The Amazing Magnificent Stupendous Incredible Outstanding Unbeatable Exceptional (and Humble) Rubberband Boy

by Jonathan Neuman

  Cayden was still two blocks behind. A minute later, he reached the bus, breathing hard, sweat pouring down his face. He clutched the handrail for support as he pulled himself up the steps. He eyed Igor’s borscht and began drooling.

  “Vy you no come out on time, Cyclops?”

  Cayden wiped away the drool and looked up at Igor.

  “My name is Cayden, not Cyclops,” he said, still trying to catch his breath.

  “Boy vit crazy costume must khave nickname. You vill be Cyclops.”

  “It’s not a costume, it’s for my eye.” Then Cayden thought for a moment. He had always wanted to be a superhero. “But, if you want to call me something, call me … Captain Cayden!” he said proudly.

  Igor was still stroking his chin. He pulled another chunk of pie out of his mustache. This time it was blueberry.

  “So, you like to be called new name, eh? Fine, your new name vill be Captain Cayden Vone-Eyed Villy Nickname Cyclops.”

  “No! Just Captain Cayden!”

  John couldn’t resist stirring up a little trouble.

  “And maybe we should throw in a sir at the end.”

  Cayden turned and glared at John. The two boys didn’t really like each other too much. Igor looked at John in the rearview mirror and nodded with approval.

  “Yes, zat make it perfect. Ve vill call you Captain Cayden Vone-Eyed Villy Nickname Cyclops Sir. Everybody on bus vill call you zis. Zat is ze new rule effective immediately.”

  The kids on the bus howled with laughter as a red-faced Cayden took his seat. Each one saluted as he walked by and endearingly called him by his new name. Cayden’s face got redder and angrier with each kid he passed.

  “Stop calling me that!”

  John cupped his hand over his mouth and called out “Tookie tookie tookie tookie!” in a high-pitched voice. Cayden glared menacingly, waved his fist at John, and shouted “Cut that out!” His face was dark red and his cheeks were practically glowing. John didn’t let up.

  “Hey, maybe we should incorporate rosy cheeks somewhere into Captain Cayden One-Eyed Willy Nickname Cyclops Sir’s new name,” John suggested.

  “No! No rosy cheeks! It’s fine the way it is!” Cayden said, his face looking like it was about to explode.

  John beamed. “Oh, so you like the new name?”

  Cayden covered his face with his hands. “No! Be quiet! Leave me alone!”

  Igor looked up at Cayden in the rearview mirror.

  “Hey, Captain Cayden Vone Eyed Villy Nickname Cyclops Sir, sit down and be qviet. You are very troublesome boy. Ve must make man out of you.”

  John called out another round of tookies. Cayden screamed in frustration and took a seat. Igor picked up his borscht to take a swig, but the bottle was empty. He cleared his throat and said, “Now ve go to school, but first, ve get more borscht in bottle.”

  John suggested that Captain Cayden One-Eyed Willy Nickname Cyclops Sir be the one to go to the store to buy the drink. Igor agreed. Dave began laughing so hard that he fell forward into the gum. He tried to pull his face off the seat in front of him but was unable. He shouted “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and began to sob again. John grinned. It was going to be a great year.

  Cayden buried his face in his hands and groaned.

  The bus arrived forty-five minutes late. Waiting in front of the school was the official school hall monitor. He immediately sent the kids to the principal’s office. The big, dreary looking “OH NO ELEMENTARY” on top of the school’s front doors seemed to laugh at them as the dejected kids shuffled into the school. The school was named after its founder, Dr. Steven Ohrno, a psychologist who had specialized in misbehaving children. When John was in third grade, the “R” had fallen off and mysteriously disappeared during a rather harsh blizzard. The school was going to replace the “R,” but both the teachers and the students decided that the new spelling was more appropriate.

  The thirteen kids made their way down the main hall, and with much pushing and shoving, crowded into the principal’s office. Principal Freeman, reclining in his brown leather swivel chair, had his feet propped up on his desk. He was reading the morning newspaper and was sucking on a delicious-looking red lollypop. The lollypop looked like it had come from a box that had been confiscated from John last year. At the time, John had found a box of thumbtacks and had been sticking them on other kids’ seats. The other kids were always smart enough to notice and would pretend to sit on them and then jump up in pain. When one time Principal Freeman made a surprise visit to the class and actually sat on one, John’s locker was raided and both his thumbtacks and lollypops were taken away. John stared at the lollypop angrily and vowed revenge.

  “Who wants to tell me what happened?” Principal Freeman asked without looking up.

  One of John’s classmates, Caroline, began speaking. Her red hair was particularly vibrant, and it perfectly matched the lollypop’s color.

  “Well, we were on time, but then we had to go back for Captain Cayden One Eyed Willy Nickname Cyclops Sir.”

  Principal Freeman lowered the newspaper and took the lollypop out of his mouth.

  “You had to go back for who?”

  Another classmate began talking. His nickname was “Duh,” due to his peculiar habit of beginning every sentence with “duuuh.” Nobody knew his real name, and nobody was sure if Duh himself even knew it anymore. John always suspected that there was more to Duh than met the eye.

  “Duuuh, your statement is grammatically incorrect. It should either be ‘you had to go back for whom’ or ‘whom did you have to go back for’. The subject is you so you can’t say who.”

  Principal Freeman stood up, slammed the newspaper on his desk, and stared down at Duh, his eyes bulging and his eyebrows raised as high as they could go.

  “What did you just say?!”

  “He said that your sentence was grammatically incorrect,” Jack, the oldest kid in the fifth grade, responded. Jack had been John’s best friend before John had met Dave. “We learned about when to use ‘who’ and when to use ‘whom’ in third grade. I know it was a long time ago, but didn’t they have those words when you were a kid?”

  Principal Freeman was livid.

  “OUT, OUT! All of you get out! You all have detention! I’ll make sure that Bumberry has you yodeling until your lungs are sore!”

  The kids all groaned and shuffled out of the office.

  “Nice going Duh,” Dave said angrily.

  Duh looked at him innocently. “Duuuh, well his sentence was wrong. I felt it was imperative to correct him.”

  “Did anyone ever tell you that you have a big mouth?” grumbled another fifth-grader, Bill.

  “Duuuh, sure, watch what I can do,” Duh said as he stuck his entire fist into his mouth.

  The kids all rolled their eyes and stormed away from Duh. They quickly made their way to the fifth grade classroom. John was the first one to the door. He opened it, ready to stride in, when he was hit in the face by a blinding flash of light. The sudden and unexpected flash caused him to fall backward and knock into Dave. Dave fell back and smacked into Duh, who fell into the kid behind him, and so on, until all of the kids had fallen over into a heap on the floor like a line of dominos.

  A large figure appeared by the door, angry about the disturbance. The kids, afraid to look up, crawled into the classroom on their bellies and made their way to any open seat. John found two seats in the back of the room, one in front of the other. John took the seat behind and Dave sat in front of him.

  The large figure was the new fifth grade Social Studies teacher, Mr. Phinneaus Lich. It turned out that Mr. Lich had been the cause of the blinding light. Apparently, his shiny bald head was very conducive for reflecting sunlight. John made a mental note to start wearing sunglasses during Social Studies. Mr. Lich demanded to know why the kids were late. John cringed as he took note of Mr. Lich’s brown teeth. Then he paused for a moment, because he seemed to recall the teeth being a disgustingly bright yellow when he had first met Mr. Lich jus
t two weeks prior during summer detention.

  Throughout the years, John’s class had had more new teachers than any other class in the history of Ohrno Elementary. Typically, students at Ohrno would have the same teachers year after year until they graduated, at which point the teachers would return to teaching the first grade and would begin the cycle anew. The idea was that the teachers would know the students from when they first started school, back when the children were all bright-eyed and eager to learn, and so a good relationship would be fostered throughout the years. With John’s class, however, where shenanigans had ensued since day one, very few teachers had the fortitude to last more than one year. The Social Studies teachers seemed to have the greatest difficulty.

  In the middle of first grade, Mr. Funari, the class’ first Social Studies teacher, had been teaching the kids about the Wright brothers and the invention of the Aerial Age. To demonstrate some ways of flying other than by airplane, Mr. Funari had taken the kids to an interstate science fair to look at a hot air balloon. While Mr. Funari wasn’t looking, John looped one of the balloon’s ropes through Mr. Funari’s belt loop, and then turned on the balloon’s burner. The hot air balloon expanded, lifting into the air and out of the exhibition hall, carrying Mr. Funari with it. Mr. Funari wasn’t found until four days later, lying in a corn field seven states over. He quit the next the day.

  In second grade, one day John brought in his ant farm for show and tell. John decided to play a practical joke on their second Social Studies teacher, Mrs. Sheep, and poured some itching powder in her sweater. When she put on the sweater at the end of the day, John then came running and told her that some of his ants had escaped. She told him not to worry about it. The kids never heard from her again. The kids later found out that Mrs. Sheep was allergic to fire ants, and when she suddenly felt itching, she freaked out and called her doctor, who at the time was vacationing in Peru. She immediately took some emergency medicine, ran to the airport, and got on a plane. The medicine, however, put her to sleep, and when she woke up, she discovered that she had gotten on the wrong plane. The plane that she had taken was not the one going to Peru, but rather to some government testing island whose only contact with the outside world was a carrier pigeon that would be sent once every three years.

  In third grade, for the birthday of Mr. Valento, the class’ third Social Studies teacher, John created a fake lottery ticket and told Mr. Valento that John’s parents bought it for him to give to Mr. Valento. When Mr. Valento “discovered” that he had won five million dollars, he ran around the school building and mooned all of the teachers. He then proceeded to take a bath in the school’s water fountain. Unfortunately, Mr. Valento had not been informed that some of the electrical wires throughout the building were being replaced that day, and when the electrician dropped a wire from the ceiling that accidentally landed in the fountain, Mr. Valento received an even bigger shock than the lottery winning. Last the kids heard, he was doing well enough to return home and was recovering quite nicely.

  In fourth grade, John had been preparing a trap for the student from the rival fourth grade class who had taken John’s second seat on the bus. John had broken into the gym supply closet and had borrowed all of the school’s volleyballs. The school had one spot outdoors next to the cafeteria that was at the bottom of three different steep hills. John split up the balls into three piles and stored one pile at the top of each incline. The balls were carefully stacked and held in place by a log that was wedged into the front of each pile. Attached to the logs were three long strings that John carefully set up to act as tripwires. John didn’t know the kid’s last name, and so he snuck into Principal Freeman’s office and announced over the PA system that Principal Freeman wanted to see Peter from the fourth grade outside. Unbeknownst to John, his Social Studies teacher, Mr. Gladman, was named Peter, and so it was Mr. Gladman who came outside. The tripwires worked perfectly, and as Mr. Gladman looked around, wondering what that sudden rumbling noise was, he was buried by a sudden onslaught of two hundred volleyballs pelting him from three different directions. Apparently, Mr. Gladman had never been very good at dodge ball.

  John stared at Mr. Lich’s teeth for a little longer, and thought to himself that maybe he was mistaken. John wondered if Mr. Lich would be the teacher to net John his fourth Cayden Award For Excellence in Annoyance. Once again, it was Caroline who spoke first.

  “The bus was late because we had to go back for Captain Cayden One Eyed Willy Nickname Cyclops Sir.”

  “I told you to stop calling me that!” Cayden shouted from across the room.

  Mr. Lich turned to him, infuriated.

  “Young man, that little outburst shall cost you dearly!” Mr. Lich took a step toward Cayden. “Let me make this perfectly clear. There will be no calling out in my classroom. There will be no shouting in my classroom. There will be no noise whatsoever in my classroom unless I ask for it.”

  Mr. Lich now eyed each of the thirteen students from the bus.

  “Since you are the only children who did not show up on time, I have already taken note of your names. I will request that you all be given detention and that I be the supervising teacher.” There was a slight pause. “I will make it most unpleasant for all of you,” he finished with an evil smile.

  Duh’s hand went up and he began talking before being called on.

  “Duuuh, we’ve already gotten detention.”

  The twelve others groaned and banged their heads on their desks. Dave, who was sitting behind Duh, slapped him across the back of his head. Mr. Lich was beaming.

  “Excellent, then I shall have no problem in obtaining permission to supervise you. I will drain you all of your rowdy spirits,” he said. After another slight pause, and with an evil gleam in his eyes, he said, “In a way you could never imagine.”

  Mr. Lich threw back his head and started laughing maniacally, as did a very short boy in the front row that John had never seen before. John could swear that Mr. Lich’s teeth were starting to look more yellowish than brown. He tapped Dave on the shoulder.

  “Hey, who’s that kid laughing with Baldini?”

  Dave stared at John, confused.

  “… I don’t get it.”

  John stared back at him.

  “Baldini – you know, like the magician.”

  “You mean Houdini.”

  “Who did what?”

  “No, Houdini.”

  “Who’s Dini?”

  “No, HOUDINI. The magician, Harry Houdini.”

  “You mean Harry Baldini.”

  “No, Houdini! His name was Houdini. Harry Houdini.”

  “Nooooo, I think I would know, Dave. His name was Baldini. You know, because he had no hair.”

  “He had a full head of hair!”

  “Then why would they name him Baldini?”

  “THEY DIDN’T! THEY NAMED HIM HOUDINI! HIS NAME WAS HOUDINI!”

  Mr. Lich, who in the meantime had begun teaching the class, stopped and stared at Dave. Dave’s face became scarlet red as he slunk down in his chair, whispered sorry, and looked down at his lap. Mr. Lich stared at Dave for a few more seconds, and then resumed his discussion. John waited a little while before resuming.

  “You know, you really should calm down. You’re always so high-strung. It’s not healthy for you. I mean, big deal, jeez, so you didn’t know that his name was Baldini. Who cares?”

  Dave’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

  “What … but … you … I … but … AARRRGGGHHHH!!!”

  Mr. Lich immediately stopped and again stared at Dave, this time with more anger. Dave’s face was in full panic.

  “Young man, is there a problem?!” Mr. Lich demanded.

  “No, sir,” Dave whispered as quietly as he had ever whispered. He again looked at his lap and wondered whether Mr. Lich would be able to see him if he sat completely still.

  Mr. Lich walked over to Dave’s desk. He slowly bent down until his face was directly in line with Dave’s terrified face. Dav
e dared not look up, but he felt Mr. Lich’s horrible, putrid, stale breath. In the background, John was pursing his lips and nodding his head in a vindicated fashion, saying “yup, definitely too high-strung.” Dave wanted to turn around and tear into John, but he dared not move.

  “THEN … THERE … WILL … BE … NO … MORE … OUTBURSTS,” Mr. Lich said slowly through gritted teeth. “Is that understood?”

  “Yes, sir,” Dave said in a hushed whisper.

  The words were nearly inaudible. Dave was amazed he didn’t have an accident. Mr. Lich stared at Dave for a few more seconds before he got up and walked back to the front of the class. As soon as Mr. Lich turned his attention back to the class, John whispered to Dave.

  “Yeah okay, so what were you saying about that kid?”

  Dave turned around and glared at John, furious.

  “WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?!” he spat in a shrill whisper.

  “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Next time I’ll explain to you before class how they give out last names.”

  “They don’t give out last names based on whether or not someone has hair!” Dave hissed.

  “Then why’d they name him Baldini?”

  Dave slapped his forehead and shook his head. He felt like screaming again. Dave sighed.

  “Anyway, Jack was telling us about him on the bus before you were picked up. He’s new here. He came to the school with Mr. Lich. Major teacher’s pet. They say that he’s been with Mr. Lich in every school that Mr. Lich ever taught in. There are rumors that he’s been in the fifth grade for like ten years already.”

  John looked confused.

  “If he’s been in the fifth grade for ten years, then how come he looks like he’s our age?”

  “I don’t know. Nobody knows what’s up with him. Some kids say that his mother warned him not to make faces otherwise they would stick that way, and that one day he made a face and it really got stuck that way.”