Ray of Life

by E. L. Todd

  “Oh…” He nodded slowly, his jaw suddenly becoming tense.

  I knew this would make Nathan uncomfortable, but I’d rather be transparent than mysterious. “We agreed that we seriously liked each other, but it would never work out. He’s still into his ex, and I’m still into you…” I didn’t feel uncomfortable because Nathan already knew how I felt. In fact, he knew I was still in love with him. “So we decided it was best to just stay friends. Our hearts aren’t in the right place. But, I’m pretty bummed out about it.”

  “Sounds like you really liked him.”

  “I did…I do.” Ryker was a great guy—one of a kind. “But he says he can never give me what I deserve, something serious. And I don’t want to be with him when I’m not over you. Not fair to him…not fair to me.”

  “Makes sense.” He massaged his knuckles on the table, a habit he used to do when he was anxious. “Does that mean you’re going to give me a chance?”

  I hadn’t mentioned that part just yet. I didn’t want to come out and say it. For some reason, I found it difficult. “I’m open to the idea.” It would be stupid to lay out all my cards on the table for him to see.

  His mouth slowly rose into a smile. “That’s great…really.” He swallowed hard when he lost his voice. “I won’t mess this up again. Promise.”

  I couldn’t believe I was sitting across from him after he cheated on me. He betrayed my trust and broke my heart. I’d never been the same since that horrible day I walked in on him with Lily. But now I was sitting across from him, butterflies still in my stomach. Any sane person would say this was a mistake, and he didn’t deserve a second chance. But my heart disagreed. “I’m ready for some ice cream. Are you?”

  He still wore that giant grin, the happiness reaching his eyes. “Absolutely.”

  I was waiting for Ryker to walk inside the bar, my stomach all tied up in knots, when Jared walked in.

  “Hey, stranger.” He gave me a one-arm hug before he sat on the stool beside me. “What brings you here?”

  I held up my bottle. “The beer and fries.”

  “Ah, should have known.” He waved down the bartender and ordered a beer before he turned back to me. “Trying to pick up another boy toy? I thought you already had two men snagged on your line?”

  “Now I have none, unfortunately.”

  “What happened with Ryker? You seemed to be into him.”

  I talked to Jared just the way I talked to Madeline, all my girly feelings out in the open. “He’s in love with some woman… I’m still in love with Nathan. It just didn’t work out. But we’re good friends.”

  “That’s a shame,” he said. “He’s a cool guy.”

  “He is a cool guy.”

  “You know I’m not a fan of Nathan.” Jared covered his brooding look with a drink from his beer.

  “You wouldn’t be the only one.” None of the girls liked him either. Nathan would really have to bust his ass to change their minds. “I’m not even sure if Nathan is gonna be around. We’re just…taking it slow. We hang out here and there, but there’s nothing physical going on.”

  “For now,” he said. “He’ll make his move shortly. I just hope you know what you’re doing. Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

  “I don’t think that’s totally true. We all make mistakes.”

  “Well, that was a pretty big mistake,” he snapped. “You guys were gonna get married, as in, spend the rest of your lives together. And then he pulled that shit. I love you, Austen, but you’re better than this. Don’t you want your husband to be the guy you trust above anyone else?”

  Ryker’s face came into my mind. He was honest to a fault.

  “I didn’t say I was gonna marry the guy. Again, we’re taking things slow.”

  “You know, if you really put yourself back on the market, you could get a pretty incredible guy. You don’t have to give Nathan another chance.”

  I knew Jared would give me his two cents until I shut him up. “I get that, Jared. But the way I feel about Nathan is the way you feel about Madeline.”

  The instant I called him out on his true feelings, he fell silent.

  “I can’t help it,” I said quietly. “I wish I could just forget about him and move on with my life. But in the past three years, I haven’t been successful—at all. I still think about him, dream about him. And Ryker said if I feel this strongly about him, I should try to make it work. Because love like that doesn’t happen very often.”

  “I guess he’s talking from experience?”

  I nodded.

  “I’m sorry I was so harsh before. I just love you, Austen. I want you to be with a guy who only makes you smile, you know? I meant well.”

  I rubbed his arm. “I know you did.”

  “I didn’t realize I was being so obvious about Maddie…”

  I nodded.

  “Does she know?”

  “No.”

  He took a longer drink of his beer this time, nearly finishing it off. “Your brother is a nice guy, but I really hate him.”

  I chuckled. “I’ve heard that before.”

  “I should have done something sooner. But now it’s too late.”

  This conversation was a conflict of interest since Liam was my brother. It was obvious how much he liked Maddie. But Jared was one of my best friends, and I wanted him to be happy. “I don’t know what to say. I would tell you to go for her, but she does seem pretty into Liam.”

  “That’s what I feared.” He finished his beer then waved down the bartender for another even though we’d only been sitting there for ten minutes.

  “Sorry, Jared.”

  He clinked his beer against mine. “I’m sorry too. All those happy endings people told us about when we were kids were bullshit. You don’t just fall in love with someone and that’s the end of the story. Love stinks.”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  Jared and I fell into comfortable silence as we watched the game, each of us drowning in the beer that was shoved down our throats.

  “Hope you saved me some.” Ryker appeared on the other side of me, looking handsome in a black t-shirt. His eyes smiled when he looked at me, like he’d missed me all week.

  “I couldn’t drink everything in this bar if I tried.”

  “But you could eat all the fries, that’s for sure.” He gave me a gentle poke in the side before he waved down the bartender. It was a pretty blonde now, and she didn’t waste any time getting him what he needed. “The lady and I will split an order of garlic fries too.”

  Her smile fell once she assumed Ryker was with me. “Coming right up.”

  Ryker waved to Jared. “Hey, man. You came out to watch the game.”

  “Ran into Austen by coincidence,” Jared said. “I’m just lucky like that.”

  The three of us enjoyed the game as friends, accepting the comfortable silence as our eyes were glued to the TV. Only when commercials were on did we make conversation, and we mostly stuck to the topic of sports.

  At the end of the game when the score was determined, Ryker mentioned Nathan. “So, have you guys been hanging out?”

  I didn’t know why he tortured himself with the question. I didn’t want to know about the bimbos he’d picked up during the week. “We went out for Chinese food the other day. Then we got some ice cream. But that was about it.” I didn’t want Ryker to think I slept with Nathan when I didn’t.

  He tossed another fry into his mouth, probably so he would have something to do instead of just staring at me. “Is it going somewhere?”

  “I don’t know. We’re just taking it slow right now.”

  Ryker ate another fry, his eyes downcast. “Excuse me.” He walked around the corner and into the bathroom.

  Jared turned in his stool until he faced me. “He’s so into you. It’s obvious.”

  “I’m into him too.”

  “Wouldn’t you rather make it work with an honest guy like him than a cheater?”

  Absolutely. “But Ryker is in love wit
h someone else. I told you that.”

  “And you’re in love with Nathan. It’s perfect.”

  “Perfect how?” It was anything but perfect. Our feelings for each other were mostly lustful and artificial. That wasn’t how love was supposed to be.

  “Get over your exes together.”

  3

  Ryker

  My phone rang and my brother’s name appeared on the screen. “Hey, is COLLECT still standing?”

  “For the most part,” he said with a chuckle. “But I need some help, actually.”

  “Me doing all the paperwork isn’t enough help?” I was still handling almost everything from home. I took care of the consultants, the legal team, and all the other stuff that kept the company running.

  “It is,” he said. “But I was hoping you could come down and cover for me for a week.”

  “Cover for you?” I wasn’t going back to Seattle. No way. I already did that once and got my heart stomped on. That shit didn’t feel good. “You can’t go on a vacation right now. You’ve only been there for six months.”

  “It’s not a vacation. Believe me, I wish it were.”

  Now that my father had died of cancer, I took health more seriously. When someone was down, that’s what my thoughts immediately jumped to. “Everything alright, man?”

  “I’m having surgery in a few days. Getting my gall bladder removed. Nothing serious.”

  I leaned back into the sofa and let the relief seep out of my pores. “Scared me for a second.”

  “Nothing to be worried about. The doctor said I could go back to work two days after the surgery, but I’m gonna take it easy for the rest of the week. I’m sorry to drag you back here when you just left not too long ago, but I don’t trust anyone else to cover for me.”

  “It’s no problem,” I said quickly. “I’m happy to do it.” If my family needed me for anything, I was there. If he really was just taking a trip to Hawaii, that was a different story. But surgery was a perfectly acceptable excuse.

  “Thanks, man. Mom will be excited.”

  She’d be over the moon to see me again so soon. She still called me all the time. “Yeah, I know.”

  “Alright, talk to you later.”

  “See ya.”

  I hung up and tossed the phone on the couch. Now I had to return to the same city where Rae was living her happy life with that asshole Zeke. Okay, he wasn’t an asshole. Pretty stand-up guy, actually. But I would always be jealous of him. He had Rae in his bed every night while I had absolutely nothing here in New York.

  Well, I had Austen.

  Actually, I used to have Austen.

  Now I was alone.

  I considered telling Rae that I was stopping by. It’d be nice to see her again, to get dinner or something, but that was a disaster waiting to happen. I couldn’t sit across from her and not think about kissing her, fucking her, and doing all the things I used to do. It would put stress on her relationship with Zeke, which isn’t something I wanted to happen. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have fantasies about Rae and Zeke breaking up. Rae would come back to me and want to start over. But I always pushed those thoughts away because Rae would be heartbroken if she lost Zeke.

  I didn’t want her to be miserable.

  It was unlikely Rae and I would run into each other at work or anywhere else, so I was going to keep my visit a secret. If I stayed in my office, no one would know about it anyway. So everything would work out just fine.

  I hadn’t hooked up with anyone since Austen and I broke things off. I’d thought about it a few times, but after fooling around with Cheyenne, I realized it was a waste of time. Hooking up with strangers didn’t feel good anymore. It was meaningless and downright sad. The woman kept looking at me like I might be her future husband, and I could hardly remember her name.

  It was best to be alone.

  Maybe when enough time passed, I could meet a nice woman and start over. It was unlikely, but I could dream, right?

  When I pictured myself with someone long term, Austen’s face came to mind. Even when we weren’t screwing, we had a great time together. I could watch a game with her and devour a pack of beers at the same time. I couldn’t say that about many women—except Rae.

  But Austen wanted to be with Nathan.

  I accepted that. When Rae wanted to be with Zeke, I let her go. And now I would let Austen go too.

  Why the fuck did I have to be such a nice guy?

  I lay in bed with the lights off and looked out the window. The skyscrapers were bright against the night sky in the background, and distant blinking lights from planes and helicopters could be seen as they moved past my window.

  I couldn’t sleep, so I just watched the pretty lights, my sheets smelling like nothing since I just washed them. Loose strands of Austen’s hair were nowhere in sight. I couldn’t smell her scent anymore either.

  It was like she was never there at all.

  The thought of Austen made me horny. It was impossible not to get aroused when I thought about her beautiful hair and perfect lips. I’d have to be a robot not to get hard when I thought about that gorgeous woman.

  But my desire was mixed with sadness.

  I missed her. Not her pussy, her ass, and her tits.

  Just her.

  Like she knew I was thinking about her, she called. The phone lit up and vibrated on the nightstand with her name on the screen. My dick was hard under the sheets, but I didn’t feel guilty about it.

  I took the call. “Hey, sweetheart.” The nickname slipped out because I wasn’t thinking. But since she was calling me at nearly midnight, I figured this wasn’t a friendly phone call. Maybe she wanted some action. And if that’s what she wanted, I wasn’t going to say no.

  I’m only human.

  “Hey.” That soft voice came through the phone, melodic and comforting. She could be an actress if she wanted to. With those beautiful looks and that sexy voice, she would be unstoppable. “Am I calling too late?”

  “Never.”

  “You don’t have a guest over?”

  I found the question insulting when I shouldn’t. “Just me in this big bed…all alone.”

  “My bed is small, so I don’t feel quite as alone.”

  I assumed Nathan wasn’t there, but I was glad she’d confirmed it. “How was your week?” I hadn’t spoken to her since last Friday when we watched the game together. Jared was there, so I didn’t get the one-on-one time with her that I preferred.

  “Pretty uneventful.”

  I wondered what she did with Nathan. How often did she see him? Were they really hitting it off? I didn’t ask her anything because I always regretted doing it in the past. Due to my jealousy, I couldn’t be objective.

  “Yours?”

  “Same.”

  Silence stretched over the phone. I hated this distance between us. We missed each other but couldn’t do anything about it.

  “I’m going to Seattle on Sunday.” I didn’t have anything else interesting going on in my life. Just to break the silence, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “My brother is having surgery, so I’m taking over the office for him during the week.”

  “Oh…” Instead of asking a bunch of question, she seemed to be surprised.

  “He didn’t tell me until a few days ago. That’s why I didn’t mention it.”

  She finally found her voice. “Is he okay?”

  “It’s just a routine procedure. Nothing to be worried about. But, I agree he should stay home and get some rest. I don’t mind taking over for him.”

  Austen was quiet again, her discomfort obvious through her silence.

  “Everything alright, sweetheart?”

  “Yeah,” she said quickly.

  “Is there something you wanted to talk about?”

  “No. I just… Are you gonna see Rae?”

  Now I understood why there was such an abrupt change in conversation. Just the way I was uncomfortable when Nathan was mentioned, she felt the same way t
oward Rae. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

  “But doesn’t she work there?”

  “Yeah…but she works in the lab downstairs. I shouldn’t have any reason to cross her path.”

  Austen had no right to be upset, but it was obvious she was. “Sweetheart, what’s on your mind?”

  “Nothing. I guess I’m just surprised. That’s all.”

  “That I’m helping my brother?” I asked incredulously.

  “No,” she said quickly. “I just…never mind.”

  “No, tell me,” I pressed. I knew Austen well enough to understand something was wrong. She could hide her feelings from anyone else, but not me. Even through a phone, I could pick up on her emotions. That’s why our sex was so amazing. We were in tune with each other.

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Goddammit, Austen,” I said with a growl. “Just spit it out. You’re talking to me.”

  “I guess I’m jealous. That’s all.”

  At least I wasn’t alone. I got jealous too. “Nothing to be jealous of. Just going there for work. Nothing more.”

  “But you’re going to see her and fall for her all over again. Trust me, I know. I do it with Nathan all the time.”

  I couldn’t fall harder for Rae. The worst that could happen was that seeing Rae would prolong these feelings. As long as Zeke was in her life, my heart would never get its hopes up. “That’s not gonna happen. Like I said, I’m not gonna see her.”

  “Maybe…”

  We fell quiet again, sitting on the phone together but not speaking. The tension was still there, but there was nothing more to say about it. I’d never wanted someone so much that I couldn’t have. We were divided by so many obstacles. “I wish I never left New York. I wish I met you before I met her.” I didn’t like to look back with regret, but my relationship with Rae hurt me far more than it made me happy. Everything could have turned out differently if I didn’t fuck it up, but that didn’t change the way I felt.

  The softness had returned to her voice. “I know, Ryker. I wish I never met Nathan too.”