Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  This was why the whole thing kept fucking with me. I wanted to be this brave person who was comfortable with who they were, but I wasn’t. And I hated it.

  “I’m going to miss you,” Jonah said after a few minutes of silence, his voice a little shaky. “A lot.”

  My heart tightened.

  “It’s your last year, you’ll be busy.”

  He knew I’d miss him too, even if I hadn’t said it.

  “Doesn’t mean I’ll stop wishing I could be here with you.”

  “You’re coming back at half-term.”

  He nodded, but his eyes were sad. I hated it. All of it. It couldn’t be helped. We always knew we’d be apart when the summer ended. I was trying to be the strong one.

  You’re not strong. You’re weak. So. Fucking. Weak.

  “J, you know it’s not that long, right?”

  He tried to smile, but I could see the insecurity in his expression.

  “I need to talk to you about something.”

  My stomach twisted at the seriousness of his tone. I shifted to look at him fully.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No, but I’ve been meaning to tell you this, just hasn’t felt like the right time. Now I’m leaving and time has run out.”

  I didn’t like where this was going. What had he been keeping from me? Jonah was very open with me usually.

  “Okay… what is it?”

  I made sure my voice was calm despite my nerves spiking. He didn’t need me going off on one before I even knew what it was he wanted to say.

  “I told you I’d only been with one guy intimately before.”

  My body tensed at his words. Whilst he knew I’d been with Lana, I didn’t bring her up in conversation. She was a part of my past, not my present.

  “Yeah.”

  “It wasn’t a relationship thing. He taught me about sex and that was it.”

  “Oh.”

  If that was it, I didn’t know why he was making a thing out of it. Yeah, it did suck since his first experience wasn’t with someone he was emotionally involved with, but mine hadn’t been either. Not the first time anyway. I’d never developed strong feelings for Lana, but at least we’d had a relationship afterwards.

  “And the reason I’m telling you is because I live with him and another guy in Durham.”

  I didn’t speak. The very idea he lived with someone he’d been intimate with had me struggling to not overreact. It wouldn’t be fair, considering I’d stipulated our relationship had to be a secret.

  This is different. You aren’t living with the girl you fucked.

  It wasn’t quite as bad as him living with an ex, but it was bad enough. Did he think I would be okay with this? Probably not, since he hadn’t told me until the very last minute.

  “I promise nothing is going on between me and Robin. It wasn’t really anything to begin with. He’s not interested in relationships. I don’t want him like that either. You are all I want. You know that.”

  His words didn’t placate me. They didn’t make me feel any less uneasy about it.

  Robin? His name is Robin? You know what? Fuck Robin!

  Jonah reached up and ran his fingers through my hair, stroking the side of my head.

  “Say something. You look kind of pissed.”

  “I am pissed,” I muttered.

  Jonah looked contrite at my words. He should have told me about this weeks ago. Springing it on me when we were sharing our last night together for weeks? It was kind of shitty.

  “I know I should have said something before.”

  I sat up, pulling away from him. His expression fell. I wasn’t sure what else he expected.

  “You think?”

  “Raphi…”

  Those sad eyes of his gut me. I wasn’t overreacting. He knew better than to keep that shit to himself.

  “No, don’t do that. Don’t look at me like that. What the fuck, J? You slept with your housemate?”

  He sat up and reached for me, but I backed away, avoiding his hands.

  “It wasn’t my smartest idea and I wish I hadn’t but I can’t take it back now.”

  “Do you really expect me to be okay with you living with a guy you’ve slept with?”

  The words hurt him as much as they hurt me. I didn’t have a say in the matter since this was all arranged before I ever came back into his life. Didn’t stop me hating everything about it.

  “No, but it’s not like I can change it.”

  “I don’t care. You knew I would hate it, so you kept it from me.”

  “Like you’re any better when you’re keeping me a secret.”

  He slammed his hand over his mouth right after he said it as if he could put the words back in his mouth. They couldn’t be unsaid. I knew he didn’t like the fact I wasn’t ready to tell the world I was bi and in love with a boy. Jonah didn’t know about the love part quite yet. His tone made it sound like he resented me for all of it.

  “I didn’t mean that, Raphi. I really didn’t.” His words came out rushed, and he lunged forward, gripping my arms and making it impossible for me to go anywhere. His eyes were frantic, making my chest ache. “I promised you I’d wait. I know you’re not ready and it’s okay. I understand. You don’t need to rush this.”

  His words did nothing to stop the bitterness towards myself from rearing its ugly head. The self-loathing kicked in. I didn’t deserve Jonah, but he was mine anyway.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to ruin tonight.”

  We’d had a beautiful day. The two of us had a picnic in Hyde Park in the afternoon, followed by dinner out after we’d done some last-minute shopping together. We’d watched a movie in the games room as my parents were out with Grandpa and Lily. My siblings were doing their own thing.

  His hands left my arms, cupping my face instead. My breath hitched.

  “Don’t run, please. I need you.”

  “Where do you think I’m going to go? This is my room,” I ground out.

  He pressed his forehead to mine.

  “You pushed me away last time things got too much.”

  As if my self-loathing wasn’t bad enough already, what he said made it intensify. I could only apologise for my actions so many times. If only he knew how much I’d already beaten myself up over it. If only he could see the extent of my brokenness. I hadn’t let him. No one was allowed to see how damaged I was inside. How much I hated everything about myself. I didn’t see what everyone else saw. This useless boy who couldn’t even admit the truth of who he was to himself.

  “I’m not doing that.”

  “Aren’t you?”

  “I’m trying not to lose my shit with you right now. I’d appreciate it if you stopped pushing me.”

  Jonah let go of me, pulling back and staring at me with no small amount of pain in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry doesn’t change anything you’ve just said, J.”

  I didn’t want to be angry. This was the worst thing to happen the night before he was due to go back to Durham. All I’d wanted was to hold him tight and forget it was happening. I couldn’t do that now.

  “Raphi…”

  “No, you equated me not being ready to tell anyone about us to you living with a guy you’ve had sex with. I don’t even know what to do with that right now.”

  Was I being unreasonable? I had no idea. All of this didn’t sit well with me.

  The horrified look in his eyes affected me. I hated upsetting him. Hated seeing the agony in his expression.

  “You’re… you’re not breaking up with me, right?” he asked in a small voice.

  I froze at his words. I’d already told him I wasn’t going anywhere. What on earth would give him that idea? I felt worse than ever. All of this shit was my fault. I’d made it hard for him to trust me to stay, even though I’d spent the past six weeks trying to show him I wanted to be with him. I wanted this to work. I needed
it to.

  “No, J, that’s not what’s happening here. I want to be with you. I want this. I’m just… angry with the situation. And angry you didn’t tell me sooner.”

  Why did he have to look so broken? I couldn’t take it. It hurt to see him like this. I leant back against the headboard and reached for him, pulling him against me and forcing him to rest his head on my chest. I stroked his blonde hair as Jonah wrapped his arms around my body.

  “I need you,” he whispered. “I really need you so you can’t leave me.”

  “I’m right here, cuore mio, I told you already, you have me. I’m yours, but I need a minute to calm down.”

  He kissed my chest. I didn’t want to hurt Jonah any more than I already had. Whilst I didn’t think I could be okay with him living in the same house as the guy he’d been intimate with, I could deal with it. Or at least try to. It would’ve been worse if they’d had a relationship. It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything, did it? What Jonah and I had was more than physical. He and I shared a connection. We could talk to each other about anything and he understood me more than most.

  “How did it happen?” I asked.

  I didn’t want to know, but the need to ease my fears about it overrode that.

  “He jokingly suggested he could teach me when he found out I was a virgin… and I’d only ever kissed one boy.”

  That boy being me. Had he kissed this… Robin? The name made me want to punch a wall but I didn’t. I continued to stroke Jonah’s hair and hope I could stay calm enough to listen to the rest of this.

  “What started as a joke soon became serious. It’s not like I’m really attracted to him, to be honest. He’s a bit of a manwhore who will fuck anything with a pulse, but… but I wanted to know what it felt like. What I even liked. So we did everything… well, not everything, but you know, the basics.”

  I hated myself for wanting to know details. Jonah had that experience with some guy who clearly didn’t want anything other than sex. He deserved more. The man I was holding should have had someone to care for him. To love him.

  It should have been you. All of this should have been you.

  Those thoughts only fucked me up more.

  “That’s how you learnt you don’t like to top.”

  “I’m willing to try with you if you wanted to. It didn’t feel right with him.”

  I hadn’t actually considered it to be a possibility. I liked what we had now. Our dynamic was fine the way it was.

  “Honestly? I haven’t thought about it. You’re not unhappy with the way things are now, are you?”

  “No, I’m happy… more than happy. I’m just saying if you wanted to, then I would. I’d do anything for you, Raphi.”

  For some reason, it didn’t make me feel good. I didn’t want that kind of power over him. The bedroom was different. There I liked having control. Outside of it? I wanted Jonah to make his own choices.

  “And I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

  He turned his head up towards me, his green eyes so full of emotion.

  “I want to make you happy.”

  “You already do. I don’t need you to do more.”

  “Will you do something for me then?”

  I cocked my head to the side.

  “If you tell me what it is, I’ll certainly try.”

  He smiled then.

  “Can you put all of that aside for the rest of the night and give me something to remember you by whilst I’m away?”

  Chapter Thirty One

  It took me a long second to work out what he wanted from me. It had been my intention to end our night with sex, but after hearing about Robin, I wasn’t entirely in the mood. The whole thing left me with a sour taste in my mouth.

  How could I not give him what he wanted though? I already felt like I didn’t deserve him. Denying him something made me feel terrible. Especially since neither of us had made any plans to see each other before half-term. It would be a long time to go without having any physical contact.

  “Come here then,” I murmured.

  He shifted upright and straddled my lap. I let him lean forward and kiss me, his hands moving to tangle in my hair. It wasn’t full of our usual passion and fire, more sweet and gentle. Jonah could set the pace tonight. This was for him. To remind him I was his and he didn’t need to worry me going anywhere. His insecurities weighed heavily on me since I contributed to them by not being ready to open up to anyone else except Duke about our relationship.

  “I don’t want to go,” he whispered against my lips. “I hate that I have to be away from you.”

  “I know. It’s only a year and then you’ll be here in the city again.”

  He’d told me he’d be applying for a postgraduate place down here after getting some work experience. I could wait a year for him to be back here. I’d be busy with university myself, so I wasn’t too worried. We could survive it if we tried hard enough. If things didn’t get fucked up. If I could learn to accept who I was and be honest with the people I loved.

  I didn’t know if I was doing enough to reassure him as I gripped his hips and kissed him a little harder. He didn’t need to be scared. Or maybe he did. I had no idea at this point. My fucked up inability to stop this cycle of self-hatred concerned me. It’s like the more I tried to be okay with myself, the less I felt capable of it.

  Stop thinking about that. Concentrate on Jonah. He needs you right now.

  I had to shove aside everything else. His needs were the most important thing tonight.

  My hands went to his t-shirt, pushing it up his chest. He pulled back to allow me to discard it and mine too. I don’t think I’d ever get over how much I adored this man. His skin against mine. His handsome features. The way he shivered when I touched him.

  His hands roamed across my chest as he kissed me again. It felt like he was committing the contours of my body to memory. All the blood was rushing down to my cock, making me painfully hard.

  How the fuck could I go weeks without seeing him? I needed him as much as he needed me.

  “I want to taste you,” I whispered as my hand stroked down his hard cock. “I want you to fuck my mouth, J.”

  He groaned. I might not be particularly interested in letting him fuck me, I did love it when his dick was in my mouth. The way he panted and moaned. Giving him pleasure turned me on. I hadn’t asked him to take control before. It was always me dictating how things would go. Tonight I wanted something different.

  He pulled back and tugged his boxers off. I marvelled at the sight of this man I was captivated by. The man I was in love with. He rose up on his knees, bracing a hand against the wall whilst I leant forward and took his cock in my mouth. I wrapped a hand around his hip, encouraging him to give it to me. The other gripped his thigh as an anchor.

  “Fuck,” he whimpered as his dick sunk deeper.

  I kept my mouth wide enough so I could take him. His little pants gave me the impression he liked this. But it was his hand gripping the back of my head which confirmed it. He pulled back and shoved himself deeper, almost making me gag, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to do this.

  “Raphi, fuck, yes.”

  I stared up at him. He leant over me, his hand still planted on the wall and his breathing ragged. His eyes were wild with his desire and pent up need.

  That’s it, J, fuck my mouth. Take your pleasure from me. Come down my throat.

  I couldn’t say those words to him, but I hoped my expression and eyes betrayed my thoughts. All I wanted was to give him this night. Then he could survive without me when he was back at university. The desperation in his voice when he told me he needed me almost broke my heart clean in two. Only now did I realise how deeply his feelings for me ran. And it scared me. It shouldn’t, but my fears of disappointing him and fucking things up because I couldn’t cope with my own crap made it so.

  I don’t want to hurt him again. I have to get my shit togethe
r. For him.

  It should be for me, but I’d tried to do that many times. It didn’t work. Nothing I did worked. I was too screwed up in the head to ever be fixed. Sometimes I wondered if I even deserved to be. If I was even worth saving. Jonah clearly thought I was, but it didn’t matter what other people thought. It mattered what I saw. And it wasn’t anything good.

  Some days the only reason I even kept going was the knowledge it would hurt those I loved if I wasn’t here any longer. I knew what it was like to watch someone go through that kind of loss. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

  My focus should be on Jonah right now, not on my own self-pitying bullshit.

  I stared up at my beautiful man, whose movements were growing more erratic by the second. His grip on the back of my head tightened. I could feel him getting closer to the edge. His eyes had glazed over in his pursuit of an orgasm.

  Perhaps this would be enough for him tonight. Fuck knows I had too much shit on my mind to lose myself in it. And not being able to only fuelled my self-loathing. I wanted to be with him. To be in this fully. It wasn’t fair on him to be lost in my own crap.

  “Going to… fuck…”

  He shuddered above me as he came violently in my mouth. I let him, trying not to allow any of it to escape.

  I hope this makes you happy, J. I hope I’ve done enough to reassure you. Fuck, do I hope I’ve given you what you need.

  He pulled out of my mouth and slumped down in my lap. I swallowed before tugging him against me and stroking his back. Jonah rested his head on my shoulder, breathing heavily.

  “Okay?” I whispered.

  “Mmm.”

  I smiled. He was too high off coming to give me an actual response. I kissed his hair and held him tighter. My guilt over everything between us ate me up inside, but I shoved it away. I tried to keep some semblance of normality, then he wouldn’t know what was running through my mind.

  After a few minutes, he pulled back and smiled at me. He reached up and stroked my face.

  “Do you want me to?”

  I shook my head.