“Is Annie still live,” Eva asked.
Liam, seeing clean-up at completion, realized the memories were not going to be momentary. “I’m going to take a nap,” he said quickly. “Thanks for the dinner, Eva. Yes, Annie is alive. I started to write to her again. Ed Murphy has given me her return letter. But it’s been a while since I wrote back.” He rapidly retreated to the borrowed bedroom.
Damn, I left so rudely, he thought. He stood next to the closed door with his hand on the door knob. He heard Eva and Ellen speak. Eva said something in Finnish, then Ellen spoke in English, as was their habit.
“He is sad again, about his wife.”
~~~
A while later, as Liam sat in the bedroom rocking chair and watched the dusk come upon the day, a soft knock came on the door.
“Come in,” he said.
It was Eva. She stepped inside with a short stack of writing paper, a fountain pen, ink, and some envelopes.
“I tink you write to Annie. Sees vant to get more from you.”
“I think so, too.” Liam looked at Eva. He was on the verge of tears from the gesture. With tears teetering on her eyelashes, she handed him the paper and envelopes and put the ink pot and pen on the table. She pulled a roll of postage stamps out of her skirt pocket and held them out to him. He grasped her fingers as he took them, giving her a grateful gaze.
“Dees stamp go to Europe,” she said, rolling the r.
“Thank you,” he whispered, feeling the intimate moment in his heart.
~~~
For the month of April, Eva's feelings vacillated. She experienced a wide range of emotions, sometimes in extreme intensity for brief spurts, with movement forward, and movement back. Liam and Eva did not put themselves into a position where sex was too easily had, although Eva craved Liam much of the time. She was so lonely, yet fearful of the possibility of opening up to him. But when the opportunity to spend time together presented itself, they were able to comfort each other with talking, and hugs if the need arose. They spent some days, however, where they could hardly face one another because of the confusion and fears.
It was on those days that Liam busied himself out in the barn. He kept the horse tended and the stall mucked out. He took on the immense task of cutting and splitting the ten- and twelve-inch diameter log sections delivered by the lumber mill for next winter’s fuel. Liam was rebuilding his musculature and strength. The strenuous nature of the task made him feel better, though he knew there were unresolved issues he was avoiding, at a cost to his emotional healing.
~~~
In the beginning of May, Saimi told Eva she was becoming increasingly concerned for Liam.
In the unheated sauna, the two were folding clean linens from the previous day’s washing. It was now nice enough weather to hang the sheets outside to dry. They spoke in Finnish in case Liam should hear.
“I am seeing Liam withdraw and not able to concentrate on reading the newspaper,” Saimi said. “He goes in and out of the house all day. Sits on the bench, walks to the lake and stays for a long time.”
“What do I do?”
“Perhaps you can sit him down. Ask him what’s troubling him.”
“He may feel lonely out on the sauna porch since he moved out here to give Ellen her room back. He’s spending more time alone.” Eva felt concerned. Her feelings and desire for Liam had not gone away since their snow fight, as she liked to call it.
“He most certainly has something on his mind,” Saimi concluded. They finished folding the sheets. “Let’s get these on the beds upstairs and bring the dirty linens down to wash tomorrow morning.”
~~~
A few days later, on an early Saturday afternoon towards mid-May, Eva was preparing the sauna for use. She was running the water to fill the tank. She thought she heard a door slam, and paid little heed to it since Ellen let it slam often. After turning the water off, she heard Saimi calling in alarm from the kitchen door.
Eva went to the sauna door and looked Saimi’s way, puzzled at her distress.
“It’s Liam,” Saimi cried in Finn. “He’s heading for the lake with a bottle of vodka.”
Eva went back into the sauna for her shawl and took off after Liam. “Finish setting the fire for sauna, please,” she hollered to Saimi. She took off towards the woody path that led to the lakeshore. She could see Liam disappear down the path on the other side of the field.
~~~
When Eva arrived at the lake, Liam was sitting on a big downed maple tree away from the shore, next to the woods. He hadn’t yet opened the bottle he held in his hand. She stood breathless about twenty feet away. Both looked deeply into each other’s eyes. Eva could see his deep angst.
Slowly, she walked toward him. “Vhat you say, Liam? Yust say it,” she whispered. She came to him and put her hand on his cheek.
He blurted out in a sobbing gasp, the tears flowing freely. “It was my fault! She’s dead because I was too lazy to get her magazine.”
Eva didn’t understand what he said, other than “it was my fault,” but she moved swiftly and took him into her arms anyway. He could not stand, so they collapsed on the ground in front of the tree.
“Don’t tink dat—you are good man, Liam,” she said firmly. She rocked him as he lay across her lap. He wept and wept for many minutes.
As he calmed, she could feel him gently, slowly push into her. He began to kiss her neck and move his mouth on hers. His hand went to her cheek. It felt so good to her. She would let him do whatever he wanted to do. She let him lay her down. He looked at her and smiled softly.
She knew his need. “You are so good, Liam, so good. I luff you. I sordy ’bout Dolly. It yust happen, dat’s all. Like Victor.” There was no turning back. “Come to me,” she said.
He lifted her skirt and took off her undergarment, giving her a long gaze. She moaned as he entered her. He paused for a brief moment, looking into her eyes. “Eva …” he whispered. After a dozen or so gentle, slow thrusts, she felt the pleasure wash over her. It felt like living again. She watched his face as he finished. It was the sexiest thing she ever saw—his face, his body lying on her, how he moved. Like a god, she thought. The experience was even better than she had dreamed of since the snow fight.
~~~
Liam lay in Eva’s arms for a long while. Keenly aware of what he and Eva had just done, he kissed and nuzzled her, feeling happiness grow inside him. That was so beautiful. She’s like a goddess.
He lifted his head from the crook of her neck, staring into her eyes. “Thank you, Eva. Ye saved me again.” He kissed her soft and long.
“I’m happy you come back,” she whispered.
“As am I.” For the first time in months he felt his muscles release from the tension he had built from avoiding his attraction to her. It was like taking steam in the sauna.
He became aware that the ground under his knees and elbows was wet, and he noticed that Eva was stirring.
“I am vet under me,” she said, giving a little shiver.
He got to his feet and pulled her off their earthly bed. After the pleasantly self-conscious rearranging of their clothes, they stood still, arms wrapped tightly around each other. They gazed at nature’s blend of sun, sky, wind, and water over the lake. The water sparkled like thousands of white jewels in the sun.
“Think we better get back. Let’s get ye changed,” Liam said, breaking the sweet spell.
She bent to pick up her bloomers and put them in her skirt pocket. She also picked up the unopened bottle of vodka that Liam was going to punish himself with. She took it to the water’s edge, opened it, and poured the contents into the lake, forever diluted and undrinkable. Then she heaved the empty glass bottle into the woods as far as she could. As they walked back to the boarding house, they held hands.
“Do ye think it was … too much, Eva?”
“I tink … I don’t know. Ve s’pose to do it. It come next.”
“It was meant to be. Is that what ye’re sayin’?”
“Oh, aye,” He nodded and gazed into her eyes.
They both gave an audible sigh, rewrapped their fingers tighter together, and walked back to the boarding house.
~~~
Saimi heard Ellen fly through the back entry, shut the door, and remove her outer clothing. She came into the parlor in her stocking feet and sat in the big comfy chair. She was winded, and it took her a while to return to normal breathing. Saimi, who was sitting in the rocker reading letters, saw Ellen’s pensive, faraway look. She decided not to ask, sensing that Ellen was trying to sort something out on her own. Saimi concluded it was not something that terribly disturbed Ellen, but concerned her, perhaps surprised her. Saimi didn’t have to think long about what that could be. She knew Eva went after a distressed man, a man she had been close to for the last few weeks. Saimi also knew that Ellen had ambivalent feelings about her mother and this new man.
Saimi stood up a few moments later and asked in Finnish, “Can I get you something to drink, Ellen?”
Seemingly surprised at the intrusion into her thoughts, Ellen replied politely in Finnish. “No, thank you.”
Saimi left the parlor and went to the kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee. She glanced out the backdoor window to see if smoke was still coming from the sauna chimney. She saw the smoke, but she also spotted Liam and Eva at the sauna door, examining Eva’s muddy wet back. Eva went into the sauna while Liam, with muddy trouser knees and jacket elbows, went to the summer porch, but not before he kissed Eva and squeezed her hand as they parted. It wasn’t hard for Saimi to figure out what they had been doing.
Taking a deep breath of concern and letting it out slowly, Saimi said out loud to herself, “Now I know vhat you see, Ellen.”
Chapter 8
Two days later, Eva took a break from a weaving project she’d started on the loom. It was mid-morning. Ellen was at school, and Liam was outside with a chore. She walked into the kitchen where Saimi was finishing the morning pots and pans.
“Sit, Eva. Have some coffee,” She spoke in Finn.
“I’d like that,” Eva said in the tongue she was most comfortable with.
They poured their coffee and sat at the table. Eva was wondering why Saimi seemed so preoccupied as she loaded her coffee with cream and sugar.
“Eva, I know you are a grown woman. I can see you and Liam getting closer. In some ways, I think it’s wonderful. I just want to say, please go slowly. He’s had more than four years since his wife died. You …”
“I know,” Eva said quietly. “I’ve had barely five months.”
“What if one of you changes your mind?”
“Saimi, I know this can be frightening. After all, I didn’t know when I married Victor at sixteen that he was going to cheat on me.”
“I don’t think either one of you is done with your grieving.”
“No, I know I am not. But more often times than not, Liam is a comfort to me. I’ve barely seen him these two days, but I can’t let that bother me.” But as she said that, she realized it did bother her.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Saimi said switching to English. “I yust vordy ’bout you, Eva. I vant you to be happy.”
“Tank you, Saimi,” Eva spoke in English, too.
Eva finished her coffee, put the cup in the sink, and went back to sit at the loom in the parlor as Saimi headed upstairs with the dust mop. Eva put her head in her hands, leaning her elbows on the loom. Perhaps making love at the lake wasn’t meant to be anything but a moment of comfort for both of us, she thought. Liam is probably going to leave soon, now that the weather has warmed. She sat, feeling dejected and more confused than ever.
She heard the back door open and close and footsteps coming into the foyer. It was Liam.
He paused when he saw her face. “Eva—”
“Liam,” she interrupted. She did not want him to say anything that would shatter her more. “I tink it’s time you leef,” she spurted impulsively.
“Why?”
“You don’t have to stay anymore. I know time at lake vas yust comfort, notink else for you.”
“Ye can’t tell me what I felt," Liam said adamantly. He walked toward her. “I have had bouts of wondering what I was going to do next, but leavin’ wasn’t on my mind.”
Feeling insecure, she got up and headed for her room, but she had to pass Liam in order to go there.
He gently stopped her by taking her forearm. “Do ye want me to go?” he asked softly with his eyes intent on hers. She tried to pull away. “Eva, do ye wish me to be gone?”
“I don’t know.” She pulled a little harder. He let her go. He followed her to the bedroom door.
As she closed the door, she heard Liam say, “Ye’ll let me know soon, because I feel I’ve just worn out my welcome.”
She ran to her bed in tears. Maybe it was time.
~~~
Heart heavy, Liam went out the back door to the summer porch. He stood there, wanting desperately to have an answer come to him. Does she really want me to go? Or is she just as scared and confused as I am? The afternoon at the lake had been very intimate. Perhaps he’d been right when he questioned if it was “too much.” He sat down on the edge of the day bed, elbows propped on his knees, head in his hands.
He heard the door open and looked up, surprised to see Eva. She closed the door behind her and stood, leaning against it, as though she were indecisive about coming in all the way or leaving.
“Do you tink … it … vas too mutts?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you hate it?”
“God no, Eva. It … was beautiful. I … love you …” His voice trailed off, fearing she would reject him.
She took a big breath and walked up to him, standing between his knees. He put his arms around her waist, his cheek against her belly. He loved touching her. Her hands cupped his face. She knelt in front of him, putting her arms around his neck. They kissed tenderly. He pulled her on top of him as he lay back on the bed. His arousal was strong and he wanted her. She pushed her genitals into his. “Are ye sure again,” he whispered.
“I vant you, Liam. It make me … crazy.” She kissed him. She moved against him rhythmically. “Come inside me,” she said with her lips on his.
He grasped her buttocks and moved in the same rhythm. Am I doin’ the right thing? he thought. But she feels so good. She is just as terrified as I am. I see it in her face. But she is so giving. She’s so open and unabashed. What is she doing? She’s opening her blouse. Let me help her. Seeing her breasts makes me want to take her fast. No. Go slowly. I don’t want to rush. Let me look at her. Feel her. Kiss her. I hear her. She’s making a humming sound, like purring. She’s pushing herself into me, rubbing. Jesus, it feels good. Her skirt is in the way. Pull it up. God, she smells good. Like the outdoors. Now I smell her desire.
“Please, let me in, Eva.”
She opened his buttons and pulled him out. She gave him a lusty gaze and put him in her mouth.
“I want to be inside you.”
She accommodated him and helped him inside her.
I want to put my hands on her breasts until I come.
With his hands on her ample breasts, he breathed, “God! Eva … ah … uuuhhhh!”
It took her a few seconds more of moving against him for her climax. She collapsed onto his chest. They fell asleep in each other’s arms.
~~~
When Eva left Liam some time later, he was sleeping. He looks like a little boy. So sweet. She walked to the house dreamily, satisfied. But trepidation soon took its place.
Vhat I do now? I luff him, but I still mix up ’bout tinks. Vat if he turn out to be like Victor? Eva was surprised she was thinking in English. Having a strictly English speaker in her life now had forced her to rely on the language she had dreaded to use and fought so stubbornly not to.
She entered the house to find Saimi starting supper. She picked up w
here she could in assistance, even though she was full of worry.
Eva glanced at her. Saimi knew.
~~~
After the second time they made love, Eva wanted to be with Liam all the time. She got her wish for the first few days, but then he seemed to be absent for a few days. She didn’t want to say anything to him about it, however.
One beautiful warm and breezy afternoon, Eva decided to go into town to mail letters and pick up some seeds and sets of onions and potatoes to plant her garden. She went to the barn to get her small wagon so she could haul all her garden supplies home.
The hardware store, attached to the dry goods store and run by the same family, always carried seeds of all kinds in the spring. Mr. Jacobsen was a friendly, elderly man with a bald head and a permanently stooped back.
“Hello, Eva,” he said. “It’s so good to see you. How are you, my dear? My wife wonders about you and how you’ve faired this winter.”
“I haff been good. Tell Mrs. Yacobsen tank you.”
She gave him her order.
As he began to fill it, he said, “I saw the Irishman the other day with the Widow Johnson. Isn’t she your neighbor?”
Eva took several seconds for her brain to register what Mr. Jacobsen had just said. Everyone seemed to know who the Irishman was and where he was staying. Rumors about him had started when he first arrived. No one in the Finnish Community, however, out of respect for Eva, linked him to her in a salacious way. He was simply assisting Saimi and Eva at the boarding house since Victor died, in exchange for his room and board. Saimi had made sure the story was straight.
“Oh, I didn’t know dat.” It was the only thing she could think to say. A sick feeling in her belly grew as Mr. Jacobsen continued to load her wagon with onion sets, potato seeds, and a variety of root vegetable seed packages. She paid him, mustered a polite goodbye, and left for the post office, then home.
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