All My Love, Detrick

by Roberta Kagan

  Then once Hitler reached his vehicle, he turned back one final time; he raised both of his hands. A thunder of adoration followed. Then Hitler got into the back of his automobile, and he and his motorcade slowly drove down the street. The crowd continued to clap. The energy that had spread through the group took a long time to settle. For a long time the picnickers talked of hatred of Jews and loyalty to the Fuehrer who had done so much to restore Germany.

  While the horror of Hitler’s presence filled the air, Detrick had temporarily forgotten about the girl who wrapped herself around him. Her arm circled his neck, and now she lay her head against his arm. Somehow he must make it clear to the young lady that he had no intention of anything more than spending an afternoon lunching together.

  Across the street from the park at the candy store, Adelheid Mueller stared open mouthed in disbelief. Until he turned around she could not be certain, but the silhouette of the uniformed man certainly resembled Detrick. She bit into her chocolate bar and watched. Adelheid perceived that the blonde seemed very at ease in her affections with the SS officer, as if they knew each other well. It was crucial that Adelheid be certain of his identity. She crossed the street to have a better vantage point. There was no mistaking; it was Detrick. What would Leah think? So shocked she accidently dropped her candy, Adelhied turned and ran home.

  Chapter 103

  When Adelhied arrived at home, she rushed to her room and shut the door. It was bad enough that Detrick had rejected her for Leah, but now he had another girlfriend. If he was willing to date that blonde, then why not Adelheid? Was something wrong with her? Perhaps he found her unattractive. She’d always been impulsive, and now anger drove her to act. She raced up the stairs, risking exposure of the attic. With a heavy hand, she pushed the door open.

  Jacob sat across from the Rabbi, playing chess. Leah read a book. All three looked up as Adelheid entered.

  “Leah,” She was out of breath. “I must speak with you right away.”

  Leah put the book down and the two entered her bedroom.

  “I went to the candy store this afternoon and I saw Detrick. He was across the street at a picnic for the Nazi Party. Adolph Hitler was speaking”

  “I’m sure he was forced to go.”

  “That’s not the worst of it. He was with a girl. A pretty blonde girl. She was kissing him and he was holding her. I am only telling you this because we are friends.”

  Leah’s face turned to a colorless mask, her features hardened. “Are you sure, Adelheid?”

  “Yes, absolutely.”

  “I’m sorry, please, I would like to be alone.”

  Adelheid nodded understanding. Perhaps, Adelheid thought, Detrick had not shown her any interest because of Leah’s being in such close proximity. However, if Detrick and Leah ended their love affair, he might look at her differently. Then maybe, she hoped, he might see that they were both of the same blood, that they had a great deal in common, and in short were well suited for each other.

  Chapter 104

  That night, after the sun had set, Detrick arrived to find Leah in her room. After greeting Jacob and the rabbi, he knocked. When she did not answer, he became concerned and entered. Leah lay across her bed facing the wall. She did not turn to acknowledge him.

  “Sweetheart?” he whispered. “Are you feeling well?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “What is it? What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

  A heavy silence filled the room. When she finally answered, Leah’s voice cracked like ice.

  “I know where you were today, and I know what happened. What is it Detrick? Have you become bored with me? I don’t need your sympathy. Are you keeping up this façade because you feel sorry for us poor Jews? I’d rather go to a camp than suffer your pity. I know there is someone else.”

  “There is no one else Leah. There has never been anyone but you for me. Never. For God's sake, Leah, I risk my life for you everyday. If I wanted someone else, would I do that?”

  “I don’t know… I don’t know what you’re doing. You go out into the world, and I stay in here like an animal in the zoo and wait for you to visit me.”

  “It’s not like that Leah, not at all. I am doing all I can…believe me, please.”

  But she could not believe him. Her heart ached; what had he been doing kissing another girl?

  “Go Detrick, don’t come back to see me. If you want, just go ahead and report us; then you won’t have to do this any more.”

  “Have you gone mad? I would never report you. I love you.”

  “If you love me, respect my feelings and leave. And please, don’t come back.”

  Detrick was stunned. He felt lost and helpless; she would not listen.

  “Leah? Please….”

  “Go, Detrick; I beg you, go.”

  Detrick turned and walked out of Leah’s room, closing the door.

  “Detrick, what is it? What’s the matter?” Jacob asked.

  Detrick was unable to speak; he could not look at Jacob or the rabbi. He left the house, fighting back tears.

  Chapter 105

  Detrick continued to work and pay the Muehlers to assure the security of the attic for Jacob and Leah. He decided that he would continue to do all that he could, regardless of what had transpired between himself and Leah. But he adhered to Leah’s wishes, and when night arrived, he did not force his presence upon her. Instead he mourned the loss. Sleep eluded him. When he did finally fall asleep, in sheer exhaustion, he awoke in a short time covered in sweat and overflowing with anxiety. Food took on an odd, metallic flavor, and he could not eat. When he groomed his lush blond hair he found the comb full of fallen strands. Detrick missed Jacob; he wished he could talk to the man who he loved as a father. Jacob, wise, Jacob - he would know what to do. If only Detrick could ask him. His love for Leah obsessed him. With every cell in Detrick’s body, every drop of blood, and every beat of his heart, he longed for Leah. Alone in his bed at night, he could no longer suppress the tears. Had he lost her forever? If only she would allow him to explain. If only he could make her believe him.

  Chapter 106

  Jacob could not understand what had happened, he knew only, that something serious had taken place. The rabbi offered no speculation; only watched and wondered if Detrick would turn on them now that the love affair had gone sour. When Rabbi Stern discussed his concerns with Jacob, Jacob only shrugged. He never doubted Detrick’s loyalty, and assured the rabbi that Detrick would continue to do everything in his power to keep them safe.

  Leah refused to eat. She stayed in her room with the door shut most of the time. When Adelheid brought the kitten up to the attic one evening, Leah accepted the gift with a sad smile. Adelheid tried to press Leah for news of Detrick.

  “I cannot believe Detrick has not tried to come by.”

  “No, Adelhied, I sent him away, and Detrick won’t come back. Thanks so much; he’s a beautiful kitty.” Leah cradled the orange ball of fur.

  “You’ve lost a lot of weight.” Adelheid observed Leah, feeling less jealous, and almost sorry for the beautiful girl.

  “I suppose I have.”

  “Detrick must be seeing that girl that I saw him with.”

  “Yes, probably.”

  Chapter 107

  Konrad’s ambtions blinded him to Detrick’s depression. Instead, he felt elated that he and Detrick spent each day together. His interest in sexual discipline with women ceased; in fact, he lost interest in females entirely. Although Konrad enjoyed the power his position gave him over Detrick, he enjoyed his old friend's company even more. It felt good to him to know that, even though Detrick was undeniably more handsome then he, Konrad’s rank in the party gave him an edge. The dreams Konrad had had as a boy, of having sexual encounters with Detrick, returned. They came slowly at first, but then became nightly events. Following the sentiment of the party, he hated homosexuals, and fiercely denied his own desires. The dreams, he told himself, were merely childhood fascinations that had n
ot been erased. If he’d ever had a physical encounter with Detrick, Konrad was sure he would no longer experience the dreams. Then he would know for sure that he could only be heterosexual. However, his pride would never allow him to even broach the subject. Besides he feared Detrick would be appalled.

  Since Konrad’s promotion, Detrick’s job had also changed. Now, instead of doing office work, he acted mainly as Konrad’s driver. Konrad traveled, offering instruction in the use of the punch card machine. Detrick didn’t mind the open road. He loved rolling the windows of the automobile down and feeling the wind in his hair. But most of all, Detrick found relief in no longer being forced to witness the suffering of the Jews who were to be transported. Guilt that he could be more useful in helping to free victims at the transport station sometimes bothered Detrick. But he knew that, in his new job, there would be far less opportunity for his true motives to be discovered. Therefore, he would be less likely to risk those he cared for most.

  If his days were long, Detrick’s nights were longer. At the end of the month, he dutifully delivered the payment to Ebner Mueller. It had been six weeks since he’d been in the same house and so physically close to Leah. Although he could not see her, just knowing she was only a few feet away made his heart cry out. He yearned to race up the stairs and take her hands, look into her eyes, and hold her, even for just a moment. He could not go to her; she’d told him to never return. Perhaps she no longer loved him. And so, Detrick reached into his pocket and handed a roll of reichsmarks to Ebner. Then, with an ache in his chest, he left and returned home.

  From the picture window in the living room, Adelheid watched him go. She decided that next month when he came to pay her father she would go him and offer her sympathy. Perhaps if he felt he could lean on her, it would help to engage his affections.

  Chapter 108

  “Rabbi, I must risk leaving the safety of this house and go to the Nazi Headquarters to talk to Detrick. Leah is getting sick. She is so thin. I am worried.”

  “Jacob, I understand how you feel, but you must not go there. Remember, you are a Jew; you will end up on your way to a camp. All we can do is pray that he will return and, somehow, the two of them will work this thing out.”

  “You are a wise man, and I know that you are right, but if I don’t go soon, I am afraid of what will become of Leah.”

  “You mustn’t leave here, Jacob. If you do, you will not only put your daughter at risk, but you will also be endangering the entire Mueller family. May I make a suggestion?”

  “Of course, Rabbi.”

  “Go to Herr Mueller. Ask him to go to Detrick for you. Tell him to tell Detrick that you must see him. Even if he refuses to come to see Leah, he will come to you. And then you will have an opportunity to talk to him and see what you can do.”

  “Although I hate to impose on Herr Mueller, I think you’re right. Yes, it is the best way.”

  So, Jacob waited until the next time Ebner Mueller brought their food into the attic. It was three nights before he arrived, carrying a small bundle meant to keep the group fed for the remainder of the week.

  “Jacob, I brought what I could.”

  “Many thanks to you for everything, Herr Mueller.”

  “It’s not much, I know, but we must share the rations between all of us, and as you know, they don’t go very far.” Herr Mueller threw his hands in the air. “I am afraid to risk the black market, lest we bring suspicion upon ourselves. The very last thing we need is for the Nazis to start to take notice of us.”

  “True, yes. You’re right.” He hesitated for a moment, wondering how Ebner Mueller spent the extra reichsmarks that Detrick gave him for their food. Then, wiping the suspicion from his mind, Jacob asked, “Please, Herr Mueller, won’t you sit down?” Ebner Mueller sat at the chair by the small table “Now, I know how much you are doing for us, and I am grateful. So, please, never think I am unappreciative, but I must ask you for a favor.”

  “Go on.” Ebner Mueller raised one eyebrow.

  “You know Detrick, the boy who brought us here? Well…he works at the Nazi Headquarters. I know it is a lot to ask, but can you go and see him and tell him I must speak to him?”

  Ebner Mueller looked hesitant, as if some money should exchange hands when favors were involved. When Jacob realized that Ebner awaited a payment, he knew he had only one thing left of value. Jacob looked down at the gold ring on his hand. For a split second his mind drifted back to his day of his marriage when, standing beside Miriam, both of them young and filled with dreams, he’d stepped on the wine glass shattering it into a thousand pieces. Their guests yelled, “L’chaim!” The memory brought a smile to his lips. Then Jacob slipped the wedding band from his finger and handed it Mueller.

  “Take this, please; it’s twenty-four karat Italian gold.”

  Mueller nodded as his fingers closed around the ring. “I’ll do what I can.”

  Chapter 109

  After a week passed without a visit from any of the Muellers and no news of Detrick, Jacob decided he must speak to Leah. Until now, he’d been careful not to pry into her private life. Tapping softly on the door to Leah’s room, Jacob awaited an answer. When it did not come, he became alarmed.

  “Leah?”

  “Yes, Father?”

  “May I come in?” Jacob wiped the sweat from his brow with the handkerchief Miriam had given him for Hanukkah the year Karl, their first child, was born. She’d had it embroidered to read, "Jacob Abdenstern, husband and father."

  The kitten meowed as the door was opened. The light filtered into to the room, while tiny particles of dust floating in the air became visible. Other than caring for her pet, Leah had remained in the darkness, and unless he came out to eat or use his litter box, the kitten stayed at her side.

  Jacob sat at the foot of Leah’s small bed. “I don’t know how to begin. I can see that something happened between you and Detrick.”

  “Yes… Oh, Papa, I miss him so much.”

  Even in the dimmest of light, Jacob could see her tear-stained face was red and swollen.

  “I know. I miss him, too.”

  “But he doesn’t love me anymore. He has another girl. I should have expected it, Papa. How could he not lose interest? Look at me? I have no pretty clothes or lipstick; I can’t go with him to see a film or for a walk. There is no food for me to prepare a meal for him. All he can do is sit in this room with me and he just…well, he must have just gotten sick and tired of it. I can’t blame him. He’s young and so good looking. I’m sure the girls chase him all the time. Why would he want to continue something like this?”

  “Did he tell you this is how he feels?” Jacob looked at her, disbelief reflecting in his dark eyes.

  “No, not exactly. But I found out he was seen at a picnic where Hitler was giving a speech. He was with a girl…a blonde Aryan girl. Someone saw them kiss. Oh, Papa… What has become of us?”

  Jacob did not know what to believe or what to say; all he could offer were his arms and his shoulder. Leah cuddled against her father and wept.

  Chapter 110

  When Detrick returned from driving Konrad to an early breakfast, he found a note from Ebner Mueller waiting on his desk. It read:

  My friend,

  My wife and I would like to invite you to dinner on this Thursday evening, as you have always been such a good friend to Gaufid. Although Gaufid will not be present, as he is off fighting for the Fatherland, our two lovely daughters will be here. I believe that Adelheid is just a few years your junior. The two of you should have much to talk about. We look forward to seeing you.

  Ebner Mueller

  Detrick read the letter, then sat down at his desk. The letter lay open as Konrad walked by. When Konrad saw the handwritten note, he picked it up and read.

  “Well, well, my man…. Tthis is what happens when you put on a uniform. Everyone wants you as a potential husband for their daughters. Don’t get trapped.”

  Detrick forced himself to laugh. He was secretly w
orried that something had happened to Jacob or Leah, and that the letter had been written in code to bring him to the house.

  “You look so gloomy… You needn’t accept, you know.”

  “Yes, I realize that, but I will probably go….out of respect for Gaufid.”

  Konrad nodded. “Yes, after all, he is holding up the front, doing a great service to the Reich. And by the way, this afternoon I need you to drive me to a meeting, so have an early lunch so you will be available.”

  Chapter 111

  Two days until Thursday. Detrick counted the hours; he could hardly contain himself. He was filled with crippling emotions - worry that something had happened; and at the same time, consumed with the need to see Leah. The hours seemed endlesss while he was at work, and at night he sat staring out at the stars unable to rest. Dark purple rings formed beneath Detrick’s eyes. Konrad took notice and wondered if Detrick had begun staying out late, and with whom. Although Konrad wanted Detrick to feel the power behind being a member of the party, and to experience all of the advantages that it brought, he wished Detrick would spend his free time with him. For now, Konrad decided, he must be satisfied with having Detrick with him every day at work. Later, well… Who could say what could happen?

  Chapter 112

  Detrick found himself looking up at the large round clock on the wall so frequently that only five-minute intervals passed between each observation. Thursday morning remained uneventful, with Konrad caught up in a telephone dispute that Detrick had no interest in becoming involved in. Instead, his mind continued to drift through the possible scenarios he might find when he arrived at the Mueller’s home this evening. Perhaps Leah had asked to see him. Thoughts of her brought moments of elation. Then, icy fingers of dread ran up the back of his neck, and he prayed no ill had befallen Jacob or Leah. Another eight hours…now just another five… The entire day, he awaited the evening with longing, with anticipation, with fear.