Indelible Love - Emily's Story

by D. W. Cee

  “Did you ever think to consult me about my feelings rather than break my heart? Didn’t you know how much I loved you and how your actions would devastate me?”

  “I should have done that. I was stupid for not discussing our future together. To this day, I regret not having worked this through with you. We’d probably be engaged, maybe even married by now if I hadn’t let pressure get to me.”

  “Did you feel that much pressure to figure out what you wanted to do? How come you never told me how stressed you were about your future? You always appeared so relaxed.”

  “Pressure mounted when I thought of it as our future. What if I never figured out what I wanted to do? What if I worked some 9-5 job I hated? What if I couldn’t support you or a family? I had so many doubts in my head, I kind of went crazy. During the entire ceremony I wrestled with questions that had no answers.”

  “Why didn’t you talk to me?” I asked quite frustrated.

  “Knowing the pain you’d been through with the loss of your parents, I thought you should be with someone who could provide a stable and secure future for you - emotionally and financially. I didn’t ever want you to suffer again. I didn’t know it back then but maybe that someone is Jake. That’s when I decided to let you go on with your life and I went on to figure out what to do with the rest of mine. You have to believe me when I say letting go of you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You were my world. I truly love you more than my own life,” he declared sadly.

  Odd that he used the word love in the present tense. It was probably a grammatical error.

  “Okay, assuming I believe everything you just told me, why Jennifer? Our break-up was hard enough without having to hear about you and another girl so soon. Did our four years mean that little to you where you could move on so easily and so quickly? Was I just some girl you had fun with and then tossed by the wayside?”

  “No, Em. I’m sorry you believed that. If breaking up with you was my biggest mistake, getting together with Jennifer was my second biggest mistake.” Max gently caressed my head and wiped away more of my tears. “Has Jake seen you this weepy or have you not had any reason to cry in front of him?” This question carried a heavy tone of regret. He knew I had shed far too many tears over him.

  “We weren’t supposed to be apart this long. Once I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I was planning on begging you to take me back. This – our separation, Jennifer, Jake – none of it was supposed to happen.” Regret, anger, frustration soared to a loud crescendo. “Remember how I told you I was in a car accident? Well, after our break up, I was so upset I purposely crashed my car into a wall. I really didn’t want to go on with my life without you. It was during my rehab sessions where I met Jennifer. She was kind to me and she filled your void. I know. It was stupid and I feel terrible for having hurt you both for my indiscretion.”

  My body agonized at the thought of Max being so hurt. I wished I could’ve known. I would’ve been there for him. This sympathy didn’t last once I envisioned him purposely driving a car into a wall.

  “What were you thinking crashing your car? You could’ve died. That would’ve sent me to my grave as well.” If there was ever a doubt, Max understood tonight how much he was loved.

  “You know, I came by your apartment every night after we broke up. I sat outside staring at your window till you fell asleep. More than anything I wanted to get back together with you.”

  “What stopped you?”

  Max hesitated… “My family.”

  “Your family? Did they not like me?”

  “No, they liked you very much but they wanted me to focus on my future and not spend so much time focused on a girlfriend. They didn’t empathize with my feelings of wanting to make you my wife one day.”

  Max’s confessions about wanting to make me his bride made my heart ache. I’d had no greater wish than to be Max’s wife.

  “Thank you for your explanation, Max. I think I understand now. I needed to believe that you loved me during those years. Our four years will always be a beautiful memory for me.”

  “I should be the one thanking you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m sorry I was such an inattentive boyfriend. Jake is good for you. I hope he will be for you what I should have been all those years.” With that he kissed my forehead and we turned to our private thoughts away from one another.

  For the first time, I felt at peace with our break-up. All my questions were answered and doubts erased. Wonderful memories of Max could live deep within my heart.

  Bright and very early the next morning we got back on the mule and headed up the canyon. Max’s solemn mood kept me quiet for most of the ride. I hated that we were back to our awkwardness. Yesterday was so much fun for both of us. After three hours, we finally arrived at the skywalk.

  In awe, but terrified of the glass walkway, I grabbed on to Max’s arms. It felt like we were walking on air. This freefall feeling kept me from looking over the glass to glance into the canyon. Knowing my fears Max stood behind me and pretended to push me and I jumped into his arms.

  “Stop scaring me! You know this is freaking me out right now.”

  Max couldn’t stop laughing. “I’m right behind you. I’ll make sure you don’t fall off,” he reassured me while his arms encircled me. “By the way, are you cold? You want my jacket?”

  “No, I’m okay.” While I appreciated his concern something about it made me feel uncomfortable.

  Max turned me around so my back was against the canyon and his face turned serious again. I peeked over his shoulder looking for Jake. It was sometime past 8:00 and I was hoping he would arrive soon. I wanted him to experience this skywalk with me.

  “Em, I’ve had your graduation present here in my pocket every day since we broke up. Do you think I can give it to you right now?”

  His random statement put me at a loss for words.

  That same Tiffany blue jewelry pouch that fell on my bedroom floor the night of the Christmas Ball produced a beautiful engagement ring. I gave him a blank stare.

  “What is this? Is this an engagement ring for Jennifer?” Perhaps Max was going to propose to Jennifer but got cold feet. “Why do you still have it? Why haven’t you given it to her?”

  “Em. It’s your engagement ring. I’ve had it since graduation.”

  “What do you mean this is my engagement ring?” Sometimes, I got things so wrong. A wave of nausea rolled through my body as I worked to understand this situation.

  Suddenly he got down on one knee and held my hand. “Em, I love you! You have been always been the most important person since the day I met you and I want you to complete my life now. Will you marry me?”

  Shocked.

  Horrified.

  Angry.

  Confused.

  These emotions engulfed my being.

  “Max... Why are you doing this to me now? We’ve been separated for two years. Why did you have to wait so long? I was so in love with you. Why are you trying to hurt me again? Was it not enough you hurt me the first time?”

  “I know, Em, and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I wish I could take back that night but I can’t. I just want to make things right.”

  “Em?” His voice so sweet, I couldn’t help but gaze at him. “Do you still love me?”

  “I love Jake. He’s the one I want to marry,” I tried to convince Max.

  “I know you turned down his proposal. You might love Jake but it can’t be as strong as what we had. You don’t have to answer right away. It took me this long to ask you to spend the rest of your life with me; I don’t expect you to give in easily. Please consider it. Give me a reason to hope that there’s still a part of you that loves me. This part could grow and we could get back to where we were in college. It’s going to take effort and hard work on my part. I am confident now that I can make this effort. I can’t live without you any longer, Em. I love you and would be honored if you would be my bride.”

  I couldn’t answer
him.

  I drew a blank.

  I went mute.

  “Emi!” I heard a shout from the other end of the sky walk. Horrified I retracted my hand from Max’s and wiped my tear-stained cheeks. Thankfully Max didn’t fight me when I pulled him up from the ground and tried to erase the proposal that just happened.

  “Sweetheart.” Jake ran over and held me. He gave Max an unpleasant look. “Are you alright? What just happened?” This was a question posed more towards Max than me.

  I was never more relieved to see Sarah, Charlie and Peter running towards us. They immediately pulled Max away from me.

  “Em… Take your time, I’ll wait…” His voice trailed but both Jake and I heard it clearly.

  “What happened, Emily? What was that all about?” Jake needed to know but I wasn’t ready to tell him. How could I explain to a man who wanted to marry me that my ex-boyfriend had just proposed? Jake would only jump to the wrong conclusion and get angry with me. I stayed in his arms, quiet.

  Sarah walked over to check on me. “Do you want me to stay with you? Are you okay?”

  I wanted to ask her to stay so I didn’t have to face Jake alone but I nodded my head and silently told her I was okay. She handed me my belongings and left.

  “Emi, please,” Jake pleaded. “Can you tell me why I saw Max on his knee?” Frustration mounted as I continued to remain silent. “EMILY!”

  “Max just proposed to me.” My head stayed down. I was even too afraid to cry.

  “Why would he do that? What happened between you two yesterday? Did something happen last night?” A sound close to a roar marked his last two questions.

  Alarmed I stared at him. How could you think such a thing?

  “What happened last night?” he asked again.

  “Nothing happened last night and as for yesterday, it was the most pleasant day we’ve had since Max and I broke up,” I answered in an angry tone.

  “Then why would he be encouraged enough to propose to you?”

  As angry as I was that Jake would think so lowly of me, I knew I needed to explain everything that had led up to this proposal. Ignorance only encouraged him to jump to wrong conclusions.

  “Max told me last night he was going to propose to me after graduation but got cold feet. Then this morning, he asked if he could give me my graduation present that he’d been holding onto all these years. Well, the ring was the graduation present and he asked me to marry him.”

  Jake’s tightened visage relaxed in a show of obvious relief that a proposal was all that had happened. He had forgotten what he had accused me of just moments before.

  “So, what did you say to him? I assume you said no but how did you turn him down?” Jake sounded insecure when he asked this question and rightly so. What little trust he had in me right now was about to be shattered once he knew that Max and I had found no resolution. But, I believed Jake would end up listening to reason once his anger subsided and after I turned down Max’s proposal, we could get back to our own proposal. Yes, we’d weather this storm and eventually get married. I just couldn’t be sure how long it would take for Jake to calm down.

  “Jake... I didn’t get a chance to answer Max,” I confessed.

  “What do you mean you didn’t answer him? Emily, I don’t understand.”

  Immediately his eyes shot daggers of pain straight into my heart. It will be okay. Once he calms down, he’ll forgive me and we’ll be alright. This is only a misunderstanding. It will clear up soon. “Jake, I’m sorry. I don’t know why but I went mute. I was in such shock when he asked me… and I knew the right answer was no… but it wouldn’t come out. Then you came and… I don’t know what happened.”

  “How could you turn down my proposal without a second thought but give his proposal a second chance?” Jake cried in disbelief.

  “I’m not giving him another chance. I don’t want to marry him.”

  Then why didn’t you tell him that?” He enunciated each word in a biting tone.

  “I don’t know… but I will… I will as soon as I see him.” The plea came out more despondent than desperate. The bright light in my life grew dim. Judging from all we’d been through in the last two months, a shut down would be his next course of action. I tried to explain my feelings to him but Jake ignored me like he had the morning he proposed to me. He wouldn’t respond nor listen to anything I had to say. He was trying to protect me from his hurtful words but this lack of communication hurt even more.

  I begged, “Please, Jake. Don’t shut me out. Talk to me. Yell at me. Do whatever you want but don’t go silent on me. Please... I don’t love Max. I love you. As soon as we get home, I’m going to have a talk with Max and tell him the truth. I’ll clear everything up.”

  Nothing worked. Jake’s afflicted face made me hold back and I gave him room to think. Only a few minutes passed before he let go of my hands and walked away. Afraid to be alone I walked towards him and attempted to grab his hand. He gently pushed me away and walked into a crowd of people and out of sight. I crouched down in the middle of the skywalk, hugging my knees to my chest and waited for Jake to return. Once he calmed down and gathered his thoughts, I trusted he would come back and talk to me. He would reassure me that he loved me just like he had Christmas morning. He’ll be back. He’ll be back soon.

  My phone rang and I was only too happy to answer it believing it was Jake.

  “Emily, it’s me, Sarah. Are you okay?”

  Not knowing what to say, “I’m okay,” was the lie that came out.

  “Do you want us to come and get you?”

  “No, I’ll go back with Jake. I’ll see you at home.” I trusted Jake would come back for me.

  “Okay, call if you need anything.”

  “Thanks, Sarah.”

  Visitors came and left and many were annoyed that I was in their way. My body didn’t move. I became a part of the Grand Canyon scenery. As the hours ticked by I thought about my life. I couldn’t believe the hurt both Max and Jake were putting me through. My mind fought with my heart trying to figure out why I couldn’t have answered Max’s proposal sooner. I knew in my mind I didn’t love Max anymore. There were no more desires or fanciful thought of marrying Max. We didn’t have a future together. I knew in my heart I loved Jake. Though I had refused his Christmas proposal, I would answer yes to his next proposal and live my happily ever after. All thought of my future only included Jake. Jake will be here. He’ll be here any moment now.

  The sun went down sooner than expected. Even my deep sadness couldn’t deny Grand Canyon’s majestic sunset. Jake never came back for me. Dejected, I couldn’t believe he left me waiting for him. How could he not know I’d wait? How could he not believe all my declarations this morning? At this very moment I understood my relationship with Jake was over. A dream, a nightmare - this was not what I had pictured. How would I salvage my relationship with Jake? Would there be a second chance?

  Jake’s silent walk out of my life signaled his gracious way of letting me go. Whether he was letting me go because he was tired of me and my roller coaster emotion or so I could have a life with Max, I didn’t know. What I knew for sure was that he wouldn’t want to see or talk to me. My biggest fear had come true. Today Jake woke up and realized he didn’t want to love me anymore. Yes, it was my fault this time – but the fact still remained, I had been abandoned again.

  The ironies of life were unending. My two offers of marriage within a week spoofed a comedy and a tragedy as neither was viable at this point. Max’s love for me destroyed my love for Jake. I could write a Shakespeare play based on my life – only child loses both parents, loses first boyfriend, first boyfriend pushes away second boyfriend, girl ends up alone, again. Almost comical…

  Feeling tired and beaten up by life and love I couldn’t cry anymore. I didn’t want to fall apart this time. I wanted to be strong, accept the curve ball life had thrown at me again and move on. Of course, this was easier said than done.

  “Miss? Excuse me, Miss?” I
awoke to find my body still crouched in the middle of the skywalk.

  “Are you okay?” a Park Ranger asked. “You’ve been here a long time. Do you need help?”

  “What time is it?” I asked dazed and a bit confused.

  “It’s 6:00pm. We need to close the skywalk. Are you with anyone? Do you need a ride somewhere?”

  The Ranger woke me up to my living nightmare - Jake had never come back for me. I was left stranded in the middle of the Grand Canyon.

  “Sir, could you take me to the nearest rental car place?”

  “Sure.”

  During the car ride I did everything in my power not to break down and sob. I couldn’t believe the man who said he wanted to take care of me the rest of my life abandoned me. I was sure he saw my friends leave. Didn’t he wonder how I would get home without him? How could he leave me?

  “Miss, here you are.” The Ranger kindly dropped me off. “Take care.”

  “Thank you.”

  At the car rental place, the first call went to Sarah.

  “Sarah?”

  “Emily. Where are you? Did you and Jake go back home?”

  I started to cry.

  Frantic, Sarah started crying with me. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

  “Sarah, I’m still in Arizona.”

  “What? Why are you still there?”

  “Oh Sarah!” My tears continued. “Jake never came back for me. He left me here by myself.”

  “WHAT?” Sarah yelled loudly. “Where exactly are you? Charlie and I will come get you.”

  “I’ll explain it all when I get home. Right now I want to go visit my parents in Texas. Could you book a room for me at that hotel near their gravesite? You remember the one we stayed at last time?”

  “Emily, it’s too far for you to drive alone. Let me go with you.” Sarah was always a kind soul. She would go to great lengths for me and for that, she would always have my thanks.