Secrets or Surrender

by Mary Tribbey

  Chapter 24

  All afternoon Joan paced and wondered what she should do. More than anything, she wanted to go to Dave and confess her love and explain why she had to go away. Joan argued with herself. “If I go see him, I’m afraid I won’t be able to say goodbye. I need to give him the article and try to get him to understand. Later today, I will go to visit him. I’ll give him the article and try to encourage him and cheer him up. I don’t know what else I can do to help him without destroying myself,” Joan decided.

  Joan placed the copy of her article in a large manila envelope with a signed release form giving him all rights to publish the article whenever and wherever he chooses and relinquishing all her rights to money for its publication. Since she wasn’t sure how emotional or flustered she might get when she saw him, she also wrote a long letter to him explaining why she had to leave and telling him that she was in love with him, but couldn’t stay around knowing he was in love with someone else. She hoped to tell him verbally, but she included the letter just in case she wasn’t able to say it out loud;

  She showered, brushed her hair, applied her make-up, and drove to the hospital. Except for the VA hospital and the Children’s Hospital she went to with Dave, this was the first time she had been in a hospital since she had lost her baby. She shuddered as she entered the hospital building and caught a whiff of the sterile antiseptic smell. It brought back feelings of pain and guilt. She pushed those thoughts away and walked up to Room 217. She hesitated outside the door for a moment to pull her emotions together, and then she gently pulled it open.

  Lying in the bed across the room, she saw Dave, yet it didn’t really seem to be Dave. He was sunk down, almost as if he had collapsed into himself. He was facing the wall and didn’t turn to see who had entered his room. He either didn’t care or hadn’t heard the hinge creak when she pulled it open.

  She stepped inside, closed the door and waited a moment. Finally, she moved a few steps closer and whispered, “Dave, can you hear me? May I come in?”

  The body on the bed moved and Dave turned his head to look toward the door. “Is that you, Joan, or am I still dreaming?”

  Joan walked over to his bed and smiled shyly, “Yes, it’s me. How are you feeling?”

  Dave looked at her for a minute before he spoke. “I didn’t expect to see you here. I know you don’t go to hospitals. Why are you here? Did you want to see me at the lowest point in my life? Why didn’t you return my calls? Why have you pulled away? I thought you were my friend and that you cared about me as a person, but a friend wouldn’t treat another friend the way you’ve treated me. What did I do to hurt you and drive you away? How could you just leave without a word of explanation? All I did was love you,” he roared.

  “Please, Dave, settle down. You shouldn’t get upset, especially not right after surgery. I do care about you, more than you know. That’s why I came here now. I’m so sorry you got hurt again.”

  “I don’t want or need your pity. I don’t want pity from anyone, especially not from you,” he spat out.

  “I didn’t come here to pity you. You’re doing a good enough job of that yourself. I wanted to see you and give you the article. I finished it and wanted to give it to you. I don’t know if you’ll like it or not, but I did the best I could,” she said humbly.

  “I don’t care about the article. I don’t care about anything now. I just don’t understand how you could desert me and walk away without a word. I trusted you, Joan. I feel so hurt and deserted right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever play football again. It seems like everything I love has been taken away from me, and I don’t even know why,” he groaned.

  “I know you’re feeling hurt and scared. You are angry, and I can understand that. I swear to you that I never meant to hurt you. I care for you so much, Dave. I don’t want to say goodbye like this. I wanted us to always be friends. I never meant to hurt you. I’d never do that to you, but I guess some things cannot be changed. I hope you get well and play ball and find that special someone to love. You deserve the best”

  Dave turned his face to the wall so she wouldn’t see the tears running down his face. He wanted to make up, but he couldn’t get past the pain and fear in his heart.

  Joan put the envelope on the stand by his bed. She said in a broken voice. “Here’s your article. I’m giving it to you. You can do whatever you want with it. I don’t want any money for it. If I didn’t need the advance money right now, I’d give it all back, too. Maybe sometime later, I can return it to you. Thanks for trusting me to do the article. It meant a lot to me. So do you, Dave. Thanks for everything. I’ll pray for you to be healed and to have a happy life. Good bye, my very special friend,” she said and walked silently out of the room.

  For many minutes, Dave lay there and let the tears run down his face. When he heard the door open again, he quickly wiped the tears away and looked over to see Lyle and Cindy walk inside. They pushed the door shut and walked over to sit beside his bed.

  Cindy looked down and saw the envelope on the stand. She saw Dave’s red eyes and sighed. “Well, did you and Joan make up? I see she left you the article. What did you think about it? I thought it was wonderful.”

  “I didn’t read it. She gave it to me, but I really don’t care about reading it. I thought she was my friend, but I was mistaken. She never really cared about me!” he snapped.

  Cindy looked at him with anger in her eyes. “I never thought I’d ever say this to you, but, Dave Allen, you are a blind, stupid fool, if you really believe that! Did you just let her walk out of your life? She’s the sweetest girl who ever came into your life and she cares very much about you. She cares so much she’s leaving town to keep from hurting you anymore. Read her article and then tell me she doesn’t care! She loves you will all her heart. You are a fool to let her leave now when she’s hurting as much, maybe even more than you. Why don’t you read what this person who doesn’t care about you wrote?” Cindy dared as she stomped out of the room.

  Lyle shook his head, “Good grief, what was that all about? Cindy shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, not with you still hurt, but I have to agree with Cindy. I think she’s right about Joan. She’s got a good heart, and I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She’s in love with you. I thought you were smart enough to know that. Stop laying there feeling sorry for yourself and read the article. Cindy told me all about it. She’s in love with you. Cindy’s told me enough about Joan and her past to know that I would never let her leave me like this,” Lyle said as he left to find Cindy.

  Dave picked up the envelope and started reading the article. He read it slowly, savoring all the things she had included. He was touched by how well Joan had understood him, how she had captured his real feelings and understood his thoughts. She had blended in his football career facts and his personal relationships in such a way that he did not feel his privacy had been invaded. He felt her warm love speaking through each sentence. For the first time, he realized how much Joan understood and loved him.

  As he was trying to put the article back in the envelope, he noticed a couple of papers tucked inside. He scanned the Release of Publication Rights form and put it on the table. Finally, he pulled out a handwritten letter from Joan. His hand shook as he started to read it.

  “My Dearest Dave, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday for being such a coward. The weeks since we met have been the happiest time of my life. During that time I have fallen deeply in love with you. I will always cherish the memory of the week we spent traveling together. Loving you so much, I had to come and see you one last time before I moved away. My prayers and thoughts will always include you. I know you will get better soon and you will be back on the football field again. You are not a quitter. Whatever you choose to do, I know you will be successful. I truly hope you and the woman you are in love with will get together one day very soon, and that you bo
th will be happy. You are truly a wonderful person. You deserve to be happy. I wish I could explain my behavior, but I am afraid you would not understand and would reject me. I am too much of a coward to stay and face that. I cannot stand the thought of seeing disgust or disappointment in your eyes. I pray that you will always be healthy and happy. All my love to you, now and always. I will never forget you, I love you. Joan”

  Dave shook his head and re-read it. “I can’t believe it. She’s in love with me. Why did she pull away? What does she mean I hope you and the woman you love will get married and be very happy? I can’t wait until she comes back to see me so I can tell her how much I love her, too.”

  About this time, Lyle and Cindy walked back into the room. ”I’m sorry I yelled at you, Dave, but I can’t believe you let her walk away. She was so broken up when I talked to her. She didn’t really want to leave, but she couldn’t stand thinking about you being in love with someone else,” Cindy said.

  “I don’t know what you are talking about. She wrote something about that, too. What does it mean?” he asked.

  “She told me near the end of the week at your house, she was interviewing you and that you told her you had found the woman you wanted to marry, but she was involved with another man and didn’t love you the same way. Didn’t you say that, because that’s what she heard?” Cindy explained.

  “I was talking about her and this guy George Adkinson. There isn’t any other woman. The only woman I’ve ever really loved is Joan. When she comes back to visit, I’ll straighten this out. I’ve got to find her and make her understand that. You know how much I love playing football. Well, I could live without ever being able to play again, but the thought of living without Joan makes my life meaningless. What can I do? Is she coming back to see me again?” he asked desperately.

  “No, she’s quit her job, has packed her apartment, and is moving in a day or two. That’s what she told me. Last night when I talked to her, she wasn’t sure where she was going, but it was probably to another state. She said she was coming to give you the article and say goodbye,” Cindy cried.

  Cindy tried to call Joan’s cell phone, but it didn’t ring. Dave called her apartment phone, but a recording said it had been disconnected.

  “I don’t know where to start. I never did find out where she really lives. When I took her home, she got out at an apartment building where she had never lived. God, help me! How can I find her?” he moaned.

  Lyle took out his wallet and began pulling out all the little scraps of paper inside it. Finally he said, “I think I can help you find her.”

  “How? Did she give you her address?” Dave asked.

  “No, but the night she saved your life, I walked her to her car. After she drove away, I wrote down her license plate number. I have a buddy who works in the police department. He might be able to get her current address for me from the DMV files. Let me make a couple of phone calls,” Lyle said.

  Cindy came over and held Dave’s hand. “Don’t worry, we’ll find her some way!”