One and a Half Regrets: A Sweet, New Adult Romance (Love by the Numbers Book 1)

by J. A. Coffey

  He gives me that look, the one that says he’s going to kiss me. He leans closer, with his perfectly handsome features, a face I’ve loved forever. I feel my lips start to pucker in anticipation of meeting his and butterflies flutter an alarm in my midsection.

  This is wrong, this is all going wrong. I’m not supposed to be falling for Liam again, I am just supposed to get some closure. I can never be with him, never tell him about…

  “I have a baby,” I hear myself blurting.

  “A wha—okay.” Liam rocks back, as if I’ve struck him. “You do?”

  “Yes.” We do, I finish in my head. I start swinging again. Twisting in the wind, like a loose strand.

  Oh, I’m a horrible, horrible person.

  “That’s uhhh…great. Right?” He grabs hold of my chains, forcing me to slow down and face him. “Yeah, great. You found some nice guy or something after we split? That’s great.” His knee is bouncing up and down and he’s babbling, obviously blindsided and upset and confused all at once.

  The way I’d been when I saw the double blue lines on the pregnancy test.

  The way I’d been when I’d read his texted goodbye.

  It was awful and heart-wrenching and wrong. I should’ve told him. I should have let him have a choice in decisions for his future. Tears blur my vision and I grope blindly, finding the solidity of his shoulder.

  He’s right next to me, where he should be.

  “Liam…” Who did I think I was, deciding everything for everyone?

  “So you’re with someone now? Is he the father? Is that why you didn’t want to go out with me today?” He looks devastated, but I’m not sure why. Is it the baby or the possibility that I’m seeing another man?

  As if I could love anyone but him.

  “No.” I screw up my courage. This time, I’m not going to run from the hard thing. The right thing. I’m not a stupid teenager anymore. It’s time to pull up my big girl panties and face the truth. “Liam, there’s more.”

  “Is it bad?” He flinches, like he’s expecting a hard hit.

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” I hide my face in my hands. “Why is this so fecking hard?”

  He pries my fingers off my face. His gaze is smooth and steady. Looks like he’s grown up some, too. “Okay. Tell me.”

  I can’t bear this.

  Can’t stand hurting Liam again.

  I take a deep breath and answer. “The baby’s yours.”

  Chapter Six

  Liam

  I’m dreaming. My feet come off the ground and I’m rocking in the rubber kiddie swing, to and fro, according to the dictates of wind or gravity.

  Beth has a baby. My baby.

  I have a baby. It’s both the worst and the best news I’ve ever gotten.

  I blink, experimentally, to see if I’m still awake.

  Yep. There’s Beth, tears streaming down her face, waiting for me to respond.

  I try, but no words come. I’m still swinging back and forth.

  “I thought I was doing the right thing. For all of us. I didn’t want you to be shackled to me, not when you had a chance to get free of your father and…” Her words trail off miserably.

  She thinks I’m angry, but I’m just sitting here, focusing on the sound, if not the meaning, of her words and trying to take everything in.

  We have a baby. Beth and I.

  Not surprising considering how many times we’d… I shake my head, fighting to clear the memories. Fighting to remain calm. A sudden surge of pride shoots through me, that she and I created something so wonderful between us. Then the fear trickles in.

  Didn’t mean she wasn’t married, engaged, or dating someone else. A kid is a lot of trouble, a lot of work. Surely she’s not handling this and all of her family’s issues entirely on her own.

  Finally, I form words. “Are you married?”

  “No.” She frowns at me. “Liam, are you all right?”

  “Engaged?” I’m proud at how steady my voice is. “Dating?”

  “What? No.” She seems puzzled.

  “There’s no one else in the picture?”

  “There’s never been anyone but you, Liam. I’m so sorry I never told you.”

  The painful band squeezing my heart eases. “Boy or girl?”

  “A girl. We have a daughter, Liam.” Unmistakable pride lights her face like a thousand spotlights.

  I have a daughter.

  I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with air. “I get it. I understand why you didn’t tell me. You must think I’m really…” I don’t know what she thinks. That I’m a complete jerk? I hadn’t noticed her pulling away from me because…

  Oh, yeah. Because I’d abandoned her, like Marco told me to.

  “Amazing?” She flicks a blade of grass. “I think you’re amazing for getting free from your dad. You needed to get away, Liam.”

  “I was going to say stupid.” I grab her hand. “For ever leaving you.”

  I’d been running like I always do. She’d been traveling her own path without me—just when she’d needed me most.

  “That too. But you’re not completely stupid. I am. I should’ve trusted that you would do the right thing. You’ve always tried to. I think I was afraid that if I told you, that you’d hate me or try to move back here or…” Her voice trails off.

  We’re quiet for a moment.

  I have a daughter.

  Doubts surface, that I’ll be as awful a parent as my father, but I shove them away, stuff them into a dark hole inside my heart. I’ll never be that man. No matter what.

  I swore I wouldn’t.

  “Can I see her?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?” Is Beth worried about me? “Think I’ll be like my dad?”

  “Never!” She’s so quick to refute it, I know she isn’t afraid. “We’ve had our trip down memory lane and it’s been…well, it’s been wonderful. But being a parent is serious.” She brushes her hands together and stands up. There’s a soggy, green spot on her backside from the damp rubber swing.

  “I can be serious.” I take my jacket off and slip it around her shoulders. It’s so long it reaches past her butt. “C’mon, you have to admit being together is pretty great.”

  “Even a trip to the circus is fun, once in a while. Most days, being a parent is like a job. A really, really awesome job, don’t get me wrong. But everyone our age is partying or hooking up.”

  Is she trying to talk me out of trying? Maybe she thinks I don’t have it in me, that I’ll end up resenting our baby the way my father resented me.

  “And you’re stuck making sure someone’s fed and clean.” I take her hand. Now I know why she hasn’t been playing or practicing. Why she’s so serious and determined. She’d had to be. I hadn’t left her any other choice.

  “I can’t imagine life without her, but…” She bites her full bottom lip. “You and I never shared the same dreams for the future, Liam. And that’s okay.”

  A wistful tone underscores her words, one that tears my heart in two. She’s testing me, feeling me out. How do I feel—about Beth and the baby?

  “Sounds like a glamorous life.” I try to smile, but I can’t imagine what her life is like compared to mine. “Maybe I’d like a piece of that action.”

  And just like that, I’m tethered to this place and to her. It’s more than just surrendering my heart. It’s like there’s some magical gravitational pull to her that I just can’t shake.

  That I don’t want to shake. Ever.

  I just have to convince her.

  She laughs. “You have no idea what raising a child is like. Heck, you can’t even take care of yourself.”

  “I’ve done pretty well on my own so far.” I’m handsome, famous, and I make good money from my music. If you didn’t count the constant planning by DeSilva, I’ve been a pretty responsible guy.

  “Why not keep it that way?” She brushe
s her hands together. “You’re doing great out there. We’re doing fine back here. You don’t have to be involved.”

  I understand why she’s pushing back. I’m the guy who runs. The one who doesn’t do family, who doesn’t stick to anything but my music—at least that’s her impression of me. Typical Beth, she’s giving me an easy out, but I spy tension in the set of her slim shoulders, and I can feel the fragile hope radiating off of her.

  “I want to be here for you.” Although I’m not exactly sure what that means. “For you both,” I amend.

  “Life on the road with a rock star?” She crosses her arms. “Bad idea.”

  “We can try. Let me help raise our daughter.” The words surprise us both.

  “She isn’t yours to raise, Liam.” She sounds angry now. Angry and hopeful and worried that I’ll disappoint her again.

  I hold her gaze. “She is and you know it.”

  Her shoulders slump.

  “Fine, if that’s all you want from me. You can have it.” She starts to walk off, smashing damp blades of grass beneath her feet. “I’ll find a lawyer to draw up visitation schedules or something. You can drop by when you’re in town.” Her voice sounds like she’s walking barefoot over broken glass instead of a spongy carpet of green.

  I’m at her side in an instant, even before I consciously recognize moving. “That’s not all I want, Beth.”

  “Then what?” Her eyes are awash with tears. Typical tidy Beth, they refuse to spill onto her sweet cheeks. “What do you want from me?”

  Everything, my heart screams. But I can’t form the words.

  Classical music jangles from her purse as her cell rings. “That’s Paige, Cormack’s wife. She watches the baby for me.” Beth checks the time. “I need to get back and pick up Cadence.”

  “Cadence? Is that our daughter’s name?” It’s a rhythmic sequence of musical chords moving toward a harmonic point of closure, and it’s perfect. A testament to how much she loves our baby girl. The two loves of her life—music and Cadence.

  Where does that leave me?

  “Our daughter is the highlight of our relationship,” she tells me. “The perfect ending to us.”

  “It doesn’t have to end.” I take her hands. “Let me meet her. No false promises, no legal shit. I won’t do that to you, Beth. I’m just a guy who wants to meet his daughter.”

  She hesitates. “I suppose we could try that. There’s a Babies and Me class next week at the Y, maybe you could—”

  “No.”

  “But it’s…” She stops.

  “Tomorrow,” I insist. No more delays. No more putting this off. I’m not waiting a minute longer than I have to. She opens her mouth to argue once more, but seeing my expression, changes her mind.

  “Okay,” she agrees, dread etched on her beautiful face. “Tomorrow.”

  Just breathe. Don’t blow this.

  Friday morning dawns bright and clear for once. Seattle is humming with business people and baristas on their way to work, but I’m loitering one step away from Beth’s front porch with a bag full of wrapped gifts in one hand and a giraffe the size of the Space Needle tucked under my other arm. My phone quivers in my back pocket and I ignore it.

  I have a daughter. With Beth.

  It still seems surreal. I fought to make sense of it after I dropped Beth off at the neat townhouse she rents near the pub. I thought about it the rest of the evening, through three hours of frustrated practice with the band, a half-hour shouting match between Zane and Finn over song titles, and an hour wandering through the ToyzRCool Superstore so I could cool off. I had the hotel staff package my purchases while I wrapped up this morning’s jam session.

  Then I took off to meet my daughter without telling DeSilva a word.

  Now, the doubt’s starting to set in. I don’t know the first thing about kids, especially not babies. Or women in general, apparently. I thought I knew everything there was to know about the girl I’d left behind.

  I was wrong.

  What an idiot I was, going on and on about partying on the road, never once asking how things were for her. I’d just assumed we were both going on to do what we’d always dreamed. She’d done everything she could not to take that away from me.

  She’d had a baby. My baby.

  A jolt of something primitive rushes through me and I swear that even though I haven’t seen her yet, nothing and nobody is going to ever hurt my daughter.

  The thin white metal blinds covering Beth’s front window flicker and I suck in another steadying breath and will my feet to move, but before I can, my phone vibrates in my back pocket again.

  I juggle my gifts to answer it. “Yeah?”

  “Where are you?” DeSilva’s voice buzzes.

  “Out.” I’m not usually this abrupt with him.

  “With the babe from the pictures?” he asks.

  I’m suddenly sweating on my lower back. “What pictures?”

  “You pressed up against that chick in the movie theater. All over social media, Liam. Looked like a real great time, kid. I’m happy for you.”

  I want to smash my fist into something. My grip tightens on the bag straps. “It’s not like that.”

  “Whatever,” Marco chirps, unconcerned. “Practice is scheduled for tomorrow morning at the soundstage. You gonna be around?”

  “Have I ever let you down before?” I might not have been hanging with the guys in the hotel the past few days, but I haven’t missed practice all week. There is no reason for DeSilva’s attitude.

  “You’ve been kinda absent since that lunch thing, Liam. What’s up?” He sounds more worried than irritated.

  “Nothing.” For some strange reason, I don’t want to tell my recording agent about my new family. Not until I decide exactly what or how I feel about it.

  “Still hanging with the honey from your past. That’s sweet.” DeSilva’s voice has a sarcastic edge that makes my neck tense. “But don’t take your eye off the prize.”

  “Beth’s more than some girl from my past, Marco.”

  “Yeah, yeah…she’s a musician. I get it. Just make sure you’re available when the band needs you. We’re counting on you.”

  “I’ll be there.” I grit my teeth as the giraffe starts to slip.

  “Oh, one more thing. Your dad came to the hotel asking about you. Badgered the concierge for your number so you could meet up.”

  My stomach clenches. Those damn photos of me kissing Beth at the theater. “Did he…did you?”

  “Hell no, I didn’t. And I don’t think anyone here did, either. But your father doesn’t strike me as the type to take ‘no’ easily. Watch your back, kid.”

  Good advice, and it reminds me that Zane had said it, too—but about Marco. “I will.”

  The phone shuffles on Marco’s end. “Be on time tomorrow.” The line goes dead before I can respond.

  I take a moment to log into my online accounts, enough to verify that the pictures are definitely making the rounds. Luckily all you can see is part of Beth’s cheek and the waves of her hair, because the camera is focused on me. Small mercy, but I’m pretty sure my dad will know exactly who I’m making out with.

  I tuck my cell into my back pocket, feeling sick. My whole world is totally upside down. First my feelings for Beth resurfaced. Then, the news of our child. Now, the threats from my dad escalate, with him tracking me to my hotel.

  Though I feel like running, I screw up my shoulders and stalk to the front steps, the stupid giant giraffe bouncing along my back pocket where my drumsticks tap a warning against my lower back like Morse code.

  Warning, they say. Danger ahead.

  No way I’m letting anything bad happen here. Cadence will have the perfect childhood. Everything Beth and I wanted and never had.

  My heart leaps into my throat as Beth opens the door with a blanket-wrapped bundle cradled in her arms.

  “Hey.” She glances uncertainly at me. “Still making up y
our mind whether you want to come in?”

  “No.” My voice sounds oddly tight to my own ears. I clear my throat and lean under the doorway. “I’m here.”

  I try to impart everything I feel into my words, but Beth’s expression is shuttered. Maybe she’s seen the pics, too, although she was never really the kind of girl to snap selfies of her feet or her food. Hopefully, she’s not that into social media.

  “Come in.” She steps aside, sounding as if she wishes I won’t.

  “Okay.” I am not okay. None of this is okay. I’m seriously unsure if it will ever be okay between us, but I’ve got to try.

  We stand here awkwardly, until a soft cooing sigh sounds and the bundle shifts to reveal a tiny pink hand.

  “Is that her?” My chest feels like I’ve been run over. I can’t breathe. “This is our baby?”

  “Liam, this is your daughter,” she says, as if I’m likely to forget. Beth tilts the blankets and I see the face of an angel peeping up at me. She’s bigger than I expected. Fully alert and obviously healthy with rosy cheeks and sparse auburn curls framing her face. Long lashes frame a pair of blue-green eyes. Eyes the color of aquamarine. The color of my own.

  “Hello, Cadence,” I breathe.

  “Gee, gee geeeee.” She babbles and breaks into a mostly toothless smile. A line of drool runs from her bottom lip and Beth moves to catch it with a white fluffy cloth.

  The tight knot in my chest gives way as I drop the gifts and let the giraffe slide to the back of the sofa. “She’s so beautiful.”

  “She is,” Beth confirms, her face beaming with pride. “And she’s happy and sweet and…” Her voice trails off, her eyes brimming with uncertainty. “Do you want to—?”

  “Can I hold her?” I ask.

  Beth’s shoulders tense, but she nods. “Why don’t you sit down first?”

  “Right. That way if I accidentally drop her, she’ll land on my lap instead of the carpet.” I fold myself onto the sofa and wait.

  Beth hesitates for a second, then arranges the baby in my arms, tucking her light yellow blanket back so I can see Cadence give a sleepy yawn and smack her rosebud lips. Drool and all, she’s the most precious thing I’ve ever held in my arms, besides her mother.