Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  With grumbles and waves goodbye, they all file out of the office. Jax places Lily back in her chair and gives her a bottle when she fusses. She takes it to her mouth and sucks happily, eyes partially closing in happiness.

  When Jax turns to me, I practically fall into his arms eager to get my mouth on his. When I do, we both let out simultaneous groans. My hands move over his chest and I feel the hard muscle underneath. Wrapping my hands around his waist, I pull him closer to me and explore his mouth with my tongue, feeling my lips firm against his and reveling in the feeling of my whole body pressing against his in need. My core throbs with want and the feeling makes me feel ravenous. Jax pulls back from me, “Whoa,” he says making me smile.

  “Yes, whoa.”

  “Babe, if you keep kissing me like that, I’m going to strip you bare and take you right here on the couch. But I don’t think that would be appropriate in front of the little lady.”

  “You’re right about that. Not sure I want her to have an anatomy lesson quite yet.”

  “Come on, let’s get Lily and I’ll give you a tour of the place and then let me take you out to eat.”

  “Okay, that sounds good.”

  He places another soft kiss on my mouth, and when I pull away I feel the possibility for what could happen between us when I see the promise sparkling in his eyes.

  The days leading up to the fight have passed quickly. I’ve seen Rowan almost every day and the few times I haven’t, I think about her so much she may as well be standing in the room with me. I don’t know what it is – I’ve wanted her from the moment I saw her and that feeling hasn’t diminished at all. It only grows more each day.

  The last couple weeks have been an exercise in restraint, that’s for sure. Just thinking about Rowan makes my body tremble with need. I’ve been careful not to push her too far as not to scare her away. Truth is, she rocks my world with just her kisses. Each time I kiss her in return, I throw all my passion and my all-consuming thoughts of her into every stroke of my tongue and each movement of my lips. I only hope that she feels the same spark I do each and every time. Spark is too mild; it’s sheer fireworks.

  My attraction to her is much more than sex. She’s smart, funny, kind, loving and so sassy that I want to spank her ass and see what she would do. Taking it slow has been the right thing. I want to make sure the douche before me is well out of her mind and heart before we go there, but I’m not sure how much longer I can take this. I’m about to explode. Cold showers and jacking off like a horny high school kid has become the norm for me. It’s been that or choosing to be a walking erection twenty-four seven.

  Stepping out of yet another cold shower, I’m thankful that this one is not to cool my hormones, but rather to clear my head. Focus on this day is needed because it’s going to be a brutal one. It’s weigh-in day, which normally wouldn’t be a big deal, except for those of us that are over our weight limit for our fight class. And as of right now, that includes me. That means working out like crazy in order to lose the last few pounds before pre-fight weigh-ins occur tonight. No one wants to have issues in front of the fans and MMA coordinators. Audrey is watching Lily the next two nights so Rowan can stay with me for the weekend. She insisted on being here to support and cheer me on. And I’m really glad. I’m not sure how Coach Gil is going to feel about it considering he will say it’s a distraction, but he can deal. I want her here.

  Putting on shorts, t-shirt, socks and my running shoes, I walk out of the locker room and into the gym where Gil and the other guys are hanging out waiting to begin – not that they couldn’t start without me. I’m pretty sure they’re delaying as long as possible. Given how much I’m about to sweat, a shower was probably stupid, but it certainly felt like it would help. I’m ready to get this show on the road.

  “Alright, motherfuckers, let’s do this.”

  “About time, Jackson. I don’t want to stand here all damn day,” Gil grumbles.

  “Cool it old man, my shower was only fifteen minutes tops.”

  He gives me a grin and holds out my sauna suit with glee in his eyes.

  “I think you enjoy this a little too much you sadistic prick.”

  He just continues smiling while I slide my arms into the long sleeves of the suit jacket and push my hands past the gathered fabric at my wrists that’s supposed to keep heat from leaving my body. Zipping up the front, I then step into the pants and push my feet past the same gatherings at the ankles. Made to keep heat enclosed so that I sweat like a pig, I’m ready to sweat off the pounds.

  We all weighed ourselves earlier in the locker room wearing only our briefs to see how much weight we had to lose. I only have three pounds to drop, and so does Ryder, but Levi has five and Cole six. All of us must have overindulged a bit the last few weeks, or we’ve just gained too much muscle weight. Either way, it needs to come off so we aren’t disqualified.

  “Start off on the treadmill boys,” Coach Gil bosses. “Five miles starting now.”

  We all shuffle our way to the machines and start running. Shortly, our competitiveness takes over and we race to see who can finish the miles first. Boys will be boys I guess. After the treadmills we lift weights, sit in the sauna, jump rope and run again. Then we start all over. Between each set, we strip, weigh ourselves to see our progress, then put the sweat soaked suits back on and keep going. It’s a tedious process and the exhaustion starts to make us crazy.

  “I think I’m going to hook up with Nikki tonight,” Levi announces. We’re all practically lying down in the sauna, too tired to sit upright any longer.

  “Why? You into STD roulette or something?” Ryder asks.

  “Oh please, we all know you’ve gone there yourself,” Cole points out.

  “True story, but as you know, I hit it and quit it. No girl is worth getting all of this,” he grabs his junk, “more than once,” Ryder says.

  “And what you do isn’t STD roulette? You’re just as bad,” I say. He just shrugs in response. “You can’t tell me that there’s never once been a girl that you wanted to be with more than once,” I push.

  “Nope. I don’t need or want any chick getting attached to me. I don’t do relationships. And I always wrap it before I tap it, so no roulette here.”

  “God, it’s like a conversation full of the worst sexual references known to man,” Cole says.

  “What about Rowan, Jax?” Levi asks. “You hit that yet?”

  I lift my head and glare at him, “None of your fucking business.”

  “That’s a no,” he snorts.

  “Fuck off, Levi. Rowan isn’t just some fighter groupie chick or one night stand. Don’t talk about her like that.”

  “Whoa, sounds like someone’s got it bad,” Ryder adds.

  “If I had a girl that looks like that to sink into every night, I’d probably have it bad too,” Cole replies.

  “You all better shut the fuck up or I’ll beat your asses.”

  Possessiveness runs through my veins and I want to cut off their dicks and rip their tongues out for speaking about Rowan with sexual innuendo. She’s totally off limits to them – in every way that implies - and I intend to keep that very clear. Taking deep breaths I do my best to ignore all of them and they eventually move on to a discussion about the best sex they’ve had with groupies and a few non-groupies as well. Tuning them out, I try to distract myself and push the feeling that I’m going to die out of my mind. It’s hot and every minute that passes it gets harder to breathe. Thoughts of Rowan and Lily enter my mind and like a soothing balm, they immediately help calm me.

  When Gil tells us it’s time to get out of the sauna, we all practically crawl on our hands and knees to the scales.

  “Thank bloody Christ,” Ryder says when he sees he’s dropped his three pounds. I second that emotion when I see I’m down my three as well and start ripping off my suit. I stifle a laugh, mostly, when Cole and Levi curse up a storm, aware they haven’t made their weight yet and plod their way back to the treadmills with signif
icant effort.

  Once Ryder and I get our suits off, we immediately grab towels to wipe off our saturated faces and make our way to the treadmills to encourage Levi and Cole. If you can call it that.

  “You can run faster than that, you pussies,” Ryder hollers.

  “You’re never going to make weight at this pace, assholes. Pick up the stride,” I add.

  “At this rate, you’re both going to get your asses kicked tomorrow,” Ryder helpfully adds.

  “Fuck you!” Cole and Levi yell at the same time making Ryder, Gil and me laugh.

  We may joke, but this shit isn’t easy and encouraging each other helps even if we don’t admit it. We’re a team after all.

  It takes a couple hours for them to drop their pounds. We all head to the showers and clean up. Afterwards, we go our separate ways, knowing we’ll see each other later at the weigh-in. Energy recharged, I practically run to my car, texting Rowan that I’m on my way, excited to pick her up. I’ve definitely found a second wind and feel wired up and ready to start the weekend. Now to put that vitality to good use. When I pull up to her townhouse and turn off the ignition, I’m barely out of the car before she appears before me, “Hey, I was just getting ready to come up to the door.”

  “No need. When you texted I decided to keep an eye out.”

  I like to think maybe she’s just as excited to see me as I am her. Taking her in my arms, I give her a brief kiss and open the truck door for her. When I see she has an overnight bag hanging from her hand, I want to fist pump the air. I asked her to stay over for the weekend, but wasn’t sure if she would take me up on it. “So, you’re going to stay?”

  She bites her lip and looks at me almost shyly, the effect making me want to take her up against my car right now in front of anyone and everyone. “Yes.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay with that? I know it’s probably hard to leave Lily.”

  Her face falls for just a moment and I want to kick myself in the ass for bringing it up and wiping off the smile she had. “It really is. But, Audrey helped convince me that time to myself is really important too. I have her number, she has mine, Lily loves Audrey and she will be okay.”

  “Yes, she will. We will call and text to check on her a lot, okay?”

  Her face lights up again and I feel relief. Putting her bag in the car, I close the door behind her then hustle to my side, start the truck and begin the short drive to my place.

  She looks at me and smiles, “How was the work out?”

  “It sucked, but produced positive results. We’re all down to our required weight and ready for the weigh-in tonight.”

  “That’s good. And that’s in a few hours?”

  “Right. I thought we could go to my place and hang out for a bit until we have to leave and head over. The fight is being held at the Arizona Red Rock Casino, as is the weigh-in tonight. After I’m done, I thought we could have dinner at the casino if you’d like before we go back to my place, or we can get carry out and take it home. Whatever you want to do, we can play it by ear. I just can’t eat beforehand because I can’t run the risk of gaining back the weight I lost.”

  “I understand and your plans sound good to me.”

  When we reach my place, I feel excited when I let her in the door. My condo isn’t anything amazing, but it feels good having her in my personal space. As soon as we walk inside, she lingers in the living room looking around. “It’s not anything special,” I tell her self consciously, “kind of plain.”

  “It looks great. Give me a tour?”

  “Sure,” I smile and grab her arm. “As you can see, this is the living room.” I glance around and note the dark wood bookshelves, black leather couches and big screen TV, trying to see things through her eyes, and find myself feeling thankful I’ve cleaned and dusted recently. “The kitchen is through here.” Her eyes skim the dark cherry cabinets, marble countertops, and the stainless steel appliances that are so shiny they look new. Taking her down the hall, I show her the first bedroom on the right, which is the master suite with bath. She peeks in through the doorway and pauses as though she’s taking a mental picture, capturing the dark mahogany king size bed, the grey and black bedding and black leather furniture. Not wanting to make her uncomfortable and give away how much I want to take her into the room and rip her clothes off, I show her the other bathroom and two bedrooms on the south side. “This room is a guest room. When I bought the house I knew I needed to have an extra room for guests in case one of the guys ever needs to crash, and this room I use as a home office.”

  She walks into the room and seems to be inspecting it. I’m curious what she thinks. This room is my office slash man-cave - a shrine to my wrestling and MMA career. Shelves holding awards and medals are on one wall and a big couch and desk take up the majority of the room. Hanging on the wall are dozens of photos of me fighting, posing with other fighters, with the guys, at competitions and at the gym. She walks closer to get a better look of the photos and her gaze stops on one and holds. It’s one of my favorites and the central point of all of the photos. I walk up behind her, “That’s me with my grandfather.”

  “The one that left you the gym?”

  “Yes, his name was Steven and I called him Pops.” I look at the two of us sitting together on the edge of a boxing ring, him likely giving me tips and me taking in everything he had to say.

  “How did he pass away?”

  Staring at the photo, my heart feels heavy and I swallow the thickness that’s suddenly in my throat. His loss is still palpable. “He had a heart attack. They rushed him to emergency and through tests saw he had artery blockages and needed to do emergency bypass surgery. He died on the table.”

  “Oh no, I’m so sorry.”

  Turning her in my arms and smiling at her, I tuck the hair that’s fallen forward behind her ear. Smiling sadly, I brush her cheek with the back of my hand. “Thank you. I’m sorry too. I miss him. It would be easy to lose myself in the grief, but he wouldn’t want that for me, so I choose to remember the good times, like those represented in this picture.”

  “How long has he been gone?”

  “A little more than a year. I’ve had the gym pretty much since then though in retrospect I was running a lot of things long before he passed. I thought my father would fight the ownership since he was so angry, but he didn’t. He chooses to wallow in his bitterness and anger. I tried to do anything to make him not hate me initially, but then I realized it was his problem, not mine, and decided to focus on maintaining the gym my grandfather loved. I love it too. Maybe even more now that he’s gone.”

  “That’s a healthy way to look at it. I don’t think that’s an easy thing for people to do.”

  “No, it isn’t. I learned that I can’t move forward with my life when I let things in my past hold me back. Only a fool carries other people’s envy, insecurities, and troubles into their future, ya know? And that’s exactly what my dad is – envious.”

  “My mom had that problem too.”

  I stand still, not wanting to move, or do anything that will make her clam up and quit talking. I know how hard these memories are for her. I was surprised the first time she spoke so freely about her mother, and thought perhaps it was a one-time thing. Whether she ever brought her up again or not, my goal has been to help her move past the pain of her mother’s words, any way I can. I will never bring it up until or unless she wants to talk about it, but I can certainly use other situations to help send a message that pertains to her mother too. I know very well what it’s like to carry that kind of pain in your life. Parents can seriously fuck you up.

  “She would have her good and sober moments and would be happy until something would set her off. It didn’t take much. Often it would be seeing a couple with their children. A ‘normal family’ as she would say. She would see a man, a father, lovingly interacting with his wife and children and she’d start in and wouldn’t stop. She’d lose her mind, initially letting me know how that should be her and usual
ly resort to interesting name-calling. She’d wrap it up by telling me not to ever expect having such a life because the women in our family are cursed.”

  “You mentioned the curse before. It sounds like she truly believed it.”

  “Yes. She said repeatedly that all the Martin women are cursed. That any man we care for and are ever with will inevitably leave. That we are destined to be unloved and alone.”

  How does a mother say that to her own child? “You told me when I asked before that you don’t believe it’s true. Is that really how you feel? I’m not saying you lied to me, I just know that telling yourself you know she was wrong and actually believing it, are two very different things.”

  “Honestly? Sometimes. Sometimes I believe that it isn’t true. Other times, I’m not so sure. . When Jason…well…let’s just say that at times I do believe her, yes. But then I had Lily, and even though it’s not the same thing, for the first time in a long time, I feel hope.” Again at the mention of her baby her eyes light up and chase away the fog that old ghosts had placed there and the tension in her body eases and ebbs. She’s beautiful and she doesn’t even know it. “Lily makes her whole entire theory die. She loves me. And I love her and that’s all that matters. With Lily I know that love is possible – a forever kind of love.” I walk to her and cup her face and kiss her lips softly. “You deserve to be loved, Rowan. Not just by your daughter, but by anyone else that’s lucky enough to know you. Don’t ever let her win. By giving in to her words and making them your own, you give her power. She sounds like a woman that let herself become bitter by her circumstances, instead of choosing to allow them to make her stronger. You are the epitome of strong. Don’t let her touch you.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?” I ask.

  “Why would you care?”

  I look at her brows lowered in confusion, “What’s not to care about? Why wouldn’t I care?”