Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  “You can’t talk to me like that, you bitch. You’re just a piece of pussy to my son. That doesn’t grant you the right to talk to me like that.”

  “Get you’re fucking hands off my girl right the hell now.” Jax’s voice is low, distinct and cold. You can hear his vicious feelings in each word. He’s holding himself back from punching his own father. Shooting my glance over Jerry’s shoulder to his face confirms my thoughts. He’s standing there with Lily in his arms, looking absolutely livid. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are shooting daggers at his father. Dropping the pen and paper at my feet, I walk to him and take Lily from his arms. He immediately puts an arm around my waist and pulls me to him. “Get your shit and get the hell out of my gym,” Jax demands of Jerry.

  Jerry takes a step towards Jax, “You can’t kick me out of here. This place is as much mine as it is yours. It belonged to MY father, you son of a bitch, and you cannot make me leave.”

  “I sure as hell can. Pops left this to me, not both of us. I’ve had enough of your hate and manipulations, and you sure as hell are not going to talk to Rowan like that. That’s absolutely the last straw. Get. Out. Now.”

  “You’ll regret this. Who’s going to help organize your fights and get sponsors for everyone now?” Jerry seethes.

  “It’s not your concern. We’ll figure it out just fine.”

  “If I go, that means Cole goes with me.”

  Jax looks at Cole, and Cole returns his look with apology written all over his face. Not once does he open his mouth to defend Jax, but he doesn’t defend Jerry either. “That’s up to Cole. He’s always welcome here any time. You, are not.”

  Cole nods, walks to Jerry and takes his arm, “Let’s go.”

  With a final stare at Jax, Jerry walks away. “This isn’t over,” Jerry throws over his shoulder as he leaves. Cole mouths the word “sorry” over his shoulder before turning back around.

  Turning to Jax with apology in my eyes, I hold Lily tightly to me. She seems to feel the tension in the air and remains quiet. “Jax, I’m sorry. I was only trying to get Cole’s information. Jerry didn’t like it.”

  “Don’t you dare blame yourself. This has been a long time in coming. It’s actually a relief to kick his ass out. All I feel when he’s around is tense, angry and frustrated. I’m tense waiting for his next rude comment. Angry because he can’t get past his ridiculous feelings and for once be grateful that he has a son his own father loved enough to help take care of. And frustrated because nothing I’ve ever done is good enough for him. I can’t get through to him. And I’ve tried long enough. I thought still having him around was better than never seeing him at all. I was wrong. It’s best he’s not here any longer.”

  “I’m still so sorry. This can’t be easy and my heart is aching for you.”

  “It’s not easy, you’re right. But, I refuse to let his hate affect me any longer. This is his issue. I’ve already spent far too much of my life trying to change things, and I’m not going to do it anymore. I don’t know why my grandfather did what he did, and it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to carry my father’s problems with me into the future. It’s time to move on. I’m not going backward emotionally or mentally for him.”

  “I’m proud of you and I really respect your ability to do the right thing for you.”

  “Well, if you don’t look out for your own heart, no one else will, right? Except, I promise to always help guard yours,” he smiles at me and brushes his thumb over my cheek. I love it when he does that. He touches my heart with so many sweet gestures.

  “And I yours,” I promise.

  “Come on. I’ve checked that order and it’s all good. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

  Jax insists we still eat lunch at the park. He doesn’t want his father to mess up our day. Lily’s propped in Jax’s lap and trying to reach for his food. He hands her a cheerio and she happily brings it to her mouth. She looks adorable in her little sun hat, but her best accessory is the man holding her. “This was a great idea,” I smile happily at Jax.

  “I thought so too. It’s a nice day out today. Not too hot yet, but it’s coming.”

  “Yeah it is. We always skip the Spring and dive right into Summer here.”

  “Do you miss California?”

  “No, not really. We’ve been here long enough that it’s become home. When we first moved I was sad to leave a couple friends I had, but leaving was far more important. I’ve never been very good at making new friends. Tyson always fills that role for me, so I guess I’ve never really felt an absence of that in my life.”

  “That makes sense. He’s your best friend so you never really needed anyone else.”

  I shrug, “I guess. I’ve never really thought about it. Besides, not everyone can have friends as great as yours.”

  “And yours now too. I’m pretty sure they like you more than me now.”

  Laughing, I take a drink of my lemonade. “I can’t help it. I’m charming.”

  He laughs but it quickly fades. “By the way, I’m sorry that I had Lily in my arms when I came out and yelled at my dad. When I walked past the door of my office and saw my dad standing there, I knew that couldn’t be good. The look on your face proved it. I just grabbed her and came over. I thought for a minute about asking Cindy at the front desk to hold her, but hell if I know if she has any experience with kids.”

  I almost choke on my lemonade. “So you’re apologizing to me for not giving Lily to someone you weren’t comfortable leaving her with? You never have to do that. Jax, do you have any idea how much it means to me that something like that would even cross your mind?”

  He shrugs and looks away embarrassed and I reach out and grab his hand silently thanking him. “I care about her too.”

  Smiling softly I know that he more than cares for her, “I know.” Knowing a change in subject is in order, I remember to ask him something I’ve been meaning to all week. “Oh, by the way, I would like your help with something.”

  “Name it.”

  “Tyson’s birthday is coming up and I was wondering if you can help me pick out some MMA stuff for him? I don’t know if he may need new gloves or work out clothes? I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

  He laughs, “I think I can be of assistance, no problem.” His face falls, “Wait. If Ty’s birthday is soon that means that yours is too. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “It’s not a big deal.”

  “Yes, it is. When is it?”

  “Saturday.”

  “Saturday? As in the day after tomorrow?”

  “Yeah,” I smile sheepishly hoping he isn’t mad at me.

  Shaking his head, “Good thing for you we have a few things in my shop at the gym I can suggest and I can also show you a few things at the sports store in the mall. They actually carry some MMA items – cool t-shirts, hoodies, that kind of thing.”

  “Okay, that will be great. Do you have time now?”

  “Absolutely, let’s go.”

  A little while later, Lily is happily in her stroller and we’re browsing through the racks of clothes. Jax is showing me the stuff he recommends and it’s also giving me ideas for things I could maybe get for him at some point too. I end up with a couple t-shirts and shorts for Tyson that Jax says are great for training and a cool MMA brand shirt.

  Walking out of the store, I stand on my tip toes and kiss him on the cheek, “Thank you for your help.”

  “You can thank me more properly later.”

  I laugh, “Sounds like a plan to me.”

  “I’m going to duck into the coffee shop and get a coffee. Would you like one?”

  “Yeah, that would be great. Thank you.”

  “Alright, I’ll be right back. Don’t go far.”

  “I won’t. I’m going to go check out that clothing store,” I tell him point to it.

  “Okay.”

  Walking over I window shop before I start to make my way into the store but a woman walks out of the store with a baby in
her arms. I stop so suddenly, almost running into them with my stroller. I’m seriously not very good at maneuvering the damn thing; it’s like me in a car with a stick shift - impossible. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  “That’s okay. Oh, your baby is so cute! How old is she?” She leans over a little to talk to Lily, “You’re so cute. Yes you are.”

  “She’s five months. How old is your little girl?” She’s quite cute too. She’s looking down at Lily and smiling. I love how babies are completely fascinated with other babies.

  “She’s eighteen months. Aren’t they so much fun? Such little blessings.” She smiles at me and I see she’s quite pretty. Blonde hair, blue eyes that almost look grey and a sweet voice.

  Right then, Lily starts fussing and I lean down to dig into my diaper bag, just as I see someone walk up to the girl out of the corner of my eye, “Oh there you are,” she says. “Look at the baby, isn’t she so cute? Katie is making friends.”

  “Hey babe. Here’s your coffee.” I spin and smile at Jax, taking the coffee from his hand.

  “Thank you,” I reply just as I hear, “Yeah, she’s cute,” from the man who walked up to the blonde.

  Spinning around I stare in disbelief. Jason is standing next to the blonde, arm wrapped around her waist, staring at our child. Three things happen at once in what feels like slow motion. His eyes meet mine, Lily stops fussing, and my coffee hits the ground with a loud smack spraying everywhere.

  “Rowan?”

  Two men say my name simultaneously for two completely different reasons.

  “Rowan?” I ask again. Her face is pale and her mouth is open. It finally dawns on me that she’s staring at the guy in front of Lily’s stroller. Instinctively, I move closer to Rowan and look down at Lily. Lily’s fine, oblivious to everything around her except for the man across the way carrying dozens of balloons.

  “Babe?” I ask again looking at her worriedly. Finally, she looks at me, and I see anger and panic in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

  “Jill, why don’t you go on over to the coffee place and get us our usual. I’ll meet you there,” the guy that’s upset Rowan says.

  Jill looks from Rowan to this guy and back again, nodding her head. “Okay.” She takes her baby’s hand and makes a waving motion, “Katie, say bye daddy, bye daddy,” she says in a singsong voice. Then she smiles and walks away, the sound of her babbling to her baby getting quieter and quieter in her retreat.

  Rowan makes a choking sound and I feel alarmed. She’s looking at the man once again, and he’s looking at her. “Daddy?” she whispers. “Is that your baby?” The man just stares at her, then his gaze moves to Lily. He reaches out as if to touch Lily and Rowan immediately reacts. “Don’t you dare touch her!” She pulls the stroller back, out of his reach.

  “What is going on?” I demand. I glare at this unknown person who is clearly upsetting my girl. What is he? Some child loving perv? . What did I miss? “Who the hell are you?” Rowan’s look of astonishment and fear are worrying me.

  “Answer me,” Rowan hisses. “Is that your baby?”

  The man stares at her before answering, “Yes.”

  “Oh my god. Oh my god. And the woman?” He just stares at her and doesn’t answer. Rowan waits a beat before hissing, “It sure took you an awfully long time to park your fucking car, asshole. But now, it all makes sense.”

  What. The. Fuck.

  Taking two steps forward, my fists automatically clench in realization. “You’re the prick who left Rowan at the hospital in labor. You left her sitting and waiting for you. She sat there three hours waiting for your sorry ass to return. You left her, and you left your baby, and you have the guts to stand here and try to reach out to touch her? To even look at them? Get the fuck out of here.”

  He holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender, but instead of retreating, takes a step forward. “Wait. I can explain.”

  “It’s taking all I have to not plunge my fist through your face. You can’t offer an explanation good enough. If I were you, I’d back the hell up right now,” I threaten.

  He doesn’t. He stares at me for a beat, before returning his attention to Rowan. I take it as pure defiance and take a step forward intending on following through with my threat. That is until Rowan places a hand on my chest silently stopping me. And that’s when I catch the look on her face – she’s pissed – but she’s in control. I relax a little, her touch calming my innate need to protect and defend - for the moment. “Rowan, I-“

  “You what, Jason? Got lost? Suffered from amnesia? Went crazy? Was in a coma until yesterday? Or how about, you have another baby with another woman that you never told me about? Suddenly, it’s all clear. There’s nothing you could possibly have to say that I want to hear right now. It’s been five fucking months. Five months.” She shakes her head in disbelief, “Just go. Pretend you never even saw us, because as far as I’m concerned, this never happened.”

  She grabs the stroller, and starts walking away, but not before she reaches for my hand. She doesn’t look back, but I do. He’s still standing there watching her walk away as if he has the right. There are so many things I would like to say to him, but she’s more important right now. She’s shaking badly, so I grab the stroller and steer us to the side, stopping for a moment. Without a word, I loop her arm through mine, kiss her forehead, then push the stroller towards the exit. We don’t say a word until we are inside my truck. “Quite the day we’ve had. I’m thinking we should go back to my place and stay there for the next three days or so at least,” I suggest.

  Looking at me with a small smile she turns her body towards me. “That sounds like a good plan to me. I’m sorry, Jax. I just… I wasn’t expecting that. To say the least.”

  “I don’t understand why you’re apologizing.”

  “I’m apologizing because I let him get to me so much that I left in the middle of our shopping trip. And because I didn’t let you punch his face.”

  Laughing softly, I reach out and take her hand. “It’s okay, Rowan. You’re shocked, angry, and I would expect you’re sad too. Do you want to talk about it?”

  She sighs, “I’m just… so angry. Jax, when he disappeared, I sat in that waiting area and I tried calling him over, and over, and over. I left messages. Initially, I actually thought something might have happened to him.” She laughs sardonically. “Then, at my emotional lowest, I actually went to his place and beat on the door. I cried on his doorstep, with our daughter in my arms, and begged him to open his door. I begged until his neighbors told me they’d call the police if I didn’t leave.”

  Staying quiet, I stroke the back of her hand with my thumb, while I let her work through her emotions. Sneaking a peek at Lily, I’m happy to see she’s sleeping. Her little hands rest on her chest and a pacifier moves in her mouth as she sucks it on and off in her sleep. My heart squeezes thinking about the man that abandoned her. I can’t comprehend walking away from her, or her mother.

  “I know I was deep into my post-partum depression when I acted that way, but I think I would have done it regardless. I felt so lost and confused. And you know what? Yes, I’m angry he abandoned us, but truly, I’m angrier for Lily. She doesn’t deserve this.”

  “No, she doesn’t. But neither do you.”

  She continues as if I never spoke, “Did you see the way he was looking at her? As if he was moved by how cute she is, like he wanted to touch her and hold her. And that baby… oh god, Jax. That baby is his. And that woman… I feel sick.” She starts breathing hard and I help her push her head between her legs, taking deep breaths with her until she relaxes again.

  “Better?” I ask.

  She nods. “I never want to see him again.”

  “With any luck you won’t. Give yourself time to process this and don’t beat yourself up for feeling angry, sick and shocked.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. I am that. Shocked. Running into him is not something that’s crossed my mind. Maybe at first I thought about it, but not in a long time.
Not now that I’m happy and Lily and I are good, you know?”

  Not able to hold it in any longer, I lean towards her and give her a small kiss on the mouth, letting my lips linger for a moment as I hold her chin with my fingers. Tucking her hair behind her ear, I smile in reassurance. “You and Lily are great, not just good. You are the most amazing mom. Be proud of everything you’ve done. Don’t let him mess with any of that. Don’t second guess any of your decisions.”

  “No, I don’t. Really, I don’t. Like I said, I’m just angry. I will never, ever, understand how he could just abandon his child, whether he has another one or not.”

  “I hope you don’t ever understand that, babe.”

  Suddenly she laughs prompting me to look at her curiously, “He didn’t want Lily because he already had a baby. That’s why he told me to get rid of my pregnancy.”

  “He did what?!” I slam my hand on the steering wheel in anger. That asshole.

  She smiles sadly, “Really are you surprised?”

  “I’m so sorry you had to endure all of this, but I’m so happy you aren’t falling for his bullshit anymore.”

  “Me too.” She smiles and then initiates a kiss on my lips. “Thank you for being here for me.”

  “Always. I’m guarding your heart, remember?”

  “I remember. And I yours.”

  We share a smile and without another word I head back to my place.

  That Saturday evening, I’m sitting in the diner waiting for Rowan to get off work. I’m taking her back to her place when she’s done to spend the evening with her. It’s her birthday, and I have a surprise. I hate that she’s working on her birthday, but she insisted, so I let it go. I’m anxious to get her out of here.

  When Zane casually walks in and sits at my table I smile at his nonchalance even though the meeting is planned. We just don’t want Rowan to know. “Hey,” I greet him.

  “Yo. How’s it going?”

  “It’s going. Is everything ready?”

  “Yep. She gets off in the next half hour, right?”