Love Without End

by Alyvia Paige

  “I’m not ready for tomorrow,” I whisper into Carter’s chest, as he pulls me tightly to him. I feel his sigh and know he is thinking the same thing. The clock reads nine, reaffirming that six am is going to come too soon.

  “I know Han, trust me, I know. But since you brought it up, where are you at, beautiful?” His voice is soothing, yet laced in an unknowing weariness.

  “Carter, it’s not that simple. My life is here now, and I love my work, my house. Granted if it wasn’t for the accident that ruined a part of me, a part of us and the settlement I received in exchange for daddy not pressing charges and making everything public and known, it wouldn’t be paid for. But it is, and I’m not leaving,” my voice cracks as I finish my thought, but he doesn’t react. He just holds me.

  “Hannah Grace, I’d never ask you to leave what you love or your escape. But will you allow me back in it for more than a few days? Hmm?” Tears begin falling from my lids at his words, always bending for me, but leaving me an out at the same time.

  I nod unable to speak afraid that I will say the wrong thing or maybe the wrong thing to say is the right thing. I don’t want him to leave, but I’ll never ask him to leave his life, family, friends. I refused to ask him to do that before, I sure as hell am not doing it now. That’s not me, I would hate that he could grow to resent me more so than letting him go.

  Her answer to my question, a simple nod, is enough to suffice for now. I still have to leave in less than nine hours, but at least I know there is a chance. I kiss the top of her head and rub her back, feeling the tears as they soak into my shirt until soft snoring replaces the broken breaths. She isn’t fooling me, she wants this as badly as I do, but I know she is far more terrified of me leaving tomorrow than she is letting on. The look in her eyes has changed from hurt and anger to love and acceptance. The change solidifies my efforts in pursuing what we once had.

  I cautiously lift her in my arms, careful not to wake her, and carry her to bed deciding I should pack up now as opposed to waiting until morning. Once my belongings are in my carry-on, I bring it downstairs to Hannah’s room, pull out my cell phone, and start my preparation for leaving. Once I have confirmed that everything is set and I verify my departure time, I crawl into bed and hold her, memorize her, and absorb every ounce of her that my senses can take in.

  “Always and forever, Hannah, our love without end.”

  The alarm clock is blaringly loud. I have only slept maybe an hour, but the lack of sleep was worth holding her in my arms. She stirs awake as I silence the buzzing that penetrated her peaceful sleep.

  “Hey you,” she croaks and touches her lips to mine.

  “Hey you, back,” I reply against her lips then press my forehead to hers to find tears pooling, threatening to tumble out. “It’s time to get up; we need to leave in a few minutes, beautiful.” I murmur and she nods sliding away from me.

  Within fifteen minutes, we are packed into Hannah’s SUV, me in the passenger seat, Brielle and Braydon half-asleep in the backseat. I take her right hand and interlock our fingers, and we ride the entire way to Palm Beach International Airport in content silence. Once we arrive, she pulls into short-term parking, shifts into park, and sighs before getting out.

  “Hannah, baby, it’s okay.” I kiss her softly once joined at the back of her Audi, waiting for Braydon and Brielle. Tossing my carry-on over my shoulder and pulling her into my side, I remind her of our talk last night. Then suggest, “how about we keep this as an ‘I’ll see you soon, you can come visit me, or I will come back and invade your home?’”

  “Carter, I – I never meant to hurt you.” she gulps before burying her face into my chest as we enter PBIA. I stop abruptly, grasp her face in my hands and kiss her gently, then nip at her lower lip until she grants me access to her succulent mouth. Our tongues entwine and my hands hold her face firmly to mine only breaking for air.

  “Hannah Grace, I love you, I never stopped. I’ll never stop. Remember that always, never doubt it. You are the one part of me I will never change.”

  “Me too,” is all she gets out before I crash my mouth into hers again.

  “Guys, I know this sucks, but the boys are going to miss their flight if they don’t get checked in and shit,” Brielle stammers.

  I pull back from Hannah, wipe her tears, and proceed the rest of the way into the airport holding her to my side as if my life depended on her support. Brielle and Braydon talk amongst themselves after we check in, but we don’t, we just hold each other. It’s nearly 5:30 and our flight departs in thirty minutes.

  “Hannah, listen to me, okay?” I look deeply into her tear stained caramel eyes. “I’m always here,” placing my hand over her heart, “I have never left, and I’m sure as hell not leaving now.” I take a deep breath fighting back the tears from forming. “When you go home, go into your bedroom, on your dresser is a box, open it and I’ll call you when I make it home, okay?”

  She nods and wipes the tears falling from my eyes, “I miss you already Carter Grayson, more than you can fathom.” Brielle comes behind her and nods to me. I hold her to me so tightly I can’t breathe, and she embraces me with the same emotion. I step back, kissing her one last time, then walk backwards to the security gate leaving her with Brielle’s arms wrapped around her in a bear hug fashion, tears pouring from her eyes as she waves with the opening and closing of her fingers.

  Braydon and I make it to the gate just before they closed off boarding; I look at my screen, take a deep breath at the image of Hannah peacefully sleeping in my arms, and power it off. He nudges my arm as we take our seats, and I nod back at him. No one but Hannah would understand what I just walked away from, because she did it a little over two years ago, albeit on different terms. I can only hope she follows through on her end this time, and doesn’t put the walls back up.

  My chest feels as if it is caving in, watching him walk away. I love him; I know I should have said it, but what then? I feel Brie wrap her arms around me as I cry violently after he passes where he could no longer see me, and thank fuck she’s holding me up or I’d have already collapsed onto the floor. After they announce last call for his flight, we slowly walk to the car. Brie takes the keys, knowing it’s not in our best interest for me to drive now and I sobbed the entire way home.

  “Brie, thank you for being here, going, and driving me home; feel free to stay or go,” I sniffle heading to the front door.

  “Of course I am here Banana, where else would I be? How many times have you held me together? You can break too, you know, you don’t have to be the strong one all the time.” Brie whispers into my hair as she hugs me tight before opening the door.

  “I just want to lie down,” I say as we walk into the house. It feels different, empty. I feel empty. I should have asked him to stay; I should have gone with him. I hate this, I hate feeling this all over again. I drag myself into the bedroom and immediately seek out the box he told me about. I hold it securely in my hands afraid of losing whatever holds the last piece of him here with me.

  I crawl into my bed and inhale his scent left on the pillows and cry until the tears seem to dry up. Taking a steadying breath I open the box, and pull out the bracelet of diamonds connecting cushion shaped amethyst stones. It is truly breathtaking, but what catches my eye is the small dangling heart that is engraved “Love Without End – Forever and Always.” I take multiple deep breaths trying to compose myself before I read the letter that sits in the box neatly folded with and infinity symbol drawn on the label. Removing the note, and unfolding it, the tears start to fall at his hand-written words.

  My beautiful Hannah,

  Boarding that plane today is the second hardest thing I will have ever done in my life. I can say that with certainty as I watch you while writing this. You are exquisite in every way possible, never doubt that Han. Never let someone take the light in your eyes away again. You’re my end and my beginning Hannah, my forever and my always. One day, you are going to wake up and remember why we were what we
were, and I’ll be here. When you left for Florida you took my heart with you, I felt so alive with you, a feeling that has been void since you left.

  The bracelet, I brought with me. I figured even if you rejected me, I’d get it to you. That’s to keep our miracle that was stolen from us with you always. I know you don’t remember it, and Hannah that is okay, in a way you are better off for so many reasons. The memory of you laying in that bed unconscious while bearing a burden no woman should ever have to bear, eats at me every day. I so badly wish I could have protected you better, kept you safe. I promised you that. I am sorry, beautiful girl. I will spend my life making it up to you if you let me. I need you to come home, Hannah, just for a few days, please make time. I need you to do this for me for our past to move forward.

  I will call you when I get home, please answer, even if you have nothing to say, just don’t shut me out. When you are ready, I’ll be there, and together we will make our future.

  I love you Hannah Grace with all that I am.

  Forever and always, love without end,

  Carter Grayson

  I pull his letter to my chest, the bracelet in my hand, and cry myself to sleep, waking to the ring of my cell phone. I reach for my nightstand, finding the noisemaker, and see the screen illuminate with Carter and my photo displayed. I swipe answer, and place the phone to my ear saying nothing.

  “Hey beautiful. Were you sleeping?”

  “Yeah, did you make it home?” I ask quietly.

  “I just walked into the apartment. Did you open the box?”

  “Mhmm,” I reply and start to sniffle as the tears start falling again.

  “I love you, Hannah.”

  Silence, that’s how the next fifteen minutes are spent, me listening to him breathe and him listening to me cry. He sounds tired and broken, the mirrored opposite of when he was here and that hurts more, I messed up again.

  “Thank you for everything Carter. I need to go now.” I whisper unsure of what else to say.

  “I love you, Hannah,” he says again a bit louder to make certain I heard him I am sure.

  “I love you, Carter,” I say through a distorted voice laced in tears, fear, and heartbreak ending the call.

  It’s dark by the time Brie knocks on the door, suggesting I eat. I climb out of bed, and drag my feet into the kitchen to see what we have.

  “Brielle, why do we have so many fucking bananas in this house?” I ask as I yawn and rub my swollen eyes. She looks at me smiles sadly; suddenly I regret the question, but pick one off the bunch and decide it’s better than nothing.

  “It’ll get better, Han, I promise,” she says as she hugs me. I lean into her embrace, I know she’s right, but fuck if I don’t want to just sleep until it really is better.

  “I know, Brie, I know. Hey listen, I was thinking of going home on a vacation. If you want to come, we can drive or fly, just let me know.” I give her a small smile and finish my banana before wandering upstairs to the media room to clean up the mess from last night. Flipping the lights on, I shake my head, it’s spotless and there’s another note taped to the perimeter of the TV. I pull it off and read it slowly with a smile so bright, I could light up the whole house.

  Hannah Banana,

  Did you really think I’d leave a messy room for you to relax in? I took the liberty of picking your next movie and yes you will cry most likely. That’s why you girls watch chick flicks right? Well, the Kleenex are ready, in my seat. You looked, didn’t you, silly woman. I’ve never lied to you. Now, sit down and enjoy the movie... the overall concept is the truth and is very fitting – the boy fiercely loves the girl, and will take all the time needed, giving her all the space she needs until they find their way back together. I’m a text or call away, I miss you already.

  Forever and always, I love you

  Preparing for work Monday was brutal, by mid-morning, I was getting by with not a smile or conversation unless it was pulled from me or initiated. Aside from receiving the massive bouquet of Dendrobium Orchids that were stem-dyed into vibrant hues of blues and purples, my day was rather uneventful. After my three o’clock meeting, I decided to call it a day, packing up my briefcase just as Chase walks through the door.

  “Han-nah,” he practically sings and plops into the chair opposite of me. “You need to snap out of this shit mood. I get you are sad, you look worse now than when we were interning together in the beginning. So, let me help.” I almost want to bitch smack the cocky grin off his face but just arch my brow for him to carry on. “Gym, tomorrow morning. YOU, are my new workout buddy and no, you cannot say no, so I will see you at 5:30.”

  “Chase, I am not getting up that early for you to oogle my goods while you pretend to “coach” me.” I grouch back while packing the last of my files into the appropriate compartment and zip the case up.

  “Listen, oh so confidently-sexy office partner,” he pauses and looks around knowing his ass is had, should anyone have heard him and decide to report his comment. “I am helping you, it’s a release. Trust me, I learned how to handle my emotions after my counselor suggested I start sorting them out at the gym when my adopted sister passed away and I started to help raise her son Isaac. You remember meeting Keelie during our internship, right? Also, trust me I know you aren’t available.” He gives me a wink, stands, and walks to the door. “5:30 tomorrow.”

  “Goodbye Chase.”

  Grabbing my over stuffed briefcase and closing my locked office door, I tell Ruthie to divert all my calls to voicemail and have an early afternoon off. Just before I turn to leave the floor, my cell phone starts to vibrate in my pocket; I quickly pull it out to see who it could be. I know my mom has a huge wedding she is catering, so there is no way it is her, and Brielle is in Miami at an event for the whole weekend. I smile ear to ear when I see ‘Carter FaceTime’ on my iPhone screen. Swiping the screen to initiate the call I smile into the camera screen.

  “Hey beautiful,” he smiles and gives me a wink. “Where are you?”

  I can’t help but laugh as he tries to distinguish where I am, so I push the rotate camera option and give him my viewing pleasures. “I’m leaving the office, this is where I work. Fancy right,” I flip the screen back to me. “Is that your hole in the wall office, Professor Jacobs?” I say with flirtation lingering in the air.

  “Your office looks different than what they show online, and yes this is my office.” He licks his lips and I’m instantly saddened that I am at work, in public, and not somewhere private where we can play a little game. “How was your day, baby?”

  “It was terrible,” I say laughing, “but better now. Chase is forcing me to work out with him because apparently I am scaring employees and clients. Hey listen, let me get home and comfortable, and I’ll call you back, okay?”

  “Uh – yeah what time?” His face is hesitant as he speaks; I know he must have something else going on or questioning my new workout partner but doesn’t want to blow me off or engage in the conversation while I am at work, so I go with it.

  “Like an hour...”

  “No, sorry, that doesn’t work for me, I will call you in two hours or so, so don’t fall asleep on me.” He says checking the time and laughs.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, taking the stairs so I don’t lose reception while chatting.

  “I’m leaving to help your mom set up the tables for an event, I promised her I would help like a month ago. I’m sorry babe; I’m a man of my word.” The gleam in his eye and the cocky smirk has me hot and bothered in seconds.

  “K, bye! I’ll talk to you later,” I say blowing him a kiss and ending the call.

  Carter holds his promise and calls a few hours later, which in all honesty works perfectly for me. I had time to get home, masturbate my previous frustration out, take a bubble bath, get some work done before making dinner, and relaxing with a glass of wine. Okay fine, it was two, but in my defense, Brielle is gone all weekend at an event in Miami. Waking up for work tomorrow is going to be one helluva ch
allenge.

  It’s been about two weeks since Carter went home. I still feel broken, but seeing him and talking to him helps tremendously. I hate to admit it, but the daily workouts help, too; Chase kicks my ass in the gym. Who knew that guy was so hardcore, but I love it. He helps keep me focused and when I begin to allow stress to build up, the release is phenomenal.

  My mom calls every morning to check on me, and Brielle tries to make it home early most nights when she isn’t catering to the rich and glorious in Palm Beach. Don’t get me wrong, I love them for trying to ensure I am alright, but I am not a piece of glass, I am not going to break and I swear to the good man above if Brie bursts into my room for me to try a new sauce during my late night Skype chat with Carter again I might kill her. Seriously, I should not have to lock the door to my bedroom in the house I own, but even when I do lock the door she yells, knocks, and whines until I respond, which frankly ruins the moment anyway.

  Today Brie is gone again and my parents are away on a partner’s trip for my father’s law business and I could really use some company. Just as I am wallowing in my self-pity my cell rings. “Hey babe,”

  “Hey Han, What’s up? Sorry for the late call, I just got home from the football game, but I didn’t want to not call. Did I wake you?” He is talking a mile a minute… holy fuck.

  “Carter, Christ relax, it’s okay. I wasn’t sleeping. Just blah – I have been feeling off for a few days, I’m sure it’s nothing, but at the same time, maybe it’s something. I’m sure I am just getting ready to have my lady fl-” I stop mid thought thinking of my regular cycle schedule. Hmm, that would have been…