Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  “Yes, it’s Lily. Lily Rayn.”

  “Aw, what a beautiful name.” She takes a dry erase marker and writes Lily’s name and birth statistics on the board. She finishes cleaning me up, and when Lily’s ready she places her back in my arms and says she’ll be back to check on me and move me to a recovery room shortly. I nod absently, all my attention on the treasure in my arms.

  When I finally manage to look away from my baby’s sweet face, I see that I’m alone. I have no idea if mystery man is coming back, or if he left for good. I really hope he comes back, I’d like to thank him for being here for me.

  Returning my attention to Lily, I take in her sweet face. I smile when I see she has my full lips and certainly my dark hair. Her eyes are blue, but I know they could change. So many emotions swirl through me as I watch her. Love. There is so, so much love. It’s a wonder my heart can contain it all.

  “I promise to love you the way you deserve to be loved,” I whisper to her. “You are worthy, you will be loved and you will never, ever be alone my baby girl. I promise you that.”

  Tears make silent tracks down my face and I marvel at how I can feel so complete yet so lost at the same time. I wish my brother were here. It’s been so hard while he’s been gone. We spend all our time together whenever possible, and I even miss his over protective ways. The time left before his release seems to be crawling by. The occasional collect phone call isn’t enough. He’s careful not to call too often knowing it’s quite expensive to do so, and of course I can’t call him, though more than anything I wish I could. I smile to myself knowing how proud he would be if he were here.

  My missing him turns into fear. I thought when Lily was finally here that Jason would be too. How am I going to do this alone? No Tyson. No Jason. Just me. It’s a physical pain in my chest that wants something more, for someone more. Jason didn’t just abandon me. He abandoned our daughter too. What kind of father does that?

  My eyes feel heavy and though I want to continue staring at my sweet baby’s face, when I’m finally moved into a room of my own later, I place Lily in the bassinet knowing I need to get some rest. Turning on my side, I wince at the pain I feel at the junction of my thighs. Feeling utterly exhausted, emotionally and physically, I close my eyes and tears fall from behind my lids, down my temples, to become lost in my hair.

  “You’re not worthy of love. You will always be alone.”

  It doesn’t matter how many miles separate us, her words are still the poison that runs through my veins. They’ve scarred me; they’ve branded my soul and no matter how hard I try, I can’t escape them. Then, I open my eyes and look at the child sleeping next to me and know that she’s wrong. Now, I just need to believe it.

  Slipping out of the delivery room, I make my way to the waiting room, which signs indicate is down the hall. Taking a seat in the corner of the room away from a man that’s pacing back and forth and another person talking on the phone, I try to rub out the kink I feel in my neck. I’m exhausted from being up all night, but I also have adrenaline running through me after what I just witnessed.

  I can’t stop playing the delivery over and over in my mind. You would have to be one hard son of a bitch to not be affected by something as amazing as a woman giving birth. I’m simply astounded at not only how strong Rowan is, but how amazing her body is to physically go through what it just did.

  Seeing her lying there with her new baby in her arms, even I was brought to tears. I’m not ashamed to admit it. It was simply breathtaking. Giving her time alone to bond with her child seems like the right thing to do. It felt intrusive being there to witness something so special and sacred between a mother and child, yet my heart felt full at being privileged enough to see the little bit that I did. I had to physically rip myself from the room in order to give her the privacy she deserves.

  “There’s no one.”

  Her words ring in my ears and make my fists curl. I want to rage at the person that has obviously left her. I can see the fear, despair and anger in her eyes. Whomever put it there should be castrated. Something about her has completely flipped my heart, mind and body to full on want and need. How am I going to leave her alone? She seemed so sad and vulnerable with her confession. And she said Ty is in jail. I wonder what the hell happened? The last time I saw him, he had car trouble and I offered to drop him off at his place. I remember seeing Rowan from a distance when Ty gestured to her walking toward their place. He waved a quick goodbye to me and bounded over to her. I stood there transfixed as I watched her radiant smile as he ran up to her hugging her in greeting, their love for one another clear to anyone that watched. Plus, Tyson talked about Rowan a lot when he came into the gym for practice. It was “Rowan said…”, “Rowan went…” , “I need to tell Rowan…..” He very clearly loves her and considers it his job to take care of his sister. I need to find out what happened there. Especially since she said she has no one else.

  And how can that be? I find myself curious about the man who is her baby’s father. Where is he? Why isn’t he part of the picture? The need for information is making me crazy.

  I can’t help but think that I ran into her for a reason. I don’t believe in luck or coincidence so I know that I happened to see her just when I needed to most. It’s obvious why. Someone needs to help take care of her and I intend to be that person.

  Looking at my phone I see I have another message from Zane spouting out his apologies and a text from Cole asking how I am. Checking out the clock I see that it won’t be long before the gym needs to be opened. Time apparently flies when you are an active participant in a birth that managed to make you feel both awe and terror at the same time. When she screamed in pain, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more helpless and I really don’t like that feeling.

  Refusing to call my father to ask him to help out at the gym, I dial Cole instead, thankful when he answers, “Lo?” His greeting combined with the gravel sound of his voice tells me I woke him.

  “Hey man. Sorry to wake you, but I need your help.”

  “What’s up?”

  “It’s a long story, but I’m tied up at the hospital and I need someone to open the gym this morning. Can you do that for me?”

  “Yeah of course, but I thought you just needed a few stitches?”

  “I did. I just ran into someone here that I can’t leave right now. Like I said, a long story for later. And I don’t want to call my dad.”

  “I get it. No worries.”

  “Thanks for helping me out, man. I’m not sure how long I’m going to be.”

  “Any time - you know that, and I’ll just cover you as long as needed. I’m off the next few days from work and planned on being at the gym anyway. I figured that’s why you gave me the extra set to begin with, yeah?”

  “Yeah. And nothing major is expected today – no deliveries or anything. Thanks again.”

  “No problem. Talk to you later.”

  Hanging up, I run my hands through my hair and over my eyes and try to make myself comfortable in the chair so that I can nap for just a bit while I give Rowan some more time alone.

  Closing my eyes, my dad’s angry face comes to mind. I can already hear the nasty words that will come out of his mouth if he goes to the gym and I’m not there. Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve to know anything about my life. He can talk smack all he wants. My guys know the truth. Shaking my head, I’m relieved when Rowan’s big hazel eyes and soft smile as she looks at her baby’s face are there to greet me instead.

  Jolting awake I forget where I am for a moment until I look around and see the waiting room and the armchair my body is contortioned in trying to find comfort. Rowan. Shit. How long have I been asleep? Looking at my phone, I see it’s only been a couple hours. After I find a bathroom, I make my way back to the delivery room to see that she’s no longer there and I almost walk in on some other woman. Wouldn’t she have been shocked! Not to mention the hospital staff will start to think I’m some creepy guy that likes to assist with childbirth or s
omething. That or gets off looking at woman’s anatomy. Um, no thanks.

  I quickly get her room number from the nurse’s station and head that way before deciding to make a quick detour to the gift shop. Standing there I look around feeling unsure of what to buy. I have no idea what kind of flowers she even likes.

  “Hello,” a kind voice interrupts my thoughts. “Can I help you?”

  Turning to my left, an older woman wearing a bright yellow shirt with kind eyes behind her glasses, smiles at my obvious confusion. Smiling in return I confess, “I need to bring something to a woman that just had a baby girl, but I’m not sure what she will like. I don’t even know her favorite flower.”

  “Oh, I think I can help you with that, sweetie.”

  Ten minutes later I’m walking out with a mixed arrangement of pink and white flowers, a fluffy lamb and an “It’s a girl,” balloon. Feeling much more prepared to see Rowan again I make my way back to the room she’s in. When I peek inside, she’s sitting up picking at what must be some breakfast on her tray.

  “Hi,” I say quietly, not wanting to startle her.

  Her eyes widen a little in surprise when she sees me and then her surprise turns into a smile at the items I’m carrying in my arms. “Hi back. I’m surprised to see you.”

  Cocking my head to the side I look at her curiously, “Why’s that?”

  “When you weren’t here, I figured you left. Not that I would blame you after what I forced you to witness and participate in.” She giggles and I find I love its tinkling sound.

  “You didn’t force me. I’m glad I could be here for you.” Walking to the table next to her bed, I sit the flowers down and hand her the lamb. “For you and the little one.”

  “Lily,” she says.

  “Lily,” I repeat softly while peeking at her in the plastic rectangle thing she’s lying in next to her mother’s bed. She’s wearing a knitted pink hat and is swaddled tightly in a blanket. She’s sucking on her bottom lip in her sleep and my heart can’t help but flip and tighten at the sight. God, it’s like I have girly hormones. “She’s so small. So sweet.”

  Rowan smiles beautifully, “I think so too.”

  I take in her wide smile and how her eyes are alight with love and my chest tightens further. I can’t put my finger on what the feeling is. Clearing my throat a couple times, I hesitantly set the lamb in the corner of the bed where Lily is lying, then sit in the chair next to Rowan’s bed.

  I’m startled when suddenly Rowan starts to laugh. Looking at her curiously only makes her laugh harder. In response, I let out a chuckle as well in an automatic response to her infectious laugh, but I don’t know why she’s laughing. “What’s so funny? Oh shit! Is it the lamb or the flowers? That lady at the gift shop told me you would like them. I blame her.”

  This only seems to make her laugh harder. Standing, I start to remove the items I bought. I mean hell, I don’t know dick about this kind of stuff. What am I even doing? “No,” she gasps making me freeze. “No, don’t touch them.” She tries to calm herself, placing a hand on her chest as if that helps, and I hand her a tissue to wipe her watering eyes. “I’m sorry.” She swipes at her eyes and then gestures wildly with her hands while trying to explain, “I think my laughing got out of hand because I’m tired, but it just struck me as funny.”

  “What did?”

  “You.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes. You know my brother, Tyson. You held my hand all through giving birth. Plus, you were up close and personal with my vagina and likely not in the way you’re usually up close with them from the various looks on your face during the whole experience.”

  Smirking at her very true comments, I still feel lost as to her point, “That’s true. So what are you getting at?”

  “Well, the reason I’m laughing is because I have absolutely no clue what in the hell your name is.”

  I immediately chuckle with her. After everything we shared, and everything I’ve seen, she doesn’t even know my name. I guess I never did tell her.

  “I just think that given all of that, I should know. Don’t you think?”

  I nod in agreement and she smiles bigger, dragging my gaze to her mouth. It makes my stomach flip, yet again, and my dick twitch.

  “So, handsome mystery man that came to my rescue when I really needed someone…”

  “You think I’m hot?” I can’t help but tease her. I want to keep that smile on her face a little longer. She should smile all the time - the sight is fucking gorgeous. Stunning. Maybe giving birth really agrees with her because I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone more beautiful.

  “I said ‘handsome’.”

  “Yeah you did, but you think I’m hot,” I state with not just a little confidence. I’m not stupid. I have a mirror. Doesn’t mean it’s not nice to hear though.

  “You know you are,” she says with a smile as if she read my mind.

  I have mercy on her, “My name is Jackson Stone. My friends call me, Jax.”

  “Well I would certainly say we are friends after our experience together, wouldn’t you, Jax?”

  The sound of my name on her lips makes me smile wide, knowing in doing so, I’m flashing her my dimples. Women love them. When she said my name, immediately a need to hear her say it in all kinds of ways rushes through my mind making me shiver. Whispering it, saying it with need, saying it in a whine because she needs and wants more of me, saying it in lust. Fuck me I want to hear her scream it. Her eyes widen likely at the look on my face. I wonder if she can see the heat in my eyes? I don’t want to scare her, so I lean back in my chair, cross my ankles, and do my best to look comfortable when I feel anything but. “I would definitely say we are friends.”

  She nods and holds my gaze for what seems an eternity. I’m immediately lost in her eyes. Those green but sometimes brown eyes. Her dark hair is gorgeous and while she has tired lines around her eyes, she’s simply glowing. No makeup, freckles across her nose prominent. I want to get to know each one, see if she has more on other parts of her body, kiss across her nose and suck her lips into my mouth.

  Shaking my head I try to rid myself of the thoughts. The woman just gave birth. I can’t explain the feelings she invokes in me. Distracting myself I ask the question that’s been on my mind. “You mentioned earlier that Ty is in jail. What happened? If it’s okay to ask, I mean. You don’t have to tell me.”

  “No, it’s fine. Besides, it’s a matter of public record anyway.” She’s momentarily distracted when Lily begins making little noises. She peeks at her in concern and I follow her gaze. She’s fine and Rowan focuses her big eyes back on me, “He got in a fight at a bar. It wasn’t his first and unfortunately this time, he got in a fight with the wrong person. I don’t even know what it was about.” She shakes her head in obvious irritation at her brother. “I honestly don’t even know if I asked him,” she laughs sardonically. “He was arrested because the senator’s son he was fighting with pressed charges. Since it wasn’t the first time he’s gotten in a fight and been arrested, this time around he was given six months in jail and six months community service when he’s out. He was warned if it happens again after he’s released, his jail time will be longer.”

  “I had no idea, Rowan. I’m sorry. Like I said, we became friends when he began practicing at my MMA gym.”

  “It’s your gym?”

  “Yes. My grandfather left it to me,” and that’s enough about that. “Anyway, like I mentioned before, Ty is a great fighter. I’m surprised he never mentioned it to you.”

  “Well, he knows I was never thrilled with his fighting, but that’s only because he did it as an outlet where he was always getting busted. I would have welcomed his involvement in MMA as opposed to letting his temper get the best of him and getting in random fights with people and getting arrested.”

  “Well, like I mentioned before, we were hoping to line some professional fights up for him, but one day he just quit showing up.”

  “Yeah, he’s been
there for two months already.”

  “Do you talk to him often?”

  “Um, not really. I went and visited him a couple weeks ago. He calls when he can, but collect calls are expensive, so he doesn’t do it often.”

  “So, he doesn’t even know yet that you had Lily.” I don’t know why but this troubles me and an idea starts to take form in my mind.

  “No, he doesn’t.”

  “Can I help? I’d be happy to go and see him for you and let him know.”

  She looks at me as if she’s trying to look for sincerity in my words. Then something that looks like apprehension crosses her face and I can almost see the solid wall she puts up between us.

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “What would you do that?”

  “Well, it would help you out. Plus, I wouldn’t mind seeing him myself now that I know where he is.”

  “If you’d like to see him I’m sure he would love it, but don’t worry about going on my account. I’m sure he will call eventually.”

  Yeah well we’ll see about that. But for now, I change the subject. “How long do you have to stay in the hospital? A week? Two?”

  This makes her laugh out loud, “No, not at all. I should be released tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow?” I yell out shocked and then wince when I realize my mistake. Peeking at Lily, I lower my voice, “What the hell? Why so soon?”

  She shrugs, “It’s pretty fast, but typical. Usually forty-eight hours or less for a regular birth.”