Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  “It’s going to be hard for you to wrap your head around this, but all four of them are in a relationship with his mum. Two of them are straight and the other two, the bi and pan ones, are like together with each other as well.”

  Damien sat back and shook his head.

  “Well, shit, that’s enough to fuck any kid up for life.”

  “They’re mostly well-adjusted actually, you’d be surprised at how normal their family is. Raphi got bullied the worst over the whole five parents thing, and I think that’s where it all started… his issues I mean.”

  Honestly, after I’d spent some time with his parents, I understood what Raphi meant when he told me they weren’t bad people. They really weren’t. Just because they’d done bad shit in the past, didn’t mean they were evil. They protected themselves and their family. Not that I agreed with their choices. I didn’t have to. It was a long time ago and holding it against them felt wrong.

  “That’s rough. No one should give you shit for something you can’t control.”

  “Yeah.”

  We heard a crash from outside the kitchen before Robin walked into the room without a care in the world.

  “Morning.”

  “What was that noise?” Damien asked.

  Robin shrugged and walked over to the fridge. Damien frowned. Had Robin been eavesdropping on our conversation? I didn’t want to ask but I had my suspicions.

  “Do you need us to help get supplies for later?” I asked.

  “No, no. I told you, I’ve got it all covered,” Robin replied, waving his hand.

  I got up, snagging my mug and walking away towards the door.

  “Okay, but if you need anything, let me know. I’ll be in my room.”

  I made my way upstairs, trying to fight a niggling feeling in the back of my head I’d forgotten something. Instead, I thought about the fact Robin had probably heard what I’d said about Raphi. And it couldn’t be a good thing.

  Damien wouldn’t be a dick over the fact Raphi wasn’t open about my relationship with him. Robin would. He’d think I was stupid for being with someone like that. He wouldn’t understand why my boyfriend struggled so much. Why I let him come to terms with it in his own time. You do crazy shit for the people you love, but that was the thing. I loved him without reservation. Without conditions. I’d do anything for him.

  Hopefully, Robin wouldn’t say a fucking word or he’d be admitting to eavesdropping on a conversation he had no business hearing in the first place. I didn’t need his judgement. I didn’t need anyone else butting into my relationship.

  All I needed was Raphi. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just him and me together. I’d fight forever to stay by his side. I’d fight as long as he’d have me.

  I loved him enough for both of us.

  Chapter Thirty Eight

  I’d come home for the weekend knowing if I was alone right now, it wouldn’t be a good thing. Not when Robin was having a party at their house. I knew Jonah wouldn’t do anything stupid, but I didn’t trust his housemate. The housemate he’d slept with. The whole thing still angered me, but I’d tried to get over it. Not very well, I might add.

  Duke and I were in the games room. I was half-heartedly playing co-op with him, but I couldn’t focus. Not when Jonah hadn’t texted me since early this morning after he’d got up. We were usually in constant communication over the weekend. I was trying not to let it agitate me, but it was. I felt all sorts of crazy and slightly unhinged. I kept imaging horrifying scenarios as to why he’d not replied to my messages. Like what if he’d got into an accident? What if someone had hurt him? All stupid shit I shouldn’t be worried about because it was completely irrational.

  “For fuck’s sake, Raphi,” Duke grunted as he nudged my arm. “Are you even paying attention?”

  I looked up at the screen, finding he’d died and my character was standing there doing fuck all.

  “Sorry.”

  “What’s wrong with you today?”

  “Everything.”

  He gave me a look.

  “I’m worried about J.”

  He continued looking at me.

  “What?”

  “What do you mean, what? You need to stop overthinking shit. He’s fine. You’re fine. What’s not fine is you fucking up our play-through.”

  “I’m not fine, Duke.” I rubbed my face. “I’m so not fine.”

  I didn’t lie to him about my emotional state. He was the only one I opened up to. I’d been fobbing Jonah off because I didn’t want to burden him with my shit. Not when he had to get through his third year of university and graduate. He needed to concentrate on that, not me. Not on my fucked up bullshit. I should be dealing with me.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “What’s the point? It doesn’t change no matter what I say. I’m tired and I hate him being hundreds of miles away.”

  “You could have gone to the party, you know. I would’ve taken you.”

  I didn’t want to go to Robin’s birthday party. I had no interest in meeting him. Ever. Besides, I didn’t trust myself not to do something stupid like punching him in the face. Not that I was even the violent type. I’d never hit anyone in my life, but the fucker rubbed me up the wrong way.

  “I know, but it’s better this way. I would’ve just brought J down.”

  “You really need to stop thinking like that. Just accept he wants to be with you without all this other shit. He doesn’t care if you’re having a bad day. He’ll be there anyway because he cares about you. I mean, fuck, the guy blatantly loves the shit out of you.”

  I flinched. I knew Jonah loved me. It didn’t make this any easier. It didn’t stop the doubts. And it certainly didn’t stop me from feeling like I didn’t deserve someone like him.

  My phone vibrated several times, making me frown. I tugged it out of my pocket and stared down at the screen. There were several picture messages from Jonah which was unusual since he normally didn’t send me anything like that. I opened them up and my stomach dropped. Anger flooded my veins.

  What the fuck?

  There were pictures of Jonah talking to various people with a drink in his hand with a smile on his face.

  Jonah: Your boyfriend is enjoying himself without you.

  Jonah: Or should I really call him that since you can’t even admit you’re together.

  Jonah: Maybe I should try again with him. Not like you’re giving him what he needs.

  Then another picture message came through and this time it was of someone I didn’t recognise. I didn’t need to because I knew exactly who the fuck it was.

  Robin.

  What the hell was this? How on earth did he know I couldn’t tell people Jonah and I were in a relationship? I knew Jonah wouldn’t have talked about it to him. How the fuck had he found out? And why the fuck did he have Jonah’s phone?

  This was clearly why Jonah hadn’t texted me today. Robin had his phone. And the cunt was taunting me.

  “I need you to take me to St Pancras.”

  “What?” Duke asked, frowning at me.

  “I have to go see Jonah right now. Take me to the station because it would take too long to drive up there.”

  “Why? You said you didn’t want to go to this party.”

  I shoved my phone at him.

  “This is why! That fucker Robin has J’s phone.”

  Duke took it from me and looked over the messages, his eyebrows shooting up. I’d told Duke about Robin and Jonah. He’d been on my side over it. If it was him, he wouldn’t like his woman being around someone she’d slept with.

  “What a prick. Who the fuck does he think he is?”

  “Exactly. Who the fuck does he think he is giving me shit over something he doesn’t even know a thing about.”

  Duke got up, giving my phone back to me.

  “Right, let’s go. This fucker isn’t going to mess with you and him.”

  I jumped up and the t
wo of us walked out of the games room, leaving the TV on and not even bothering to exit our game. We got coats and shoes on. Duke grabbed the car keys and then we were out on the street, getting in the car. I hadn’t learnt how to drive, but Duke had.

  “I’m coming with you to Durham,” he told me as he pulled out on the main street.

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “If you think I’m letting you go up there alone, you’re fucking delusional. You need me.”

  My heart hurt at his words. He was right. I did need him. Duke and I would do anything for each other.

  Duke parked the car in the nearby carpark at the station. The two of us got tickets, jumping on the next available train. The whole way to Durham I was a fucking wreck worrying about Jonah. I was also mad as hell. So mad I was liable to do something stupid, but I no longer cared. I cared about Jonah. He was mine. Robin needed to be put in his fucking place.

  I swear I’d lost my mind or something because I wouldn’t normally do something like this. Jump on a train and travel for three hours because some idiot had taunted me. It was the thought of someone messing with Jonah which brought out all of my instincts to keep him safe. I had to protect him. Protect what was mine.

  When we reached Durham, Duke and I jumped in a taxi. Jonah had given me his address, so we had no problems getting there. It had been well over three hours since I’d got those text messages and it looked like the party was in full swing now. It made me angrier than ever.

  I knocked at the front door, Duke hanging back behind me since he told me he was here for moral support. It was opened by someone I really didn’t recognise.

  “Hello, um, are you here for the party?”

  “No, I’m here to see Jonah.”

  The guy’s eyebrows rose.

  “Are you… are you Raphi?”

  I nodded, wondering who this was.

  “Oh, he said you weren’t coming. Hold on, come in… I’m Damien.”

  Jonah’s other housemate who he’d told me was a really nice guy if a little quiet and reserved.

  “Hi, Jonah’s told me about you. This is my brother, Duke. Where’s Jonah?”

  Damien stepped back and let us both in.

  “He’s… somewhere. To be honest, I don’t know. Hold on, I’ll go find him for you.”

  Damien walked off down the hallway. Duke looked at me, but I was too busy staring at someone who’d walked out of what I assumed was the living room.

  Robin.

  “Well, hello, I haven’t seen you two—”

  He said no more because my fist connected with his jaw, causing to stumble backwards into the wall. I didn’t stop there, I hit him again. The only reason I wasn’t able to do it a third time was because my brother grabbed my arm and pulled me back. Robin had his hand on his face, staring at me in shock.

  “What the fuck, man?”

  “That’s for trying to fuck with me and Jonah. Where is his phone? You stole it, right?”

  Robin’s eyes widened. I tried to loosen Duke’s hold on me, but he didn’t let go.

  “You’re his boyfriend?”

  “Yeah, I fucking am and I don’t appreciate you butting into shit you don’t know anything about.”

  Robin put his other hand up.

  “Jesus, it was just a joke, man. There was no need to hit me.”

  I glared at him, wanting to punch him until his face was all messed up.

  “Oh, trust me, there was every need. You stay away from Jonah, you hear me?”

  “What’s going on? Why are you shouting?” came Jonah’s voice as him and Damien came out from the kitchen. His eyes went wide when he saw me. “Raphi? Duke? What… what are you doing here? Are you okay?”

  I shook my fist out because it hurt from hitting Robin. Duke didn’t let me go. It was probably a good thing because I really wasn’t done with Robin.

  “No, this prick stole your phone and decided to taunt me.” I pointed at Robin who was rubbing his jaw still.

  Jonah looked at Robin with a frown before patting himself down.

  “Where’s my phone?”

  Robin tugged something out of his pocket and handed it to Jonah. I pulled at Duke’s hold on me, not wanting Jonah anywhere near Robin.

  Mine. He’s mine. No one else can touch him. That man is mine.

  Jonah looked through the messages Robin had sent me, his frown deepening. Then he raised his head and there was this horrified look on his face. He ignored everyone else and came towards me. Duke let me go. Jonah wrapped me up in his arms, holding me against him.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Raphi,” he whispered. “I had no idea.”

  I hated the fact he was apologising. He had no reason to be sorry. No reason at all.

  “It’s not your fault.”

  No, it was Robin’s. And mine. Having Jonah right there calmed my warring soul and made me realise what I’d just done. I’d punched a guy in the face with very little provocation because I’d lost my mind over the idea of him touching Jonah. The idea anyone would steal him from me.

  Who does that? This wasn’t me. I didn’t hit people. Violence was never the answer. And yet I’d hit Robin. Twice.

  Who are you right now?

  “Should we go up to my room and talk?”

  I nodded, still glaring at Robin over Jonah’s shoulder. I noticed Damien was looking at his housemate with disgust too. At least I wasn’t the only one who thought Robin was a cunt.

  Jonah pulled away, reaching up and stroking my face. There was sadness in his eyes and it fucking broke me. The whole thing had broken me already. I was so messed up. I’d travelled over three hours to punch someone in the face. It was proof I’d lost it. Proof I’d gone off the rails. I’d never been violent in my whole entire life. I’d sworn to myself I would never hurt another person like that after going through it myself.

  My hands shook at my sides. The weight of everything crashed down on me.

  Keep it together. Don’t fall apart now.

  Jonah turned and looked at Robin.

  “That was a shitty thing to do and you know it. I don’t care what your excuse is. My relationship with Raphi is none of your business. So quite frankly, you can fuck off.”

  Jonah took my hand and pulled me upstairs. I looked back at Duke but he nodded at me. He’d be okay whilst I talked to Jonah. Whilst I dealt with what happened.

  Jonah shut the door behind us when we got in his room. I didn’t take in my surroundings because all I could see was him.

  “Raphi…”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, don’t you apologise.” He stepped towards me and cupped my face with both his hands. “What he did was really fucked up and not remotely okay.”

  “I shouldn’t have hit him. I don’t hurt people. That’s not me. Why did I hit him? Oh my god. What is wrong with me?”

  “Shh, it’s okay.”

  My body trembled with the force of my emotions. It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t remotely okay. I couldn’t do this any longer. I was broken. Utterly broken. Jonah deserved much more than this. More than me. He deserved the world.

  I didn’t recognise myself staring at the boy I loved with every inch of my being. This wasn’t me. This person who got jealous and did stupid things like hit people.

  I hate this. I hate me. I hate everything I’ve done. This isn’t what he needs. He shouldn’t have to deal with me. He should have someone who loves him and is open. Who can give him the world because I can’t do that. I’m not capable of it.

  “I’m… I’m sorry,” I whispered even though he’d told me not to apologise.

  I wasn’t apologising for Robin.

  I wasn’t apologising for coming here.

  I was apologising for what I was about to do.

  For breaking his heart.

  I had to for his sake. I had to save him from me. Set him free so he could be with someone who deserved him.

  Bec
ause I didn’t.

  Chapter Thirty Nine

  The way Raphi was looking at me physically pained me. It’s like he had come to some horrifying realisation in his head. I didn’t care if he’d hit Robin. Quite frankly, Robin deserved it after the shit he’d pulled. I felt bad for not realising I didn’t have my phone on me. It’s not that I hadn’t thought about Raphi or wondered how he was. I was waiting for him to text me.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Jonah.”

  I frowned.

  “Do what?”

  “This. Everything. I can’t… I’m broken. I’m so fucking broken.”

  I pulled him closer, resting my forehead against his.

  “It’s okay. I know you’re hurting and I know it’s hard, but it’s okay. I’m here.”

  He shook his head but didn’t step away.

  “You can’t fix me, J.”

  “I’m not trying to fix you.” I wasn’t. I just wanted to help him get better. Help him through this by standing by his side. “I want you to be happy, Raphi. I’m here for you. That’s it.”

  I watched a tear leak out of his eye and it fucking killed me.

  “I can’t be happy. How can I be happy when I hate myself? I hate everything about me. Everything.”

  His words tore through me. They hurt because he couldn’t see how wonderful he was. How amazing and precious he was to me.

  “I know you do. It’s okay to feel that way. You just need help to find yourself again.”

  He shook his head harder and more tears fell down his face. The sight of it destroyed something inside me.

  “No.” He wrenched himself away from me. “No. It’s not okay. Nothing about this is okay. I fucking well came up here so I could hit your housemate for being a prick. It’s not normal behaviour. I’m not normal and I’m not okay.”

  I watched him pace away, running his fingers through his hair and leaving it sticking up.

  “You don’t get it. I’m not right and all I’m doing is hurting you.”

  “What? That’s not true, you’re not hurting me, Raphi.”

  “Yes. I am. I’m hurting you because it hurts you to see me like this. It hurts you so fucking much but you stay silent. You suffer in silence like me because you and I are the fucking same. It’s just you’re okay with being who you are and I’m not. I’m fucking well not.”