Ray of Life

by E. L. Todd

  The second I arrived in Seattle, I wanted to leave. It was cold, and it smelled like rain. It was nearly a hundred degrees in New York and painfully humid, but it felt like January on the other side of the country. I checked into my hotel and looked at the Space Needle from my bedroom window. I could see the same building from my old apartment and my old office.

  It was strange.

  Rae was probably at Zeke’s house right now with their two dogs. Since it was Sunday, the gang was probably watching sports and playing board games. If the pavement wasn’t so wet, they’d probably be playing ball at the courts.

  The nostalgia was powerful.

  I relaxed for the rest of the day before I woke up the following morning and went to work. I hadn’t worn a suit in forever, so it was even more uncomfortable than usual. The tie was tight around my throat, and my dress shoes were stiff and shiny unlike my Nikes.

  I walked into the building and couldn’t help but think of Rae. What if I did accidentally run into her? What would I say? How would she look? When I arrived at my office, it was exactly the same…but different. My brother changed the pictures on the wall, the stationary on the desk, and the computer, but he didn’t change the desk or the chair. When I spotted a picture of my father sitting on the corner, I shouldn’t have been surprised.

  I got down to work just the way I used to and was alarmed by how natural it was. I took phone calls like I owned the place and powered through annoying emails from different vendors. Time went by quickly, and I was relieved I would be out of there soon.

  Sometimes, my mind would drift back to Austen. I wondered what she was doing back at home. I was three hours behind her, so by the time I got off work, she would be sitting on the couch drinking a glass of wine—possibly with Nathan.

  I was just about to leave the office when someone stepped inside.

  Rae.

  She wore jeans and her old Nike sweatshirt. Her brown hair was pulled into a bun and she didn’t wear any makeup. She was just as thin as I remembered, her neck slender. There wasn’t a ring on her left finger, not that she would wear it to the lab. “Jen heard you were filling in, but I didn’t believe her…”

  I brushed off the encounter with a smile. “For once, the rumors are true.” I pulled my satchel over my shoulder and came around the desk. Instead of hugging her like a normal person, I stayed a few feet back. It didn’t feel right touching her, not after everything we’d been through—not when I felt like this. I vividly remembered the last time we slept together. She was depressed over Zeke, and it was just lustful sex. Now I understood how women felt when I used them to distract myself.

  I felt like shit.

  “That’s awesome.” Rae’s face lit up in that beautiful and natural way. She didn’t need to wear a skintight dress with makeup plastered all over her face to be beautiful. She had that natural look to her—just like Austen. “It’s so nice to see you.”

  Maybe for her it was. “I’m leaving at the end of the week. My brother will be good as new by then.”

  “That was sweet of you to fill in for him.”

  I shrugged then stepped toward the door. “I’ll see you later. Tell Safari I said hello.” Even though that dog hated every time I went over there.

  “Whoa, hold on.” She stepped in my way even though she didn’t have the size to block my path. “You wanna grab dinner or something? Everyone would love to see you.”

  I scoffed because that was so untrue it was hilarious. “Rex has made his feelings for me perfectly clear. And I don’t blame Zeke for hating me as well. After all, I did try to steal you from him.” I wasn’t going to sugarcoat what I did. I wanted Rae back so much I was willing to sabotage her current relationship—a dick move.

  “That’s all in the past.”

  If someone tried to take my woman away from me, I wouldn’t be quick to forget. “Rae, it’s okay. I’ve got a lot of friends in the city that I can hang with. Don’t worry about me.”

  “Who said anything about being worried?” she said. “Maybe I’m asking you to dinner because I actually want to talk to you? To hear about your life? I thought we were friends?” Once the hurt entered her voice, I actually felt bad.

  “Of course, we’re friends. But I don’t think Zeke would appreciate us spending time together.” I didn’t need to remind her what happened last time the pair of us had dinner. He caught our affection and assumed Rae was leaving him for good. But he got the picture completely wrong. “I don’t need to tell you that.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest, doing a pitiful job of looking menacing. “We don’t need to worry about him.”

  I raised an eyebrow, knowing I wouldn’t be okay with her having dinner with Zeke if our fate had turned out differently.

  “He has nothing to worry about—and he knows it.”

  We walked into Mega Shake, and I inhaled the familiar scent of greasy fries. Rae and I had been there a few times, and the food never disappointed. We ordered our meals then sat across from each other in one of the old booths.

  She sipped her milkshake, working hard to suck the heavy cream through the straw. Her cheeks hollowed, and her eyes focused on her straw.

  I couldn’t help but think of those excellent blow jobs she used to give me.

  Get your head out of the gutter, Ryker.

  She finally put the damn milkshake down and grabbed a handful of fries. “Does it feel weird being back at COLLECT?”

  “Actually, no. Feels exactly the same, like nothing has changed.”

  “That’s good.”

  “My brother didn’t do much redecorating. Must’ve liked my style.”

  “Or he’s just lazy like you,” she teased.

  “Yeah…that’s more likely.”

  She grabbed her burger with both hands and took a big bite.

  “How are Safari and Razor?”

  “Both good. Safari is showing Razor the ropes. You know, the best pee spots in the backyard and where to find the bones in the flower garden.”

  I chuckled when the mental image filled my head. “Sounds like a good pair of friends.”

  “Safari doesn’t pay much attention to me anymore,” she said with a shrug. “But that’s fine.”

  “Kids have to grow up sometime…”

  She kept stuffing her mouth without breaking her strike. Rae was one of the guys, but she was more beautiful than all the girls. “How’s life in New York?”

  “It’s okay.” Austen was my entire life there. She made me feel less alone in that city of seven million people. “I work out a lot and play a lot of video games. Pretty boring.”

  “If you told Rex that, he’d be jealous.”

  I finally ate a few fries.

  “So…” She set down her burger and leaned forward. “What’s up with Austen? Did you tell her how you feel?”

  “Actually, yes.”

  “And?” She leaned forward even more.

  “She’s still in love with her ex and is gonna give him another chance.”

  Rae’s jaw dropped and nearly hit the table. “Are you serious?”

  I shrugged and kept eating. “He’s the love of her life.”

  “Is this woman stupid?” she hissed. “You’re perfect, Ryker. Is she blind?”

  I wasn’t that perfect. If I were, Rae would have picked me.

  “You didn’t chase her?”

  “I can’t compete with a guy she was going to marry. I told her if she felt that strongly about him, she should give him another chance.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “So you let her go?”

  “What was I supposed to do?”

  “Fight for her, obviously.”

  It would have been an uphill battle. “I didn’t have anything better to offer her. If she picked me, she may have regretted it down the road. She deserves a man’s entire heart, not just a sliver of it.” Rae knew I was still in love with her. I didn’t need to remind her of that.

  “But this guy cheated on her.”

  “She
wants to give him another chance. That’s how I know she’s really into him.” Rae took back Zeke after what he did. Rae wasn’t the kind of woman to sweep something like that under the rug, but she loved him enough to forgive him. “It just wasn’t meant to be.”

  “Nothing is meant to be. Love is tough. You have to work at it.”

  I sipped my soda and grabbed more fries. “What’s new with the gang?”

  She wouldn’t let me change the subject. “Ryker, you do have a lot to offer this woman. I know you do.”

  “I don’t.” My heart was beating so fast just sitting across from Rae because she still got my blood pumping. Even in that old sweatshirt and a messy bun, I still thought she was beautiful. She was the first woman I ever loved. It would take me a long time to truly get over her. “That’s not how I want to start a new relationship. Maybe one day it’ll happen. But for now—”

  “For now, you have an incredible woman that wants you as much as you want her.”

  How many times did I have to say it? “She’s in love with her ex, Rae. And I’m in love with you. The timing simply isn’t right.”

  Rae did a great job of hiding her reaction. “How are you supposed to fall in love again if you keep living in the past?”

  “Maybe we should stop talking about this.” I knew she was passionate about it because she wanted me to be happy. If I was, she would be guilt-free and could stop worrying about me. “It’s not going to change anything.”

  Irritation crept into her features when she didn’t get her way, but she controlled her tongue. “Just think about it, Ryker.”

  “Noted.”

  “Because I remember the way you talked about her… She doesn’t seem like just any other girl.”

  She certainly wasn’t. Austen was beautiful, smart, and funny. She could rock my world better than any other woman I’d been with. There was always something I didn’t like about the women I went out with—but I didn’t have a single complaint about Austen. “She’s not.”

  Rae gave me a sad look, wanting to fix my relationship just as she fixed everyone in the gang. She was a woman that wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone like family. Nothing would make her happier than seeing me happy. That was just the kind of person she was.

  “How’s Zeke’s office going?” I didn’t care about Zeke at all, but I wanted to change the course of this conversation. So far, all we’d talked about was me and her dogs.

  “Good. His old assistant came back after maternity leave, and he’s really happy to have her back.”

  “She runs a tight ship around there?”

  “She’s just a great assistant. Zeke says he always gets off work on time when she’s around. But once he had to hire a temp, and he was always there an hour later than usual. He’s much happier now.”

  I could imagine. If I had Rae waiting at home for me, I’d sprint out of the office too. “And how are the two lovebirds?”

  “Rex and Kayden?” she asked with a chuckle. “Still shacked up together across the hall from my old apartment.”

  So Rae had moved in with Zeke. That’s what I figured. “I’m glad they’re still together.”

  “I think they’re gonna be together for a long time.” She crossed her fingers. “At least, I hope so.”

  “She’s made an honest man out of him?”

  Rae rolled her eyes. “She’s made a man out of him.”

  I chuckled. “Good for him.”

  “You wanna come by the house. Everyone is coming over for the game anyway.”

  That was the most hostile place I could think of. I definitely wouldn’t be welcome there. “Thanks for the invite, but I’ll pass.”

  “Oh, come on. What else are you going to do tonight?”

  I could always call up Monica. She seemed to be into me before I left. “Wild and crazy stuff.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I don’t believe that for a second. Please, come over.”

  That sounded like a stupid idea to me. “Rex and Zeke aren’t gonna be thrilled about that.”

  “They don’t have a problem with you, Ryker.”

  I laughed sarcastically because it was ridiculous. “Sure…”

  “They really don’t. I’ll prove it to you.”

  “How about you don’t?”

  She pointed her finger in my face. “You’re coming over, and that’s final. Hang out with us.”

  I used to be part of their little group. Honestly, I missed it. I had my own friends, but it wasn’t the same. We weren’t as close as Rae was with everyone else. “If you really think it’s a good idea…”

  Rae opened the door and walked inside. She was greeting by barking from both of her dogs and some incoherent acknowledgement from the living room. “Hey, guys. Look who I ran into.”

  Rex spoke from the living room, which couldn’t be seen from the entryway. “I hope it was the pizza guy because I’m starving.”

  Rae rolled her eyes and shut the door behind me. “Even better.”

  “The ice cream truck guy?” Rex asked with excitement.

  Kayden’s voice came next. “My boyfriend is an eight-year-old.”

  “Ooh…my lady is a pedophile,” Rex said. “Kinda kinky.”

  Safari looked up at me but didn’t seem to hate me like he used to. He wagged his tail then looked up at me with his tongue hanging out. Razor sniffed me, greeting me in a special dog way.

  Zeke walked from the living room and through the kitchen to the entryway. When his eyes settled on me, he couldn’t hide his surprise. He clearly hadn’t been expecting me at all. But he didn’t break his stride as he met me in the entryway. “Long time, no see.” He extended his hand with genuine welcome on his face.

  I hid my own surprise at his warm greeting and shook his hand. “Too long.”

  Rae smiled as she watched the exchange. “Ryker is filling in for his brother at the office. We got Mega Shake after work.”

  “Cool.” If Zeke was jealous, he didn’t show it. “You must miss that place.”

  “There’s one in Manhattan, actually.” There were only two in the country, and they both happened to be in cities that I frequented.

  “Cool,” he said. “I didn’t know that.” He wrapped his arm around Rae’s waist and gave her a kiss. “Bring me a milkshake?”

  “No,” she answered. “I was gonna split mine with you…but I drank it all.”

  He smiled in a genuine way, like everything she said was heartwarming to him. Without saying he loved her, his feelings were written all over his face. “That’s okay, baby. There’s always next time.”

  “Shit, it’s Ryker?” Rex whispered loudly from the living room.

  I could tell Rex hadn’t changed much.

  Kayden came into the kitchen first and greeted me with a hug. “Hey, are you enjoying the rain already?”

  I hugged her back, surprised by her niceness as well. “It’s a nice break from Manhattan. It was a hundred degrees and humid when I left.”

  “Yuck,” Kayden said. “Good thing you’re here.”

  Rex came next, his eyebrows raised because he couldn’t believe I was standing there. “Didn’t expect to see you again.”

  Before I left, it seemed like Rex hated me more than anyone else. He never forgave me for what I did to his sister. In my heart, I knew I couldn’t blame him. Rae was everything to him—even if he wouldn’t admit it. “Ditto.”

  Rae stared him down.

  Rex purposely ignored her.

  To my surprise, Zeke nudged him in the side. “Come on, man. Bury the hatchet.”

  In that moment, I knew Zeke deserved Rae more than I ever did. He was the better man, by far.

  Rex eyed his sister and Zeke before he dropped his hostility. He finally extended his hand. “It’s good to see you, man.”

  I took his hand and finally felt welcome in the house. I didn’t feel like the asshole that broke Rae’s heart. Now I was a friend, a member of the group that came and went. “You too, Rex.”

  I lay
in bed in my hotel room, thinking about texting Monica to see if she was still single. She was a good lay with a smoking body. It would be easy to get lost in her, to give in to the carnal passion a man and a woman could find in each other.

  But I knew I really wanted Austen.

  Now that I was alone, my thoughts turned back to her. I stared at my phone and waited for her to text me, even though I knew she never would. She was three hours ahead, so she fell asleep hours ago.

  Hopefully, she fell asleep alone.

  I knew I should leave her alone. I shouldn’t text her just to ease my own loneliness. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend. Like Rae could tell Kayden and Jessie anything, that was how I felt about Austen.

  I gave in to my weakness and sent her a message. Awake, Stone Cold?

  To my surprise, the dots lit up immediately. How’s Seattle?

  Cold. Wish you were here to keep me warm. It was a stupid thing to say, but I missed her. For some reason, being around Rae made me miss Austen even more. Rae had Zeke, and Austen was the closest thing I had to someone special.

  Wish you could bring me an ice cream to keep me cold.

  I chuckled, knowing exactly how hot it was there. I’d eat it before I got there.

  Then I would cry.

  The story wasn’t even real, and I somehow felt guilty. Then I’ll make sure I bring two.

  The three dots appeared immediately. We were typing so fast it seemed like the conversation was happening in real time. How was your day?

  Crappy. I had to work.

  Welcome to the real world. It sucks.

  I’m catching on.

  Did you see Rae?

  A felt a jolt of excitement surge through me when I recognized her jealousy. Actually, yeah. She heard I was in the building so she came by my office.

  Now the dots were gone.

  I tried to think of something to say to improve the conversation. I didn’t want to stop talking to her. Are you alone tonight?

  The dots came back. Yeah. Are you?

  It’s just you and me.

  I wished she was here and not on the other side of the country. She was seeing Nathan now, so I couldn’t hope for any more nights together. But it was still nice to pretend that it could happen…in my personal thoughts.