The Amazing Magnificent Stupendous Incredible Outstanding Unbeatable Exceptional (and Humble) Rubberband Boy

by Jonathan Neuman

  “That doesn’t make any sense. Just because his face would get stuck, that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t grow older.”

  “I’m not the one who came up with it; other kids did.”

  “But you told it to me.”

  “Yeah, but I said that other kids said it.”

  “But it still makes no sense. So why would I care?”

  “I don’t know! I’m just letting you know what other kids told me!” Dave hissed.

  “But it makes no sense!”

  “Argh!” Dave clutched his hair and pulled, his eyes bulging. “Whatever! It doesn’t matter! But he’s not in any other class but this one.”

  John’s stroked an imaginary beard, imitating Igor.

  “Hmm … that’s really odd. Oh, and did you hear that laugh? Sounded very evil. There’s something very weird going on here.”

  Dave nodded in agreement as Mr. Lich again glanced in their direction. The sun was beating straight down onto his shiny head. Every time Mr. Lich turned to look at a particular student, the sunlight would bounce off his head and focus on the student like a searchlight. He slowly walked down the aisle and stopped in front of Dave’s desk.

  “I thought I just made it perfectly clear that there will be no talking in my class. What is your name, boy?”

  Dave gulped. Before he could say anything, John spoke up.

  “Yes, but you also made it clear that there would be no calling out in your class, but when Duh called out, you were happy. So which one is it? Are you happy when people don’t listen to your rules or are you not? I, for one, am very confused.”

  Mr. Lich looked down at John and snarled.

  “And what is your name?”

  “John, sir.”

  “Well, John, now you are number one on my list. I will make sure that the two of you, as well as Mr. …” Mr. Lich turned to Cayden. “You, what is your name?”

  “Ca … Cayden.”

  “No, your name is Captain Cayden One Eyed Willy Nickname Cyclops Sir,” piped Caroline.

  “It is not!” Cayden shot back.

  Now Mr. Lich was furious. Spit rained from his mouth all over Dave as he began screaming. Dave’s clothes had just finished drying.

  “ENOUGH! I will make sure that all thirteen of you cretins suffer first!”

  Duh raised his hand and again began talking before being called on.

  “Duuuh, but there’s only thirteen of us in detention, so how could all thirteen of us suffer first? There’d be no one left to suffer second.”

  Mr. Lich’s eyes were as wide as could be.

  “OUT! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM AND GO TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!”

  John was positive. Baldini’s teeth were now completely yellow. Definitely very weird, he thought. John stood up, saluted, and said “Yes sir, ma’am, sir!”

  “PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!!!”

  John happily skipped out of the classroom. The other twelve kids groaned.

  Principal Freeman extended the detention from just that day to the whole week and told the kids to go play outside until their next class. While the other kids headed to the playground, John pulled Dave aside.

  “Why aren’t we going outside with everyone else?” Dave asked, puzzled.

  John smiled fiendishly.

  “While I was here during the summer I overheard that there’s a secret room where they keep all of the stuff that has been confiscated over the years. I’m salivating just thinking about all the awesome items of mass mischief that must be in there.” John laughed. “Imagine how much of my stuff is in there. What better time to look for it than when all the teachers are in class?”

  Dave was skeptical.

  “Where did you hear this?”

  “Oh from some kid who heard it from his brother, who heard it from his friend, who heard it from her sister, who heard it from her parrot. Very credible source.”

  “She heard it from her parrot?”

  “Yes, Dave. You’ve never heard a parrot talk before?”

  “Of course I’ve heard a parrot talk. But I thought that parrots only mimic other speech; they can’t form their own thoughts.”

  “Exactly. So if the parrot mimicked it, then he must have heard it from someone in the know. Isn’t it obvious?”

  Dave frowned and looked away.

  “Won’t we get in trouble?”

  John grabbed him and laughed.

  “Of course we’ll get in trouble. That’s what makes it so worth it. Just imagine the look on Principal Freeman’s face when he discovers that we found the room. It will be priceless!”

  Dave sighed. He knew that with enough coaxing he would give in sooner or later, and so he nodded meekly. The two boys scampered off.

  “Where are we going?” Dave asked.

  John stopped for a moment to think. Sometimes when brilliant ideas hit him, he would get so excited that he didn’t actually think them through.

  “How about the old gym in the back of the school? There are not too many places in the school that are off-limits. They must want to keep us from something in there.”

  Two years earlier, Ohrno High School was being been renovated, and so the old gym in the Elementary School was temporarily converted into a high school. The elementary school students would still frequently use the gym as a shortcut to get from their classes to the playground, and they soon decided to incorporate the gym into their daily recess activities. That winter, a massive snowball fight resulted in sixteen high school teachers losing their toupees. Due to the teachers’ threats, the school was forced to relocate the high school away from all sources of snow. The incident also resulted in the permanent closing of the gym.

  Dave stopped.

  “I heard that the gym is off-limits because it’s dangerous. Why don’t we check out the staircase right near there instead?” he suggested.

  John snorted.

  “Of course they would say it’s dangerous. That’s the perfect cover.”

  Dave looked defiant. John sighed and asked “Why would we check out the stairs?”

  “Didn’t something weird happen there last year?” Dave responded.

  John’s face lit up.

  “Actually, yeah, something did happen. I was there! Some of us found a squirrel in the gym and we were chasing it. We cornered it inside the staircase and posted people at the top and bottom doors so that they could catch it as it tried to run out, but it never showed up at either door. We waited a couple of hours and then searched the entire staircase but never found it.”

  This was Dave’s first time hearing the entire story. All he knew was that some kids claimed that something had magically disappeared into a hidden vortex in the staircase. He had never given any thought to the story until just now.

  “So it really did just vanish into thin air?” he asked in wonder.

  “Yup. I’m a personal witness. We saw it go in, but it never came out.”

  “So the kids were right? There really is a hidden vortex leading to another dimension somewhere in the staircase?”

  John snorted again.

  “Please. That’s ridiculous. Hidden vortexes. Dave, you’ll believe anything.”

  Dave’s cheeks turned a little red.

  “Oh yeah, so then if it wasn’t a vortex, what happened?!”

  John looked at Dave with a serious look in his eyes.

  “You ever notice when you’re outside, how there’s always a large group of squirrels, and then when a human walks by they run away in different directions?”

  “Yeah, so? That’s instinct. They disperse when something bigger walks by. We do it too whenever any of the eighth graders start walking toward us.”

  “Wrong! They’re not running away because we’re bigger; they’re running away because they don’t want us to hear their plans.”

  “Their plans?” Dave said with a tinge of sarcasm.

  “That’s right, their plans. One day the squirrels are going to try to overthrow humans as rulers of the planet, and everyone
but me is going to be unprepared.” John paused. “And don’t think I’m going to save you. It’s going to be every boy for himself.”

  Dave couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Okay, but what does that have to do with the staircase?”

  John shook his head in disappointment.

  “Dave, I thought better of you. Don’t you see? The squirrels are operating out of our school! This staircase is their hidden base of operations from which they oversee all of their diabolical schemes and machinations. There’s probably some secret entrance in the staircase with retinal, voice, and fingerprint scanners. That’s how the squirrel got away!”

  “Or …” Dave started.

  “Or what?”

  “Or maybe the entrance to the hidden room is in the staircase and the squirrel is reading comic books and eating candy as we speak!”

  John stared at Dave for a full minute, completely stone-faced. He didn’t blink or say a word. Dave was terrified that John was going to hit him for such a dumb suggestion. But then something unexpected happened: John’s eyes lit up and he flashed Dave a huge smile.

  “Dave, that’s brilliant! That is possibly the smartest thing you’ve ever said.”

  Dave grinned as John patted him on the back. John didn’t normally compliment him. The two boys ran to the stairwell and began checking the staircase walls for a hidden knob or switch. After a thorough search, the boys found no trace of a secret room, comic books, or candy. The only thing John found was a trail of cockroaches leading to a small hole in the wall. John wondered aloud whether the cockroaches were working hand-in-hand with the squirrels to overthrow the Earth. Dave found an old piece of gum on the floor. He was not in the mood to repeat this morning’s gum fiasco, and knew that if he left the gum alone, somehow, someway, it would end up stuck to him. He bent down to pick it up to throw it away.

  “Dave, don’t touch that,” John warned.

  “It’s just an old piece of gum.”

  John shook his head.

  “Since we didn’t find any secret room, it leads me to just one conclusion: I’m right about the squirrels, and they are too sophisticated for us to find.”

  “Why can’t it be that the secret room is here and the school is too sophisticated?”

  “Dave. We’ve been here for four years already. The school is not too sophisticated for anyone.”

  “Okay, fine, but what does that have to do with the gum?” he asked.

  “It might be a squirrel trap.”

  “Why would the squirrels try to trap us with an old piece of gum?”

  “Because it’s such a perfect plan. Who would be crazy enough to think that an old piece of gum was poisoned? The gum is there in case anybody gets too close to the hidden base. The person eats the gum and faints, creating enough time to escape. Only a diabolical squirrel genius could be nefarious enough to think up such a plan.”

  Dave grinned.

  “I like the word nefarious.”

  John looked at Dave. Dave was afraid again that John would hit him.

  “Yeah, it’s a good word. Kudos to whoever thought it up. By the way, can you tell what flavor the gum is?”

  Dave got on the floor and started sniffing. After eight seconds he got up and said triumphantly, “I think it’s Tutti Frutti.”

  “That’s a good flavor.”

  “I like Fruit Punch better.”

  “How can you like Fruit Punch over Tutti Frutti?”

  “Well they both have fruit, but one has punch in its name. Chewing it makes me feel tough.”

  John laughed sarcastically.

  “Yeah, you’re real tough. You and your Fruit Punch gum. Is that why you were crying this morning when you couldn’t get the gum off your face?”

  “I wasn’t crying. I just got some gum in my eyes.”

  “Riiiiiiight.”

  Dave was desperate to change the subject.

  “Hey, maybe afterward we should check out the staircase on the other side of the school. The one that isn’t used anymore. Remember that third floor that we were never allowed to go to? That’s been off-limits even longer than the old gym.”

  John shook his head.

  “No, it’s not there. I know that for a fact.”

  “How do you know that for a fact?”

  “Not now, I’ll tell you later. Let’s head to the gym,” John said abruptly.

  Dave found John’s response puzzling. Dave wanted to question him further, but John had already taken off.

  In addition to the fact that the students had been told that the gym was dangerous, the punishment for anyone caught entering the gym was a week of detention. Thus, Dave was particularly hesitant about going inside. He did not want any more detention. He went in, however, upon John’s insistence. The boys searched all of the rooms, but found nothing other than some broken pieces of chalk, sixteen balls of wet hair, one soggy old boot, some old popsicle sticks, and an advertisement for free guitar lessons, which Dave picked up. Judging from the colors of the melted ices residue, John surmised that the popsicles had been raspberry and orange. Personally, he wasn’t a fan of orange, but he did love raspberry.

  “Hey Dave, do you like raspberry?”

  “Raspberry what?”

  “Raspberry anything.”

  “It depends on the food. Some raspberry I like, some I don’t.”

  “Why would you like some raspberry and not other raspberry?”

  “I don’t know, I just do.”

  “That’s weird.”

  “It’s not weird.”

  “It is weird. You know what else is weird? Where do you think this wet hair is from?”

  Dave shrugged. The boys kept on looking.

  “By the way, why do you want free guitar lessons?” John asked.

  “For my wedding.”

  “For your wedding? Why? Are you getting married?”

  “No, but my parents are always talking about how they can’t wait until I’m married and out of the house.”

  “What does that have to do with guitar lessons? Are you going to learn how to play for your wife?”

  “No, I’ll have the guy give a free lesson at the wedding and then my parents won’t have to pay for a band.”

  John laughed.

  “What about the food? You can start collecting all of those free samples that they give out in the stores and put them in your freezer.”

  “No, I’m going to put on the invitation that everyone should bring their own sandwich.”

  John laughed even louder.

  “Dave, have I ever told you that you’re the weirdest kid I know?”

  “Many times.”

  “Well I’m telling you right now, if anybody brings peanut butter, I’m not coming.”

  “Why? I love peanut butter.”

  “The chunky peanut butter always freaks me out. How could you have peanuts inside of peanut butter? It’s like dogs eating hot dogs.”

  “That’s nothing like dogs heating hot dogs. The peanuts aren’t eating the peanut butter. Plus, hot dogs aren’t even made out of dogs.”

  “Of course hot dogs are made of dogs. That’s like saying that pigs in a blanket aren’t made of blankets.”

  Dave couldn’t argue with that logic.

  “But it doesn’t matter. If people are bringing peanut butter, then I won’t be there.”

  “Fine, so I’ll say on the invitation, bring your own sandwich, but no chunky peanut butter.”

  “And no cream cheese.”

  “What’s wrong with cream cheese?”

  John was about to answer when suddenly there was yelling from the other side of the gym. The boys looked up to see the school’s janitor yelling at them and waving a mop in their direction.

  “Why are you in the gym? You’re not allowed in here!”

  The janitor started running toward the boys. John and Dave gulped, hastily exited the gym, and ran into the halls. The janitor chased close behind, brandishing his mop like a sword. As he ran, his mop flail
ed wildly in the air, knocking down announcements and awards posted on the walls and accidentally shattering a number of windows. The boys turned a corner, gasping for air. Dave’s cheeks were puffing in and out as he swallowed huge gulps of oxygen.

  “John … we need to stop,” Dave said, breathing heavily.

  John turned around and noticed the janitor turn the corner, only a few seconds behind them.

  “Come on, Dave, don’t stop. I know of a little room that I’ve never seen anybody use. We can lose him in there.”

  John led Dave to a tiny three-foot door right in front of the entrance to the cafeteria. The two boys flung the door open and ducked inside. The two of them stood breathless, neither one wanting to make a sound. Dave took a look around.

  “Uh oh.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t think we could have gone into any worse place. We’re in the janitor’s closet!”

  John looked around. There were lots of cleaning supplies strewn about. There were also some office supplies such as tape and staples, and a very sharp scissor with a broken swivel pin, which made the blades snap very easily. John picked it up. He enjoyed the sound that the blades made as they snapped together. There was also a desk with some pamphlets on it. John picked one up and started reading.

  “How To Make A Million Dollars, by The Janitor.”

  John opened up the pamphlet, which consisted of a single page.

  “Write a pamphlet entitled ‘How To Make A Million Dollars, by ’ and sell it to one million people for one dollar each.”

  Dave picked up another copy.

  “I wish my mother had named me ‘your name.’ Then I could follow this advice and make a million dollars.”

  John rolled his eyes. Sometimes Dave made really smart comments, but more often than not, he made really dumb ones.

  Suddenly the door flew open and the janitor walked in. He grabbed the two boys by their shirt collars and dragged them to the principal’s office. Principal Freeman grumbled something about having a huge headache. He looked for some water, but couldn’t find any. He swallowed two headache pills anyway, and then sentenced the boys to a month’s detention. John chuckled to himself as they left the office.