The Thing About Forever

by Michelle Engardt

  "Ava said it was the reason you broke up," Jessica said.

  Carter's eyes widened in surprise. "What? No. I mean…it might have played into it, but it wasn't the main reason."

  "But Zyan told her…"

  Carter furrowed his brow. "No, we got divorced because we were fighting all the time, and then Zyan started to shut me out, and we didn't talk to each other for days at a time, and when we did talk, it was only to yell at each other for not doing the chores. We weren't even sleeping in the same room anymore for almost two years before we finally broke it off."

  Jessica frowned. "If it was so bad, why were you still pining over him?"

  Carter started to pick at a loose thread on his sleeve. "I wanted to fix things. I kept trying to get him to talk to me, but he'd always find a way to turn my attempt at open conversation into an argument. Even when he started threatening with divorce, I was trying to talk him down—or well, shout him down—and get him to just tell me what I did wrong, but he wouldn't listen."

  "Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me," Jessica replied. "Sounds more like you should be glad you got out when you did."

  Carter shook his head. "You don't get it." He looked back over at her. "You don't know Zyan. Not like I do. Nobody does." He sighed and started kneading his palm with his thumb. "Zyan didn't used to be like that. He was always more serious than me, more restrained, but he was never short-tempered or cruel.

  "He's always been a bit grumpy, but I knew how to make him smile and duck his head when he didn't want me to see that he thought I was funny. He's careful around people, he keeps up his walls, but it's not because he doesn't care. He's scared of getting hurt. He-he's aware of his immortality in a way I push out of my mind most of the time because I know it would hold me back and keep me from enjoying my life.

  "He's…he's not a bad person. He's wonderful and complex and insightful, and I loved him so much…for centuries, and I can't— I can't just stop doing that. I tried, I did, but even after just that first glance at him, I felt the breath get knocked out of me, and I simply know this feeling will never go away.

  "It's like I don't even know what to say or think when he's not around. Ever since yesterday, I've been feeling disconnected from reality, like I'll disappear any moment. I've been clinging onto the hope of seeing him again all this time, to get another chance to talk to him, to fix what I didn't mean to break and move on. Together.

  "But when I had the opportunity, my mind was…blank. I just stared, until the door was almost shut in my face. And then I had the chance to say all the things I wanted to tell him for years, but I barely got out half of it. I told him I missed him, but even that didn't come out right."

  He lifted his hand to pull at the cord hidden under his T-shirt. There were several rings threaded onto it, one of which he started to fiddle with.

  "You still love him."

  Carter nodded. "But he doesn't."

  "You don't know that."

  Carter shook his head. "He's moved on."

  "If he told you that, he's lying," Jessica replied.

  "How would you know?"

  "Ava might not have told me what Zyan revealed to her, but she said enough for me to know Zyan's struggling just as much as you are."

  Carter's fingers never stopped moving, even while his thoughts were clearly far away from the present. "Even if he did feel something for me, what makes you think he'll want me back?"

  "Don't think about it as him taking you back," Jessica said. "Think of it as you mutually agreeing to put all cards on the table—no lies, no holding back—and then deciding where to go from there."

  "He'd never agree to that. With how things went yesterday, I'm quite certain he'll never want to see me again."

  "And I say you should go over there and check whether that's true or not. I'm pretty sure he's been up all night thinking, just like you, and it's probably made him analyze this entire dilemma from all angles. Maybe he reconsidered some things. Maybe he came to a conclusion you wouldn't have expected from him. Who knows? I just know you should give yourself the chance to figure it out."

  "I'm not sure I'm ready to face him again."

  "Will you ever be?"

  "Good point."

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Zyan

  Zyan hadn't had a proper night's sleep in three days.

  He wished he could stop replaying the scene in his mind. He wished he could finally leave this part of his life behind. He wished he could just forget.

  He'd been pulling out his memory-filled boxes more often than he cared to admit. He'd even considered wearing his rings again, like he used to, but the rational part of his brain kept him from sinking that far.

  It was Tuesday now, which meant Ava would be at her girlfriend's place that evening, which in turn, meant Zyan could mope all he wanted without anybody interrupting him.

  He was lying on his couch and playing with his engagement ring while his wedding ring rested on his T-shirt-clad stomach. The TV was on and playing reruns of some show about demon-murdering young adults, where everybody was pining after everybody. Zyan couldn't bring himself to pay too much attention to what was going on. The light reflecting off the silver band was transfixing, all encompassing. It trapped him in the memories of a proposal long passed.

  A muffled curse.

  Zyan covered his wedding ring with his palm as he sat up and looked over at his front door. He could see a shadow move through the door slit and slowly swung his legs over the side of the couch.

  With the rings in his pocket, he stood up to let whoever it was in, but paused with his hand outstretched when he heard a familiar voice from out in the hallway.

  Zyan dropped his hand.

  He wasn't sure what to do. Part of him wanted to rip open the door, pull Carter into a bone-crushing hug, and apologize for everything that had gone wrong between them. But another equally strong part wanted to shout through the closed door and tell him to go away and never come back.

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he rested his hand on the doorknob and slowly opened it.

  There was Carter, dressed in dark blues and blacks that matched the circles under his eyes. He looked like he'd been sleeping about as well as Zyan.

  The air felt charged in the silence as they looked at each other.

  Zyan opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come out. He wouldn't have known what to say, anyway.

  "I…I think we should…" Carter took a deep breath. "Can I come in? Please?"

  Zyan still couldn't bring himself to move. They both kept staring, and it was getting increasingly awkward, but the discomfort wasn't enough to get Zyan's brain to unfreeze.

  Only when a door a few floors down banged shut did Zyan manage to pull himself together and step aside to let Carter pass. As he faced the empty hallway, he allowed himself another second to close his eyes and take a deep breath. But once the door was shut and Zyan slowly turned to face Carter, there was no going back.

  Carter's body language was enough to give away his nerves, even as he tried to hide it by studying the furniture and pictures on the walls. When their gazes eventually met, he parted his lips to speak, but no words came out.

  "I—I wanted to come talk to you earlier," Carter blurted out. "And…I actually was here…earlier this week, but…I couldn't bring myself to knock, so I left again. Now that I'm saying this out loud, I realize I probably shouldn't have told you that. I'm sorry."

  Zyan didn't know what to say to that, so he nodded before he ducked his head and stared down at Carter's feet.

  They stood in silence again. Even after centuries of experience and studying multiple languages, they still couldn't seem to find the words to break the cycle of awkwardness. Zyan longed for an easier way to solve their problems that didn't involve any of…this. Maybe they should just exchange numbers and talk it out over text messages. It'd at least spare them from this kind of suffering.

  "This is a little awkward, huh?" Carter'
s tone aimed for lighthearted, but his expression begged for a way out of this situation.

  Zyan got lost in the deep brown of his eyes, until the words sunk in and made him cock an eyebrow. Carter nodded to himself and looked away again.

  "Why did you come here?" Zyan asked finally.

  Carter's attention snapped back to Zyan, as if he were surprised to hear his voice. "I, um, I wanted to see you…and talk to you."

  "About what?"

  "You. Me. Us? If there even is an 'us.'"

  "There will always be an 'us,'" Zyan replied, and it was the truth. They shared too much history that could never be forgotten, by either of them. They'd shaped each other's lives over two centuries. No forces in the universe could make that undone.

  A glimmer of what looked like hope flashed over Carter's face before he could hide it behind his mask again.

  Zyan crossed his arms in front of his chest. A defense mechanism. A barrier between the two of them. "What do you want to talk about, specifically?"

  "Our future."

  "Our?"

  Carter nodded.

  "So, you're assuming that…?" Zyan trailed off to give Carter the chance to finish the thought.

  Carter shrugged. "If you want there to be."

  Zyan's tongue darted out to wet his lips as he tried to come to terms with what Carter was suggesting. Everything about this conversation was entirely too reminiscent of the past. All the times they'd parted ways, only to come back together and repeat their mistakes. All the times they'd let their emotions win over logic, only to have it end in heartbreak a few years down the line.

  This time Zyan knew he needed to be smarter. What his heart wanted didn't matter, not when he still hadn't learned his lesson. He couldn't be around Carter and pave his own way at the same time. They'd fall right back into old rhythms, and Zyan would be left no more capable of being alone as he'd been all along. "I thought I made it quite clear that is the opposite of what I want."

  "I'm not sure I believe you."

  Zyan barely managed to conceal his surprise. "What makes you think that?" Carter let his gaze wander. Zyan cocked his head as he tried to catch his eye. "You talked to Ava's little girlfriend, didn't you?"

  "Maybe," Carter admitted. "And her name is Jessica."

  Zyan shrugged. "Good for her."

  "I thought you liked her."

  "I do."

  "Oh…kay?" Carter frowned. "But that's not what I'm here for." Zyan remained silent as he waited for Carter to go on. "Jess told me about your conversation with Ava," Carter said. "That you shared something with her, something that had her distraught and crying." He was quiet as he studied Zyan's face for a reaction. "You told her about Aaron, didn't you?"

  Zyan bit down on his bottom lip. Of course Carter would find the one topic Zyan still couldn't stomach talking about. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "What about it?"

  "You never wanted to talk about him," Carter said. His voice had grown softer, as if he could sense the agitation it caused.

  Zyan opened his eyes to look at him. "That wasn't a question, Carter."

  Something on Carter's face shifted when he heard his name on Zyan's lips. He blinked repeatedly before he spoke again. "Why did you tell her about him?"

  Zyan looked away and shrugged. "She never would have left if I hadn't told her something personal."

  "How was he personal to you?"

  Zyan shuffled on his feet and clenched his hands in the fabric of his sleeves. "Does it matter?"

  "Yes," Carter insisted. "It does." When Zyan didn't say anything, he sighed. "Okay, look. I'm not mad at you for telling her about Aaron. Actually, I'm glad you have somebody you feel comfortable talking about your past with. I just want to know why you chose him of all things."

  Zyan glanced at Carter before his eyes darted back to the TV. Some commercial was playing. He shrugged once more. "Ava was curious about why we broke up. So I told her." He'd call it a white lie.

  Carter frowned. "How is he the reason for our divorce?"

  "You loved him," Zyan stated. He let the annoyance slip into his tone. What was the point of all this? Why drag it back into the light now? "Loved him like you claimed to love me," he clarified.

  "Claimed?" Carter asked.

  Zyan ignored him. "And it made me realize some things. That I needed to distance myself, to focus on me and what I needed. I took my time and worked out what I'd been doing wrong, and what needed to change. And I came to the conclusion that I needed to put myself first for a change. After all, that's what you always told me to do, right?"

  "Wait. What?"

  Zyan flinched at Carter's tone. It wasn't anger, but confusion and distress. Somehow, that was a lot worse.

  "That's why you wanted the divorce? Because you thought I didn't love you?"

  "Oh, no, I'm sure you loved me," Zyan replied. He tried to stay calm, to keep his cool. He needed to get through this with his composure intact. "But not in the way I…" He shook his head. "It just wasn't working out. And, yes, I admit it took me a very long time to realize that, but as soon as I did, I made sure what had to be done got taken care of."

  "Are you serious?" Carter burst out. "You didn't even think this was something we should've talked about? Something worth having a conversation over? We could have fixed this! All it would've taken were a few minutes of you opening up and we could've continued being happily married!"

  "Happily?" Zyan shook his head. "Oh, please! We haven't been happily married in over a century! Somewhere around the fourth not-really-a-wedding-wedding, we should've stopped. All the others were just for show and out of loneliness. Each time we got divorced after that, you were out falling in love with other men, like what we had was nothing to be hung up about. To you, I was just another one of those guys, except you couldn't get rid of me because I'm immortal, like you."

  Carter's anger had dissipated. Now, he looked…lost. Bordering on devastated. "You really think that?" he asked quietly.

  It took everything within Zyan to stand his ground. His instincts told him to comfort Carter, but that was not the person he was anymore. It was no longer his place to take care of him, and it hadn't been for a long time. "Yes."

  "Okay. Then…I guess there's nothing more for us to talk about."

  Zyan felt a clench in his chest that he didn't want to think about. "I guess not."

  Carter nodded once more and slowly walked past Zyan.

  With every step, Zyan's heart felt heavier. Then it stopped. The door was still closed. Carter still there. Right behind Zyan but on the brink of leaving.

  Silence fell, stretched out for a moment before Carter spoke up again. "I did, you know? Love you. Just as much as Aaron. If not more. I…I still do."

  Zyan closed his eyes and ducked his head.

  Carter left.

  Zyan didn't try to stop him.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Jessica

  Jessica hadn't expected to see Carter that day. She'd been lounging on the couch with Ava's head in her lap while they'd binged some sitcom on Netflix, but now that she saw him standing out there in the hallway, all thoughts of a relaxing afternoon left her mind.

  His clothes were wrinkled, circles were under his eyes dark, and the state of his hair a mess. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

  "Carter? What? Are you okay?" Jessica grabbed his arm and pulled him into her apartment.

  He shook his head as he walked to the free armchair beside the couch. He collapsed into it and closed his eyes. The way the tension left his body, it looked like he was attempting to fuse with the cushions.

  Jessica, who'd been following him with her gaze, closed the door and rejoined Ava on the couch.

  "What happened?" Ava asked. "Are you okay?"

  Carter shook his head.

  "You didn't come right from home, did you." Jessica made it sound like the statement it was meant to be.

  Carter shook his head again.

  "Did you talk to Zyan?" Ava sounded
afraid of the answer.

  Carter nodded.

  "It didn't go so well, huh?" Jessica let the concern show in her voice.

  Carter nodded again.

  "You didn't get back together, did you?" Ava asked.

  Another head-shake.

  "I think I have some cookies. You want one?" Jessica offered.

  Another nod.

  Jessica got up and headed for the kitchen. Now wasn't the time to tease him and tell him to get them himself if he wanted some. She could hear Ava at her heels, following her.

  "Should I call Zyan?" she asked, voice low to keep Carter from eavesdropping.

  "No." Jessica glanced back at Carter, or rather, what she could see of him around the armchair's frame. "Not yet, anyway. I think you should confront him in person tomorrow. These two can't keep going like this—they're tearing each other's hearts apart and getting their own damaged in the process. Men. I swear to god. They don't get any smarter with age."

  Ava raised an eyebrow, smile playing around her lips. "You think the situation would be different if they were women?"

  Jessica shrugged. "Probably, yeah. We tend to talk more instead of clamming up. If things fall apart around us, we speak up and try to get the situation back under control. Most dudes are apparently too dense to think of that. They just wait in silence and expect things to fix themselves, and if that doesn't happen, they'd rather sit back and watch their world burn to ashes before doing something as unthinkable as talking about their feelings."

  Ava just smiled and glanced back at Carter. "Come on. Let's get the guy some cookies."

  They started raiding the cupboards in search of comfort food, but after a few seconds, Jessica froze when her eyes fell on an expensive box of chocolates. She'd bought them for her mother's birthday. The birthday drawing inevitably closer. She pushed the box aside but didn't allow herself to ignore what it symbolized. She'd have to face her family sooner rather than later, unfortunately, but at least this time, she wouldn't have to do it alone.