The Thing About Forever

by Michelle Engardt

  "I'm sorry."

  "I…" Zyan didn't know what to say. When Carter got up and started cleaning up the dishes, Zyan only took a step back and watched, tears still dripping down his face.

  Later that night, Zyan already lay curled up in bed, though he couldn't bring himself to sleep.

  He stared out the window at the cloudy night sky and wondered how he could keep going when he knew he'd have to see Carter again the next morning. He didn't know what would happen now, how Carter would behave, if he'd continue his silence or start talking. Zyan didn't even know what he wanted himself. Did he want things to go back to the way they used to be? Did he want Carter to leave and move on separately? Did he want to try being friends? None of those options seemed favorable.

  When his bedroom door creaked, he was pulled out of his thoughts and turned to find Carter in the glow of the pale moonlight. He looked ruffled, like he'd been trying and failing to sleep as much as Zyan. They looked at each other, but neither said a word. When Carter came closer and slid between the sheets on the empty side of the bed, neither treated it as out of the ordinary.

  Zyan watched Carter for a moment, took in how tired and worn-out he still looked, before he turned back around and continued to watch the stars fade in and out of sight as the clouds blew by.

  *~*~*

  Carter started getting better, though progress was slow.

  It started with small talk over breakfast. Short questions of "how did you sleep?" or "what are your plans for today?" but it was a start, and each time Zyan heard his voice, he was startled by it. Part of him had lost hope he'd ever get to hear it again.

  When Zyan went out to get groceries, he returned to washed dishes and folded laundry, and when he got out of the shower, dinner was served on a set table. Each small gesture caught him off-guard, but it was always replaced by a warmth in his chest. Carter was getting better. He was coming back to Zyan.

  When they hit the one-week mark after Zyan's outburst, Carter's presence in Zyan's bed had become the new norm. He still retired to his own bed each night, as if they didn't both know that wasn't where he'd wake up in the morning. Zyan had come to stay awake until he could hear the telltale creak of the door, followed by the shuffling footsteps and dip of the mattress. They always stuck to their own side. And they never mentioned it in the morning.

  *~*~*

  Three years passed before Carter could hear the name Aaron without shutting down and freezing in place, and another two before he started to bring Aaron up in conversation.

  They'd moved into a small house with a garden and just one bedroom. It was still within the country, but further up north, where the memories couldn't haunt Carter as easily. And after they finished renovations around the house, they both went out and got part-time jobs to keep themselves occupied.

  Almost six years had passed since Aaron's death, and Zyan still couldn't quite believe they'd stuck together through it all. It was late at night when Zyan returned from an office party and slipped into bed next to Carter's sprawled-out form.

  "Hey." Carter's voice was deep and raspy with sleep.

  "Hey. Sorry I woke you."

  "'s okay."

  Carter was quiet so long, Zyan thought he might have fallen back to sleep and was about to drift off himself.

  "It's weird to sleep without you."

  Zyan opened his eyes to find Carter looking back at him.

  "It's always so easy to fall back in step with you. I've never known anyone like I know you."

  "I know what you mean," Zyan said quietly.

  "Even with my mother, I never know what to expect and with-with Aaron, I never knew what he was thinking."

  Zyan didn't know what to say, so he stayed quiet.

  "Did you know he proposed to me?"

  Zyan's lips parted in shock, but he still didn't speak.

  "It was a year after I told him about my immortality. He and I, we'd moved in together and things were going well. We'd agreed we were in for the long haul, so after our anniversary dinner, we went home and curled up on the balcony to watch the stars. That's when he brought up marriage. He wanted to exchange rings and vows, go on a honeymoon, and I hadn't expected it. In fact, I was so shocked Aaron asked if I'd never thought about it. And I hadn't. Getting married. I never pictured it with anyone but you."

  Zyan froze when Carter reached to place a hand on his cheek. The touch was warm and sent sparks flying, but Zyan still couldn't find the right words to express what he was thinking.

  "I was there when Aaron died in our bed. I sat right next to him, and you know what his last words were?"

  Zyan didn't say anything. He knew Carter didn't expect him to.

  "Go out and find happiness." Carter's thumb brushed over Zyan's cheekbone. "It felt cruel when I'd just watched him die in front of me. When I knew I couldn't be there to bury him because his friends and family thought I was his caretaker. That's what he told them I was to him, so they wouldn't get suspicious. His caretaker."

  "I'm sorry."

  Carter shook his head. "What matters now is that I'm here with you. That I found happiness again, like he wanted me to."

  "Carter…" Words escaped Zyan again.

  "I want to get married again. If you want to, that is."

  Zyan wet his lips when Carter withdrew his hand, only to take one of Zyan's to squeeze his fingers. "Why?" It felt like an inane question in the grand scheme of things. But truth was, they hadn't even kissed since Aaron's passing. They weren't friends, yet they weren't lovers, they were something…different. There was no simple way to describe their relationship.

  "Because I love you. And I know you love me too. We belong together. There's no world I want to live in if you're not there. And if you feel the same way, I'd like to make it official again. You're the only one I want to promise my forever to, so…will you marry me?"

  Zyan knew Carter was convinced by his own words. He believed what he was saying, and not too long ago, Zyan would've believed him, too, without a second thought. Now, he wasn't sure. His state after Aaron's passing had been terrifying. He'd loved Aaron—deeply—to an extent Zyan could never imagine loving anyone except the man lying in front of him. Had they ever been equally invested? Despite his doubts, and now faced with Carter's hopeful gaze, Zyan couldn't bring himself to voice his thoughts. But even if he could, he wasn't sure he'd ever give another answer but: "Yes."

  When Carter tugged at his hand to pull him closer, Zyan went willingly, and tilted his head to meet his kiss halfway.

  *~*~*

  "Neither of us has ever told anyone this story…at least not that I know of. It probably wasn't my place to tell you this, but it's done now."

  "Then why did you?" Ava asked. Her voice was low and gentle, like she was afraid of startling him.

  "Because what happened with Aaron…it changed things," Zyan answered. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath to steel himself. "To me, it's always been obvious that I'm more invested in this relationship than Carter. To me, Carter was my entire world. He's the reason I'm still alive. He's the one constant in my life, while everything around me changes and evolves. Even when I had nothing and understood nothing, I always had Carter to hold my hand and anchor me.

  "But I was never that for Carter. He never needed me until he was faced with losing Aaron. I'd never seen him like that, not when he got divorced and not even when we were in a war-ridden country. He was always confident and in control. He enjoyed the pleasures of every decade, every century. He met new people and enjoyed the time he had with them. He never stuck around for them, always made sure he'd keep them in his mind as a pleasant memory, instead of staying with them and watching them fade.

  "We were always traveling and experiencing different cultures at different moments in time, but I was always aware that everything I was seeing and feeling would be fleeting compared to what lay ahead. I could never quite enjoy what was happening because the awareness of my own immortality was constantly nagging at the back of my min
d. But Carter, he'd made peace with that part of his life when he was still very young.

  "And then there's also his mother. She shows up and continues to do so every couple of decades. She's the one person who's known him since the day he was born. She watched him grow up and continues to keep an eye on him. I don't have that. And I never will. All I have is Carter. And I'd never even realized how dependent I was on him until he was with Aaron, and left me to fend for myself for a couple of decades. We'd been apart before that, of course, but it was never for longer than two or three years, and neither of us had ever had an honest relationship during that time.

  "Then came Aaron. He was the one that made me realize Carter was capable of loving other people romantically. I'd never been 'the one' for Carter. Carter didn't feel for me what I felt for him. I'm not even sure he's capable of that. Maybe he felt like that for Aaron. I don't know. All I know is I can't spend the rest of eternity with a man who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. I don't deserve that. And I know it might be selfish. I'm aware Carter might be hurting because of me, and I do feel guilty about that, but I need to find a way to live with myself and stand on my own two feet. I need to find a way to live without Carter, and as of now, I haven't found a way to do that."

  For almost a full minute, all Zyan could hear was his own breathing.

  "I'm not really sure what to say," Ava said finally, if just for the sake of saying something.

  "You don't have to say anything," Zyan replied.

  He looked at her and found the expression on her face told him everything he needed to know. She was shocked, overwhelmed, as if she'd finally realized who he was. Maybe his immortality hadn't fully sunk in before, or maybe she was simply trying to come to terms with what he'd just told her. Either way, he was done. He didn't want to answer any questions or tell more of his sob story. Part of him already regretted telling her anything at all. His past was his burden to carry, his problem to solve, his pain to come to terms with. She had her own to deal with.

  "I'm tired," Zyan said.

  Ava took it as the dismissal it was and rose to her feet. She started walking toward the door, but halted with her hand hovering over the doorknob. "For what it's worth…I understand. And I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I honestly don't know."

  "I never expected you to. But I'd appreciate it if you'd never make decisions for me again."

  Ava nodded. "Yeah…goodbye. And…I love you."

  "I love you too."

  Zyan could hear her shuddering intake of breath before she disappeared into the hallway. The door fell shut behind her with a soft click.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Jessica

  Jessica had been sitting on the couch and staring at the TV for what felt like hours but was probably less than thirty minutes. Her restlessness kept her uncomfortable as her leg bounced rhythmically and her thumbs twiddled.

  She wanted to call Carter, or better yet go after him, and be physically there for him. But she knew it wasn't what he needed right now. He'd want to be alone and sort through his emotions first. He was never one to outright go and seek comfort. At least not before he'd gotten himself under control and felt up to putting on a mask.

  When the front door was finally unlocked, Jessica sprang to her feet and rushed to Ava. She seemed shrunken into herself, drained and distraught. Tears glistened on her face and her brows were creased as her gaze remained lowered. Jessica's first thought was to find who'd hurt her and break their nose.

  "What happened?" Jessica asked.

  Ava lightly shook her head. "I really messed up, Jessie," she said quietly. "I had no right…I shouldn't have…He's hurting badly, and it's all my fault."

  Jessica didn't bother with more words and let her actions speak. She wrapped Ava up in her arms and held on tight, until she felt Ava start to relax. Jessica gave her another moment before she pulled back enough to shut the door and interlace their fingers, so she could steer them toward the couch. "You wanna tell me what happened?" she asked, seeking out Ava's lowered eyes without luck.

  Ava shook her head. Jessica had to force herself not to feel hurt by it.

  "It's not my story to tell." Ava's calm tone sounded forced.

  Jessica nodded. "It's okay. I understand."

  "Just know it's…it's really bad. They didn't just break up over nothing."

  "Bad enough that it can't be fixed?"

  Ava shrugged. "I don't know. You should've seen him, Jessie. He looked so tired. And worn-out. For once, he actually looked his age."

  Jessica had never heard Ava sound so…helpless. Lost. Whatever Zyan had told her, it had made an impact. Did one of them have an affair? It was the only thing she could come up with, but why would it leave Ava so distraught?

  Jessica shook off her musings. Her main concern was getting Ava to calm down and get some sleep. Taking care of Carter would come later, once he was willing to open up and accept her help.

  With Ava in her pajamas and Jessica in borrowed sweatpants, they cuddled under the covers. Their hands cradled mugs of hot tea while Ava's laptop balanced on their legs and played one mindless video after another.

  Jessica had hoped to distract Ava, but the look on her face made it clear that it wasn't working. Ava's mind was far away, trapped in a far-off dark corner, where guilt raged freely and gnawed at her with abandon. Jessica would take the silence by her side over the silence back home any day. She continued to point things out and make small comments to distract Ava, cheer her up, but it rarely worked. She'd laugh occasionally or click on another video herself, but soon after, she'd get that look back onto her face. Her brain refused to let her rest.

  Jessica stayed with her that night. Neither of them got much sleep.

  The morning after, Jessica offered Ava to stick around the rest of the day. It was Sunday: neither of them had to worry about work, and Jessica didn't like the thought of leaving Ava alone with her thoughts. Then there was Carter. After what they did, Jessica didn't know how he'd react to her showing up on his doorstep. Would he be angry? Disappointed? Would he feel betrayed? The uncertainty ate at her.

  Ava declined her proposal. She told her to go home, to check in on Carter, and make sure he was taking care of himself. Jessica knew she was right, but still lingered for a few more minutes as they said their goodbyes.

  "You just need to call me and I'll be right back over here, okay?"

  Ava nodded, a tiny but genuine smile on her lips. "Okay."

  Jessica returned the nod and gave her a small kiss. "No hesitation. You need me. I'll be there."

  Ava returned the gesture with a kiss of her own. "Okay."

  Jessica was gently rubbing over the fabric covering Ava's arms and shoulders. "Maybe I could stay with you for today and visit Carter tomorrow. I'm not even sure he wants to see me to begin with and—"

  "Jessie," Ava cut her off. "Go."

  Jessica sighed and dropped her hands as well as her gaze. "Okay."

  "We need to fix this."

  "I'm not sure we can."

  Ava shrugged. "We still gotta try."

  With a nod and another lingering kiss, Jessica said her goodbyes.

  She reached Carter's apartment within twenty minutes. As she climbed the stairs, she sifted through her key-chain until she found the one for his door. There was no hesitation as she inserted it into the lock.

  "Go away, Jess!" The voice was muffled through the door, but it was undoubtedly her best friend.

  For a second, she halted in her movements but didn't remove the key.

  "I mean it. I don't want to see you right now!"

  She looked at the lines in the wood of his door as if she could look through if she only tried hard enough. "You need to talk about it, Carter." No response came, so she continued. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We weren't thinking…" She trailed off. What else was there for her to say?

  Seconds ticked by, passing in silence, until a faint voice trickled through and met her ears.

  "Come in."
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  She turned the lock and slipped into the warmth and comfort of Carter's apartment. Inside, she moved carefully and scanned the room until her gaze fell on Carter.

  He sat curled up on the floor, propped up against the back of the couch. Guilt stabbed into her chest at the sight. She quickly turned to close the door before she walked up to him and settled down by his side, careful to keep a respectable distance between them.

  She didn't speak. It didn't feel like it was her place to.

  "It wasn't your fault," he said finally.

  She looked up at him.

  "We would've met again eventually," he elaborated.

  Jessica nodded slowly but averted her gaze.

  Carter fell silent again. A few minutes passed before he shifted his weight with a sigh. His shoulders heaved as he inhaled deeply. "Is there anything you want to ask?"

  Her head shot up, and she made no attempt to hide her surprise.

  "Go ahead," Carter encouraged her. "I'll try to answer whatever you want to know. I'd rather do this now than have you prying for the rest of my days…or rather, yours."

  He seemed taken aback when she didn't start shooting questions right away. But she wanted to do this right, without dredging up too many painful memories. But ultimately, she didn't know if there was a way around it. If she wanted answers, Carter would have to suffer for it. The thought didn't sit right with her.

  Another minute of silence passed as she contemplated what to ask. "Yesterday," she started eventually, "after you left, Ava talked to Zyan and…he told her something. She didn't tell me what it was, but it left her crying. I've never seen her like that, and I was wondering if you can tell me what you think he told her."

  Carter looked thoughtful, eyes trained on the ring he kept twirling on his finger. She'd noticed him wearing it before, had always assumed it was simply a fashion choice, since he tended to wear necklaces or bracelets quite often, but now she wondered if it was actually a wedding ring.

  When she looked from his hand back up to his face, she saw conflicting emotions flicker over his face. There was surprise, hurt, and shock before he schooled his expression and settled on neutral ground. The mask was back in place, the feelings buried deep. "I think I know what he told her," he answered finally. "And I can't say I'm not surprised he'd share this with her. But…I'd rather not talk about it right now."