Indelible Love - Emily's Story

by D. W. Cee

  “I need to be alone and figure out a few things. I’ll call as soon as I get home.”

  “Why don’t I fly out and meet you there. Let’s do that.”

  “Thanks, Sarah but I need to do this on my own.”

  Chapter 10 Visiting Mom and Dad

  Today was New Year’s Eve and having no one to turn to, I wanted to see my parents. As grateful as I was for Sarah’s friendship, I needed to be with family. After leaving the rental agency I drove all night eager to be with my parents. If timed perfectly I could be there by New Year’s Day and spend the New Years with them. That would give me just enough time to get back for school. This would be a great distraction from my sorry life.

  Struggling to smile, I tried not to think about the pain that lodged back into my heart. I wondered if Jake was worried about me right now. Would he call soon to reconcile? Or was he so angry he simply stopped caring?

  The drive through Arizona was a peaceful one. A bit windy at times but the serene setting was much needed and appreciated. To distract myself I marveled at the beauty and diversity of plant life. One would never find such huge cacti in Southern California but Arizona was filled with them at every turn. My stomach growled signaling that it was running on empty – a highly unusual occurrence for me. Jake and Max would have both laughed at this notion.

  I forced myself to think about everything but Jake. Unfortunately, when not thinking of Jake, my mind wandered to the confusion I’d caused with Max. What would I tell Max when I turned him down?

  Sigh!

  Thinking over all the fond memories created during college, there could be no other resolution than to tell Max that I loved him. But, no amorous love existed between us anymore. We loved each other like the five of us, Peter, Charlie, Sarah, Max and I loved each other – as the best of friends. Max and I would always love each other since we knew no other feeling when it came to one another. A passionate love that bonded a man and a woman to live happily with one another for the rest of their lives was not a part of us anymore. Ours was the kind of love family members shared. There was no set beginning and no direct course but it would always be there. I would always love Max, as a friend.

  Hopefully I could also convey that I had moved on and found a new and deeper love. One that made me feel joyful and content; safe and protected; one that I knew could be there forever. Why couldn’t I have mentioned this to Max in the morning? Just a few hours earlier and I could’ve avoided this chaos. My fiasco with Jake forced me to view life more objectively – finally with clarity.

  With Jake, I saw love in the future tense.

  With Max, I saw love in the past tense.

  I woke up New Year’s Day in a hotel in Texas after a long drive. A pinch of hope mixed with a cup of pessimism, I checked my phone to see if I had any missed calls from Jake. There were none. Too afraid to call, I texted Jake before visiting my parents.

  Happy New Year, Jake. I’m alone in Texas right now visiting my parents. My parents would have liked meeting you. You three would’ve gotten along well. I thought this new year would bring us closer together. I guess I botched up my own hope. My new hope is that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I would like to share with you what’s in my heart right now. Please call me.

  Soon after I sent the text, my phone rang and I nearly jumped out of bed thinking that Jake was responding.

  “Hello?” I answered without checking to see who was calling.

  “Hi Emily,” said a cheerful voice. “It’s me Jane.”

  “Hi Jane, how are you? Happy New Year.” Though it wasn’t Jake, my heart thrilled at the possibility of Jane calling on Jake’s behalf.

  “Happy New Year to you too. Where are you? Aren’t you going to the Chief's tailgate party? Everyone will be asking for you.”

  “Um, I’m in Texas right now visiting my parents’ grave. Have you talked to Jake?” Would she shed some light on his feelings towards me? I could only hope.

  “Yeah, I talked to him but he wouldn’t say much. He’s such as grouch and a loner when things don’t go his way. He’s a bit moody. I figured you two must have had a fight. I warned you he’s no fun when he’s mad.” Her words sounded so innocuous. Little did she know she and I would never become sisters.

  “Jane, please tell everyone I wish them a happy New Year and have a great time.”

  Before visiting my parents I stopped by the gift shop and purchased a new outfit as I’d lived in the same clothes for three days. I also picked up a bunch of yellow Gerber daisies my mom liked. The last time I was here was soon after Max and I broke up. I felt bad only coming to them when I was in need.

  With the flowers placed in a vase beside their graves my fingers quickly cleared away all the dried leaves that had blown onto them. Tears began trickling down my face and soon I couldn’t stop crying. I told them about my life since Max.

  Momma, Daddy. I’ve missed you! I’m a bit sad right now and I needed to talk to you so will you please hear me out for a while? I met a wonderful man two months ago. You both would have loved him. He’s been so kind to me. He took me on an amazing date up to San Francisco. Mom, remember how you used to say that I had a certain look on my face when I coveted something? Well, Jake also figured out this look and gave me what I coveted every time. He told me this look was wistful. I felt so loved by him.

  His family is also wonderful. Jake has a younger sister and a younger brother. His mom and dad invited me on their family trip and took me to Hawaii. I learned to scuba dive and got up once on a surf board. They treated me like a member of their family. I hadn’t felt like I was a part of any family since Dad died. When we got back from Hawaii Jake proposed to me, and stupidly I turned him down. I didn’t think I was ready.

  Yesterday, it all came to a terrible end. You remember Max, don’t you? Well he also proposed to me but I didn’t turn him down even though I don’t want to marry him. Jake saw everything that happened with Max, got mad and left me. Momma, he left me stranded at the Grand Canyon. For eight hours I waited for him. He never came back.

  Momma, what do I do when a boy breaks my heart this badly? You never taught me this lesson before you left. Why did you both have to leave me so early? I’m so lonely right now and there’s no one I can turn to. Maybe I was never meant to keep the love I find. Maybe anyone who’s ever loved me will leave me just like you both did. I’m sorry to come all the way over here and blame you for my woes but I’m really mad at the both of you. You’re up in heaven happy with one another while I’m down here miserable by myself.

  What was I doing? I snapped myself out of my childish tirade.

  I’m sorry, Mom and Dad. I’ll be okay. I’m sad now but don’t worry about me too much. You know I’m a survivor.”

  I cried on them till the sun went down.

  Though physically and emotionally exhausted from all the crying, I chose to fly back home tonight. Home provided stability and warmth and I desperately needed to be back in my own surroundings.

  My phone rang many times. No doubt, they were all calls from Sarah.

  “Hello?”

  “Emily, are you okay? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all yesterday and today. Why aren’t you picking up your calls? I’ve been worried about you.”

  “Hi Sarah. I’m sorry for worrying you. I saw my parents today and now I’m at the airport.”

  “When does your flight land in LA? I’ll come get you.”

  “I get in late. I’ll catch a cab home.”

  “Emily, who catches a cab in LA? Text me your flight information and I’ll pick you up.”

  “Ok, thanks. I’ll do that. See you soon. Bye.”

  I hung up the phone wondering when this sadness might leave me. Perhaps when I got home, Jake and I could resolve our problem and go back to loving each other again. Sadly I believed our time was done but with forced optimism I texted him even before sending Sarah my flight information.

  Hi Jake. I’m at the airport coming ho
me after visiting my parents. I’d hoped that you might have called by now – but you haven’t. I know I messed up our relationship but I’d really like to try and work it out with you. Please forgive me. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be right now. Believe me when I tell you I love you. Please call me.

  Before I hopped on the plane, I had one last call to make.

  “Hi Max.”

  “Em. Where are you? Sarah told me what happened. I’ve been worried sick about you. I’m so sorry I left you back in Arizona. Peter forced me back to LA and I had no idea that you were left stranded. What happened to Jake? How could he just leave you there?” Max’s caring voice turned to anger. “Emily Anne Logan, why didn’t you call me when you needed help?” He got even angrier.

  “Max, I’m okay. I’m on my way home right now. I was hoping we could talk sometime soon? You and I need to resolve our issues.”

  “Sure. I’d like to meet with you too.”

  “As soon as I get back, I’ll call you. Do you have a hectic school schedule this winter?”

  “Yeah. School’s going be hard but I’ll make time to talk with you. Em?”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you and I’m sorry for taking so long to get my act together.”

  “I know, Max. I know you’re sorry.”

  “Em?”

  “Yes, Max.”

  “I love you.”

  “I know that too. Bye.”

  It felt good to have a conversation without choking up. Letting any emotion overpower common sense would result in disaster for me. From now on, I needed to find strength in myself, and only myself.

  Chapter 11 Lost

  The flight back was pleasant and though I was tired I looked forward to opening up to my best friend. Sarah came over equipped to spend the night and go to work the next morning from my house. Her wrinkled forehead and pronounced frown demonstrated her own heartache and distress for me. Between hearing bits and pieces from Max and Peter it was my turn to fill in the blank. Whether or not I had the emotional capacity to tell the entire story, Sarah deserved to know the truth.

  After a late dinner, Sarah was ready to be my crying shoulder.

  “What happened? Start from the beginning when you and Max disappeared Saturday morning.”

  The entire story spanned from breakfast to Grand Canyon to the night we spent at the ranch.

  “Sarah, did you know that Max was going to propose to me?”

  “Yeah, I found out after he broke up with you. I figured it would do you no good to know this information since he was dating Jennifer.”

  “Did you also know that he was going to propose again?”

  “No. I think Peter was the only one who knew. Peter told me he tried really hard to convince him otherwise but Max wouldn’t listen. Max heard our conversation when we first got to Vegas and got nervous when he heard that Jake had proposed.”

  “I really messed up, Sarah. I don’t think Jake will ever speak to me again. He was so angry and hurt when he left.”

  “Explain to me how he can leave you stranded for eight hours. It doesn’t matter how upset he is, his actions were inexcusable.” Her clipped tone matched her anger.

  “I don’t know what happened exactly. I’m sure he wouldn’t have left me if he knew I would be alone… would he?” No, Jake would never do that to me - regardless of the reason. My chest felt the throbbing again.

  “So what are you going to do? How do you feel about both men?”

  “Max and I don’t have a future together. I’ll meet with him soon and let him know. I love him but not the same way he loves me.”

  “As for Jake, I’ve tried to contact him but he won’t respond. I don’t know what to do.”

  Sarah and I talked deep into the night and by the time I got up; she had left me breakfast and a kind note.

  Emily, regardless of what happens, I love you!

  Ready to start the new school year I jumped out of bed and mustered up every ounce of excitement. As a New Year’s resolution I decided I would not cry anymore and would work towards being a strong person. It was no man’s duty to take care of me. That would be my job alone. I had been on my own before and it was time to do this again.

  I also decided nothing was final with Jake. There was still hope he would come around. He was just taking a bit longer than usual to calm himself down. As soon as my resolution to be a stronger person was set, laughter followed as I texted Jake before leaving for school.

  Hi Jake. School starts for me today. I'm quite relieved to have twenty-four kids clutter my mind from now on. I see that you haven’t found it in your heart to forgive me yet. It makes me sad but I understand. I still have hope that your love for me will win over your anger towards me. I hope you are doing well. I miss you. I love you.

  First day back to school, it rained, the kids acted like goons and I wondered why I became a teacher. For the first time in a week, I didn’t check my phone twenty times in the morning to see if Jake had texted back and my mind was preoccupied with everyone else’s problems. My kids at school were the solution to my problems.

  Every day I came to school looking forward to new joys, new issues and a respite from my love life, or a lack thereof. I ignored calls from Jane and Max and concentrated my efforts on my kids. Of course the call I wouldn’t ignore never came. My day started at 6:30 am and didn’t end till after sundown. Throwing myself into work helped ease the hurt, somewhat. Sarah called daily to check up on me but every phone call only acknowledged the call that never came. Neither of us spoke his name. Sarah saw through my pretend bravado and tried to come over as often as possible. Since she lived and worked almost an hour away, the only way to discourage her was for me to stay at work even later. At least my students were the only beneficiaries of my pathetic life.

  My texts to Jake continued. I looked at it as a daily page in the diary. More than anything, I missed talking to him and it made me feel a little less lonely texting him – like I was still a part of his life.

  Of course the lack of response mocked my lonely heart.

  Hi Jake. How are you doing? I hope you are not working too hard. What a silly thing to say, of course you are working hard. I too have been working hard at school. Today was an ugly day as my student Jimmy got sick and threw up on me. It’s been a while since we last spoke. Wow, you can hold a grudge. I thought you might have responded by now. I know I hurt you and don’t have a right to say this, but I hurt, too, as you don’t respond to any of my messages. Please call.

  Today, I got another phone call from Jane. This time I chose not to ignore it. She had been patient enough. I didn’t want to run away from her just like Jake was running away from me.

  “Emily! Where have you been?” Jane asked in utter exasperation.

  “Jane. I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy with school,” I fibbed. She saw right through me even though we were on the phone.

  “Don’t lie to me. It’s because of Jake, huh? I finally got Jake to give me some answers and all I could figure out was that you two weren’t seeing each other anymore.”

  Heaven came crashing down. Tears automatically poured from my eyes. Jake had told his sister we were no longer together. Why hadn’t it occurred to me that we had broken up? Simple as that – we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. In my optimistic mind, we were still together, just working out a kink in the relationship. The tears continued in response to this truth - Jake no longer wanted me. That was why there had been no response to my texts. I felt stupid for realizing this so late. I sat quiet for a while.

  “Emily, I just emailed your plane ticket. You’re coming to see me this holiday weekend.”

  “Huh?”

  “Remember you promised to come spend the weekend with me? You promised!”

  Was it that time already?

  “Jane, I don’t think it's a good idea. Your brother will be there..."

  “No, he won’t” she cut me off. “I know for a fact that he’s worki
ng this weekend and I won’t tell him that you’re coming. Will you please come?”

  I did want to spend some time with Jane as she was my last link to Jake. It was wrong of me to do this but if Jake wouldn’t listen to me, I wanted to at least tell Jane everything that was in heart.

  “Are you still there, Emily?”

  “Yeah, I’m here. Jane, I’ll go if you promise not to tell your brother that I’ll be there not that he’ll care. As soon as I get home, I’ll buy a ticket.

  “Don’t be silly. This is the ticket my dad purchased for you back when you first said you’d visit. It’s yours. Only caveat, it’s a red eye early Friday morning.”

  “Alright, I’ll see you in a couple of days. Bye.”

  Excited to see Jane and to get some of this grief off my chest, my mind raced throughout the night wondering what to say first. I know I promised to be strong, and I had been. I hadn’t cried… much; nor wallowed in my sorrows… much; nor looked for texts that never came… much. But, I needed to vent. I’d ignored my hurt and frustration too long. Jane would be my shoulder to cry on this weekend and afterwards I would start the healing process. If Jake had closed me out of his life, I needed closure as well.

  Authoring one last text to Jake I promised myself not to bother him anymore. Obviously he was either irritated by me, ignoring me, or wasn’t receiving my texts because he changed his number to get away from the stalker who was me. It was probably all of the above.

  Hi Jake. I spoke with Jane a few days ago and she told me you said we were no longer seeing each other. I don’t know why it never occurred to me you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I sent all those texts thinking you still cared for me. I understand and I don’t blame you. I’m sorry I’ve continually bothered you. This will be my final text. I want to say I'm sorry one last time and ask you to forgive me. You have been nothing but kind and loving and I've only returned it with pain and uncertainty. I want you to know you are the only man I love. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Be well.