Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  Before I can think twice I knock on the door. She must be standing close by because she opens the door quickly. Before she can say a word I crush my mouth to hers. She gasps in surprise and I swallow the sound, taking advantage of her open mouth by swooping my tongue inside. Her taste makes me groan – so sweet. I clench my hands in her hair and use it to tilt her head to the side, ravaging her lips with my own, holding myself back from the bruising kiss I’d like to give her. Holding back the need to possess her and brand her as mine. Her moans mix with mine and it’s the sweetest symphony I’ve ever heard. I put everything I’m feeling into the kiss but can’t yet say. That I want her. That I think about her all the time. That while I may not understand it, the fact is she’s already mine and I’m hers. When we pull apart she’s gasping for air, her breaths rapid, her lips wet with our passion. I kiss the corners of her mouth, right and then left. “Good night, Rowan.”

  Giving her forehead a lingering kiss, I turn on my heel and walk away making my way back to my truck.

  All I’ve been able to think about is that kiss. The way his lips devoured mine, his need and want coming to life in the sound of his groan, the feeling of complete and utter domination in just one simple kiss. I want another - many others. But, I also want more. If one kiss made me feel that amazing, what would it be like sleeping with him? I already know the answer– explosive – and I want that feeling. More than that, I need it.

  Lying in my bed enjoying the quiet before Lily wakes up again, I watch the sun rising in the sky through my window painting the sky the color of cotton candy and spun gold. Reliving the night before, the only word I can use to describe it is perfect.

  I like you. I really like you.

  His words resonating in my mind make me smile. I really like him too and I love the way I feel when I’m with him. I keep thinking about the way he took Lily from Audrey’s arms like it was no big deal. But it was. It’s a big deal, to me at least. I had to keep myself from tackling him right there and ripping his clothes off in pure lust. Lily’s small little body against his big chest – completely drool-worthy - it’s astounding I didn’t embarrass myself, and orgasm right there on the spot.

  The doubt creeps in slowly like an animal stalking its prey. It always does. It asks me why I’m bothering because he’s just going to leave. It tells me not to get my hopes up, or to wish too hard for mere companionship. It tells me not to consider even for one moment that I could be considered worthy of his attention, let alone him, because I never will be. And horribly, as if to provide validation, it reminds me that Jason left and taunts me with the likelihood that Jax will too. But I refuse to let those things get the best of me. Squeezing my eyes shut and clenching my fists, I picture my mom in my mind and remember how unhappy, bitter, and cruel she was. I remind myself that allowing these thoughts to creep in, I’ll ultimately end up just like her. That helps me push the thoughts aside, and when Lily begins to cry, that makes it easier to do so.

  “Hi sweet girl,” I say when I look at her over the side of her crib. She smiles when she sees me, and my unhappy thoughts melt away. How does she do that? After I change her and feed her, I decide to get us both ready to go see Jax at the gym. I feel happy at the slightest thought of seeing him.

  A couple of hours later we are both ready and I’ve got Lily’s diaper bag completely packed for any possibility. I’m just about to walk out the door when my phone rings. Placing Lily’s car seat and bag down, I dig my phone out of my purse in case Jax is calling and there’s a change in plans. When I see the number for the jail, I pick it up immediately.

  “Hello?”

  “You have a collect call from….Tyson.” I hear his voice stating his name and it automatically makes me eager to hear more of his voice. I miss him. “Do you accept the charges?”

  “Yes.”

  The line clicks a couple times before I hear, “Rowan?”

  “Tyson! Hi!”

  “Hi sweet girl! It’s so great to hear your voice. How are you?”

  “I’m good. Lily and I were just on our way to go see Jax.”

  “Oh yeah? How is my niece doing? God Rowan, I can’t wait to finally meet her.”

  “She’s doing great, Uncle Tyson. She’s almost sleeping through the night, in fact, she almost did last night and she’s putting anything she can get her hands on into her mouth. She’s adorable.”

  “Of course she is. She’s yours.”

  “Aw, well aren’t you sweet?”

  “You said you’re heading to see Jax, huh? That going well?”

  “Yeah it is. I like him but…”

  “But what?”

  “You know what,” I sigh.

  “Listen up. Jax is a good guy. Stop letting stupid shit our mom said fuck up a good thing. Don’t let her win.”

  Sighing, I don’t respond to his comment, “I am so ready for you to get home.”

  “Well about that… I have some good news and besides checking in, it’s the reason I’m calling.”

  “What is it?”

  “It looks like I’m going to get out of here early. I mean I know it’s not that much since I’m due to get out in a month anyway, but I’ll take it. And, it looks like it will be really soon. Like, in a week or less kind of soon.”

  “Oh my gosh, really?”

  “Yep. My attorney met with me yesterday and he said he was contacted by the jail and they are just waiting for approval to come through. He said I should know for sure later today or tomorrow and they will let me use the phone again so that I can arrange for transportation.”

  “That’s great! I’ll be sure to keep my phone handy so I don’t miss your call.”

  “Thanks. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here. Aside from giving you and my niece a hug, I want a feast when I get out of here. This man wants some meat!”

  Laughing, I respond, “Good to know. I’ll be sure to go to the grocery store.”

  “Okay, sounds good. I miss you, Row. Can’t wait to see you.”

  “I miss you too.”

  “Also...when I get home, be prepared to have that talk you keep putting off.”

  Knowing he’s talking about Jason, I agree because I know he’s been patient with me and it’s time to give him some answers. “We’ll talk after you get home and settled in, okay?”

  “Yes we will. Alright, my time’s about up, but really quick, how are you doing financially? Is everything okay?”

  “It’s fine. I’m back to work and making ends meet. It’s a little tight now with Lily, but I’m making do.”

  “You’ve been taking my part of the rent out of our savings, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Take money from the emergency fund if you need to. Don’t struggle when you don’t have to. Promise me, Row.”

  “Okay, I promise. Besides, you’re getting out soon, so stop worrying.”

  “I’ll never not worry about you. It’s a big brother’s job.”

  “You’re older by two minutes.”

  “Exactly,” he laughs, “Alright, I’ll talk to you soon. Tell Jax I said hello. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  We hang up and my heart aches with the missing of him. This is the longest we’ve ever been separated and I don’t care for it. He can’t get released and home fast enough, although I’m dreading talking to him about Jason. I’m embarrassed that I let myself be with such an asshole. Not for the first time since his abandonment I wish I had been the one to leave him. When he was so awful to me when he found out I was pregnant and then after – never taking an interest in anything relating to the pregnancy, I should have left long ago. Instead I clung to some stupid notion that things would change. How very wrong I was given that he didn’t even stick around to meet our daughter. I can definitely admit I wasn’t expecting that.

  Briefly I’ve wondered if I’m jumping into something too fast with Jax, but Tyson has insisted each time we talk that Jax is a great guy and somehow that calms the hesitation, self-doubt and fear
lingering inside of me.

  Ensuring that Lily is buckled securely in her car seat, I make sure she’s settled then punch the address for the gym into the GPS on my phone. I’m happy to see it’s only about twenty minutes away.

  Ready for the short drive, I turn the radio up and sing along to the songs. Lily makes little noises along with me and I can’t help but laugh thinking it’s her way of singing along. The drive goes quickly and before I know it we’ve arrived.

  Pulling into the gym parking lot, my nerves set in. I didn’t text Jax to tell him we were on the way and now I’m wondering if I should have. Feeling a bit uncertain but admittedly excited to see him, I unbuckle Lily, grab our bags and head inside before I can change my mind. Opening the glass entrance door, I immediately notice the large reception desk in the front and the girl sitting behind it. She’s cute and talking on the phone so she doesn’t greet us right away except to cast me a smile. Waiting, I look around and observe all the men that are working out. There’s a few lifting free weights with loud grunts of exertion in one far corner and a couple more running on the treadmill opposite of the others. Turning my head to view the other side of the gym, I scan all the punching bags and men hitting them so hard the thwack’s echo around the room. There’s two guys sparring in a large off-center ring and I can see them dodging one another their focus intent, while a few people appear to be working at what looks like a juice bar on the other side. There’s also a large cage like thing ---the kind that fights are held in, I think, recalling something I’ve seen on TV, but no one is in it right now. I’ve never been in a gym quite like this before and in fact this is my first visit to an MMA facility, so I try to absorb everything quickly. I’m surprised at the sheer size of the place and am quite impressed that Jax runs all of this. There’s even a gift shop off of the reception area and I decide to take a peek inside while waiting for the receptionist to finish up. I see gloves, water bottles, t-shirts, shorts, energy drinks and more. Wow. Color me impressed. I expected to see a ring, cage, and weights, sure, but not everything else. It’s pretty amazing.

  “Hello. Welcome to XTreme Fitness Center. How can I help you?”

  “Hi,” I reply somewhat shyly. “I’m looking for Jax?”

  “Oh sure. Can I tell him who’s here to see him?”

  “Yes, of course. My name is Rowan.”

  She picks up a phone and repeats my name to the person on the other end. “He’ll be right out.”

  No more than thirty seconds later, Jax walks out of a door to the right of where I’m standing. His arrival surprises me since I never saw that door. He makes his way over to me with a huge smile on his face. When he reaches me, he leans down and gives me a light kiss on my lips, “Hi, gorgeous.”

  “Hi, yourself.”

  His thumb brushes my cheek. “I’m so glad you came.” Then he does something that will forever make me his. He leans down and unbuckles Lily from her car seat. He struggles a bit getting the straps off of her arms, but he doesn’t let that bother him. When he lifts her out, he places a kiss on the tip of her nose, “Hi, sweet girl. Thanks for coming to visit me with your mommy.”

  Lily reaches out and grabs his nose and Jax laughs. He picks up her seat, moves her to one arm like a pro and says, “Come with me to my office.”

  “Okay.”

  I follow him back the way he came and out of the corner of my eye I notice a few guys that stop what they’re doing and watch us walk by. When we reach his office I release a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. I’m nervous to meet his friends.

  When we walk into his office, it’s massive. He has a large desk, a bookshelf and I’m shocked to see the other items in the room. “A bouncer and toys?”

  I swear the tips of his cheeks turn red, “I want Lily to be comfortable when you guys come to visit, so I grabbed this stuff from the store this morning.”

  He places Lily in the bouncer seat and buckles her in. Pressing a button, it makes a bar above the seat light up and play music. Lily instantly starts kicking her arms and legs in joy and swats at the mobiles hanging in front of her.

  When Jax turns around to look at me, he opens his mouth to say something, but I swallow the words with my mouth because I’ve lunged at him and am kissing him with everything I have. His initial surprise disappears quickly and he kisses me back with equal passion. My hands clutch handfuls of his shirt and I’m standing on my toes to reach him. Our mouths move in sync, tongues twirling and tasting. I pull back and place one more kiss on his lips. “Thank you.”

  “I will go to the store right now and buy one of everything I see if this is the reaction I’ll receive.”

  I laugh with joy and feel my cheeks flush in embarrassment at my enthusiasm. I guess I did pretty much tackle him with my lips. “It means a lot to me that you thought of her like this.”

  “Of course I did. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Please don’t downplay it. It’s a big deal to me. Okay?”

  “Okay. Then you’re welcome.”

  He leans forward and takes my lips in another kiss, but before we can get too carried away, there’s a knock on the door. He sighs, “I knew this was going to happen.”

  “What?”

  “I hope you’re ready to meet the guys, babe, because behind that door, they’re all standing there ready to meet you.”

  I look at the door and feel my eyes widen and Jax chuckles. “What? How do you know?”

  “I just know.”

  “Buy why?”

  “It’s the first time I’ve ever brought a girl here.” I stare at him and he shrugs, “They’re curious the nosy bastards.” He keeps grumbling all the way to the door and when he pulls it open, five sets of eyes look past him and at me. I have to force myself not to shrink back from their gazes.

  Giving a hesitant wave, I murmur, “Uh, hi.”

  That’s all it takes. They all come bounding into the office pushing one another out of the way like little puppies, while making snide remarks to one another about moving so they can meet me. I take a step back, mouth opening in surprise as I take them all in. It’s like a freaking hot guy festival right in front of me and I’m the only one that bought a ticket. Please don’t drool, Rowan. Please don’t drool.

  I recognize Zane and he walks forward and gives me a hug. His frame envelops mine and he holds me for a touch too long, “Good to see you again, Rowan.”

  “Hi.”

  “Get the fuck off of her now, Zane.”

  I can feel the vibrations of Zane’s chuckle against my cheek and I cant help but smile as he pulls away. Giving Jax a quick smile my focus is taken from him when a guy that can only be described as a walking advertisement for a surfer boy walks up to me. He has bright green eyes and blonde hair that’s long on top, but short on the sides and he’s shirtless, so I try really hard to not take in his ripped chest. But it’s hard – oh so hard. Pun intended – the dude’s ripped. “Hi beautiful, I’m Levi. Do you have your phone with you?”

  “My phone?” I look at him in confusion but nod my head yes.

  “Let me give you my number, doll, so you can call me up when you come to your senses and dump this guy,” he jerks his thumb at Jax.

  “Shut up, Levi.”

  I can’t help but giggle, “Hi, Levi. Sounds like a plan.” I teasingly whisper back at him making him beam and Jax narrow his eyes.

  Pushing him out of the way is a guy with a shaved head except for a strip of spiked hair that runs down the center. They’re all covered in tattoos from what I can tell, but he seems to have many more than the rest. His arms are covered in them, and while he has a v-neck shirt on, there are tattoos peeking out the top. His eyes are a light blue, and his dark eyebrows make them pop. An earring winks at me out of his left ear and his full lips curve upwards in a sexy as sin grin. “Hello there, beautiful.” Without another word he gives me a kiss on the cheek and I admit it, I gasp softly. His sexuality is as potent as the smell of cologne in the air.

  Jax of course in
terrupts, “Okay, that’s enough, Ryder.”

  With a laugh, Ryder backs up and I smile a little wobbly at him, “Nice to meet you.”

  He winks, “I know.”

  “Hi!” I turn away from Ryder and take in the red haired, soul patched, freckled blue- eyed guy who stands before me. He’s shorter than the rest of the guys, but by no means is he lost in the crowd. “My name is Dylan.”

  “Hi, Dylan. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “You too.”

  He’s super cute. I kind of want to pinch his cheeks, which wouldn’t be appropriate at all.

  Just behind Dylan is a guy with dark hair, and eyes so dark they look black. His ears stick out just a smidge, but they make him look almost… charming. He could certainly rival Ryder with his tattoos and when he gives me a shy smile and wave, I find myself automatically returning it. “Hey, I’m Cole.”

  That’s all he says and then he looks at Jax as if making sure that it was okay to do so. “Nice to meet you, Cole.”

  Not wanting to be ignored, Lily chooses that moment to fuss from her seat. Before I can get her, Jax is there, unbuckling her from her seat. He holds her in his arms and gives her a couple bounces making her, and me, smile. I wonder if this feeling I get when I see her with him, like I’m suddenly goo, will ever stop. “Guys, this is Lily. Lily, these are the guys.”

  Jax holds her proudly and I wish I had my phone in my hand so I could videotape the reaction from these men. That’s the only way anyone would believe me later. These tough, covered in tattoos fighters all turn to big softies as they coo at and talk baby talk to Lily. She gives them all big gummy smiles and bats her lashes. I swear she’s flirting with them.

  “She’s so cute.”

  “Look at her little smile.”

  “She’s beautiful like her mama.”

  I find myself beaming at all of them, and when I look at Jax, I find that he’s already looking back at me. I hold his stare and try to articulate everything I’m feeling into my eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever been more attracted to him than in this moment. His eyes narrow a little as if he knows what I’m thinking and then his lips curve up into a smirk. “Okay guys, get out of here. I think you’ve overwhelmed Rowan and Lily enough for now.”