jonah. He ended our relationship to protect me from that, and honestly, it was too hard with our age difference back then. It’s so stupid. If he was the older one, it wouldn’t be a thing, but as the older woman, there’s this stigma attached. You should’ve heard the way Cole’s grandmother went off on his mum about it all.”
I buried my face in my arms, wishing I didn’t have to justify my actions to my best friend.
“I still love Cole, Rhys. I never stopped. He is kind, caring, considerate and wants to make it up to me. Shouldn’t I give the person who showed me I was beautiful and helped me overcome my fears and insecurities about myself a chance to prove he’s sorry? I don’t want to live with regrets or grudges. I just… I just want him. I can’t help it. I want Cole. I need Cole. I love him so fucking much.”
The truth slammed into me. No matter what he’d done, I couldn’t let him go. My first love. I couldn’t walk away from what the two of us shared. It didn’t work like that for me. It didn’t feel right to throw it away. Our connection had remained despite the circumstances of our breakup. And I wanted that closeness with him. I wanted him back as much as he wanted me.
I felt Rhys’ hand on my arm, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Loving someone isn’t always enough.”
The sadness in his voice tugged at my heart. Rhys spoke as if he knew exactly what it felt like to love someone so fiercely you think you can’t live without them and yet… love hadn’t been enough. I wished he’d tell me what happened to him. Why he’d closed his heart to the possibility of a relationship with another person.
“It’s enough for me to know I need to try. I want to forgive him. I want to put the past behind us and look to the future.” I raised my head, looking into his dark eyes and realising he was merely worried for me. He wanted me to be sure of what I was doing. “I need to do this. Can you understand that? Understand that if I don’t try, I’ll spend the rest of my life with regrets and what ifs.”
It took a minute for his eyes to soften and for him to nod.
“Yeah, Mer, I can understand that.”
I smiled and hoped beyond hope giving Cole a chance wouldn’t backfire on me. I hoped I wouldn’t end up regretting this more than anything else. I didn’t c
are what Rhys said. Right now, love was enough for me. It had to be.
Cole might never have said those words to me, but why else would he be back if he didn’t feel that way about me?
If he didn’t love me?
The simple answer was he wouldn’t.
Love had to be enough. I couldn’t live without Cole Carter again. I just… couldn’t.
Chapter Thirty One
I fidgeted on the sofa, nerves prickling across my skin. It wasn’t going on a date with Cole, which had my stomach in knots. It was the fact he told me he’d be picking me up on his motorbike. Whilst I’d told him I’d love to go on the back of it sometime, I had not expected him to suggest it straight away. In preparation, I’d put on my warmest pair of jeans and a thick jumper to go on underneath my coat.
I jumped up the moment the doorbell rang before anyone else could answer it. My mouth went dry at the sight of Cole standing outside with a helmet and a motorcycle jacket in his hands, his dirty blonde hair tousled and a sly smile on his face.
“Evening.”
“Hi,” I all but whispered.
He held up the jacket and the helmet. I stared at them for a moment, noticing he was already wearing a jacket himself.
“Are those for me?”
“I didn’t want you to get cold.”
My heart went haywire in my chest, but I kept my cool, giving him a smile.
“Well, thank you.”
I took the jacket from him and shrugged it on, not wanting to ask why it was in my size and fit me perfectly. Cole had gone out of his way to get this for me. He tucked the helmet under his arm and zipped it up for me. Then he carefully put the helmet over my head, securing the strap. I’d braided my hair so it wouldn’t get ruined.
Cole took my hand, allowing me to shut the front door behind me before leading me over to his motorbike. He placed his own helmet on and sat astride it. I hooked my leg over and sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist instinctively.
“You need to hold on tighter than that,” he told me. “Don’t let go, no matter what.”
I obliged, squeezing my arms around him. He started the motorbike and I felt it rumble beneath my thighs. Equal parts nervous and excited, I pressed harder against his back, knowing he would keep me safe.
I almost let out a squeal when we set off. Cole didn’t go too fast, but it didn’t stop the adrenaline pumping through my veins at the experience of being on the back of a motorbike for the first time in my life.
We weaved in and out of the rush hour traffic, making our way to wherever he was taking me to dinner. I completely understood why Cole wanted to ride one of these, but I didn’t think I’d have the guts to do it on my own. I was thankful for the helmet so the wind didn’t whip around my face. And the jacket he’d got me was warm, keeping the chill in the air at bay.
By the time we stopped, I was so hyped up from the whole experience, I was practically vibrating with it. Hastily, I pulled off the helmet and when Cole took his own off, I couldn’t help myself. I went up on my tiptoes, wrapping my arm around his neck and planting my lips on his. He was a little startled by my sudden, bold movement, but his arm came around me after a moment. His kiss wasn’t in any way gentle and I didn’t want it to be.
When we pulled apart, his breathing was a tad laboured and his eyes were dark with heat. He smirked at me, setting my blood on fire.
“I take it you enjoyed that.”
I nodded, licking my lip and staring at his mouth. He chuckled, pulling away so he could wrap an arm around me, dragging me away towards the pay station for the car park.
“Who’d have thought my little queen would be a speed demon.”
“Shut up.”
“Oh no, I like it… a lot.”
I felt my face growing hot as images of us fucking on his motorbike flittered across my mind. That would never happen, of course, but thinking about it was hot. Honestly, I hadn’t been able to get thoughts of me and Cole naked together out of my head. Before we’d seen each other again, it’d been two years since I had sex. Cole was too hot for words. Currently, his hair was falling in his eyes as he paid for our parking. And here I was, trying not to drool all over him like some rabid nympho.
I managed to get my thoughts under control as we walked to the restaurant. It was this Moroccan place and had all these low tables with benches and cushions for us to sit on. I couldn’t help looking around in awe at all the colourful artwork and mosaics.
“You like?” Cole asked, taking my hand.
He sat next to me, something I was happy about. Being close to him made me feel alive.
“Yes, definitely.”
He sat back, smiling at me.
“Mum and Dad took me to Morocco for my seventeenth birthday.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“They did? I didn’t think your dad would be up for flying, what with all the people and stuff.”
Cole shrugged. He’d told me a little about his dad and how he wasn’t so keen on crowds or being around people in general.
“He was okay with it, though he only agreed for me and Mum. Think flying first-class helped. It was hot as fuck there, but we had a good time. I think the rest of my dads appreciated Mum’s tan when we got back.” He shuddered as he said it. “Honestly, her reunion with Quinn, Xav and Eric was kind of sickening to watch.”
I snorted, well aware of how open his parents were around their kids when it came to their love for each other.
“They have no shame.”
“Zero. No point me complaining since they’d only tell me it’s their house and they can do what they want in it. Duke exited the room pretty quickly after telling them they’d destroyed his innocence.”
“Duke and innocent are two words I never thought I’d hear in the same sentence.”
Cole chuckled, stroking a thumb down the back of my hand.
“Oh no, the most innocent one out of us is Raphi.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that if I was you.”
Cole’s eyebrows shot up.
“No?”
I’d heard a few stories from Raphi about what he’d been getting up to at university. Some of it concerned me since further shit had gone down between him and my brother in the intervening years. It hadn’t helped their friendship, relationship or whatever it was in the slightest. If anything, it was worse now.
“I don’t know what he’s told you about him and Jonah.”
Cole rolled his eyes.
“Nothing. Every time I’ve mentioned anything to do with Jonah, Raphi gets pissy and changes the subject. He doesn’t want to talk about it at all.”
I wasn’t sure whether or not to tell Cole what I knew. Raphi had told me a few things after I’d pestered him, considering Jonah was still being very tight-lipped. Those two needed their heads bashing together, in my opinion.
“I think I know why he and Jonah are so fucked up about each other, but if Raphi hasn’t told you anything, then I can’t really say what it is.”
Cole gave me a sad smile.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. Wouldn’t want you to betray either of them.”
“Oh, Jonah is still adamant he’s never telling me what went down, but Raphi gave me some clues. He called me the Inquisition when I was grilling him about it.”
Cole’s smile turned brighter.
“I can well imagine. You are like a dog with a bone sometimes.”
I shrugged. Saying it like it was made some people uncomfortable, but I wasn’t the type of person to beat around the bush. Rhys often told me my honesty was refreshing and my pestering incredibly irritating.
The waiter came over to us and I realised I hadn’t even looked at the menu. Cole merely grinned and said he’d pick a selection of things for the both of us. As he was driving, the two of us ordered mocktails. I often tried to restrict my drinking until the weekends so I could be fresh for uni. Some students got pissed most ni
ghts of the week and were barely sober during classes.
“How’s uni going?” Cole asked when he’d finished speaking to the waiter.
“Good, keeps me busy and I’m learning a lot.”
“Still want to work in stage production then?”
I nodded, grinning.
“Definitely. I can’t wait.”
Cole knew all about my dream to work in the West End. He’d actively encouraged me in pursuing it as a career.
“So, if I got us tickets for the theatre, you’d be up for it?”
Instead of answering with words, I leant over and kissed his cheek, running my hand down his chest. As I pulled away, I caught his smirk. Cole knew exactly where to take me out. The boy was nothing if not thoughtful. My interests hadn’t changed much in the past two years. I would never turn down a trip to the theatre.
“What would you prefer, a musical or something more serious?”
“Well, if you take me to the Globe, you’d be guaranteed to get lucky afterwards.”
His hazel eyes darkened and it made me shiver.
“Is that so?”
“Uhuh.”
He leant closer, resting his hand on my thigh. I fought hard not to react, even though everything about him turned me on and I’d had very dirty thoughts about him earlier.
“And tonight?”
I bit my lip.
“Perhaps.”
Honestly, I’d forgotten all the reasons why I shouldn’t let Cole into my bed. He made me want him so fucking bad just by being his sexy-self. I couldn’t help it. I mean, we weren’t back together. I wasn’t sure what it would take to help me trust him again, but it didn’t stop my body needing his. Being close to Cole and knowing he was still mine if I wanted him was far too much of a temptation.
“I can see it in your eyes, Meredith,” he murmured.