I sit down across from her and grab one of the complimentary breadsticks on the table.
“Give him a break, Pipe. He always treats us well, and we can always go out afterward.”
“I guess you're right.”
Our waitress comes over and takes our order. We both order the endless pasta bowls because it’s cheap, and we get unlimited breadsticks.
“I got a text from Ryan, saying the boys got called into work when their class gets out.”
I frown in disappointment. I was looking forward to talking to Jaxon about us moving in together.
“That sucks, they’re always working so hard. They’re going to be the best damn pharmacists the world has ever seen,” I joke.
“Yeah, well their loss is our gain, we’re going out tonight. Mikey is having a big back to campus party.”
I’m unable to hide my disappointment. Although Mikey has been respectful of my new relationship, things have been awkward between us.
“I don’t know if I should go, Piper. He probably doesn’t want me there.”
“Nonsense, he’s the one who told me to tell you about it.”
We finish our dinner and I reluctantly agree to go to the party. The distraction might do me some good; otherwise I’ll be sitting on Jaxon’s couch, watching the time slowly tick away.
By the time ten o’clock rolls around, Piper and I are showered, dressed to impress, and walking into the two-story house that Mikey and a few of his friends rent out. The music is pumping and I see a line of kegs on the floor in the kitchen.
We go to make ourselves a cocktail when I notice there is no hard liquor anywhere.
“Where’s the good stuff?” I shout over the music to Piper.
She shrugs her shoulders, as confused as I am, and starts digging through the cabinets.
I feel an arm wrap around my waist from behind me, I’m about to turn around and slap whoever is touching me when I hear, “I’m so glad you made it, Trigger,” being whispered in my ear.
I turn around to face a drunk Mikey. His cheeks are red, his eyes glazed over and his speech is slurred. I’m stunned because he’s never this drunk so early in the night.
“Hey Mikey, where’s the liquor?”
“There is none. Last time we had a party there were broken glasses and bottles everywhere. My roommates and I decided to make this a keg and plastic cup exclusive party.”
I nod my head and turn in Piper’s direction.
“You can stop looking, Pipe. It’s a beer only party.”
I watch her close the cabinets and make her way to one of the kegs.
“So how’ve you been, Trigger. We don’t get to talk much now that you’re dating that tool, Jaxon.”
“Shut the fuck up, Mikey. You know Jaxon’s a nice guy.”
He huffs as if what I just said is funny.
“What?” I ask him.
“Nothing.”
“No, what? You obviously have something to say to me so just say it. You’ve got a problem with Jaxon, and I want to know what it is.”
He pulls me closer to him and whispers in my ear. I know it’s because he doesn’t want to shout it across the room, but I feel uncomfortable. This position seems too intimate on his part.
“He’s not who he says he is.”
I move my ear away from his lips and look into Mikey’s eyes. I’m so confused by this statement. Mikey is trying to start shit and he’s not even doing a good job at it.
“What do you mean? Who is he then?”
“Just trust me, Tessa. Something’s off about him, I can feel it.”
“Mikey, just stop. You sound really pathetic right now, warning me away from a guy, but having no reason to do so. When you’ve got real information to share with me, then we’ll talk."
I go to move away from him when he grabs my bicep. I turn, giving him my full attention.
“Where is lover boy tonight?”
I tug my arm away from his, pulling away from his grip.
“Working. He and Ryan have to work late and that’s the only reason I agreed to come to your party. I should have stayed home.”
“He’s working, huh?”
“Yes, Mikey, how much clearer do I have to be?”
Mikey grabs a hold of my shoulders, turning me around so my back is to his front. His lips lower to my ear.
“If Mr. Perfect is working, why is he over there in the corner talking to Rocks and some girls?”
I’m unable to speak, to come back with a witty retort. All I see is Jaxon and Jimmy huddled, looking intense, while three girls flirt and try to make their way into the huddle. I watch their exchange. It goes from being intense one minute to laughing the next.
“They’re friends, Mikey.”
“Your man is friends with Jimmy? Doesn’t that go against your whole ‘I don’t associate with drug dealers’ agenda? Are there new rules to your friendship guidelines that I don’t know about?”
Mikey’s right. The old me wouldn’t be friends with Jaxon, never mind date him, if he hung out with a known drug dealer. I can’t even pretend this is the first time I’ve seen them together. Come to think of it, every time I’ve seen Jaxon at a party he is around Jimmy.
I watch as Ryan leans into Jaxon and whispers something in his ear. His face briefly turns pale before he quickly masks it and puts a smile on his face. I watch him scan the room until his eyes meet mine.
I’m waiting for him to freak out that I’ve caught him, run over and make an excuse to why he lied. Instead his smile grows bigger, and he casually excuses himself from Jimmy before walking my way.
“Hey, baby.” His lips gently press against my temple. “I was looking for you earlier. Ryan said you’d be here.”
Ryan?
“I thought you and Ryan had to work, that’s what Piper told me.”
“We did, Tessa, but when we showed up our boss wasn’t there to let us in. We sat around and waited twenty minutes, and when our boss still didn’t show we split. Ryan texted Piper and she told him to meet her here.”
I look around the room, searching for Piper, wanting her to confirm Jaxon’s story. I finally spot her against the wall in the living room being publicly groped by Ryan. I guess Jaxon’s story is true. Piper wouldn’t be sucking face with Ryan after catching him in a lie.
I turn back to face him, “Sorry. I was just confused seeing you here. I thought you lied to me.”
His facial expression softens and he lifts my chin with his thumb.
“Look at me.”
I look up so my eyes meet his.
“What? Did you think I was cheating on you?”
I shake my head, “No, worse. I thought… I saw you with Jimmy. Then Mikey implied that my rules had changed because I was with you and you associate yourself with Jimmy. I thought… for a minute… that you might be doing drugs.”
“Tessa, I would never-”
“But you’re with him a lot, Jaxon. It’s weird.”
“I’m not, baby. He comes and seeks me out. I’m not a mean or rude person, so I engage in light conversation with him, that’s it. If it makes you uncomfortable I’ll stop.”
I know I probably sound so irrational. He must think I’m crazy because I’m implying who he can and cannot hang out with.
I take his hands without warning and walk out the back of the house. There’s five cement steps that lead to the back yard and I sit down on one of the steps, gesturing for Jaxon to do the same. I’m ready to tell him everything.
Chapter Ten
You Can’t Take it Back
“I need to explain a few things to you, so I brought you out here where it’s a little quieter. I was evasive when we first met, not wanting to tell you the complete story, but I think you need to know. It’ll help explain why I’m so neurotic about drugs and maybe, maybe you won’t think I’m so crazy.”
Jaxon moves closer to me and brings his hand to my face, brushing my cheek softly with his thumb. “I could never think you’re crazy. What I thin
k of you, what I feel for you, is indescribable. I’ve never felt this way and I want you to know, whatever it is, whatever your reasons are, it will never change the way I feel about you.”
I lean forward to kiss his lips, needing his affection for encouragement. When I pull away, I start to open up.
“I was a twin,” I say nervously. “I had an identical sister and we were inseparable. My parents named her Arabella, which means beautiful lion. I was named Contessa meaning countess or royalty. My mother was all about the meaning of your name being strong. We hated our names and insisted on being called Bella and Tessa.
“We kept to ourselves a lot growing up. We didn’t need anyone else to make us happy, and we only made new friends if both of us agreed on the person. We were considered miracles in our parent’s eyes because my mother had us so late in her life. My parents didn’t believe in birth control so it’s always amazed me that I didn’t have twelve brothers and sisters.
“My mother and father are your classic definition of hippies. My father’s a doctor and practices the holistic medical approach. He never believed in western medicine. My mother is a massage therapist and used to grow weed in our backyard. My sister and I never thought anything of it. As far as we knew, our life was normal.”
I look over to make sure I haven’t shocked him too much with the information I’m spewing out. He’s watching me intensely, and I can see how much he cares for me in his eyes, so I continue.
“When we got to high school, our lives were out of control. We had no boundaries because our parents wanted it that way. They wanted us to be free to make our own decisions. Now that I’m an adult, I see how fucked up that is. Kids need boundaries. They need adults in their lives to set examples, to show them what’s right and wrong.”
I can feel the unshed tears in the corners of my eyes. I take a deep breath, trying to control the urge I have to start crying. Jaxon, being the amazing guy he is, just sits and lets me have my moment. I can tell he knows how hard this is for me to talk about.
“I started dating this guy, Randy. I was fourteen and he was twenty-two. I met him through my mom; he was a client of hers. My parents were okay with us dating because they believed age doesn’t matter when you’re in love. It was sickening really. I thought I knew everything at fourteen. In my eyes Randy was perfect because he could see that I was an old soul. I was delusional and now that I’m an adult, I see how wrong the relationship was. I wish my parents would’ve done something to stop it.
“We partied a lot and I always brought Bella with me. I was drinking regularly at this point. I never did drugs though, I saw too many people act like fucking idiots when they were high. I thought Bella felt the same way.
“Randy and I would go out, get drunk, and fool around a little, but I never slept with him. I wanted to hold on to my virginity for a little while longer.”
I take a deep breath before I continue, preparing for what I tell him next.
“One night we were partying at a friend of Randy’s house. Randy and I had gotten into a fight and I stormed out, taking a walk to cool my temper. I got back to the house an hour later and I couldn’t find Randy anywhere. I started checking the bedrooms and I found him in one of them. He was in the bed having sex with my sister. I started screaming at him, hitting him while he was still inside her, then my anger turned to Bella.
“I was heartbroken. She was my best friend in the world, the only person I trusted with everything I had, and she betrayed me.
“I said some pretty nasty things to her, realizing after I was done that she was high as a kite and wouldn’t remember what happened in the morning. Looking back at it now, I don’t even think she knew who Randy or I were, she was that far gone.
“I threw her purse at her, cussing the entire time and telling her to call me in the morning when she sobered up, and was clean again. I left the house and went home, never looking back.”
I’m unable to hold the tears back as they start to flow uncontrollably. Jaxon pulls me into his arms and holds me, letting me cry into his shoulder as he softly caresses my back.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Tessa. I’m not leaving. Shhh…”
I settle down and my tears stop falling. I pull away from Jaxon and wipe my eyes with the back of my hands.
“The next morning I was woken up by someone pounding on our front door. I went to go answer it and I was greeted by two police officers. My parents entered the room a few seconds later and the officers asked us to sit down. We did as they said and that was when we were told Bella was dead. She died of an apparent heroin overdose. It would take several days to confirm, but heroin was found on her body at the scene.
“Time froze as I went over the events from the day before. There are so many things I could have done differently, but the biggest mistake I made that night was leaving her there. I knew how trashed she was, I knew she was on something, but I was so angry with her that I just left. I started blaming myself for the fact that I wouldn’t sleep with Randy. In my eyes, if I had fucked him he would have never sought out my sister that night and we would have never gotten into that fight. I would have never left her there.”
“Tessa, you were fourteen. Give yourself a break.”
“I know. I know I was fourteen and believe it or not, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I left her there. It was stupid and dumb, but I was young and immature. I even recently stopped blaming myself for not sleeping with Randy.
“After Bella’s death I became promiscuous. A boy from my high school took my virginity the night of Bella’s funeral. He was older than me and I just wanted to forget.
“He walked over to me after the service and asked if I was okay. I remember asking him to drive me home. When we got to his car I practically jumped him. He carried me to the back seat and a few minutes later I was no longer a virgin.
“I remember feeling loved in those few moments. My parents hadn’t said two words to me since Bella died; they blamed me for leaving her. I blamed them for being such shitty parents. I needed someone to comfort me; I didn’t know how to handle death. That night I found comfort in sex so I continued to do it, but I always made sure not to let anyone in. I couldn’t go through what I went through again. Letting someone in was too risky.
“I cut ties with all my old friends. I was no longer friends with anyone that associated with drugs. I blamed them, I blamed my parents, I blamed anyone I possibly could.
“It’s gotten easier now and I’m not as angry as I was, but I still have a problem with drugs. Being around them makes me think of my sister and I get angry. I don’t want to be an angry person anymore, so I’ve chosen to keep that poison out of my life. It’s worked so far, too. I’m a lot happier than I was.”
I smile at Jaxon, hoping he realizes I’m happier because of him.
“When I saw you with Jimmy, I freaked out. I keep having thoughts of you doing drugs or selling them and my heart can’t take it. I love you too much to watch anything bad happen to you.”
I don’t even realize what I’ve said, but I’m instantly on alert when I see Jaxon’s body tense up.
“What’s wrong?”
Nothing, he says nothing. I start to go over everything that I said to him, wondering where I went wrong.
Shit.
I just told him I love him and didn’t even remember doing it. Now he’s staring at me as if I’ve grown an extra head, or have three eyeballs.
“I didn’t mean-”
“Yes, you did,” he says firmly. “And you can’t take it back, I won’t let you.”
Before I can argue again, he kisses my lips soft and sweet. I can sense his urgency and desperation to have me. I let out a moan as his mouth moves from mine to kiss a trail across my cheek, to my ear.
“You meant every word,” he says huskily, his tongue sucking on the skin below my ear. My eyes roll to the back of my head as I allow my head to fall back. His mouth feels so good on my skin.
“I know you meant it because I can feel it.”
His tongue licks a trail to my ear lobe. “I’ve felt your love for a while.”
He sucks my earlobe into his mouth, grazing it with his teeth before he gently bites down,
“And I love you, too,” he whispers. It’s so soft I almost don’t hear it.
I move my head away from his to look into his eyes. For the first time I can see the love he has for me in them. He looks at me in a way I’ve never seen before, a way no one has ever looked at me.
“How can you say that? How can you love me after what I just told you? How could anyone love me?” I croak, holding back tears.
“Tessa,” he says, almost painfully. “How could I not? How could anyone who knows you, not love you? You mean the world to me. I want to spend every second of my life with you. When I’m not with you, I’m counting down the minutes until I finally get to see you again.
“You have some shitty people in your life so I understand why you’ve never felt loved, but I love you. I’ve known it for awhile now and I’m going to show you how much I love you, everyday.”
His words strike a chord with me and I’m instantly attacking him. My lips crush his, it’s like I’m afraid it’s my last meal, and I want to eat as much as possible before my plate’s taken away.
He instantly responds, his hands in my hair, running down my back and under my ass. Everywhere he touches me is scolding hot and I need his body to calm down the fire.
He lays me down on the cold concrete stairs and it feels so good against my skin, but it also reminds me where we are.
“Jaxon," I pant. “We’ve got to stop.”
He looks up at me with hooded eyes. I watch him take in our surroundings as he sits up and adjusts himself in his pants.
“Sorry, I guess I got a little out of control.”
“I like out of control Jaxon. He makes my body feel things it’s never felt before.”
He smiles at me, “Then I like out of control Jaxon, too.”
“Let’s go home and finish what we started.”
He looks at me wide-eyed and hopeful. He didn’t miss the meaning in what I said.
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