Loving You Through Our Differences

by Tucora Monique

  “No, no, sweetie. You know me better than that. You can never be overprepared for something like this. Everything is already ordered, I’m having four dozen roses delivered Saturday only as a backup. If they aren’t needed, I’ve planned on giving them to my bridesmaids and other female guests.

  “Oh OK. That’s a cute idea.”

  “I can’t wait to see Carmen. We’ve spoken twice this month, and both times she mentioned some big surprise she has for us. I hope she found a man like her dear ol’ sister.”

  “You’re on a roll today huh, chick? Thankfully, I have my glasses to block out all that hate. And yes, my sister and I have spoken. Remember I mentioned that we’d started communicating more since she picked up her mail from the lawyer? There’s been talks of her moving back to California, but it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard that, so we’ll see.”

  “Is she staying with you when comes down from Vegas?” Josephine asked, sniffing the flowers I’d be eyeing since we arrived at the booth.

  “Of course not. You know I’m going into hiding soon, and Carmen will be more of a trigger than anything else. I just want to get through this weekend and on to the next. A lot has faded over the years, but I still find myself sporadically crying or talking to myself during this time of the year, I’m not trying to set her back. I get the impression she’s in a healthy place. She is going with me to see my dad next Monday though.”

  “Have you and Leiland talked about all of this? Like does he know everything?”

  “Yeah, he knows. I had it in the back of my mind to spend the upcoming days with Leiland and try to distract myself with his penis and kisses, but with him pretty much preparing to leave, I couldn’t put that burden on him. So I’m going to grind it out by myself.”

  “There’s no doubt in my head that you being left alone won’t fly with Leiland, but I’ll leave you be. I know how you get at this time of the year, and you always come out of it with your head high, so I won’t pry,” Jupiter pronounced before an eerie bout of uncomfortable silence engulfed our area. There was something she wasn’t saying.

  “Look, I know I’ve asked enough times, but are you sure you’re okay with the engagement party being held that day? Latif wasn’t thinking, he was trying to surprise me, and that was the only day he could book the venue.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. It’ll probably help to be around family. Saturday is your special day, and I don’t want you worrying about my terrors.”

  Paying the merchant, we gathered our bags and headed in the direction of the parking lot.

  “OK. Ladies, my car is on the other side of the lot, so this is where we depart,” Jo said before giving goodbye kisses. “Billie, I’ll see you Saturday, and you call me if you need some company,” she added before walking away.

  Looping her arm around mine, Jupiter stared at me with a serious face.

  “You’re really going to see him, huh?”

  “Yeah. I guess. The meeting with the investor went to shit.”

  She stopped walking abruptly, almost causing me to trip over my own feet.

  “What? The lady Teal hooked you up with?”

  “Yep. Her kid was a son of a bitch, so I couldn’t rock with her,” I told her smugly.

  With her face scrunched up questioning my explanation.

  “Another day. Please don’t make me relive it that fiasco. But due to that unfortunate event, I now have to either take this money from Mrs. Brice or work another twenty years at The Park and save the rest of what I need. There’s a part of me that can’t just take the check and bounce when Efron is asking me to meet with him. I mean, Carmen isn’t even his daughter and she was able to put her pride to the side and meet, so I have to do the same.”

  Grinning, Ju rubbed my cheek. “I’m proud of you, BG.”

  “Me too, Ju baby. Me too,” I said, letting my ego speak.

  Billie

  Leiland is going to kick my ass.

  The hectic thought sat quivering in the corner of my mind as I prepared myself in the parking lot of Norman’s Journey, a museum in downtown Los Angeles. Jupiter and Latif rented the space for their engagement party. Ju loves art, so I knew it was more of her doing.

  Two hours late and faded off my ass, I was ashamed to show my face this late after everything had already begun. Between Leiland and Ju, I couldn’t tell you who called more times questioning my whereabouts. But I promised I was coming, and it was important for me to keep my word.

  Jupiter had more than once suggested a different date for her engagement party, but I repeatedly dismissed the idea. How fucking selfish would I be to have her rearrange her life to accommodate me? Even more than she has over the years already? I couldn’t do it.

  I’m a big girl and had to deal with my demons without hiding in other people’s closets just as Pappy preached.

  I thought eventually the emptiness from my loss would become manageable, but I was wrong.

  Relief was the furthest thing away from me, considering I’d picked up my check from my grandmother’s lawyer a few days ago. Shaking fingers couldn’t be controlled as I’d signed the paperwork to release my money. I felt like I’d betrayed my mother for cash, and I’d let my dream become bigger than her memory.

  Anniversary memories were in full swing, and even the whiskey I sipped on while getting dressed hadn’t calmed the memories in my head. Today marked fifteen years since my mother had been murdered in my presence, and every time I blinked, I saw a still shot of that night; still walking around like a zombie with the same confused thoughts I had at eleven years old. But I had to step out of myself today. This was important to my Jupiter, so I had to be present, if only physically.

  Unscrewing my flask filled with whiskey and Red Bull, I took a shot. Dangerous mixture I know, but I didn’t give a fuck.

  I preferred to be in my bed with the blinds and my mind shutdown. But I knew I wouldn’t make it through the night without someone popping up at my apartment because my silence caused them to fear the worst. Leiland had already tried it twice, but I knew from the voicemail the next time wouldn’t go over as well as before.

  Fire was under my ass when he FaceTimed asking if I needed him to come get me today. And I’m not talking about that gentlemen shit either. More like, Get your ass here before I come get you.

  Those were actually his words verbatim. Knowing him, the warning was more of a promise, and I wasn’t in the mood to challenge his threat. Carmen would be enough to deal with. We had never been the closest, especially after she moved away. But with her being in town, I knew my distance wouldn’t be coo’ with her.

  Fluffing my overly-big, feathered hair that I’d added a few clip ins into, I used my index finger to smooth my hair on the top before adding my rose flower crown. Applying more Crimson Crush to my lips, I couldn’t contain my smile while looking at myself. The resemblance to my mother was undeniable. And it hurt that the realization caused me to remove my eyes from the rearview mirror. It hurt to look at us.

  “Should’ve stayed my ass at home,” I said, gazing up at the stars through my sunroof.

  That was something else that got on my nerves, talking to my damn self. Sitting around my apartment crying and taking my frustrations out on walls I was only renting. Since Wednesday evening, after my meetup with Jupiter and Jo, I hadn’t left my house for anything besides work and to see the lawyer. And even with feelings of loneliness, I still wasn’t in the mood for company. As much as I thought of my love, I couldn’t allow him to see me act straight maniacal and delusional. If it’s not random crying, I’m moody as hell out of irritation from my childhood memories.

  There was a time I had been standing in my kitchen frying chicken, and a light tapping sound caught my attention over the rumbling of grease. Though subtle, it triggered the memory of me walking down the hall towards my parents’ room. My psyche could get pretty hectic, but thankfully, the worst of it was only experienced once a year, and luckily, my family supported that.

/>   Leiland hadn’t gotten the memo, or maybe he just hadn’t fucking read it.

  I’d been dodging him for a few days. I let him know I was alive but no communication other than that. Hypocritical shit, I will admit, and I felt fucked up for it. When he pulled the same stunt, I flipped.

  The pit of my stomach felt empty even when I had eaten, and even apart, I could feel whatever had him pulling away from me, but in my own head, this was different. He may or may not agree, but I didn’t leave much room for a difference of opinion. I wouldn’t allow him to discredit my feelings simply because he didn’t agree with them.

  Guess the same could be said for me, right?

  Between the flowers being dropped off every day and unwelcomed visits, I started to sprint to the shoulder he was offering to cry on.

  In my heart I knew it was sincere and genuine. He would have to be a monster to not offer love during this time. But my experience argued he wanted something in exchange for his compassion. It made no logical sense considering he hadn’t asked anything of me except respect but had given more than that. Our differences were minimal, but he was willing to move at the speed of a snail in order to consume me emotionally and sexually, and that meant the world to me. Mainly, due to my belief I’d end up a lonely little lady and as hard as I pushed for seclusion, I was grateful things wouldn’t play out that way.

  None of my bipolar behavior minimized how much I missed Mr. Greyson. And though in a funk and dealing with I’m sure some level of PTSD, I couldn’t wait to see his face. I knew he’d be decked out in some tux that fit his wide shoulders and long body to the nines.

  In the haze of my eidetic memory, his presence was persistent. Even through the painful recalls of my mother dancing around in my head, Leiland stayed present. The night we made love, the first time I straddled the back of his bike, and the time I whipped his ass in cards, all moments of comfort hovered in my brain. Those prints kept me from checking myself into the mental institution I’d visited in the past to make it through this day. Whether he knew it or not, Leiland was helping me through the anniversary from hell.

  As if on cue, my phone rang. I slid the green answer button to the right but didn’t say anything, just listened. Soft jazz could be heard in the background and slight mumbling in the distance.

  “Really, Billie?”

  Clearing my throat, I tried to cover an unavoidable slur. After hours of drinking there was no way, I wasn’t talking with a melody. “I’m here, Mr. Greyson. Is that not good enough?”

  Leiland was never one to raise his voice, even when upset. But the bass in his voice couldn’t be missed.

  “You’re not here. Outside isn’t here. Hell, mentally you’re a goner.”

  “And you’ve concluded all of this from me answering the phone?” I replied, being a smart ass.

  “I know this because I know you. The party started hours ago, and you’re still sitting in your car. You can’t avoid me forever. Our situation won’t go away just because you’re running.”

  Sulking deeper in my seat, I smash my curls against the driver’s seat.

  “If you know me so well, you’d you know my distance has nothing to do with you, Leiland.”

  “Do you think I’m oblivious?” he asked curiously, sort of hurt at what I was implying. “You are the most important person in my life. Do you honestly believe I don’t know what today means? It’s the day a good girl turned bad. But I also know you’re using that as an excuse to avoid what’s happening between us. There’s been a shift, and I don’t fuckin’ like it. Jupiter is practically your sister, and you’re late as hell to an important event in her life. Do better, Billie.”

  “Can I come in now? So you can piss me off in person.”

  “Indeed,” he responded before hanging up on me.

  Taking a few deep breaths, I got out the car and prepared myself for any bullshit.

  Moving slow as molasses, I stumbled only enough for me to notice upon entering the venue.

  The place was fancy as hell, but I’d expected nothing less coming from Jupiter. Beautiful crystals hung from the ceiling. Its reflection bouncing from the glass windows then landing on the floors. Walking through the lobby, I didn’t see many familiar faces, and I was grateful. I wanted to hit my drink again before I went into the private room. Following the beautifully handwritten banner that directed me to the Jupiter and Latif’s area, I put on my mask and my strut.

  It was bad enough I couldn’t control my whiskey hiccups, and now, I had to entertain the boujee.

  Quickly removing the flask from my shoulder clutch, I gulped a mouthful.

  “Now, is that gonna make you feel better, Billie Grace?” Damn near choking, I turned around to face Pappy.

  “Good Lord! You almost gave me a heart attack.”

  Shaking his head in disappointment, his eyes ran over my face and outfit. I did the same, admiring his blueberry-colored Ralph Lauren suit. He shined like a new penny, and his gray hair was shorter than usual. I’m was sure Ju had put it all together.

  “May not be a permanent fix, but it’ll do Pappy. I’m not hurting anyone. What are you doing out here anyway? Going to sneak a cigarette?” I asked, getting closer for a hug. I hated that he’d caught me sipping my memories away.

  “I know today is hard for you and yo’ sister. You ‘specially. But you cannot drown in that brown liquid. Ain’t no life vest in that bottle, Billie Grace.”

  I didn’t mention how he ignored the cigarette comment. Over the last three months, he’d been having trouble breathing, the last thing he needed was a Newport.

  Releasing him from our embrace, I watched him survey my appearance. I was one drink away from being drunk, but I put myself together nice.

  “Pappy, please stop talking to me like I’m a drunk. You know me better than that. I love you, and I’m fine,” I assured him. Making sure to walk off before he went on a rant.

  “You can do this,” I said, fingering the strap on my black, ankle-length halter dress. “You don’t have to stay all night. Just enough to take a few pictures and bounce.”

  I was seriously coaching myself. I didn’t want to embarrass myself or my family. Being this late was bad enough. Jupiter was like my sister, but even she couldn’t understand what I was experiencing, and hearing someone say they did would set me off. The marble floors colliding against my fire-red Steve Madden pumps had warned me right off the bat that my drunk, ratchet behavior would not be acceptable.

  “Well, look who finally decides to grace us with her presence,” Eleven announced as I walked in.

  “Not today, Satan,” I said, mushing her perfectly made-up face and not bothering to sign the guest book next to the entrance. I could feel her fake eyelashes flap against my palm. Should’ve snatched it off, but instead, I pulled her drink along with me.

  So much for no ratchet behavior.

  “Bitch!” she shouted, but I didn’t bother turning around. Throwing the dark drink back, I embraced the burning sensation that flowed and settled in my stomach.

  For the most part, the party on the dance floor was in full effect. In the center of the showroom were five dinner tables, each seating six guests. Right off the bat, I knew the DJ was official. Playing music for both the older and younger crowd, I felt the vibe as I roamed around the outskirts of the room. Beautifully clad in all-white, Jupiter did a Jamaican dirty whine on her husband-to-be across the custom-made dance floor. Looking around the room, I saw everyone except the person I was searching for.

  My senses were piqued at the feeling of wet lips on my flesh. Immediately, the whiff of peppermint played with my nose.

  “I should be upset with you. But with the way your body looks in that dress, I’m quickly forgetting.” His deep voice trembled through my ear competing with the Blackstreet joint that played in the museum.

  Feeling the music in my toes reminded me of the pill I’d popped earlier. I could feel the heat dancing on my skin and with Leiland dressed in a maroon tux, complimented by a black
shirt and matching shoes, my pussy was pulsating. My body was enjoying the feeling of my head floating and my body concrete.

  Don’t get it twisted, I’m not pillhead. But tonight I wanted to feel good and forget, F you if you judge me.

  “Well, if that’s a compliment, thank you,” I said, turning to face him. Displeasure registered on Leiland’s face as the smell of whiskey clouded the small between us. I was paranoid he would be able to see that I was swimming from something other than weed.

  “I already know what you’re thinking. And before you start judging—”

  “I’ve never judged you.”

  Rolling my eyes up to the historical art on the ceiling, I was offended that he’d lie.

  “Like I said, before you start judging me, please understand I’ve only had two drinks.”

  Multiply that by two.

  Mute was on tune, and I felt something I hadn’t in months since dating Leiland, uncomfortable.

  He caressed the side of my face tenderly like he knew I needed to be touched. I closed my eyes upon contact, and I stayed that way until I feel him guide me to a corner in the room.

  “Billie Grace, you’re an adult. Stop explaining yourself because you assume you know what I’m thinking. I’ve never hovered over you watching how much you drink, and I won’t start now. Stop being combative.” He paused his rant. “I love you. You know that right? Whatever you’re going through, I feel it. Stop pushing me away.”

  Straightening my posture, I snapped, “Bullshit. What I’m feeling, you’ve never felt. Stop trying to relate. It happens for everybody, so don’t rush this type of pain. It was good seeing you, and you look damn good in that suit, but if you’re not inviting me to have a quickie in that fancy, marble bathroom over there, there’s really nothing for us to talk about. I don’t want to lean on you. I’m already dependent enough, and with you leaving, that shit won’t do me any good. I’m going to find my cousin,”

  “Billie,” he called out to me as I stormed away. I heard him, but I didn’t want to listen to his sweet shit, he was leaving so all that was pointless.