One and a Half Regrets: A Sweet, New Adult Romance (Love by the Numbers Book 1)

by J. A. Coffey

  I can’t do halfway with him.

  Liam is my ultimate fantasy. I feel like I’ve sucked all the helium out of a balloon; my head is light and slightly spinning.

  Why did I think I could handle this?

  I turn my face away, my skin cold where it lost contact with his mouth. “I’m not sure this is a good idea. I’ve got to be home by dinner.”

  “There are a lot of hours between now and then.”

  True, but Liam is lethal to my heart. Still, it feels so good, laughing and talking with him again. It’s like no time has passed, like the previous eighteen months were a bad dream. I feel ancient. So much older than my age.

  Any minute now, I’ll turn into my mother, wearing fuzzy slippers and binge-watching episodes of Monty Python on Netflix.

  “How long?” I hear myself ask.

  Dang it, I’m young and pretty. Feck, I’m barely legal drinking age, it’s not like I have no options. I’m not completely dead below the waist.

  “How long what?” His arms slide around me. He’s magnetic, drawing me into him. I lean my head against his shoulder, drinking in the heat of his body and surrounding myself in his minty, slightly smoky scent.

  “How long can I have you?” The words sound different than I’d intended. Almost…sexy. I inhale deeply, feeling like I haven’t managed a real breath since he’d left.

  He crushes me against him. I can feel him stiffening below the waist.

  “I’d like to say you can have me as long as you want.” Liam nuzzles my brow with the tip of his nose. He’s breathing hard, as am I. “But I’m only here for a few weeks. After that, I don’t know. There are concerts lined up…commitments.” He sighs.

  DeSilva strikes again.

  “So you don’t know anything beyond today.” My voice catches a little.

  He nods, looking miserable. “I’d love to spend it with you.”

  Not forever, then.

  Just. One. Day.

  What would be the harm in extending my fantasy for twenty-four hours? Actually less, because I’d want to spend time with Cadence before my evening shift.

  I shiver. He’s awakened all kinds of sensations, fluttering through my consciousness like butterfly wings. What I’m feeling for Liam can’t be real, but it feels sooo good. So…right.

  “Okay.” My voice is breathy and completely unlike myself.

  If I play along, I can forget everything for a few hours and be his. Just until dinner. Get some closure. Lose myself in sweet memories. At dusk, I’ll creep home and crawl into my cocoon once more.

  “Really?” Liam’s light eyes crinkle. “Great. What should we do?”

  Both of us glance at the smoothly made bed taking up half of the room.

  No more butterflies. My heart thuds like a lead weight.

  “Nothing too private.” I force myself to look away. I don’t want complications, just easy company. A few hours of fun.

  Liam senses my discomfort. He takes my hand and we thread our way back to the elevators, to the front lobby and past the reception desk without letting go.

  “Yo, Liam,” shouts a guy with dark hair and eyes leaning against the side of one of the low leather sofas. I recognize him from the Wylde Ryder videos. It’s the green M&M guzzling guitarist, Finn Richards.

  “Hey, Finn.” Liam introduces us and Finn tosses me an appraising look that makes my cheeks burn. “This is Beth.”

  “I can see why you were so hot to do the luncheon.” He nods to Liam.

  “Is Trish around?” Liam asks.

  Finn’s smile slips a little. “No.”

  “Everything all right?” Liam’s tone is cautiously neutral.

  “Love is hell.” And he laughs, but there’s pain behind the handsome guitarist’s eyes. I wonder if Liam sees it, too. Finn shakes it off, hides it behind a smirk. “You two have fun.”

  Liam squeezes my hand. “Planning on it.” We leave his band brother behind, pushing through the wide rotating doors to the streets.

  Outside, the damp air curls the hair around my face, but the sun has lived up to its earlier promise and broken through the clouds. It might actually clear up. “Trouble in paradise?” I ask.

  “I guess. Let’s not to talk about them right now, though. Today is just about us. Wanna catch a movie?” He stares at a billboard featuring the latest action flick. “I haven’t seen one in a real theater in forever.”

  Right. Since before he was a mega rock star.

  Still, a movie is good. I haven’t been to one in years, and it means we won’t have to talk, which means less chance I might accidentally say something we both would regret. “Sure, why not?”

  We check the phone app for times and drive to the Central movie theater.

  “This is cool.” His fingers are drumming on the back of my seat, touching the car leather when I want him to be touching me. “See? No distractions.”

  “Yeah, cool.” I’m anything but cool around him. It’s so weird to be riding in a car instead of public transit.

  He parks nearby, then slings his arm around my shoulders as we stroll to the theater. We could be any couple in Seattle. Not at all like a star drummer—and his ex.

  “This one okay?” He points to a poster of the latest James Breck action film—something I’ve been dying to see. We always checked out the latest blockbusters together. Since then, I haven’t been to a movie in a theater—I just catch whatever’s on television during late night feedings.

  “Sure.” The movie was released a few weeks ago so it won’t be crowded. Maybe we can get in and out without anyone recognizing him.

  My tension starts to dissipate. Maybe we can actually have a normal date.

  As we stand in line for tickets, I see a pair of college kids do a double take. A flicker of recognition registers and I glance away, pretending not to notice.

  “You’ve been spotted,” I mutter under my breath.

  Liam looks around. “What? Oh.” He gives the pair a chin-jerk greeting, then saunters over to them for a private conversation. The pair grins and one gives us the thumbs-up, while the other pretends to air-drum as Liam walks away.

  “What was all that?” I ask. They’re still bug-eyed at us.

  Liam gives me a shrug. “Told them if they kept quiet, I’d put their names on the backstage list for the concert. Problem solved.”

  “You can do that?”

  Liam smiles. “I’m part of Wylde Ryder. Apparently, I can do anything.”

  We laugh, and I try to relax as we purchase tickets and go in, but my shoulder blades itch and I can almost hear the click of cell phones capturing us.

  Maybe I’m overreacting. It’s Thursday afternoon. The theater will be dark. We can get through this without any fuss.

  “You want any popcorn? Soda?” Liam points to the concession stand. The guys behind the counter do a double take just like the kids. At this rate, the backstage will be full of movie patrons.

  “No, thanks.” This is starting to feel like a bad idea.

  I follow him into the mostly-empty theater, and when he hesitates, I trot up the stairs to a pair of seats in the middle of the back row.

  “Is this okay?”

  “Privacy is good.” Liam gives me a reassuring look, but I can see concern playing behind his expression. He’s ghostly in the dark interior, and his worried eyes are quicksilver, lit only by the strobing movie projector.

  “You okay, Beth?” he asks as we sink into the cushioned seats.

  “I’m fine.” I try to smile, feeling anything but. How long until the kids tell their friends? Post photos? How big will the crowd be when we exit? My throat catches like I’ve trapped a June bug in a jar.

  “You’re better than fine. You’re beautiful.” Liam catches my hand in his. His touch both soothes and piques me, and suddenly I’m hot for entirely different reasons. I’m on a date with the father of my baby. I inhale slowly, trying to relax as the previews start.

&n
bsp; “Okay,” I whisper. “I can do this.”

  “Excuse me?” He leans closer.

  “I said I’m glad we’re doing this.”

  “The movie or the date?” he asks.

  I can’t answer. “Mhmm.”

  Liam laughs softly. “I’ve been wanting to catch this for a while.”

  “Me too.” Might as well play it low-key.

  “I met James Breck when we played in L.A.,” Liam remarks casually, as if commenting on the weather.

  “You didn’t.” I give him some serious side-eye. “He’s an A-list actor.”

  “Did too. He crashed our after-party. Went back to the hotel and did some jamming with us.” Liam puts his hand on my knee and my heart turns somersaults in my chest. “Breck’s got a decent set of pipes.”

  “You…hung out with fecking James Breck?” I ask, just as the preview ends.

  My voice is too loud in the silence of the theater. My face burns and a few mutters echo around us. A guy in the front of the theater turns to give me a dirty look. Liam smothers another laugh.

  “I did.” He sounds supremely proud of himself, but it’s a failed attempt to impress me. Like a cherry bomb in a church toilet.

  Liam hangs out with movie stars.

  There’s a rushing noise in my ears, which has nothing to do with the supersonic jet in the opening scene of the movie. It hits me how very far we’ve drifted apart.

  I’m not cut out to be a rock star’s wife, girlfriend, or even his date. I’m just…Beth MacGuire, saddled with an alcoholic mom, a dying pub, and spit-up stains. Liam and I are so far apart, there’s no way I can picture us together.

  He’s no longer my ex-boyfriend. He’s the drummer for Wylde Ryder. There will always be constant scrutiny, constant recognition. What on earth made me think we could spend a day without the real world interfering?

  I jump out of my seat.

  “Where are you going?” Liam whispers. I shove past him and practically trip down the auditorium stairs because I’m not used to wearing anything other than my work flats.

  “Beth, wait.” His longer legs propel him much faster and he catches my elbow just outside the auditorium door. “What’s wrong?”

  “Jeez, Liam.” I stalk toward the concession stand. Fast. “How can you act like this is no big deal?”

  “It isn’t a big deal, Beth.” He’s trying to be quiet. The concession workers stop popping popcorn. One of them presses the soda button too long and it overflows. Eyes and ears are everywhere, when all I wanted was to be alone with him for a few hours.

  I hide my face in my hands. “You’ve hung out with movie stars, for heaven’s sake!”

  “They’re mostly normal people, Beth. Except they usually don’t run out of block-buster movies. That tends to draw attention.” The amused tone of his voice brings me out of hiding. I peek through my fingers at him.

  “We’re just so different now.” Memories flood me, threatening to sweep me up in a wave of tears. I thought I’d cried them all out.

  “We’re only as different as we want to be.” He cups my face in his hands, his fingers stroking against my jaw.

  My mouth snaps shut, then opens. “You really believe that?”

  “I do. And so will you. Kiss me.” His eyes snap turquoise sparks. “For real.”

  I cross my arms. “I’m not kissing you.” Because the minute I do, I’ll be lost.

  “Oh, I think you are.” He does that classic Liam lean-in, catching me around the waist and pressing my body against his. He dips his chin, his lips tantalizingly close to my own. All I have to do is give in. All I have to do is pucker up.

  All I have to do is say yes.

  And I want to.

  My arms steal around his neck of their own accord. My eyes flutter closed the second his mouth covers mine.

  Then I’m swaying in the hallway of the Central Cinema with the smell of buttered popcorn and Dr. Pepper, kissing Liam Hensley like it’s the last time I’ll ever see him.

  His mouth is possessive and hot. His long legs edge my thighs apart as we lean against the wall and make out. His crotch is bulging, brushing against the last part of me he should be touching. And I don’t want it to stop.

  But it’s got to, or I’m in deep trouble.

  I draw back, and Liam makes a growling sound of frustration in the back of his throat. The concession staff pretends they haven’t been ogling us the whole time as Liam grabs my hand.

  “Been a lifetime since I tasted that,” he says.

  “Tasted what?” I press my lips together, still feeling him there.

  “Love.” His expression sears me, but I can’t deny it. “Do you want to go back inside?” He jerks his thumb at the theater.

  “Not really.”

  “Me neither.”

  “What now?” I’m afraid to stay, but I don’t want to leave.

  “How about we go for that walk?” He scans the sky through the large pane glass. “Sun’s shining. Should take advantage of it.”

  “Sure.” A walk sounds safe. I don’t trust myself to be alone with him.

  We head to the city park several blocks away. I only have a few hours left with him. We stroll up the path to the playground where I sometimes take Cadence.

  My mind is churning, but the smell of the pine trees and the breeze blowing off the Puget Sound helps me cool off.

  Liam shortens his step to match mine. “Feel better?”

  “A little,” I admit.

  Our shoes crunch on the gravel path. It’s nice just being together. I’d missed dating. These days, I’m lucky to have enough adult time to shower and shave my legs. Dating is…out of the question.

  Except for Liam.

  He’s the only one who can bring out my true self. Man, I miss having fun.

  When he shoulders me playfully off the path the first time, I smile. The second time, my competitive streak flares. On the third attempt, I lower my own shoulder and dig it sharply into the side of his ribs.

  “Ouch!” Liam laughs, rubbing the sore spot. “I guess I deserved that.”

  That and more. “Mhmm.”

  I don’t want to hurt him…much. I want to kiss him again. Or slap him. Maybe both. Probably both. Definitely both.

  We head for the swing set on the kiddie playground.

  “Thanks for today, Beth. I needed this,” he says as we sink into a pair of damp rubber swings. The chains groan with our weight and my butt is immediately soaked, but I don’t care.

  “Needed what? The fresh mountain air? The sunshine?” I joke, pointing at the rare sunny sky.

  Liam grips the chains tighter. “Maybe I needed you.”

  There are a thousand things I could say, but I keep my lips clamped shut, not trusting myself to speak until my emotions are under control. It feels nice to dangle my legs as we talk.

  “I doubt that. You never needed me, Liam.” Not the way I’d needed him. Learning to live without him had been like trying to play music without an arm. Or breathe without a lung.

  It wasn’t right. It hurt. It was going to keep on hurting the longer I kept Cadence a secret from him.

  Suddenly, I’m glad I’m sitting down. I’m overwhelmed by what I did and how to tell him.

  “Are you okay?” Liam frowns. He drags his feet in the dirt to stop moving.

  “I’m fine.” Why was I so stupid? Of course I had to tell him about Cadence. Not only before someone else did, but because he deserved to know. I just had to find the right time.

  “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” He checks my upper arm for bruises.

  I bite my lip and meet his eyes. “Actually, you did.”

  His hands are still, for once. “You’re not talking about me shouldering you off the path, are you?” His voice is edgy and cautious.

  “No, I’m not.” I will him to look at me.

  He exhales noisily. “Damn, Beth, you sure know how to kill a mood.”

  “Y
ou did a lot worse when you left.”

  “Not intentionally.” His face is bleak. “You knew I couldn’t stay.”

  “We might’ve figured things out.” It was a longshot lie and we both knew it. “You didn’t even try.”

  “What about your scholarship?” His hands start tapping, leaving rusted smudges on the pads of his fingers. He wipes them on his jeans. “You were planning to leave Seattle anyway. I just beat you to the punch.”

  I brush a bit of muddy grass off my skirt. “I guess you did. You win, Liam.”

  “It wasn’t a contest. It was my life…my career.”

  “I thought I was your life.” He’d said as much, before.

  He ducks his head, wincing at my words. “I had to go, Beth.”

  I know it, but I don’t want to admit it.

  “You could’ve tried.” I don’t know where the angry ball of words bubbled up from. “It was easier to dump me.”

  His eyes are wet. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

  “I got your message loud and clear. A stinking text message.” I want to ball up my fist and sock him in the bicep, where I know it will sting. But I’d never resort to the violence. I cross my arms instead. “You couldn’t even tell me in person.”

  “I’m here now. Doesn’t that count for something?”

  “Lucky me. I get one last night with Liam Hensley. Where are you off to tomorrow? London? Paris? Singapore?”

  “Seattle,” he suddenly shouts. His face is contorted in agony. “I’ll be here tomorrow. And the next day and the one after that if that’s what it takes to make you hate me less.”

  “I don’t hate you, Liam. I…” I stop short. The wind blows through the trees, making a shushing noise. “You’d do that? For me?”

  “Yeah.” He holds my eyes. “DeSilva can screw off. The band needs a break. Zane and Finn are about to go at it over something, and the wedding is making everyone crazy, and I’d rather just be with you. It’s the only thing that’s felt right in I don’t know how long.”

  My chest is being squeezed like a set of bagpipes. “Since when did I matter?”

  His face softens. “Since the first day of fourth grade when I pulled your braids and you kicked me in the nuts. Since tenth grade when I kissed you for the first time. Since the day I said goodbye to you in a stupid text message and my world hasn’t been the same.”