Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  “Regular?”

  “Vaginal versus cesarean.”

  “Cesarean?”

  “That’s when they have to cut open your stomach to take the baby out.”

  “But what you did is considered regular? They are messed up.” She laughs again. “Seriously, Rowan, that’s ridiculous. After everything you did? I should complain to someone.” She starts to laugh again until she sees me rise half way up out of my chair. She holds up a hand as if that would stop me. “No, Jax. It’s okay, really. I’m only a little sore, and tired, but otherwise fine. I want to go home. Trust me. And truly, that is a normal release time.”

  Sitting back down, I can’t help but frown. I don’t like this at all. I mean, how is she possibly healed in twenty-four hours? That just seems dangerous to me to send her home before she’s ready. After what I saw… I just can’t see how that’s possible. “Well I’m not leaving here until they release you. Do you need a ride home? Or did you drive yourself here in your condition?” I feel almost sick at the thought

  Looking down in obvious embarrassment her face reddens, “Um, a ride tomorrow would be great. Are you sure you don’t mind? I’m sure you have to get back to your gym.”

  “Don’t worry about me.” How the hell did she get here if she needs a ride home? Some things don’t add up. Suddenly a frown mars her pretty features, “What is it? Are you hurting? Do you need me to get the nurse?” I hop up out of my seat.

  “No, I’m fine. It’s just… I thought of something.”

  “What is it?”

  “Can I ask you a favor?” she asks sheepishly.

  “Of course you can,” I smile encouragingly. She looks like a dog that’s been kicked and it makes my gut burn. What the hell has been done to her? My fists clench at my side feeling the need to punch whatever’s put that look on her face.

  “Well… the hospital won’t let me leave if the baby doesn’t have a car seat. My ride…” she clears her throat, looks away, takes a couple breaths and then looks back at me. “Well let’s just say my car seat is no longer here. If I give you some money, would you run to the store for me and get one? There’s this great second hand baby store not too far from here that will have something.”

  “Absolutely, and I don’t need money.”

  She immediately frowns and argues, “You aren’t buying a car seat. I have some cash in my wallet if you will just hand me my bag.”

  “You can just pay me later, okay?” Like a lot later, or never, I think but don’t say.

  “Okay,” she looks relieved and I’m happy to remove a tiny amount of stress from her. “Thank you so much.”

  “I told you I’m happy to help you and I meant it.”

  She looks at me thoughtfully for a minute and I can see the question brewing in her eyes. I wait patiently for it to leave her lips, “Why?”

  My brows lower in confusion. This again? “Why what?”

  “Why are you so willing to help me?”

  She looks uneasy as if she’s afraid of my response and it makes me feel irritation. Has no one ever been nice to her? I don’t understand. There are so many things I want to know about her, and I’m determined to know them. I have no fucking idea what has happened to me, but all I know is that I want to be someone she can trust. Someone she can count on. I have the feeling she can use someone like that in her life. “You told me earlier there’s no one to help you. I don’t believe in coincidence and I think I ran into you here for a reason. So, I want to see you and Lily home safe and sound. I wouldn’t feel right otherwise. Especially since I know Ty isn’t around right now.”

  Her eyes flash anger, “I don’t need your sympathy.”

  “Good, because that’s not what I’m giving you. Ty is my friend, and I’d like to be your friend too. Is that so hard to believe?”

  She looks at me for a few beats before saying softly, “No.”

  “Good, because friends help friends. Okay so I’m going to head to the store for the car seat now. Is there anything else you need?”

  The tentative look falls off of her face and she gives me a soft smile, “No. Thank you so much.”

  “I’ll be back,” I inform her gruffly trying to shake the want I feel when I look at her. Leaving the room, I adjust myself on the way out. What is she doing to me?

  This is an indescribable feeling. I may have arrived here alone in many ways, but I leave with so much more. A mother. I’m a mother. The thought alone brings tears to my eyes. I seem to be doing that very easily – crying. I should be feeling more happiness than sadness, but there’s something that’s not quite letting me get there and it isn’t Jason’s abandonment. I’m not sure what it is.

  Looking down at the little darling in my arms I chalk it up to this precious little prize evoking feelings in me I couldn’t have imagined even when I tried. I love her more today than I did yesterday. How is that even possible? I had no idea my heart was capable of containing this much love. If this happens every day, how will I not burst from it? She’s everything. My everything.

  Jax sits quietly next to me as we wait for the nurse to get here with a wheelchair so I can be taken to the hospital exit. He was true to his word, staying with me all night. I slept off and on and when I needed to go to the bathroom, or feed Lily, he would make himself scarce, always returning, always making small talk about nothing or just being a constant presence that I found soothing.

  But now, I’m so glad we’ve been discharged – I have this overwhelming need to get home. Running my finger softly over Lily’s cheek, I smile when her little mouth puckers in response. I wish Tyson were here to meet her. He didn’t like Jason, but he couldn’t have been more supportive when I told him I was pregnant. I thought for sure he would be angry with me. Over the years since escaping California and our mother, we’ve worked long and hard for everything we have. While at times it’s been exhausting for both of us, for the first time there’s a freedom we never had before. A freedom from nearly daily verbal and emotional abuse. A freedom from feelings of unworthiness. Adding another mouth to feed and more responsibility to our chaos worried me, but Tyson was thrilled and he became the person that asked the questions I wished Jason had and helped take care of me. Until he left.

  Looking at Lily in my arms, I flash again to my own mother. I’ll never understand, especially now, how my own mother could not love us. How could she think I’m not worthy of love? This baby in my arms is worthy of everything. I want her to have the world. I tear up again when I feel hope rise in my heart… maybe just maybe… Lily will love me too. Perhaps I am worthy of love after all.

  “Rowan?”

  I look to Jax and see him standing, “Yes?”

  “I’m going to go pull my truck around so that when they bring you out, we can just put Lily right into the car seat, and you won’t have to walk too far, okay?”

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  He smiles, grabs my overnight bag, then leaves the room. Turning my attention back to Lily I place a soft kiss on her cheek and hold her a little tighter to my chest. “I promise to be a good mom to you, Lily Rayn. I will love you, encourage you, support you and want the best for you. Always. There will be times when you won’t like me much because you disagree with things I say or do as I raise you, but know I will always have your best interests at heart.” Tears once again fall down my face with my words. I will never be the kind of mother to her my own mother was to me. Never.

  I never admitted to Tyson the way Jason had been acting about the baby – not entirely. I think he had his suspicions, but surprisingly he never asked. Missing him is an ache in my chest and as much as I wish he were here, part of me is happy he isn’t. He would go absolutely ballistic if he knew what Jason did. His temper would be lost in a moment and he would hunt him down.

  My attention is diverted to the nurse when he finally comes in with a wheelchair. “Are you ready, Miss Martin?”

  “Yes, absolutely.” I get out of the bed, sit in the chair and hold Lily tight as he begin
s to push me through the halls making our way to the door. I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed and not be interrupted every hour with a nurse coming in to take my vitals and Lily’s. I can’t wait to get her to sleep in her little nursery. Tyson and I moved into a three-bedroom townhouse several months back. He insisted on it when he found out I was expecting. I hedged because I wasn’t sure what mine and Jason’s plans were. I had still been hoping he’d ask me to stay with him, but Jason insisted. It was more expensive, but together we could afford it. I don’t think it hurt that the landlord was clearly lusting after my brother and gave us a “special” rate for our rent.

  One of the first things we did together was decorate the nursery. We found sweet little bird décor at my favorite second hand shop and we snatched it up, painted one of the walls a pretty pale green, and Tyson even surprised me one day by buying a stencil of a large tree with birds on the branches. He painted it black and it’s so perfect. So sweet. I would sit in there sometimes and dream about the baby I would be bringing home.

  As we approach the hospital doors, I catch sight of Jax standing by his large black four-door truck waiting for us. When he sees us approaching he smiles and opens the passenger doors. I’m so grateful that he’s here. I’m not sure who I would have called to help me if he wasn’t. Maybe Jane or Stacey from the diner, but I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about it. I keep my personal life private and I would have hated having to explain how I ended up abandoned at the hospital with no way to get home. I’m thankful enough that Jax hasn’t asked. I think again about the fact that I need to do something to thank him for all his help. Flushing when my mind immediately goes in the gutter, I turn my thoughts to going home promising to think on it again later.

  “Alright, ready?” Jax asks.

  “Definitely.”

  Shifting my body in my chair makes me wince just a little as I feel pain in between my legs. I need to take some more motrin when I get home. Jax helps me buckle Lily into her car seat since it’s hard for me to reach. He maneuvers the straps like a professional. The nurse checks the car verifying the car seat is present and then wishes me luck.

  “Thanks again for getting the car seat. For taking me home. For everything. I really can’t thank you enough.”

  “Yes, you can. I’m happy to help and a continuous thanks isn’t necessary.”

  I nod and grab hold of the “oh shit” bar in his truck taking a deep breath before I try to maneuver into the seat. Before I can lift my leg, Jax is there. “I don’t think so.” Before I can ask what he means, he scoops me up and sets me into the seat. Giving him an appreciative smile, I buckle up as he closes the door.

  Giving him my address, I watch him plug it into his GPS before he starts driving. Feeling my gaze on him, he looks at me when he stops at a stoplight and gives me a big smile. “Excited to get home?” When he smiles like that his dimples flash and it’s truly a sight to behold. Hell the man is hot. My body gets goose bumps and I feel my nipples harden in lust. All I can do is nod at him then look away all the while telling myself how inappropriate I’m acting. Closing my eyes I still see him there. Blue eyes, dark hair, strong jaw with a sexy five o’clock shadow, and high cheekbones any actor or male model would covet. Once I get my hormones under control, I open my eyes and they automatically move in his direction, and once more take in his relaxed body. He’s wearing a tight black t-shirt that showcases his built and lean frame to perfection. His biceps bulge a little as he turns the wheel and I see a tattoo peeking out under the sleeve at times with his movements. He rests one wrist on the wheel and another hand taps out a beat on the console between us. His whole demeanor is pretty content and relaxed considering he had very little sleep through the night and is likely as exhausted as I am.

  Looking away quickly, I try to focus on the road instead of peeking at the man next to me. I think I could stare at him all day. I’m lusting after some guy I barely even know. Because make no mistake, this is definitely lust I’m feeling. He can’t smile at me like that anymore. If he does, I won’t be able to be responsible for my actions. A brief thought of jumping him and putting my lips on his at the next stop light crashes through my mind making me shake my head and clear my throat. I certainly have other things I should be focusing on right now, not to mention the fact that my so-called boyfriend abandoned Lily and me. Now is certainly not the time to go there with anyone else. What the hell is wrong with me?

  Turning my thoughts to more serious matters, I think about how soon I need to get back to work. I have a couple weeks of paid time the diner was generous enough to offer me because they certainly didn’t have to. They are just a little mom and pop place. It isn’t like I get full paid benefits or can afford to take a leave of absence. I will take whatever I can get though. I’m anxious to spend as much time with Lily as possible before I need to go back. With Tyson in jail, it’s more important now than ever. The little savings I had is dwindling more and more every day. We have an emergency fund too, but I’m determined not to dip into it if I can help it.

  Thank goodness my sweet retired neighbor Audrey has offered to watch Lily for me when I return to work. She told me that she would be happy to watch the baby in exchange for helping her with some errands now and then. She’s a sweet lady that lives in the townhouse next to ours and I’ve yet to ever see any family visit her. She has pictures of a daughter on her bookshelf, but I’ve never seen her actually show up, even when Audrey said she anticipated a visit. I don’t ask questions because I don’t want to bring up something that could be potentially painful, but she’s amazing and I know she will be wonderful with Lily. I’m lucky to have someone.

  My boss at the diner also offered to help whenever possible. Sometimes in the midst of chaos and feelings of loneliness I forget the people that are always quietly present in my life. Silent and steady like a winter snowfall they deserve to become a loud and consistent presence in my life and I intend to make that happen.

  It isn’t long before we’re pulling into my gravel drive. There are townhomes all up and down this road. Since I’m located pretty close to the local college, I’m surrounded by a lot of college students. There are a few neighbors my age, and older like Audrey too. Once we’re stopped I’ve barely gotten my seatbelt off before Jax is already opening the door for me. “Thank you,” I murmur and he helps me ease out of my seat.

  “I’ll get Lily. It took me a minute to figure this thing out when I put it in the car, but it’s actually pretty easy.” He demonstrates his words by removing the car seat from the base and then unbuckling the base too. He follows me to my front door, waits for me to unlock it and then steps inside behind me. I catch a glimpse and see him standing there looking around while I place my things on the kitchen table. I approach him and gesture for him to place the seat down so I can remove Lily. She’s still sleeping so I take her straight to her room and place her into the crib. Standing there smiling at the sweet picture she makes, I turn to find Jax in the doorway, taking in the room – and perhaps me and Lily.

  He follows me back into the living room and I try to take in my home from his perspective. Mismatched, worn down furniture fills the space. Tyson and I went to several garage sales and second hand stores for every item. When we left California we didn’t take much as our mom was screaming at us when she found us packing up, so we just grabbed what we could and took off. Each item we have we painstakingly picked out, cleaned up, and some of them we even sanded and repainted. I’ve not much in the way of knick knacks, but what I do have is books I’ve gotten from garage sales. A large bookshelf is the primary focus in the living room. What we have may not be brand new or even lightly used, but I think it looks homey enough.

  Jax turns to me with a smile holding a framed picture of Tyson and me. “This is a good picture of the two of you. It’s crazy how much the two of you look alike. I’m surprised I didn’t know who you were for sure until you said your name.”

  “Yeah, the twin thing is weird.”

  He laughs.
“I bet it’s awesome too.”

  Laughing, I agree, “You’re right about that.” I look at him feeling unsure, “Would you like a drink or anything?”

  “No thank you, I need to get going.”

  “Oh, of course,” I feel so stupid. Lord knows he’s spent more than a little time with me. I basically kidnapped his whole weekend from him. No doubt he has a life to get back to.

  He steps to me and I hold my breath when his face comes closer to mine. Oh hell, is he going to kiss me? Do I want him to kiss me? Shit, does my breath smell okay? I feel his breath on my lips for a moment before he turns his head to the side and kisses me softly on my cheek. “Get some rest. No doubt you will sleep better now that you’re home.”

  Letting out the breath I was holding I’m not sure if I feel disappointment or relief. That’s certainly not the thing I need right now. “Thanks again for everything. You have been so amazing. I’m really glad you were in that emergency room, and… Oh my gosh! I didn’t even ask! How did you get injured anyway? Are you okay? I’m so selfish!”

  “No, you’re not. I’m pretty sure you’ve had other more important things on your mind and this is just a cut from sparring with another fighter. No big deal.”

  “Still, I’m sorry. And again, thanks for everything. I’m so glad you offered to help me when I almost fell over from pain,” I laugh at the sight that must have created.

  “Me too.” He hands me a card and I look at it. It’s a card for the gym he owns. “On the other side is my cell number. Call me any time okay? If you need something, want help, or just want to talk… anything, okay?”

  Nodding my head agreeing when truthfully I have no intention to call him, he seems happy with that. I go to the door and open it for him. “Thanks again.”

  “Bye, Rowan.”

  “Bye, Jax.”

  I close the door behind him and then put my head against the door and take a few breaths in and out for a moment. I jerk my head back when I hear a small thump on the other side. Part of me wants to open the door. I put my hand on the doorknob to turn it, but then a small cry comes from Lily’s room and I turn away from the door to take care of my new baby and to figure out where I go from here.