Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  I let out a guttural moan, my tears still soaking his skin when I came. All of my pent up fucking anger with myself seeped out of me. It drowned the both of us in this fucked up hell I’d consigned me and him to. He paid the price of my inability to be who I was. This beautiful, kind and caring man who deserved the entire world gave up pieces of his soul to be with me. And I couldn’t forgive myself for it.

  I pulled out of him, sitting up on my knees and dealing with the condom.

  “Turn over,” I murmured.

  He did as I asked, his green eyes wide as he took me in. I dumped the condom on the wrapper. I would throw it away later, but right now, I wanted to take care of him.

  Reaching out, I stroked my hand down his chest. I leant down and ran my tongue up his shaft, making him moan in response. My hand flattened on his stomach, keeping him pinned to the bed whilst my mouth closed over his cock. He whimpered and bucked under me. I only took him deeper in response, wanting to send him over the edge. Jonah was already worked up. I knew it wouldn’t take much. I’d fucked him the way he needed. Now I was going to make him come.

  His hand dug into my hair, grasping at the strands like he needed to hold on to something to keep him afloat. I wanted him drowning in me. Drowning in me like I fucking well drowned in him.

  “Raphi,” he whined. “Please.”

  I increased my pace, knowing it would be a matter of moments. And when he did explode, I tasted the saltiness on my tongue as his cock pumped inside my mouth. His fingers were wrapped up so tight in my hair, it hurt. I didn’t give a shit. I deserved it. I deserved all the pain and agony I experienced for keeping someone who should be free from my fucked up messy bullshit. For making him mine when I had no fucking right to this man.

  When he let me go, I pulled off him, swallowing. I picked up our discarded supplies, getting up to chuck some of it in the bin and set the rest on the desk. Then I lay down next to him and curled my body around his, resting my head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, stroking my hair with one hand.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he whispered.

  He was referring to what I’d said when I was fucking him.

  “No. Just be here with me, please.”

  “Okay.” He kissed my hair. “I’m here. I’m right here. I’ll always be here.”

  And that was the problem. The whole fucking problem. He should be saving himself from me, but he wasn’t. I wondered if, eventually, I would have the strength. If I could let him go for his own good. So he could find someone who deserved him in all the ways I didn’t.

  Right now, I didn’t have the strength… but would it be too late when I could?

  Would the damage already be done?

  You know deep down how he feels about you even if he’s never said it. You know, Raphi. He loves you more than he loves anything in this world. Maybe more than Meredith. Don’t fucking kid yourself otherwise.

  The biggest problem I had with letting him go was I loved him too. It’s why I wouldn’t talk about it. Why I wouldn’t admit it. If I did, it would force the conversation out into the open. It would force me to break his heart. And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t shred him to pieces and leave him with scars like mine. It would destroy me. Ruin me entirely.

  And fuck… I deserved it for everything I’d done to him.

  I deserved it.

  I deserved it all.

  Chapter Thirty Six

  The weekend hadn’t been entirely easy between me and Raphi. Not after the way he’d cried on Friday night and told me how much my absence was hurting him. He hadn’t brought it up again. It was if he purged his soul to me during sex and now he was trying to forget it ever happened.

  We went out yesterday, enjoying the autumn sunshine and did a spot of shopping. It had been nice to be with each other. And he held my hand all day. It showed me how much he was trying. How he wanted to make an effort to be open about us even if it was only in the smallest of ways.

  Now he was napping as we’d had a lazy day in bed filled with sex, TV shows and snacks. Raphi looked troubled as he slept. His face was marred with frown lines. He wasn’t looking forward to me leaving. And in all honesty, neither was I. Not when he needed me. I mean, really needed me. I kept thinking about his words, replaying them over and over in my head. Hearing the desperation in his shaky voice as he said them echoing in my ears.

  “I would break if you were gone. I would fucking disintegrate.”

  Did he think I would leave him? Fuck, I couldn’t. I loved him. He was the sun and stars to me. I wanted a future with him. Raphi was my person. My fucking one. I couldn’t imagine anyone else taking his place. He belonged next to me.

  I stroked his chestnut hair back from his forehead, hoping to soothe away the worry etched on his sleeping face.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered. “I’m here and I’m yours.” I kissed his cheek. “I love you.”

  It was the first time I’d admitted it out loud. I couldn’t say it when he was awake. My beautiful broken boy wasn’t in a place to hear it. He wasn’t ready.

  “I want you forever, Raphi. If I told you that, I’d scare you, but it’s true.” I placed my hand over his heart. “There’s so much I want to tell you but only when you’re ready. Like how much I love you. How I want to marry you and have a family with you. We could work it out, adopt or something, but it’s what I want… so much.”

  I felt stupid saying these things to him when he was sleeping. I had to admit to them. Give my feelings a voice because all of this was fucking killing me. I wanted to make him better. Slay his fucking demons to allow him to be at peace with himself. So he could look at the future and not be afraid. I wanted him to be happy. To be content.

  It’s why you don’t treat the ones you love. You can’t remain detached when your feelings are engaged. It didn’t stop me wanting to try. I needed to help him. I wanted to save him from himself. It hurt to watch him go through all this shit. The pain was agonising. But I did it anyway. I stayed because I loved him with every breath I took. Every beat of my heart was his. He’d always held it in his fist. My heart belonged to him alone. And it always would.

  I watched him sleeping and etched all of his features into my memory. I was terrified of losing the person I loved more than life itself. Afraid he would disappear on me and his ability to cope would run out.

  Raphi needed help. Real help. But I knew in my heart he wouldn’t ask for it. He wasn’t there yet. Where he knew it was okay if he couldn’t fix it himself. It wasn’t a weakness.

  I knew even without him having a proper diagnosis what was happening to him. I studied this shit. It’s what I wanted to help people who suffered from it with. At the barest minimum, he had depression but I wasn’t technically qualified to make that judgement. It’s what I’d witnessed through knowing him the way I did. And only he could decide to go get a proper diagnosis.

  I knew he’d spoken to his dad about his feelings of self-loathing. Eric had suggested he seek therapy. Raphi hadn’t been receptive to it. It’s why I didn’t press the subject either. I didn’t want him thinking I was trying to analyse him. I wasn’t. I worried about him and his wellbeing.

  I worried about him so much, sometimes it kept me awake at night. It kept me from focusing on what I should be doing, which was finishing my degree, getting some work experience, then I could do my postgraduate studies. He would hate it and blame himself. I kept my mouth shut and dealt with it for his sake. To keep him from imploding under his self-imposed guilt. It’s why I didn’t push him to tell everyone we were together. But I wanted him to. If only so I could stop lying to my sister about it. She was the one person I wanted to tell. Meredith would be happy for me. For us. She wanted me to find love.

  Raphi stirred, opening his eyes and blinking. They focused on me a moment later.

  “Were you watching me sleep?” he asked, his voice all groggy.

  “Maybe.”

  He closed h
is eyes again.

  “You’re lucky you’re so cute or I’d find it creepy.”

  He yawned and snuggled closer to me, burying his face in my chest and nuzzling his nose against it.

  “Cute?”

  “Mmm, as a button.”

  If anyone was cute right now, it was him cuddling up to me.

  “I would prefer it if you thought I was sexy or something.”

  “Oh, I do think that as well, but mostly, you’re just cute and adorable.” He wrapped an arm around me and stroked my back. “How long have I been asleep?”

  I looked at my watch.

  “An hour or so.”

  “Did you sleep?”

  “No, wasn’t tired. Kept watch over you instead.”

  He pulled back and smiled up at me.

  “My hero.”

  My heart hurt at his words even though he was being sarcastic. I wasn’t his hero. I couldn’t save him despite me trying so hard to. He couldn’t know about the pain this was causing me.

  I leant closer and kissed him. He responded, holding me closer as his tongue slid between my lips. I tried not to get aroused by it since we didn’t have time for more sex.

  When I moved back, I cupped his cheek, stroking my thumb across it.

  I need you to be your own hero for me, Raphi. I need it so fucking badly. Save yourself before it’s too late.

  “I have to get up.”

  I didn’t elaborate on the reason. We both knew I had a train to catch.

  He let me pull away and climb out of bed. He watched me dress and pack my bag with sad eyes. I found the last vestiges of my inner strength and steeled myself against the waves of guilt and pain. I was leaving him here and it fucking killed me.

  Raphi got dressed since he was insisting on coming along to see me off. I didn’t stop him. The two of us were silent on the journey to St Pancras. He leant his head on my shoulder whilst we sat on the tube next to each other, his fingers tightly entwined with mine. When we trudged through the underground and up to the station, he seemed to get more and more agitated. The two of us stood near the barriers by the platform, staring at each other as if we couldn’t yet say goodbye.

  “Text me when you get home, yeah?” he said, his voice a little rough,

  “I will.”

  I squeezed his hand to reassure him. His eyes searched my face for a long moment. I really had to go, but I was waiting for something from him. One last lingering look. Raphi let out a breath then he stepped closer. His hand slid from mine. Both of his were on my face, bringing me closer. And there, in a busy station, Raphi kissed me. He kissed me in front of hundreds of people. I almost died on the spot. Instead, my hands fisted in his coat. The kiss warmed me from the inside out. When he pulled back, he pressed his nose to mine for a moment.

  “Safe trip, J.”

  I swallowed hard and smiled at him. My heart was ready to burst, but I wouldn’t make it into a big deal.

  “See you at half-term.”

  He released me and I walked away to the barriers. I turned back after I went through. He was standing there, smiling at me and gave me a wave. I smiled before I walked up the platform and got on the train.

  As it pulled away from the platform, I stared out of the window knowing I’d left a piece of myself on the platform with him. He already had my heart, but now, Raphael Nelson had something bigger. He had a part of my soul.

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  I sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee as I stared out the window at the dreary weather. It had been raining non-stop for two days. It echoed the misery inside me. It’d been two weeks since I’d been down to see Raphi and I was suffering. Lovesickness could do that to a person. Make them ache with longing for the one they cared about.

  Raphi had become withdrawn and uncommunicative, which didn’t help. We did talk a lot, but he refused to tell me how he was doing emotionally. Every time I attempted to ask, he shut down and said he’d speak to me later. I didn’t want to stop trying to get him to open up to me. He needed someone to talk to about his feelings.

  Damien walked into the kitchen in a dressing gown with his hair in disarray. He stuck the kettle on and rubbed his face. It was early, but I’d not been able to sleep much last night. Too busy worrying about my boyfriend. I needed to see him in the flesh. Needed to hold him tight and tell him I was there. Show him he wasn’t alone.

  “Remind me again why we agreed to let the dickhead have a party later?”

  “It’s his birthday,” I said, shrugging as Damien leant up against the counter.

  Robin had twisted our arms over it. It was his twenty-first. He wanted a house party to celebrate rather than going out and hitting the clubs. Now the weather had turned shit, I couldn’t really blame him. Damien and I weren’t the clubbing types, anyway. Neither of us really drank much as it was.

  “Still a pain. It’ll be loud, people getting pissed to fuck and whatever else. If anyone is sick, he’s cleaning it up.”

  “He knows that.”

  I’d been avoiding Robin a lot. He’d been acting weird ever since I’d told the two of them I had a boyfriend. It’s not like I brought Raphi up often.

  “Why do you look so miserable?”

  I looked up at Damien who was grabbing a mug out of the cupboard.

  “No reason.”

  “Hmm, yeah, okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shrugged.

  “I’ll take that as a no. Did you invite your boyfriend to the party?”

  I looked down at my mug, tapping my fingers against my phone, which was resting on the kitchen table.

  “I told Raphi about it, but it’s a long trip to come to a party for someone he doesn’t even know.”

  He wasn’t too happy about it. He didn’t like Robin even though he’d never met my housemate. After the way Robin had started acting, I didn’t entirely blame Raphi. Robin kept making these snide little comments about me being in a relationship. Like how the single life was so much more fun than being tied down to one person. It was stupid considering I’d never indulged in the ‘single life’ anyway. The only reckless thing I’d done was sleep with Robin once. I knew better than to do stupid shit like that again.

  “True, but it must be hard being away from each other.”

  I sipped my coffee and stared out the window again.

  “It is. I miss him all the time.”

  Damien didn’t say anything else for a long moment whilst he finished making himself a cup of tea. Then he came and sat at the table, running his fingers through his messy hair.

  “What’s he like?”

  “Raphi? He’s…” How did I even describe the love of my life? There didn’t seem to be words which adequately explained who he was and how much I cared about him. “He’s funny, smart and sweet. It’s strange, but he’s the person I can sit in silence with and feel… content… happy. It’s as if we don’t need to fill the void with words because we’re together. Like, he’s not perfect by any means, but he’s the only person who just gets me without the need for explanation and I do the same for him.” I shrugged and fiddled with my mug. “I just… love him.”

  Damien eyed me for a long moment.

  “If you love him, why do you sound so sad about it?”

  Raphi didn’t make me sad in any way shape or form. It was the pain of being unable to help him.

  “He’s got problems and all I want to do is make it better for him.”

  “What kind of problems?”

  I sipped my coffee again, trying to work out if I should tell Damien the truth. We’d always got on quite well even if we never discussed anything super personal. Maybe I’d feel better if I told someone about how hard it was for me to cope with Raphi’s issues. Damien and Robin were the only people who knew about Raphi. Not like I could talk to my sister about it.

  “Well, he’s not had any official diagnosis, but I know he has depression. He has a hard time seein
g himself positively and some days, he shuts down. The hardest part is knowing he won’t ask for help. He thinks he has to fix himself, but we all need help. We all need someone. I want to be his someone even though he won’t let me. At least not like that.”

  “I can see why that would be hard for you given what you’re planning on doing in life. Not being able to help the person you care about the most even though it’s what you’re training for.”

  I nodded. Maybe when I was qualified, I’d be better at this shit. Right now, I could do nothing more than be there for him. Show him I’d never leave and he was worth everything. He would always be worth the heartache.

  “He can’t even accept he’s bisexual. The only person who knows we’re together is his older brother. It’s hard for me, but he’s trying to be more open about us. I mean, he kissed me in front of hundreds of strangers at the train station, but he won’t tell his parents. Meredith doesn’t even know and the two of them are friends. It’s not like he’s homophobic or anything. He has a bi dad and a pan dad, but it’s his own self-image which is the problem. I don’t put pressure on him to tell people because he’s already hard on himself over it. Watching someone you love punish themselves for things they can’t control is the worst thing imaginable.”

  Damien gave me a sad smile like he got where I was coming from.

  “He has two dads?”

  That made me smile.

  “Technically he has four and a mum, along with two brothers and a sister. I know it sounds really messed up, but they work somehow. His family is probably the most loving I’ve ever met in the sense they all support each other no matter what.”

  I swear Damien’s eyes were bugging out of their sockets.

  “Hold on, are they’re like all together? All five of them?”