The Thing About Forever

by Michelle Engardt

  "You know what I just remembered?" Jessica asked.

  "Hm?"

  "I still need to buy a present for my mother's birthday." Jessica closed another cupboard and turned to face Ava. "You're still coming with, right?"

  Ava threw her a glance. "What? To your mother's birthday party?"

  Jessica nodded. "Yeah. Didn't I tell you before?"

  Ava shook her head and closed the cupboard door with a little too much force. "How could you forget to tell me something like that?" She sounded bewildered, on the verge of panicking. "Especially when I invited you to my mom's party just a while ago?

  Jessica stepped closer. "Okay. First of all, you need to calm down. It's no big deal! You don't need to buy her anything or get dressed up. It's just a casual get-together with my parents and siblings. Secondly, I honestly think it's just an excuse on her part so she can meet you, anyway. Especially after I told her I get to meet your family soon."

  Ava's eyes widened, terror written all over her face.

  Jessica gulped. "You're not calming down right now, are you?"

  Ava shook her head in silence.

  "I'm really sorry. You wanna go present shopping with me?"

  Ava didn't say anything. She just stared.

  "I was thinking tickets to a musical? And maybe something small and decorative to make the gift bag a little heavier?" Jessica tried.

  "When's the party?" Ava asked, voice low. She was visibly doing her best to hide her panic, but it still read clear in every line of her face.

  "In two weeks."

  "And it'll just be your mother, siblings, and us?"

  "Yeah. Dad doesn't care for Mom's birthday."

  Ava nodded to herself. "I can do that. I can totally do that. I'm gonna charm their pants off…No, wait, that'd be wrong and slightly disgusting. Not—not that your family is disgusting! I'm sure they're all beautiful! Except for your homophobic mom, maybe, but I mean, they're related to you—even her—and they all share part of your genes, so they must be good-looking—"

  "Ava!" Jessica cut her off, grin tugging at her lips. "Relax. You'll be fine. I'll be with you the entire time. Just think about me meeting your family! It'll be good practice for both of us!"

  Ava kept her lips pressed together and gave a small nod. Her eyes said well, none of my family members are homophobic like your mom…but her mouth remained shut.

  Jessica shot her a small, hopefully reassuring smile and turned to the kitchen. "Now, let's check the rest of the cupboards. I could've sworn I saw some Oreos here earlier."

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Zyan

  The day after Carter's visit, Zyan still couldn't forget Carter's final words. They kept echoing, no matter what he did, no matter how loud he played his music, or how much he tried to concentrate on his work. It was beyond frustrating.

  He hadn't gotten more than two hours of sleep, which had left his entire body aching, but his brain seemed to do just fine, as it kept firing memories of the distant past at him. He remembered the days they'd spent at sea the first time they'd traveled to the States. He remembered their first "wedding," back when same-gender marriage had been unthinkable, when they'd invited a friend over to their place to lead the ceremony.

  Since Zyan had already abandoned religion at that point and Carter was a Buddhist—one of the few left in the Philippines—neither of them had cared too much that it wouldn't be a union blessed by God in the eyes of most people.

  Then there were the countless times when they hadn't woken up in the same bed, when they'd been between marriages or fighting, and the dozens of times when Zyan had kicked Carter off the mattress in his sleep, just to get woken up seconds later by a grumpy Carter, who'd decided to flop down on top of him as an act of revenge.

  He remembered all the lazy, rainy days when they'd decided to stay inside, and the sunny days when they'd gone exploring.

  And he remembered the last few months of their last marriage, when they'd barely spoken to each other, when Zyan had felt his humanity fade as he locked away his emotions to distance himself from the person he loved most on this planet simply because he couldn't bear the thought of being with somebody who'd never care for him an equal amount.

  He'd been able to see how hurt Carter had been, how confused, because hadn't understood what he'd done wrong. Zyan remembered every one of Carter's attempts to salvage their broken relationship: each push to open communication, all the apologies that meant nothing because he hadn't even known what he was apologizing for.

  The guilt had eaten at him every single day. And now it was coming back to him, and doubled, by the way he'd hurt Carter again the day before.

  He tried to convince himself that Carter's happiness was no longer his responsibility, that they should both accept the facts and move on, but it did nothing to dampen the ache in his chest.

  He needed to learn to be happy by himself, to build up a life, preferably away from the mortals, in a different town, or city, or state, or even country. He couldn't risk getting too comfortable in one place any longer. All it had ever done was lead to attachments ending in death and heartbreak. If he could rediscover his enjoyment of exploring and traveling, maybe he'd also rediscover himself.

  Maybe now was the time to start that journey. It was what he usually did when the past caught up to him: he fled. He'd miss Ava, he was sure of that. Just like he was sure she wouldn't understand why they'd have to break off contact, or why he wouldn't want to at least continue meeting up or messaging back and forth. But it'd be for the best.

  Maybe he'd change his name again, even though he'd come to quite enjoy this one, as ridiculous as it was.

  Maybe he'd go back to Hawai'i, see what had become of his birth place. He did that every couple of decades. Though this time would be a first. This time, he wouldn't have Carter by his side.

  Zyan groaned as his brain had come full circle once again.

  "I did, you know? Love you…I still do."

  He banged his head against the desk.

  There was a knock at the door.

  To his embarrassment, the first thought that popped into his mind was that Carter had come back, but he quickly shook his head to get rid of it and got up.

  "You look like crap," Ava said, in lieu of a greeting. She brushed past him and made herself at home on his couch.

  "Yeah, it's always good to see you too," Zyan mumbled. He shut the door and joined her on the sofa, accepting the fact that his work would be left abandoned for at least two hours. "Didn't you and Jessica have plans for today?"

  "Yeah," Ava replied. "But she decided to stay with Carter."

  Zyan tried to hide how much the mere mention of the name affected him.

  "You know you don't have to pretend with me, right? I know you're hurting and it's okay to show it. I won't judge." Ava looked at him. "And not just because it'd be hypocritical of me."

  Zyan snorted, even when the smile tugged at his mouth. "I'm okay, Ava, really."

  "Are you, though?"

  "I will be. It'll take some distance, maybe a bit of sight-seeing and apartment hunting, but I will be." Zyan purposefully looked away while he said it.

  "What-what're you saying? Are you moving out?"

  Zyan could hear the shock in Ava's voice but refused to make eye contact. "Yes. I've been due for a change, and now feels like a good time for a fresh start. My rental contract is due for renewal next month and—"

  "No!" Ava cut him off. "You're not just gonna up and run from this!"

  Zyan turned to see her face reflect the pure conviction and anger in her voice. "I'm not running."

  "Yes, you are!"

  Zyan shook his head and stood up. "I've got a project to finish and packing to get to. Feel free to help if you like. Or leave, if you'd prefer."

  Ava jumped up and pushed into his personal space. "I'm not a violent person," she bit out. "But right now, I'd really love to punch your pretty face."

  Zyan drew his brows together. "Okay. I'd prefer you didn
't do that, but if you feel like you have to, I hope you choose not to aim for the nose."

  Ava balled her fists and narrowed her eyes. "You're infuriating!"

  "So I've been told."

  "I wonder what Carter sees in you sometimes."

  "I've been asking myself that question for two-hundred years."

  Ava closed her eyes and visibly made an effort to release some of the tension in her muscles. When she opened her eyes again, she seemed a lot calmer. "If you'd like to talk to Carter, you can find him at Jessie's, where he'll be staying for an unforeseeable amount of time." She pulled a folded yellow sticky note from her pocket. "I wrote down the address for you." She carefully set it down on the coffee table before she turned to leave.

  "I won't use the note," Zyan told her.

  Ava shrugged but kept her back to him. "It's your life. You can run it into the ground as much as you'd like."

  The soft click as the front door fell shut sounded deafening in the wake of her departure.

  Zyan turned to stare down at the folded paper.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Jessica

  "Do you think she'd like this porcelain frog?" Ava asked.

  She and Jessica were roaming a dollar store in search of an appropriate birthday present. The musical tickets were already ordered and should arrive in the mail sometime during the following week, but they were still in need for something small to add to the gift bag.

  Jessica knew Ava wasn't looking forward to the party. And she also knew her homophobic mother was the one to blame for it. Part of her wished her father would at least be there, but since the divorce, he refused to be so much as in the same room as his ex-wife. Jessica couldn't blame him, but she also refused to feel guilty for her anger at his absence. He'd always been the supportive parent, yet he'd knowingly left her with her abusive mother when she'd been at her most vulnerable.

  "I doubt it," Jessica answered and pushed thoughts aside. She focused back on the birthday card selection in front of her and aimlessly pulled one out.

  Ava put the frog back and came closer as her fingers trailed along the shelf. "You know what?"

  "Hm?"

  "I still have to buy something for my mom as well."

  Jessica looked at her with a smile. "Yeah. Got anything lined up for that?"

  "Nope. But I'm sure I could arrange some musical tickets."

  "We're gonna be that uncreative, huh?"

  "Yep! We're gonna be that couple." Ava grinned as she put an arm around Jessica's waist and rested her head on Jessica's shoulder. After a beat of silence, her free hand lifted to point at one of the cards. "I'd pick the one with the fossil."

  "I'm sure you would," Jessica teased.

  "Or something with rainbows, just because."

  Jessica reached up to pat Ava's cheek. "Let's not provoke the demon, croissant."

  Ava lifted her head and pulled back to smirk at Jessica. "We've moved on to pastries now, huh?"

  Jessica shrugged. "I ran out of the other stuff."

  "I win that round?"

  Jessica bumped their shoulders together. "When did this turn into a competition?"

  "Since I won the first round."

  "Okay, okay. Fine. Have it if it makes you happy."

  Ava pumped her fist. "Yes."

  Jessica rolled her eyes but didn't try to hide her fond smile.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Zyan

  Zyan wasn't sure what had possessed him to get to this point, but there he was.

  He looked back and forth between the sticky note and the building looming in front of him, and was just about to head inside when he saw a pair of legs appear at the top of the stairs. Zyan ducked away, blending into the pedestrians on the sidewalk. After a few seconds, he glanced over his shoulder and spotted a flash of bright red hair before it disappeared into the crowd.

  He breathed a sigh of relief and made his way back to the front door just in time to stop it from falling shut. At least he'd be spared the undoubtedly uncomfortable conversation over the intercom.

  The ascent up the stairwell and search for the right apartment was spent second-guessing his entire reason for being there.

  Was this right? Should he be here? The letter he'd found made him believe so. It'd so conveniently fallen at his feet while he'd been packing. Like a nudge from the universe. Like an unseen force, telling him to rethink his decision. But this wasn't like him. He wasn't one to follow signs or let fate decide, yet the words on the page wouldn't leave him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

  As he exhaled slowly, he raised his fist.

  The knock sounded unnaturally loud as it echoed off the walls. He felt his shoulders tense as he took a step back and brought his hands together to stop himself from fidgeting.

  A few seconds passed. In the deafening silence of the hallway, he contemplated leaving and never looking back, but before he could convince his feet to move, the door opened.

  Carter was still in his pajama bottoms. His t-shirt was wrinkled, his feet bare, and his hair a mess. Clutched in his hands was a bowl of cereal, already half-eaten. In that state, he had no right to still take Zyan's breath away.

  "I just saw Jessica leave," was the first thing Zyan blurted out. "And I know Ava has an early shift today, so you're alone, right?"

  Carter nodded. He looked stunned, eyes wide, lips parted.

  "Can I come in?" Zyan forced his voice to remain steady, even while his fingers twitched with nerves. He hoped Carter didn't notice.

  If he did, he didn't say anything. The door opened wider as he took a step aside in silent invitation.

  Zyan brushed past him, and Zyan had to close his eyes at their proximity. His heart sped up. His stomach fluttered. Just his smell brought back memories of first kisses and secret meetings.

  "Have you eaten?" Carter asked.

  The question made Zyan's heart clench. Had he just been offered breakfast by his ex-husband, after the way their last conversation had ended? Zyan brushed it off as a natural reaction, ingrained politeness, nothing more.

  He glanced at Carter over his shoulder. "Um…no. But it's okay, I'm not hungry."

  Carter nodded and shoveled another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. He looked unsatisfied.

  "Something wrong?" Zyan asked.

  "Almond milk," was all Carter answered. "Too watery, takes away the crunch."

  Zyan nodded absently as he averted his eyes. His fingers fidgeted with the hem of his sleeve as he stared down at Carter's chest. "I know you must wonder why I'm here," he started.

  "If I weren't still half-asleep, I probably would, yes."

  Zyan nodded. "I, uh…Ava came by a couple of days ago, and…she told me you'd be here for a while. She gave me the address and told me to come talk to you."

  "Why?" Carter barely finished speaking before he headed for the kitchen. His shoulder brushed Zyan's as he passed.

  Zyan tensed as he sucked in a breath and forced his body to remain still. He listened to Carter in the kitchen, switching on the faucet and rinsing his bowl. "I'm not sure," Zyan answered. "I didn't give her a chance to explain herself." But he could guess why she'd come by. She'd wanted to be there for Zyan, push him in what she believed to be the right direction. He could only assume Jessica had been doing the same for Carter.

  "You tend to do that." Carter reappeared in the doorway.

  Zyan winced. "Yes," he said carefully. "But she made me realize what I'm doing is stupid."

  "Which part?"

  "Everything," Zyan replied. "The pushing you away when all I want is to pull you closer. The running away to avoid my problems. The refusing to talk when it's the only way to fix this."

  You want to fix this? The question was written all over Carter's face, but those weren't his next words. "When have you ever run away?"

  "When you got together with Aaron. When I started to doubt you," Zyan said. "When I told Ava I wanted to move. I even made plans to go back to Hawai'i."

  Carter
didn't seem to even try to hide his pain.

  Zyan understood. How often had he told Carter he couldn't bear to face the memories alone? How often had he poured out his heart over the things he'd lost that day—his mother, his sister, his home, his life? If Carter did still love him, it had to be tough to imagine Zyan going back there to face his past on his own.

  Carter cleared his throat. "When are you leaving?"

  Zyan looked over at him. "I'm not. I extended my contract today for another six months."

  Carter exhaled audibly.

  Zyan was aware Carter understood what this meant for them. This was Zyan giving them another chance. This was him opening up to the possibility of a fresh start. He wasn't sure whether it was the right thing to do, whether they were meant to be together, or if their relationship just wasn't meant to last beyond the point of Zyan's death—all he knew was Carter felt relieved. That he wanted this. That after several decades, they were once again on the same page. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as new opportunities revealed themselves to him.

  Zyan dropped all pretense of self-control at the mix of emotions showing on Carter's face.

  "Thank you," Carter said. It stung, but not as badly as everything that had happened before.

  Zyan's lips tugged up in a small smile. "Don't thank me. I haven't done anything to deserve it."

  Carter seemed unsure how to respond. Ultimately, he chose to acknowledge the comment with a small nod. "Would you like to sit down and stay for a bit?" he asked eventually.

  Zyan took in Carter's unguarded expression and the hopefulness behind his eyes before he answered. "Yeah. I'd love to."

  Carter's shoulders drooped as he nodded and approached the fold-out couch. Zyan followed cautiously.

  They kept two feet of distance between them as they sat with the messy sheets piled up behind them. Both stared down at their own hands like teenagers on a first date. The awkward silence stretched out between, charged with tension and awkwardness so thick it was almost palpable.