The Rocker Who Shatters Me

by Terri Anne Browning

  I turned my phone off and put it in my back pocket then leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. I just needed a little time to calm down without everyone blowing up my phone with text messages about something that I couldn’t even deal with until the vans stopped.

  The van drove on and I tried to calm my breathing, hoping that would help with my headache. It didn’t. I was pretty sure that I could actually feel my pulse in my eyelids when I heard someone’s phone start chiming. When Zander snorted, I lifted my eyes open to look at him. “What now?”

  “Dev says he’s sorry.” Zander lifted his amused eyes from his phone, but there was a seriousness in their depths as well. “The dude is a mess, Nat. Turn your phone back on and talk to the poor bastard.”

  “He can stay sorry until we get back. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.”

  Linc suddenly grabbed my wrist, his fingers moving over my pulse. “Natalie, your heart is racing. Your face is flushed and not just because you’re pissed off. Your blood pressure is probably off the walls. No wonder your head is hurting.”

  “I’ll be okay in a little while. Just leave me alone.” I closed my eyes again and did some yoga breathing. By the time the van pulled to a stop in the parking lot just outside the venue where the guys would perform the next day, my heart rate had calmed down considerably and I couldn’t feel my pulse beating behind my eyes anymore.

  That all changed the moment the door to the van opened and Drake jerked Zander out of the vehicle by his shirt. Damn. Zander landed on his feet, but from the force of Drake’s shove he staggered back several steps. I rushed to get out, putting myself between my oldest brother and my friend.

  “You fucking bastard,” Drake roared, trying to move around me to get to Zander. “My sister is not some fucking toy that you can play with. You and Devlin think it was funny to make a bet about who could nail her?” His face twisted in disgust. “What the fuck, man?”

  “Drake…” Lana tried to grab his hand but he stepped away before she could touch him. Zander walked backwards away from him, but Drake followed. I had no choice but to follow Zander or Drake would have already been throwing punches.

  The last van pulled to a stop behind the one I’d just jumped out of. I turned to watch Shane open the door, but Devlin was at the back of the bus. “Let’s go, motherfucker.”

  I watched as Devlin climbed out of the van, looking almost calm as he straightened to his full height and faced his friend. I was torn between wanting to save Zander and needing to save the man I loved.

  “It’s okay, Nat.” Zander touched both my shoulders, stopping his retreat from Drake. “Go on and deal with Dev.” He blew out a resigned breath. “I should have had the guts to face your brothers before now.”

  I didn’t have time to give Zander a pat on the back for finally taking responsibility for his stupid actions. Shane was already yelling at Devlin and Devlin wasn’t backing down.

  “My sister was the chick from the bet you told me about, wasn’t she?” Shane demanded.

  “Yes,” Devlin answered through gritted teeth. “But—”

  He didn’t get the chance to say anything else before Shane was punching him in the face. Devlin stumbled back a step, but otherwise didn’t move. I rushed forward to try and get between them but strong arms wrapped around me from behind before I could reach them.

  “Jesse.” I kicked my legs out behind me, trying to get free. I knew it was him simply from the ink on the arms around me. “Let me go. Shane is going to hurt him.”

  “It’s nothing he doesn’t deserve, Nat,” Nik assured me while standing beside the bald drummer. “Looks like Dev understands that, too. He’s taking it like a man.”

  Tears filled my eyes when Shane punched Devlin again. Still Devlin didn’t back away. When the third hit connected with his mouth, I couldn’t hold back my cry and struggled against Jesse’s hold even more. “Stop it!” I screamed. “Shane, please.”

  “He treated you like shit, Nat,” Jesse grumbled. “Why would you want him to stop?”

  I kicked my legs harder and connected with Jesse’s shins, but he still held onto me. I’d barely fazed him. “Because I love him!” I cried.

  All around me everyone seemed to stop at my confession. The crowd of rockers, roadies, and wives didn’t say a word as they watched the drama that we had created. I heard someone grunt from somewhere behind me, followed by the distinct sound of Drake cursing. Shane and stared at me with a glare on his face, but my eyes were on the man behind my brother.

  Devlin stood statue-still, blood beading on his lips, his eyes wide in surprise. “You…” He swallowed hard and cleared his throat before trying again. “Y-you love me?”

  Jesse’s hold on me relaxed enough and I pushed free of it. I pushed Nik out of my way, then shoved Shane back before finally turning to face Devlin. “Of course I love you, you idiot.” I lifted a trembling hand to skim my fingers over his bleeding lip. “Why did you just let him hit you like that?” I demanded.

  He caught hold of my hand and pressed his lips to the center of my palm. “Because I deserved it. Letting your brother hit me was the least I could take for hurting you the way I did.”

  “That’s all sweet and shit, but I’m not done with you, Cutter,” Shane bit out. I turned to face my brother, finally getting to put my body between Devlin and the murderous rage still burning in my brother’s eyes.

  Drake had Zander by the shirt again and stopped beside Shane before pushing Zander toward me. I caught his arm to steady him, not wanting him to fall. The blood coming from his nose and the way his eye was swelling told me that Drake had gotten in a few good hits. “So you love that one.” Drake nodded his head at Devlin. “But what about this one? Do you forgive him?”

  “Yeah, of course I do.” I patted Zander on the arm but Devlin made a growling sound and pulled my hand away. I rolled my eyes at him before turning back to the angry Stevenson men standing like angels of death in front of us. “Look, this was exactly what I didn’t want. For you two to get pissed off and start throwing your fists around. That’s why I asked Emmie not to say anything…” I broke off when my brothers’ eyes widened and they turned their glare on Emmie.

  Emmie grimaced, but didn’t back down under the force of their matching glares.

  “You knew all about this, didn’t you?” Drake demanded.

  “How could you not tell us, Em?” Shane sounded hurt.

  Emmie stepped forward, putting herself between me and the two big, beautiful Demons that were my brothers. “Because when you accepted Natalie and Jenna back into your lives, I accepted them both as part of our family. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but when she asked me to keep her confidence I didn’t hesitate. I love her just as much as anyone else in our family. If either of you had asked me to keep something like that from her, I would have. I can’t pick and choose whom I’m going to be loyal to. It was hard not telling you, but I’d do it again if I she asked me to.”

  Her answer didn’t do anything to soften the hardness of Shane and Drake’s faces but it made me feel loved. I knew that Emmie cared about me, but I’d always thought that she’d kept the bet a secret because I worked for her and didn’t want Drake and Shane to do anything stupid any more than I had. Not because she considered me family. That she loved me that much, to chance having two of the men who had basically dedicated their lives to watching over her pissed off at her, warmed me more than I could possibly ever tell her. When they didn’t say anything, just stood there glaring at her, she let out a pained sigh and moved out of the way. It wasn’t often that any of the Demons were upset with Emmie.

  Harper pushed through the crowd that had surrounded us so that she could reach Shane. Without hesitating she put her hand on his arm. That one touch seemed to calm my brother more than anything else ever could. He looked down at her, his rage fading as those blue-gray eyes identical to my own filled with love. “You got to do your brotherly duty. You punched him, and he let you. That takes guts.
She says she loves him, and from the way he’s looking at her like some love-struck fool, the feeling is mutual.”

  I gasped at her description of the way Devlin was looking at me and turned to see if it was true. His eyes were bright, his lips tilted upward in a smile even though they were bleeding. Was that the look of a man in love? Glancing back at Shane and seeing the same look on his face, I realized that, yeah, it definitely was.

  Swallowing hard, I tried not to look at Devlin again. I couldn’t yet. Realizing that the man I loved also loved me back was something that I wanted to process alone. Not here in front of everyone I had to deal with on a daily basis for another two months.

  Harper cupped Shane’s jaw in her hand and gave him a soft smile. “Let it go, baby. Your job is done.”

  Shane blew out a long sigh, kissed his wife hungrily for a moment and then turned to glare at Devlin over my head. “You’d better be good to my sister, fucker.”

  Beside Drake, Lana wrapped her arms around his waist as much as she could with her baby bump. She didn’t say anything, but nudged him with her elbow. He brushed a kiss over her brow, pulling her as close as she could possible get. His glare wasn’t nearly as harsh as Shane’s was. “If you hurt her again I will destroy you.” He turned the glare on Zander. “Both of you.”

  Zander raised his hands. “Lesson learned, dude. Lesson learned.”

  I felt Devlin’s fingers stroking over my short hair, but still couldn’t look at him. Soon, I promised my pounding heart. Soon I would look at him and deal with the fullness that had invaded my heart with the knowledge that he loved me. When Devlin spoke, his voice was rough and raspy. “I can’t promise not to make her cry again, but I can swear on my soul to never hurt her.”

  Shane and Drake absorbed their answers for a moment and then the rest of their anger seemed to evaporate before my eyes. Shane stuck his hand out first, and soon so did Drake. That it was my brothers making the first move warmed my heart further. They loved me, unconditionally, and were willing to put their own anger aside to make me happy. Zander shook Drake’s hand first, then Shane’s. Devlin lowered his hand from my hair to my waist and stepped forward to shake their hands.

  I breathed a sigh of relief that it was all over and that no one had been left broken, even if there had been some bloodshed. I would gladly thank all of Emmie’s gods that no one needed medical attention.

  Around us everyone was losing interest since the fight was over and the Stevenson brothers were once again calm. The show was officially over when Lana whispered something close to Drake’s ear and his eyes darkened. He nodded his head at the two men standing beside me then lifted his wife into his arms as if she weighed nothing at all. Shane bent his head to kiss Harper again before giving me a long look that told me loud and clear how much he loved me, and then walked off toward his bus.

  Zander’s shoulders sagged in relief as he watched Nik and Jesse give smirks before turning away. “Damn, my face hurts.” He touched his nose, then his eye. “Three punches and he hurt me almost as bad as you did in ten minutes, Dev.”

  Devlin touched his free hand to his lips, grimacing in pain when he touched the swelling corner. “Yeah, I was pretty glad when Shane stopped.” He met Zander’s gaze and I thought I could actually see the lingering anger those two men had for each other fade just as quickly as Drake’s and Shane’s anger had just minutes ago. Zander was the one who offered his hand this time.

  Devlin didn’t hesitate to shake it. “Friends?”

  I watched the muscles in Zander’s throat work as he swallowed hard. “Yeah, man. Friends.”

  Devlin pulled his hand back. “No more touching my girl, dude. I don’t want to have to kill you.”

  Zander’s gaze met mine for a moment. I smiled up at him and his face softened. “No, dude. No touching. But I won’t say no to hugs.” He opened his arms and I didn’t hesitate to step into them.

  Zander’s hug was like balm on the bruises he’d inflicted on my heart. Our friendship might never be as close as it once had been, but I wanted to try and get it as close as possible. He might be a clown, always trying to make a joke out of life to hide his own demons and issues, but that was one of the things that I loved about him.

  The hug didn’t last more than ten seconds before I felt Devlin’s hand on my arm, tugging me back. Zander snickered, but let me go. “Okay. I get it. Hugs are going to be a rare thing.”

  “Damn straight.” Devlin pulled me into his own arms and I wrapped my arms around his waist, inhaling the hint of Acqua Di Gio that he must have put on that morning.

  I closed my eyes and buried my face in his chest. My heart and brain were now screaming at me to get to the issue at hand. They needed him to confirm what I’d seen in his eyes. But not yet. As soon as we were alone, I’d start demanding the words. For now, for this moment, I was content with his arms around me holding on as if he never planned on letting go.

  “So…” The sound of a new voice had me lifting my head to find Harris standing just a few feet away. He thrust his hands into his pockets and looked from me to his dad, his eyes full of concern. “Does this mean you and Nat aren’t breaking up again?”

  “No, kid.” Devlin grinned. “I’m not letting Nat go this time. She’s stuck with me… And you too, I guess.”

  Harris’s face split with a grin almost identical to his father’s. I sighed, realizing that I really was stuck with them both. The thought was one that melted my heart. “Good. I mean, she’s a ball buster when it comes to making sure I’m eating right, but I still love her.”

  Laughing, I rolled my eyes at him. “I love you too, buddy.”

  Zander slung an arm around Harris’s shoulders. “I smell food. Let’s go grab something to eat. I think your dad and Natalie need a few to themselves.”

  “As long as he isn’t going to do something stupid that will make her kick his ass to the curb, I don’t care what they do.” Harris shot his dad a meaningful look, letting him know that he wasn’t going to be happy if that happened. Devlin grunted and Harris must have taken that as a good enough answer because he walked off with Zander.

  Z was right, there was the scent of food in the air. The food that Emmie had had catered must have already arrived. The sound of music beginning to play meant that the DJ had set up. Everyone had drifted off, ready to get the promised party started. Devlin and I were now standing alone in the fading daylight of the parking lot.

  Finally I lifted my eyes to meet his gaze. My breath caught in my lungs when I saw that his eyes were still shining down at me with love. For so long I’d thought that I would never see that look in his eyes, that I was nothing more than a distraction for him. Maybe one he’d become addicted to at the most because he hadn’t simply moved on after that bet. Now that I knew differently, it put a new spin on how I viewed our past…

  “Say it,” Devlin suddenly commanded. “Say it again.”

  I blinked, so stuck in my own musings and guilt over the past, that I didn’t immediately understand what he was asking me for. “Say what?”

  “That you love me.” His eyes darkened and his face twisted in pain. “Unless you don’t and you just said that so that your brother wouldn’t rearrange my face.”

  “No, dummy. I didn’t say it just so Shane wouldn’t hit you again,” I rushed to assure him. “I wouldn’t ever say something like that unless I really meant it.” Love was too big a word, held too much power. I would never speak it unless it was something that I felt without a shadow of a doubt.

  “Then tell me.” His voice was so coarse and gruff that it came out a plea.

  I unwrapped my arms from around his waist and lifted my hands to cup his face. Gently, I traced my thumb over his swollen mouth. “I love you, Dev.”

  His eyes closed as if he were trying to block everything else in the world out and burn my words into his soul. I felt tears burning my throat, my nose, and eyes. We never should have spent over a year apart. That damn bet had hurt me, but it was the thought that he didn
’t love me, that he didn’t care even a little about me that had kept us apart for so long. Now, as he opened those startling eyes at me and I saw that I’d been an idiot to even think he didn’t love me, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry for all the wasted time away from him.

  “I love you too, Nat. More than I can ever tell you, ever hope to show you. Baby, I’m so sorry for that fucking bet. I—”

  “Stop,” I pleaded as the first tear escaped my eye. “I’m sorry, too. I’ve done things that I can never take back just like you have. I don’t want to remember them. Okay? Let’s just move forward.”

  “What do you have to be sorry for?” he demanded, a frown wrinkling his brow. “I’m the one that was stupid and…” His face twisted in pain and I knew that he was remembering the day after the charity event. The things that I’d thrown at him, the way I’d taunted him the day after when he’d texted me to make sure that I was okay. “I don’t care that you took that damn morning-after pill, Nat.”

  I opened my mouth, but whatever I might have said was left trapped in my throat when he went on. “We were both stupid that night and neither one of us was ready to face the idea of having a baby at the time. If anything, I might have even been a little relieved that you corrected our possible mistake. I’m not ready for more kids right now. Maybe one day, when we’re both sure, we can talk about the possibility of kids. For now, I just want to focus on you and me.”

  My mouth shut with a snap and I lowered my eyes so that he couldn’t see what I was thinking. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond to any of that when my heart felt like it was suddenly being torn in two. Here I was, with Devlin telling me he loved me, something that I never thought I’d ever hear. It was a bittersweet moment, but at the same time, I was suddenly feeling even more guilt.

  I should have known that it was all too good to last. Life was never that easy. No one was ever suddenly handed everything they ever wanted and lived happily ever after. The universe just didn’t work that way. Especially not for me…